grateful quick.

Filled up and smiling tonight.

Grateful for

-the growing amount and depth of my girlfriendships here. long talks. on a walk, a run, laying on my bed, out for coffee.

-lots and lots and lots of laughter in my life (see above).

-sunshine and coming spring and more light and more green and brand new running shoes (oh they're so beautiful!!) promising a more moving body soon.

-a rearranged bedroom with more space.

-current sermon series on Mark.

-patient friends who love me over text and gchat when i'm overreacting.

-picking girls up from the high school youth group and making an attempted ice cream run, which turned into making our own root beer floats in the parking lot?!

-women from church investing in me. so grateful for their friendship, their wisdom, inclusion in their families, the lots and lots and lots of laughter there too.

-spring and summer visits solidifying. plane tickets bought, coming and going. christine + heather: 2 weeks (TWO WEEKS!!!). dad + julie + the kids: 3 weeks. josh + steve + mere: june. ME TO WHEATON (this is new!): may. COLLEGE FRIENDS CAMPING TRIP: july. how did all this happen?! i'm still pinching myself. and there's even MORE, but I'll save it for a separate post. but just those- did you see it?! christine + heath. dad + fam. josh + steve + mere. me to wheaton. college friends camping. what how?!! soooo happy.


Kid quote of the week:

"Why do you have a backpack?"
"Because I gotta do my homework."
"You have homework?"
"Mmhmm. I get to study about how people work. Isn't that cool?"
"I already know how people work!"
"You do?"
"Yup. They have to love God. And they have to love everybody."
"Wow!! You're right! You know a lot!"
"I know! And I didn't even read a book!"

A sweet and full six weeks.

It's October 1. I woke up this morning snuggled under a REALLY comfy down blanket on two of my favorite people's couch in Seattle, which is a lovely way to start your favorite month of the year.

I drove up after class yesterday to join Tim & Ash, beautiful Kari, and several other Wheaton alumni in the area for a "Thanksgiving dinner"... since we're losing T&A (sob) back to North Carolina this month, we had to celebrate together early.

I'm back now, refreshed and content. And this crisp evening, I am thankful.

Sweet gifts in this season...

-Doing life with people here. Matt pointed out to me on the phone last week how perfect this cohort set up is for "the way I love to do life"... I see the same people every day, I form deep relationships with them, I get to do the daily tasks of life with them. As much as I loved my community last year, there were few people I saw more than once a week. I'm in class four days a week with the same people; we study together; we bike together; we plan random fun weekend activities together; we cook and eat meals together.

-After sitting next to me at orientation, a quiet guy in my cohort named Ryan went home and informed his wife he had found her new Newberg best friend. Then he brought her to our house for a potluck the next night and sent us into the kitchen together. Half an hour later we had yet to emerge, and were found leaning against the counter discussing our love of Madeleine L'engle and when we could have coffee. Her name is Chelsea and I LOVE her. And I love her husband and I love them together and I love hanging out with them. They and my roommate and I take turns cooking dinner for each other (they made crockpot basil chicken last week, I made the Barefoot Contessa's roasted-red-pepper-and-goat-cheese sandwiches this week), Chelsea hosts weekly Grey's Anatomy nights, we're holding each other accountable to read for pleasure, we text each other prayer requests. It's. Great.

-My sweet and quirky roommate. She's ridiculous and hilarious and wonderful. I am loving living with her.

-Quaint, beautiful Newberg. I love this small town.

-Everything being within a mile. Love it, love it, love it.

-Insanely approachable, warm, encouraging professors.

-A promising-seeming dissertation topic I am giddy with excitement over and a potential advisor who is excited too.

-Slower pace of life here.

-Lots of time outside.

-Autumn air.

-Leaves starting to change.

-MY BIKE (thank you sweet cousins)

-The intimacy with God which comes from loneliness. The good kind of loneliness.

-His tenderness and patience with me and a sense of His presence this week.

-A sense of rightness of being here in this season. As Kar and I talked about today, you can be in the right place without it feeling especially right, and that's important to know how to do. But... it's SO great when it DOES feel right. I'm sooo thankful and enjoying that.

