Chris & Hannah.

I held this little-BIG boy at the hospital the day he was born, peeps.

And Hannah not long after.

It would freak me out that they are so old...

if seeing their personalities develop and getting to hang out with them

wasn't the most fun thing ever.

We had some fun re-taking a couple photos from the summer I lived with them, when they were 3 1/2 and almost 2.

2008

2013

2007?

2014

from summer 08:

"...Today I was on the computer in the living room and Amy, Christopher, and Hannah were eating lunch in the kitchen. I overhear this:

Amy: Christopher, what are you when you put your spoon in your nose like that?
Christopher (age 3 1/2): A... a WAL-rus!
Amy: Yup!

And then she calls to me, "Hey Em, by the way, did you teach them to sing, "I am the eggman, I am the walrus"?"

I totally did!! I'd forgotten but a couple weeks ago Christopher was putting his spoon up his nose and exclaiming about how he was a walrus. Like any good baby-sitter, I immediately taught them to sing "I am the eggman, I am the walrus" in a chorus. But then they went to the beach for a week and I hadn't thought about it since.

Me: Oh yeah, I did! Wait, did they say it again?
Amy: OMIGOSH. They've been fighting over who gets to be the eggman and who gets to be the walrus for a week!!
Me: SERIOUSLY??!!!!! Aahhhh!!! That makes me so excited!!!!!
(then I run into the kitchen to see if, in fact, they do remember the things I teach them and right on cue...)

Christopher: I AM THE WALRUS!!!
Hannah (20 months): No, IIIII the walrus!!!!
Christopher: I'M the walrus, Hannah, you are the eggman!
Hannah: III the egg-maaaan!!
Christopher: I am the walrus!
Hannah: I the egg-maaaan!!"

Here's one of me and baby Christopher in 2006...

I never re-took it with him, but looking through my photos from this break it made me laugh to realize I'd re-taken it with Lyla!!

Modern [psychotherapeutic] Family.

Me: I just emailed my parents to tell them I don't like their favorite psychology theory. It's basically exactly like when you told your parents you're gay.

Matt: Wow! What made you decide it was the right time to come out to them?!

Me: I just need to be my real self!!

My mom: Sweetie, lots of people experiment with different theories in grad school. I think this is just a phase.

Me: (facepalm)

My dad: Em, here, please just read this essay I wrote on psychoanalysis!! It will really help you understand this better. I'm sure that what's really going on is that you're confused about what psychoanalysis really means.

Me: (facepalm)

My mom: You know, I think this is really about that you're so deeply psychodynamic that you can't even see it right now. Probably it scares you.

Me: (facepalm)

Matt: Just give them time. It's hard for parents when kids don't turn out how they expected.

Gandalf thought of most things; and though he could not do everything, he could do a great deal for friends in a tight corner.

I drove to the airport at 4 am the other day.

I've been there enough I figured I wouldn't need my GPS to get home....

....What does one do upon finding one's self

completely lost

on the outskirts of Portland

in the dark at 4:30 in the morning?...

...

Call one's high school youth group leader.

Obviously.

...

Also known as,

"drive 1600 miles to pick you up from your first year of college",

"want to live in our house?",

"yes, I think you should apply for that crazy six-months-overseas program at your school even though it scares you",
"here, I made an Excel spreadsheet so we can do your budget with your first real job",

constant encourager,

continual pointer-outer of how God is at work,
even when I can't see Him.

...

Because obviously,

from 3,000 miles away,

Matt can figure out on google-maps

where I am

and where I need to turn around...

Which direction are you facing?

Go past these two streets...

okay.

Then once you go under this bridge

you're going to go .5 miles

and there's the exit you need.

Okay?

Okay.

Have a good day at work.

Have a good day at grad school.

...

Grateful.

.communion.

(from October 2008)

"Tonight as we were leaving All-School, Matt said, "Taking Communion is my favorite thing in the world."

I replied casually, "That's good, it's the best thing in the world."

And then I paused.

I use the phrase "best thing in the world" often, about a lot of different things, seriously- but not literally.

It is startling to realize we can actually make a true statement:

...that yes, there is something that is the best thing in the world.

"As they were eating, Jesus took some bread and blessed it.

Then He broke it in pieces and gave it to the disciples, 

saying,

'Take this and eat it, for this is My body.'

And He took a cup of wine and gave thanks to God for it.

