in Advent.

from last December.

I'm doing dishes in soft pajama pants and a tank top, thankful to be home with only reading to do the rest of the day. The phone is pressed to my ear. My bread machine mixes yeast into flour behind me.

Her familiar voice from two time zones away, driving home to her husband after a day of teaching.

"I've been reading a lot of psalms on waiting."

I switch ears. Rinse the soap off a bowl, set it aside to dry.

"Oh yeah?"

"That one... oh, I can't remember the reference. It says 'I believe that I will see the goodness of the Lord. In the land of the living.'"

"Ohhh yeah... I love that one."

We sit quietly on the phone together for a few beats. I think about waiting. The waiting they've been doing, waiting I feel. I think about what a promise to see goodness in the land of the living might and might not mean.

She drives. I scrub the sponge across a cookie sheet. She completed paperwork for an IEP for one of her students this week and the special ed department was crazy helpful. I had my semester evaluation with my supervisor yesterday, it was unexpectedly encouraging. They're going out to dinner with friends from small group tonight. I bought quilt fabric today, gorgeous batiks in browns and greens.

"I've been hanging out in this passage in Isaiah..." I tell her.

Enlarge the place of your tent, and let your habitations be stretched out; do not hold back; lengthen your cords and strengthen your stakes.

"Ohhhh."

We talk about it being hard to continue to make room- to keep stretching out, enlarging... in hope. Hard to continue to wait to see the goodness of the Lord in certain fallow places; to believe that we will see it here, "in the land of the living". Easier to put up walls, move on, stop hoping for certain things, stop allowing any empty space at all. Enlarge. Stretch. Lengthen. Strengthen. Do not hold back. Room-making words. Waiting words.

My full heart, as I connect with this beloved friend, baking bread in my little kitchen in the community I love. Her full heart, driving home to his arms, pouring herself out every day for the kids she believes in. Her waiting heart, her frustration and confusion, her cries to Him. My waiting heart, my fear and longings, my cries to Him.

Her dance performance this weekend was so much fun. She was supposed to babysit some friends' kids but they cancelled. My morning client didn't show so I got to start my day with a half hour reading over coffee. I have my tree up and friends have filled it with ornaments. So I'm considerinnngg this thing that probably doesn't make sense... well, sometimes God calls us to hard things, I'll be praying. Thanks, babe.

She's home, time to get ready to go out.

Love you. Love you. Talk to you this weekend. Sounds good.

My dishes are done. The dough is risen and ready to be put in the oven.

It's advent. We're full. We love. We're thankful and happy. And we wait.

.connecticut.

what is there to say? nothing, except that like the rest of the country, my stomach hurts.

today when i got to my friends aaron and irene's house,

i scooped their five-year-old up and hugged him hard and long,

burying my face in his little-boy hair as he, oblivious, told me about how he helped his dad change the brake pads today.

last night i cuddled and laughed and ate nachos with my cohort at jeffrey and sheri's,

all of us gleeful and triumphant over finishing the hardest academic semester we've ever done.

it was good to be with them.

i dragged my finals-weary body out of bed early this morning and went to see some of my little girls play basketball.

i sat on the high-school-gym bleachers with their moms, and cheered as their lean, happy ten-year-old selves ran around the court, high-fiving each other and hustling to catch rebounds.

i thought of young women teaching elementary schoolers,

like this one,

and lynn, and christine,

until i couldn't anymore.

what else is there to do?

hold the ones you love.

.things that made me smile yesterday.

It was a full and long workday at my internship.

Learning-filled.

And full. And long.

And after the full and long 8 hours of clients/supervision,

there were three hours of giving an assessment.

At the end of the day I was exhausted, and not all the good kind.

So here are some things that made me smile today.

*******

My day started off lovely:
I got to have a hot chocolate "girls date" with one of my favorite seven-year-olds
on our way to drop her off at school.

Faith was very excited that they put a gummy worm in her drink.
It was a joy to be with her.

*******

Irene brought the kids and LUNCH and met me on my hour between clients.

We got to chat as we pushed toddlers on swings and ate chicken salad and pear.

Fed my body and my soul.

(When I think about the fact that that happened,

I actually feel kind of like a jerk for feeling so weary/crabby just a few hours later.)