-Amazinggg time with Wheaton friends this week. Ame's wedding, SARAH, which will be its own post, and Seattle last night and today.

-The long drive to Seattle alone, looking out at pine trees and mountains and lakes, listening to hymns and letting their truth feed and ground and comfort me. It was so so just what I needed.

-Waking up on Tim and Asharae's couch this morning, cuddling with Ash, going out to eat with them, good talks, good laughter, good friends.

-A long date with Kari, seeing the amazing fit Seattle is for her, seeing so much of what God is doing in and through and around her, watching her radiance and peace, the comfort and joy of being listened to and loved by a good friend.

-Voicemails and texts from my BEAUTIFUL faraway friends. I am so blessed.

It's October. I am thankful.

Gift list- quick.

View from my bedroom window- fields and mountains.

Three pieces of hand-written snail mail today. !!!

A lovely coffee shop .7 miles from my house, and a routine developing of God time there to start the day.

A sweet cohort of warm, quirky new-friends-in-the-making... the fact that we are all in this same boat together... the crazy things we are throwing out to do in our adjustment phase (last night may have included retro bowling and temporary tattoos... or it may not have. I'm not saying anything...)

A bike, free and perfect, bright blue and with a beautiful BASKET!!

Almost everywhere I need to go within a mile (LOVE this!).

 Friendly people everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Oregonians are genetically bred for friendliness, I swear.

My bedroom. Brand new soft white sheets. Long sheer white curtains. Framed photos of people I love. Vanilla-scented candles. Soft lighting.

 

Living off of loans is great motivation to cook from scratch, which is actually one of my favorite things :-)

The fact that I have such amazing friends to miss. (This will be a thankful. This will be a thankful. This will be a thankful. ...Thankful and tearful can coexist.)

Seeing Tim and Ash last week <3.

First fall chill in the air.

Every single thing about living in the same place as my cousin and his family.

This was taken with my phone and is not a great picture but CAN YOU STAND THE CUTENESS OF THE PINK STRIPED GAUCHOS?? CAN YOU??? BECAUSE I CAN'T.

Bones reruns.

Things I worry about (money and time, usually) being provided for so quickly and obviously that it actually makes me irritable because I have total theology issues with assuming God will provide in these kinds of ways and on this kind of schedule. But it keeps happening. If I could let myself do what everyone else does ("Omigosh two seconds after I was worried about this THE LORD JUST PROVIDED!!!!") I'd probably be more openly thankful. But... I really am thankful. Even if calling it provision makes me squirmy. Really. I promise.

Hydrangeas on every bush on our street. Deep warm pinks and purples and blues, everywhere. I have decided that I deeply, deeply love hydrangeas.

Almost every store in Newberg is independently owned.

Interesting reading.

Feeling peaceful and right about being here.

So thankful.

I am so thankful to be here.

So thankful that the second I stepped off the plane in La Paz (still one flight away from my beloved Coch), I almost started crying because it smelled like Bolivia.

So thankful the staff brought this girl to the airport with them when they picked me up- she's graduated from the program but they'd told her I was coming.

When we got back to the house, she and I sat down at the dining room table and talked, deep talked, for over an hour- about what she's been learning, about her baptism last year (she beamed as she told me about it), about what she misses about the house since she graduated and how it changed her life, about our memories from my time here.

In my opinion if I had had that conversation and turned and headed back to the States, it would have been worth the trip.

So thankful for how insanely easy it has felt to step back into relationships here. For the inside jokes we all started tossing around instantly, for the affection and laughter and mutual gratitude exchanged.

So thankful for the conversations I've already gotten to have with the staff.

So thankful to get to hug and know a new group of girls.

So thankful for how much more fun it is to be here with Spanish and self-confidence.

So thankful and genuinely surprised by how completely natural it feels to be here. A year and a half is a decently long time, but the most surreal part so far has been how not surreal it feels. The streets, the cafés, the fresh fruit sold on the corners, the people's mannerisms, the house, the Albergue schedule, all feel so familiar. I remember more than I thought I did.