He gave it to them and said,

'Each of you drink from it, for this is My blood,

which confirms the covenant between God and His people.

It is poured out as a sacrifice to forgive the sins of many.'"

Matthew 26:26-28"

Getting to spend time with Chris + Claire.

Just makes my heart sing.

Chris's Christmas presents to us were from her new favorite cooking store in St. Louis.
Mine: basil-infused olive oil.

Claire's: strawberry-flavored vinegar.

Because:

"They are SO good-

especially when you put them together."

We sampled.

Each fabulous,
and when together, out of this world.

Just like us.

(AWWWWW.)

.home is where your mom is.

Which means Newberg has been extra home for me this week, because my mama flew out to love me for the past five days. It was the best.

Those of you who know my mother will be able to guess some of the ways it was the best. Those of you who don't can get a picture through the following (completely unexaggerated) vignettes.

*******

"Sweetie, let's go shopping!! I want to buy you absolutely anything you want."

"Aw, Mom, that's so sweet. But you don't have to."

"No really, sweetie, I WANT to. ANYthing you want. Your heart's desire!"

"Aww... okay... well actually, I have really been wanting-"

"I am not buying any books."

"Okay."

(sigh) "CLOTHING, Emily. Any piece of CLOTHING your heart desires."

"Got it."

*******

"Ooh, Em, this would look great on-"

"No."

"You haven't even tried it on-"

"No."

"Honey."

"Mom. I am not wearing a skirt that short."

"Sweetie, I just don't want you to waste your youth. Do you think you'll have legs like that forever?"

"I am not wearing a skirt that short."

"Okayyy... how about this one?"

(It's almost knee-length.)

Me (suspiciously): "That one looks nice..."

Mom (brightly): "And look, you could easily roll the waist band up two or three times!"

"No."

"Just try it and see how it looks?"

"No."

*******

"You go to a Quaker church??!! Oh, I'm so excited!"

"You are?"

"Yes! That will be so much easier to explain to people than just Christian! You know I support you no matter what, sweetie, but the whole evangelical thing really did require a LOT of self-control for me."

"Understood."

*******

"So I need to rest A LOT while I'm visiting you."

"Of course!"

"I mean really. A LOT. I need to conserve ALL my strength for going to visit Allie." (where she was heading after she saw me)

"You do? Why?" (Allie is generally considered the less-energy-required child, for reasons I completely cannot comprehend.)

"Oh, I am just PRAYING Obama wins. If he doesn't your sister is going to be INCONSOLABLE. I'm going to have to spend all my energy convincing her not to move to Canada. Can we pray that Obama wins? I'm just too tired to deal with it if the country elects a Republican the week I visit. I didn't really think through the timing of this well."

*******

"Em, while you're at work today I want to do a little bit of organization for you in your apartment! Just a little. I want to! I'll just straighten up."

A few hours later...

"So it was so strange. This man at Goodwill asked me if I was COLLECTING wicker baskets! Huh!"

I now have a window seat constructed from boxes organized seasonally,

and my clothes have been folded and sorted according to sleeve length and type of washing required.

Once I find them again I suspect this will be really helpful.

*******

I could not possibly love her more.

So grateful God gave us to each other.

.attachment.

Called my mom after some sessions on promoting parent-child attachment yesterday:

Me: "So apparently we're securely attached."
Mom (laughs): "Yes, we did do that part right, didn't we?"

*******

from December 2011:

"Reading up on attachment disorders at Chapters...

Me via text to both of them: Thanks for warmly and consistently interacting with me in my infancy!!

Obviously without knowing the other's response, they both replied within a minute:

Mom: My pleasure!

Dad: The pleasure was all mine!

They're keepers."

.if wendell berry sent text messages.

from Rach:

"I'm collecting pretty leaves on the quad. Oh hey..."

me: "That makes me so happy. I miss youuu."

"Right back at ya. Today is a day where everything seems a miracle. The world is so full! The spoon is too big. How does this happen??"

.moms.

Me: (crying) I'm probably going to be really bad at being a psychologist and I can't keep up with reading and I'm behind on paperwork and I don't understand how to freaking give assessments anyway...

Mom: (in her very best soothing mom voice) I know, sweetie. It's hard to learn to be a therapist, and you're feeling lots of pressure. And it's your favorite season, too, and I bet that makes it extra hard right now because you feel distracted, huh?

Oh man, I just love her.