*******

Tamara called right when I had a free 15 minutes!

I love that girl so much...
and ten minutes on the phone with her was energy to love on an afternoon of clients.

And I especially enjoyed this sentence:

"I looked at the pictures of your house...
then I went out and bought a candle."

Yessss :-).

*******

A card in the mail from Langdon
beginning "Dear Aunt Emily"
(and signed, "Peace, Langdon". Of course it was.)

*******

Two voicemails from two separate Matts asking me to please change my outgoing message.

Special props go to Matty, who left me this:

(Singsong voice):

"Summer is oo-verrr,

time to make a neww message...

you would like to dooo thisss...

goodbye."

*******

Another thing that made me smile: I did change my message.

(if you haven't called me since July, for the last three months it's been five different voices all listing five different things I may have been doing- Christine: "I might be camping in Colorado", Heather: "I might be doing a research project in Bolivia", Matt: "I might be in my best friend's wedding in Maryland", you get the idea...).

But, I did change it tonight.

So you should all call me and listen to it.*

It's SHORT (okay, everyone? okay?)

but it still makes me happy.

Not to be too self-satisfied or anything.

*******

I woke to this text from my dad
in response to mine saying I had changed my voicemail:
"I'll miss it!"
Love him.

*******

My mood-lifting plan for the evening involved a text to Nancy.

In all seriousness:

I do holistic.

I don't do work-sleep-repeat.

Even though I think my work is meaningful.

"Will you guys be home at 8:30?"

"Yep."

"Can your favorite 24 year old stop by?"

"Sure."

So after work I went straight there and interacted with people I love

as myself: not a professional.

Or a trying-to-be-professional (it's HARD, yall!).

She called before I stopped by to ask if I needed anything from the store
or if I was just coming to hang.

"If I don't come over, I'll just go home and go to bed,
and then have another long day tomorrow.
I need to remember I'm me and not just a psychologist."

She met me on the porch with a mug of hot chocolate and all of them ended up outside with us
as we talked and laughed about nothing for an hour.

I am so blessed.

Then I went home and felt 800% better.

*******

I am back at work.
But it's all good.

Rock out Tuesday.

*******

*I'm serious. Call right now. Text me beforehand if you don't want me to pick up. Extra points if you leave me love on my voicemail.

When we can live next door.

Recently I observed the following interaction between two people's Twitters (yeah, I was on Twitter briefly. It has since been deleted. Too much stimulation for this girl's ADD brain.).

One friend commented on missing the other- something along the lines of "You live too far away!!!".
The other friend wrote back, "I know!! I can't wait til heaven when we can be next door neighbors!!!".

Oh man did that strike a chord.

I sent this card to Tamara for her birthday last fall.

I drew in a little Starbucks between our imaginary houses.

I have been actively, achingly missing my friends lately. I am feeling a deep longing to be doing regular life with them.

My trip to Wheaton last month was wonderful, and the best part was lots of casual time with my close girlfriends. I went shopping and drank coffee and talked for hours with Tamara. I took meandering evening walks through the neighborhood and cuddled on the couch watching Modern Family and talked for (more) hours with Christine. It was just what I needed, the perfect time with them.

And at points I could barely shake my sadness.

I was super surprised- and then I was SUPER irritated with myself! What kind of a jerk is so ungrateful as to feel sad over something like an awesome trip and lots of time with people I love?! When I love my life in Oregon and CHOSE IT and they love their lives there and I am SO SO lucky to have such great friends near AND far?!

Yeah well, unfortunately (as I would tell anyone else who tried it)- lecturing yourself about how you should feel (whether or not you're right), while so much fun and all, really is not all that productive.

I love where I live and I love the life I have chosen. I love my friends and where they are and what they're doing. I am grateful, and I would not change anything.

But I just miss them. Last year was just... life. Christine and I were involved in each other's daily lives, talking about work and relationships and what to buy at Target- as it all happened. I could stop by Josh and Meghan's apartment and go for a run or grab a bite of whatever delicious thing she'd just cooked on any random week night. A Friday night of Thai food and wine and a long conversation with Tamara happened regularly, and did not require a plane ticket.