So thankful the waitress at my favorite café RECOGNIZED ME IMMEDIATELY!! I left here 19 months ago!! That rocked.

And thankful to have sat in that café once again at the quiet table in the corner on the second floor, where I found my sanity so many mornings those six months.

So thankful to get to see my mountains in every direction.

So thankful and THRILLED (and not surprised at all) to see how amazing Lauren is doing here, how much the girls and staff love her and that I can see her falling in love with Mosoj Yan and its work and its girls. So thankful I get to see her HNGR journey up close.

So thankful to have stayed up two late nights talking with Lindsay. So thankful for how natural living Cochabamba life with her, even briefly, feels. So thankful to get to mutually externally process with her; so grateful to see her belly and squeal over kicks and celebrate upcoming parenthood.

Praying so hard to be an encouragement to the people I'm interacting with here. The staff, the girls, Lauren, Lindsay, my host parents.

There have been hard things, too.

I don't want to trivialize them by throwing them into a quickly-written list.

The joy is richer than I remembered,

but the darkness is just as dark.

But I am deeply, deeply thankful to be here.

To be a part of this work again, even if only briefly.

 To be praying over this work, these girls, this suffering, from here.

Every night when I've gone to bed and tried to start praying, all I can do is thank Him over and over for letting me come back.

More to come...

.with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

Life this week.

A mom is exasperated that her three- and two-year-old are being disobedient: "They KNOW they're not supposed to run! I tell them no running in the house, but they keep disobeying me! I tell them that you're going to come up to the door in just a minute, but they insist on running to the car as soon as they see you pull up!". I try to look exasperated at their disobedience, too...

I send my mother a picture text of my legs, bare from my knees to my flip-flops: "I'm wearing the short-er corduroy skirt we got at Old Navy. Are you proud of me?". Her response: "Always." That is my mother. Sappily, unconditionally glad she is my mom. And consistently pleading with me to show more skin. (Sorry to disappoint, Mama.)

Long, deep, so encouraging g-chat with Sarah while listening to my Ingrid Michaelson station on Pandora.

6:30 breakfast with Chet at Egglectic; staying in the sun-filled booth with my coffee mug and Bible after he leaves before I have to head to work.

Bursting into laughter so hard I almost choke at this text from my sister: "Just realized I wrote my application essay about winning a chicken nugget eating contest... when the organization's focus is hunger."

Spying this crazy balcony covered in flower pots.

 

Copying the words in my journal, tracing them over and over with my pen until they are dark and bold and soaking into my soul:  "...to give knowledge of salvation to His people in the forgiveness of their sins, because of the tender mercy of our God". Tender mercy, thanks be to God.

What happens when the tornado warning goes off during dinner with Ryan and Kendra:

 

Everyone else decided it was fine to go out by quarter to nine, but to be safe, we stayed and watched our movie on a laptop in the bathtub until almost 10. You think I'm kidding.

Lisa's children. Who so make up for the sleep I lose (at least one of them is in my bed by 6 every morning I sleep there) by the joy they give.

Laughter-filled meals out with my small group.

I text Tamara, "Do you guys want to do dinner or dessert on Saturday night?". I get back two replies: "Wish we could, we have plans! Different night?", and, "I told Tamara to tell you no, but YES! Let's just make it a surprise!". So we met for dessert... just as suggested :-). SURPRISE!

Kris Delmhorst's "Moscow Song".

Pausing in a parking lot to stare at the summer sky.

.will you say when i'm gone away...