Having a mother who understands that it's hard to study when there are pumpkins one could be carving... so wonderful.

(I couldn't help it... the mini ones were 2-for-1...)

My Christine.

"Hi, love. I was just calling because I need you to affirm me. Well, actually... I mean, I need your affirmation, but really, I want your honest opinion, ok? Please be totally honest with me about what you really think. Ugh, except actually, I think the decision is already made, so, maybe it would just be better if you just tell me to do what I already decided to do. Ohhh... I don't know."

I just love her so much.

 

 

In the details.

More on my mother.

I missed the last flight of yesterday back to Portland and had to spend one more night at home. It was due to an impressive piece of flakiness on my part, which was frustrating, but all things considered I wasn't too devastated. It had been a quick trip, and staying another night meant that I got to spend some extra time with a couple people I'd been sad not to see more.

My mother drove me to the airport this morning. As context for the following conversation, know that my parents' religious beliefs and mine differ quite a bit. I love and learn so much from the spirit of generosity and kindness which my mother lives her life from. (And I get a kick out of, "You know I love your blog, sweetie, but sometimes you really do write a lot about Jesus.")

As she drove our sleepy selves to the airport for the second time in thirteen hours, we were discussing that it had worked out quite nicely that I got the extra time after all.

I said, "When I got to their house last night, Beck joked that my missing the plane was a God thing.'"
My mom laughed. "You know I don't think God micromanages. But I'm glad you got to see them."
"I know." I yawned. A minute later, "I don't think God micromanages. But one of my favorite Christian beliefs is that he works every thing that happens, even bad stuff, into good somehow."
"Mmhmm."

We pulled up to a gas station. At 4:45 in the morning, music was blaring out of their speakers into the empty parking lot. A woman's voice, "They paved paradise, and put up a parking lot...."

She got out to get gas, I got out to stretch.
"Like it's totally a God thing Joni Mitchell is playing right now."
"I was just having that exact thought!"

*****

("Sorry I'm not chattier this morning, sweetie."
"Mom, it's 4:30 in the morning. It's fine."
"Well actually, it's five."
"I'm giving you an extra half hour of parenting slack. Take it."
"Okay.")

*****

She turned to follow the signs directing her to the Southwest departure terminal.

She reached across the seat to grab my hand.
"I think it was a God thing you had to stay the night. He knew I needed the extra time with you."

Chet.

(Is going to kill me for this post.)

Sometimes I save his one-liners off of gchat. Enjoy the magic of friendship with my favorite computer-scientist.

*******

Me: I'm becoming a nun.
Chet: That's what girls always say until they meet me.

*******

(He curses. I respond with, to be honest, impressed surprise.)
 Chet:  I knew you'd appreciate my turn of language
Chet:  these projects have made it more....colorful.

*******

Chet (about a poster he was working on): It looks pretty sexy. If you think distributed computer systems are sexy.
(He later emails it to me, with the subject line: "Hot, right?").
 

Chet: I pride myself in having MORE of an eye for design than the average engineer... which is not saying much.

*******

me: comparison is the thief of joy. 

Chet: except if you're on top.

*******

Chet:  emily, i'm trying to work on a project thats due at 7

I can't let you probe too much now

*******

Chet:  you overanalyze (have we talked about this?)

*******

(I start the conversation with:)

me: jesus spoke to me today

it was sweet

gotta run though

Chet: how?

thanks a lot... tell me god spoke to you then run away

*******

Chet: yes, you have to buy tickets RIGHT NOW!!!!

unbelievable

you need to breaaaaatthe

  *******
(On whether or not pinterest is solely for women:)
 

Chet: Have you seen my pins?

Chet: Pure masculinity.

*******

me: "Jesus did not die and rise for you so that you would stress out about whether you're being spiritual enough."

Chet: Word!

*******

Chet:  you are excellent at many things.

though I do I hope whoever you marry will help fill the 'calm' role.

*******

me (in regards to when in july we should go camping): so what are you thinking for dates?

Chet: still single

me: hilarious.

Chet: I was thinking dinner and a movie

me: mmhmm.

*******

Chet:  so we pranked the girls house again

(I told you about the chicken, right?)

 me:  um

noooo

 Chet:  Ok well last semester we put a rooster in their house at 4am

and it did its thing in the morning

and woke everyone up

 me:  HAHAHAHAHAHA

where the freak did you get a rooster

 Chet:  some person on craigslist was selling it because it was biting the children

hehe

*******

Email with the subject line: "This reminded me of us."