Joy.

laying in bed half-awake, listening to heavy rain and thunder

having three different people in the last four days independently tell me to give myself more grace

grinning babies waiting at the window as i walk up to the house

walking and talking for hours through neighborhoods with heart friends, hands cupped around our drinks as we vent and encourage and laugh and question and enjoy

dads who cuddle and get down on the floor to do puzzles

the way moms kiss their babies' chubby cheeks- how can they love so completely someone they've known only for a matter of weeks? but oh how they do

"Tia Emily! Tia Emily!" hugs around my knees

...oh, oh, oh, oh...

colorful stacks of children's books

and getting so excited as i find just the right one for a kid who loves an animal, a color, a superhero

constant texts requesting prayer, sharing prayer- the crazy web of connection and prayer and affection in which i somehow get to live!!

moms groaning and laughing when i mess up my Spanish

dandelions everywhere- how can something so beautiful be considered a weed??

the huge armchair in front of the picture windows on the second floor of the library

seeing loved ones in love

hearing of wounds being healed

tank tops

...oh, oh, oh, oh...

praying for the outgoing interns... being so proud of them, and remembering these weeks for me two years ago

Psalms 27, 56, 62

trust: "to firmly believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something; to allow someone to have, use, or look after someone or something of importance or value with confidence"

Panera

feeling known in my small group

praying with Christy in my car in the Home Depot parking lot for our interns

five minute phone calls for mutual sanity

Christine and Meghan and Tamara and Meredith

my running shoes hitting the street

a new journal

"the life-giving will and wisdom of God which surrounds us everywhere"

and at the moment, obviously, Iron & Wine.

...light strikes a deal with each coming night,

oh, oh, oh, oh.

10 joys of the moment

-long conversations where one or both people are figuring important things out in safe presence

-waking up and talking with my roommate while we're both still in bed

-peaceful, long-for-me (aka like 20-25 min) runs on the prairie path (especially now that i can actually breathe all the way through, yay for being on week 5 of my training! not for anything impressive)

-blossoming trees EVERYWHERE

-sitting reading alone on our back deck

-coffee dates with tamara

-rachael tuesday afternoons

-lists and piles of good books i can't wait to read, because-in-two-weeks-i'll-never-have-homework-again-and-can-read-for-pleasure-every-evening-oh-my-goodness...

-emails from Bolivia

-people speaking wisdom to me...

plucking open hearts and ears

...It is a lovely spring night. Lovely in every sense of the word. I am sitting on our back deck with a blanket over my legs and my computer in my lap, working on homework. The sky is deep blue above me, pine trees tower around, dusk has fallen, the air is warm and a breeze is blowing.

I am wrestling with theology questions so many more seconds of every day than I want to be, yet not my own doubts or frustrations, failings or anger can pluck me from His hand. I know people who inspire me. I have real friendships. And the possibility of a job that might feel purposeful (though I wrote in my journal over and over last year that I would be willing "to not feel purposeful if that's where You call me, Lord"...). I am not scared of graduation. I am excited for the summer.

I am excited about the possibility of Portland down the road, for my prayers and hopes of parenting those who need it in any way. I am thankful for words in a leather-bound book I can keep reading every day whether or not it makes sense in a given moment. I am grateful for any moment of self-sacrifice on my own part or those of others, for what taste of the Kingdom it is when we can love each other, even for a second. For the call to love the person in front of me, and for any chance to get to do that every once in awhile, when the list is so long of those I am failing. I'm grateful I can connect with those scared of being in a new place with an unfamiliar language and no support in a way I couldn't a year ago. I miss speaking Spanish every day. I miss Bolivia. I'm so glad I was there. I'm so glad I'm back.

I'm thankful for people who love me and accept me. I'm grateful for the laughter of those I know and love. For real hugs, casual touch, meaningful touch, human touch. For people meeting each other where they are. For seeing those around me use their gifts, hear the Lord, find joy and love, walk through struggles. For going for my ridiculously short runs that shock of all shocks are becoming consistent, that despite the ridiculous-shortness somehow make me feel more healthy and connected to the earth and joyful in the movement of my own body and (there it is again! interesting...) purposeful. For flowering trees. For my roommate. For classes held outside. Did I mention that leather bound book that somehow still has the same words between its pages that it always has, no matter where my heart is when I open it? I'm grateful for the Weepies. And Joshua Radin. And the Beatles.

I'm 21 and I like my body and the future is open before me and I love the people I know. My cell phone rings with the names and voices of people who inspire me and Ephesians 1 still reads the same as it always has and Deb Talan's voice and melodies and lyrics are beautiful.

Stream of consciousness.

It is a lovely spring night. Lovely in every sense of the word. I am sitting on our back deck with a blanket over my legs and my computer in my lap, working on homework. The sky is deep blue above me, pine trees tower around, dusk has fallen, the air is warm and a breeze is blowing.

Celebrating Fall.

Fall is my favorite season. Favorite, favorite, favorite, favorite. I love it, I love it, I love it- so much that it makes me want to say everything multiple times, like "Caramel caramel caramel!" and "Oh I just feel so cozy cozy cozy!". But I mean seriously. I feel that chill in the air and see the leaves start changing and I just get absurdly, ridiculously happy. I love things about every season, but there's something about fall that just makes me think about family and friends and quality time going for walks or sitting in a warmly lit room talking and laughing with everyone you love while drinking something hot and sweet... oh, life.

So as much fun as I'm having here in Bolivia, it is 80 degrees and not an orange leaf or apple cider in sight. So when everyone's g-status and blog updates started popping up with things like "Feels like the first day of fall!" and "Carving pumpkins this weekend!"... I got sort of sad!!

So, I made this list in my journal at the beginning of the month:

"Ways I Am Celebrating Fall That Are Awesome Even If Different From My Usual:

• Sleeping at the Nybergs' and girl-talking with Lindsay until 1 in the morning
• Laying on the couch at Ren watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire in Spanish with the girls
  
• Snuggling with my host sisters
• Reflecting.
• Journaling.
  
• Planning self-esteem workshops at Albergue
• Listening to Ingrid Michaelson, Jason Mraz, Nickel Creek, The Weepies, Amos Lee, William Fitzsimmons
• Coming to cafés and plazas to do HNGR readings and be with You
• Praying for people I love near and far
• Having coffee with Ariane (the MY secretary)
• Using the conditional tense in Spanish
• Developing excellent vegetable-peeling skills
  
• Reading Nouwen
• Learning from homesickness
• Trusting God with the future (aka attempting to do so)
  
• Looking at mountains
  
• Getting to know the missionary community here
• Taking salsa lessons with the MY staff
• And much more too... thanks Lord."

So yeah. This is definitely the most different October I've ever had and I may not be celebrating by having any leaf fights or carving pumpkins... but I am celebrating fall greatly all the same (even if it's actually spring where I am).

(And... this post was my way of needing to "change the subject" on this blog a little bit. I'm really glad I wrote the last post- it was important for me to write and important for me to share, and I REALLY appreciate all the sweet comments and emails I got about it. But, yeah... I just kinda needed to post something happy.)

Thankful.

Sometimes I worry that my gratitude lists are a result of uncreativity; but I want to be thankful over and over...

for my roommates

and my mother's touch;

for quiet times in my kitchen, by the glow of Christmas lights

and the laughter of friends

as we enjoy each other on a night out

(or in).

For complines

and forgiveness

and direction

and voices I love

and mutual understanding.

(Aannndd... maryoliverhenrinouwenmadeleinel'englehotchocolateframedphotos
dancepartiesteaHNGRknittingsagafireplacessnowdidimentionfriends
latenightsandbakingcookies!!!)

Continued...

The fireplaces in Saga

And in the reading room

All the cozy places there are to read or study or be on campus

The photo mug Lynn made me for Christmas senior year

All the photos up all over our apartment

Poetry (rhythm makes me happy)

Beautiful writing

Convicting writing

Pieces of writing, in general.

Henri Nouwen

Journals

Journaling

Christine and her humility

Laura and the way she takes care of people

Matt and how he can go from laughing to serious and back again at just the right times

Snail mail

Care packages, making and getting

HNGR as a whole

Getting to go through the application process with some of my sophomore friends. NEVER having to go through it myself again (hahaha!!!)

Knowing that God is taking care of me

Knowing that He is working more than I can see

Not having to be perfect (I feel like that makes it onto every thankfulness list I ever write)

Tamara and that we're having weekly dates now

Trader Joe's

Goat cheese

Thankful.