(Remember last year?)

*******

 Email to our friends:

"I got to see Em briefly this week.  Not much has changed (see attached)."

with this picture:

(While it was being taken: "Oohhkay... Are you seriously making that face? Do you know how many pictures I have of you making that face... unbelievable.")

*******

I am so glad I am friends with this kid.

Fam is visiting.

Meg and I are cuddling on their hotel bed; my stepmom walks in and says,

"Aw! We're just like the Kardashians!"

Um.

I'm prrrettyyyy sure she doesn't know who they are.

grateful quick.

Filled up and smiling tonight.

Grateful for

-the growing amount and depth of my girlfriendships here. long talks. on a walk, a run, laying on my bed, out for coffee.

-lots and lots and lots of laughter in my life (see above).

-sunshine and coming spring and more light and more green and brand new running shoes (oh they're so beautiful!!) promising a more moving body soon.

-a rearranged bedroom with more space.

-current sermon series on Mark.

-patient friends who love me over text and gchat when i'm overreacting.

-picking girls up from the high school youth group and making an attempted ice cream run, which turned into making our own root beer floats in the parking lot?!

-women from church investing in me. so grateful for their friendship, their wisdom, inclusion in their families, the lots and lots and lots of laughter there too.

-spring and summer visits solidifying. plane tickets bought, coming and going. christine + heather: 2 weeks (TWO WEEKS!!!). dad + julie + the kids: 3 weeks. josh + steve + mere: june. ME TO WHEATON (this is new!): may. COLLEGE FRIENDS CAMPING TRIP: july. how did all this happen?! i'm still pinching myself. and there's even MORE, but I'll save it for a separate post. but just those- did you see it?! christine + heath. dad + fam. josh + steve + mere. me to wheaton. college friends camping. what how?!! soooo happy.


Kid quote of the week:

"Why do you have a backpack?"
"Because I gotta do my homework."
"You have homework?"
"Mmhmm. I get to study about how people work. Isn't that cool?"
"I already know how people work!"
"You do?"
"Yup. They have to love God. And they have to love everybody."
"Wow!! You're right! You know a lot!"
"I know! And I didn't even read a book!"

Newberg.

3:20 PM me: i just chatted for like an hour with a woman from church  

  (i'm at chapters)

  (my coffee shop)

  who i hadn't met before

  but i babysat for her best friend's kids this week

  and her other best friend and HER kids came to my valentine's party last weekend

  and she mentors a girl i'm having coffee with tomorrow

  annnnd

  that's my lifeit's like...

3:21 PM Steve: Emily Heaven

*****

Welcome to Newberg.

Need I say more?

*****

"Oh, Emily. The kids sent valentines in with me to give to you!"

*****

I see a friend from church walking down the hallway of my building, where he teaches as an adjunct professor. We high-five and he tells me about his skiing trip. I saw his wife and daughter doing their weekly Bible study together yesterday afternoon at the coffee shop. Every other Tuesday night I can be found wrapped in blankets on a corner of their couch for small group. This week it was on Valentine's day and I made a pink cake.

 *****

Her eight-year-old made the earrings I'm wearing. I ran into her in town- "Oh! You're wearing them!! She's going to be so excited!!!". We took a picture to prove it.

 *****

Weekend walk with this lady. She's my faaavorite... so much. Her family is absolutely lovely and hilarious. (Also, she reads this. Hi Nance!! Thanks for being my friend!!)

What, don't you see alpacas on your walks?

*****

This man has taught our church's babies for 30 years.

They like hiding in the cubbies.

*****

Prayer labyrinth in the valley, open to the public. With this view:

It helps me concentrate. And by concentrate I mean not have to think, as I walk with God.

*****

I stop by Chapters for an hour between classes. I run into the leader of the above-mentioned small group, a bearded, kind grandfather of three. "Ah, I was going to email you!", and he pulls out a chair at my table. "I've been thinking about what you said the other day, about what you've been learning about praying for wisdom in making decisions...". He shares some of what he's learned through his years of faith, about how we pray for wisdom, to make the best decisions we can, but "even if it seems the results are bad, God will walk with you, and He will redeem it all." He stands up.
"Well! See you later!".

*****

Co-teaching Sunday school to the kindergartners. Too fun, even on way too little sleep, especially because the main teacher is my weekly coffee date and one of my favorite people. And because five-year-olds have so much personality.