My high school friends and I have a tradition of writing our thankfulness lists and sharing them with each other every year at Thanksgiving. Here's mine...

My roommates

Understanding them better and better

This year of learning to share myself with people and feeling received (even when messy)

The act of receiving others (even when messy)

The beauty, joy, and freedom of messiness

Realizing that I can't send a Postsecret card in because every secret I have I've shared and been loved through by at least someone

Tea in general, and Bigelow's Vanilla Chai in specific

Walking through campus at night when the chapel bells ring out hymns and Christmas carols

Walking through campus at night… period

This campus. The people walking through it. The lessons learned on it. The laughter and conversation and friendship and trying that pervades it.

Christmas lights

Snow falling, which I NEVER get sick of seeing and which ALWAYS puts me in a good, and thankful mood

Nights when my guy friends come over and do homework and laugh and talk at our kitchen table until 2 AM (while we drink tea, of course)

Those guys in general

Christina getting to come visit and everything about that weekend

SKYPE SKYPE SKYPE

Talking to Claire on Skype

Claire's voice and how cute it gets when she's happy

Talking to Elise on Skype and how she's beautiful and real and even though we've real-talked like twice in six months it's the easiest thing ever

People who it's the easiest thing ever to talk with (near and far)

Vanilla scented candles

The look of candles.

Walking around campus and town and having memories at most places I pass and running into people I know...

...having made a life for myself here, one I love.

Celtic Daily Prayer

Coffee shops. And how I am more productive there than anywhere else.

Comfortable socks. Not even kidding.

My church here, and how everyone loves each other and would do anything for each other

The 3 other Wheaton students who go to my church, and how we all have lunch every week after the service and even though we're really different, have gotten really comfortable with each other

My HNGR small group. I love them. so much.

Texting

How we can't plan what we need to hear/learn; if we live our daily lives and just try and love the people in front of us, God will make those conversations happen when they're supposed to

Realizing for the ten millionth time how much I admire, respect, and love my friends.

Vulnerability (I know I said that-ish already. It's been a theme, what can I say). And the peace and intimacy that comes with it.

Realizing that things that used to be really painful are less so now.

Realizing that I learned and was formed by those experiences and wouldn't have changed them (yikes! weird!)

KNITTING. How its rhythmicness soothes me.

And beautiful yarn.

The fact that my pregnant cousin-in-law is having a GIRL (after 2 boys)

The fact that my sister is growing up and is beautiful and smart and a cool, effective person

Piano music

Being up late having a quiet time at the kitchen table after everyone else in my apartment is asleep

My freshman roommate and how even though we don’t see each other all the time we still know each other so well and get so much comfort and sanity from each other

Having a kitchen. Baking. Cooking. Did I mention tea and people drinking it?

Psalm 119

Psalm 73

Ephesians 1

My mother when she’s being mildly (and hilariously) inappropriate

The fact that my dad (and my mom, come to think of it) seriously thinks I am the most beautiful, wonderful, capable girl in the whole world. And that they affirm that all the time and truly act like I'm the weird one when I point out that mayyybe they're biased.

That I got to live with the Maloys this summer

Matt Maloy and his wisdom

Mary Wolf and how much I want to be like her

Mary Elise Gottschalk’s voicemails

Time alone (WHAT?! Did I actually say that?!)

Inside jokes

Affection. Yup.

Physical touch.

Physical presence.

My high school girls and the beauty and insanity they add to my Thursday nights and life in general.

Good conversations with them and how nice they are to each other.

How much Heather and I make each other laugh.

I'm not sure I will finish this for quite a while. It was a stream of consciousness.

I'm grateful for perfect Tuesday dinners (on a Monday),

venting walks, met with love and acceptance, that end sprawled in the grass with laughter and comfortability,

Psalm 73,

interesting classes,

sweet surprise birthday parties with a sunflower cake and my favorite people (and which was only improved by the fact that I noticed everyone giggling half an hour before),

not having to work my life out,

peace,

and Heather having a hilarious fit of exasperation which has resulted in my bed finally having sheets on it for the first time since I got here (because who unpacks after 9 days?).