One energetic boy wants to show us how he can count.

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11..." to 20 and we are oh-my so impressed.

He keeps going. And going.

"51, 52, 53, 54..." Wow! And we are helping other kids with the craft...

"86, 87, 88..." "Malachi, I think it's time to stop now," Miss Pam suggests.

"93, 94, 95..." "Really, Malachi, it's time to do your craft, OK?"

"106, 107, 108, 109-" "Malachi!"

He stops.

"Malachi, thank you for stopping."
He gives us a blank stare. "Well, I only know how to count to 109."

Oh.

*****

7 am, view from my bed.

*****

Home from a long day and I knock on my roommate's door. She's sitting up in bed and raises her eyebrows when I peek in with an overwhelmed expression. I collapse next to her. We roll over and pull our knees up to our chests and spill everything Jane-and-Elizabeth style. We affirm we are totally awesome and beautiful and capable of passing grad school, and also that we can always drop out and join the circus if we decide we don't like homework anymore. So grateful to live with this girl.

*****

Around midnight on this night. This picture is 100% candid and un-posed.

But we finished. And we downed pumpkin pie lattes the next day. And we slept ten hours the next three nights in a row.

And even just in the past few weeks, these two girls have suddenly become I-have-to-tell-you-something! friends, not friends-in-Oregon.

*****

Church.
We sing Gungor to a bell choir (seriously).

Taco Bell with one wonderful family after church.

Homework at Chapters all afternoon.

Baking cookies and watching Downton Abbey with another wonderful family all evening (see alpaca walk family, above).
That's my whole day.

*****

"Joy abounds and life is abundant. But the world is also tainted by sin, so joy is marred by struggle and pain... we cling by faith to the belief that God works redemptively in this broken world. God works everywhere, even in pain and silence, and certainly in therapy offices."

-from one of my textbooks, written by one of my professors
(who goes to my church and lives in my town and whose wife has a regular coffee date with one of the wise prayerful women in my small group... did you get that?)

*****

"Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are.
Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart.
Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.
Let me hold you while I may…"

-Mary Jean Iron

First day home for break.

"I went in your room and just stared at you this morning for a long time while you slept...

it was really fun."

-My mother.

I'm glad she loves me so much.

(...Pretty sure that's the only person I ever want to hear that particular phrase from, though.)

parents: mine.

Reading up on Reactive Attachment Disorder at Chapters...

Me via text to both of them: Thanks for warmly and consistently interacting with me in my infancy!!

Obviously without knowing the other's response, they both replied within a minute:

Mom: My pleasure!

Dad: The pleasure was all mine!

They're keepers.

Black Friday Shopping with the Goldberg Girls.

Me and my mama.

Mom: Ooh, look, leopard-print pants!

Allie: Yeah, the world got a little bit worse the day those were made.

Emily: ...Sorry, what'd you say? I was looking for a Starbucks...

Reason Fourteen Million and Six I Love Breanne.

Gchat:

me: mrr...
i so feel like God's telling me i need to stop whining and learn to live in ambiguity.

Breanne:  whatevs.
i hate ambiguity.

Way to summarize, love :-)

Driving my 8-year-old cousin to football practice.

Jack: "How do you say 'football' in Spanish?"

Me: "Fútbol americano".

"How do you say, 'running back'?"

"No idea."

"How do you say, 'Jack'?"

"Joaquim."

"How do you say, Luke?" (his best friend)

"Lucás."

"How do you say, Max?" (his other best friend)

I have no idea... "Um, Mateo."

He leans back in my passenger seat. "What would your name be if you could change it? Or would it still be Emily?"

"Mm, I think I like Emily. Would yours still be Jack?"

He ponders this, staring out the window. "No... I don't think so."

I think about the excitement in our extended family as emails went out when his mom and dad were choosing his name. He was the second baby in his generation (his dad is my first cousin). There have been four more since, and we love them all just as much, but the email-chains over name choices did die down somewhat after about number three. I remember hearing he would be Jack.

"Oh yeah? What would you change it to?"

He tilts his head to one side. "I think... probably 'Awesome'."

Grin. "I love it."

"Yeah. I'd change my last name to Awesome. And my middle name to The. But I'd leave my first name Jack." He grins, satisfied. "Yeah. Then my name would be Jack The Awesome. That would be good."

Can't say what a blessing it is to be living in the same town as them.