I did all of those things in my eight days in Wheaton. It felt like being home- like the most normal, natural thing in the world. And somehow, this time, it sunk in that it's not. This past month since coming back, as I've realized it more and more- that those moments are not my daily life, and more than likely never will be again apart from a few occasional days of vacation...

Well... I've been sad.

I don't regret one bit of this decision, of pursuing this degree and definitely not of putting roots down in this community.
And I am so thankful for my friends' lives, for the blessings filling their Illinois worlds. For rhythms which are joyful and healthy, for jobs and church homes and husbands that love them so well.

Mostly, I am just so thankful I have these friends. Near or far, they are so life-giving for me. Every time I get off the phone with one of them after an hour of laughter and chatting that feels like we might as well be in each other's kitchens, the multiple times a week I send or receive a quick text for prayer over anything from a long day and a crabby attitude to paralyzing fear or deep pain- I feel filled up to the brim with thankfulness and joy. How blessed am I, to have such deep relationships with such wonderful women?

I just really hate not living near them anymore.

And I can't wait til heaven when we can live next door.

Talking to Tamara while I drink coffee on my couch... as she drinks coffee 2100 miles away on her couch.

(Actually, I think she was in her car. Pretty sure there was coffee, though).

 Vegging with Christine last month. A best friend and a purple fuzzy blanket... How life should be.

.10,000 reasons for my heart to find.

Will I ever ever ever understand why I get these kinds of friends in my life??

Such a sweet week.

"...for all Your goodness i will keep on singing

10,000 reasons for my heart to find..."

That song's been on repeat for me this month. Looking at these faces I love so much, I gave up keeping count. 10,000 sounds about right.

 *************

 

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Back in Oregon. New semester.

So grateful to have seen everyone,

a little emotionally (and physically) exhausted,

deeply missing best friends already.
So fed by time and laughter with them.

Lots to pray and process through,

and so grateful to be feeling the peace that somehow God just gives me here.

Pine trees and people I know, everywhere.

 Release of anxiety.

Work I love, everywhere: study, prayer, community.

Grateful.

"Father of Love: You come near to us in your love. 

Your love finds us needy and it does not flee, 

but satisfies our soul. 

Your love comes near to us in your Son..."

.best friends and their husbands.

are the best.

Excellent city weekend with Tamara and Steve.

Now enjoying simple suburban evenings with Christine and Luke.

(Days: Coffee dating like it's my job.)

Oh it is so good to be here. I missed my friends.

Officially my favorite picture ever.

We had coffee together every week for five years. 

Including on her wedding day.

I talked to her for an hour and a half last night while sitting in a coffee shop...

she was 2,000 miles away, but it still fed (caffeinated?) my soul.

So grateful for her and our friendship.

(photo credit: Yeesum Photography!!)

A birthday.

 

 

Happy 24th birthday, my beautiful wonderful friend.

Oh my goodness gracious do I miss this girl!!

Joy, mystery, and overwhelming gratitude.

G-chat, February 14, 2011:

  4:07 AM me: HIIII

4:08 AM YOURE GETTING MARRIED

 Tamara: I KNOW!!!!!!

  AHHHH!!!!!!

4:09 AM me: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  TAMARAAAAAA

4:10 AM

  YOU ARE ENGAGEEDDD!!!!!

 Tamara: I KNoW!!! It was so incredible

 AHHHHH!!!!!!

 me: .......*choking up*

  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Tamara: I love you!!!!

 me: i love you

  SO much

  CONGRATULATIONS

  i am SOOOOOOOOOO proud of you guys

  and so happy.

 Tamara: YAY!!!!!!!!

 me: AH YAY!!!!

Six months later:

Just spent several hours at a rehearsal dinner celebrating and praising two of the people I respect, admire, and love most in the world.  One of my best friends in the world is about to become a wife.  I am exploding with joy,in awe at the love of God and His delight in giving good gifts,(and can not believe how lucky I am to have these kinds of people in my life).  Wedding pics will follow.

"As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one." Ephesians 5:31-32

A gift in this year: "The Improv Apartment"

So funny thing. All through college, my BFF Tamara did Improv, and she had lots of close friends from it who she talked about all the time. And I knew some of them, and thought they were great. But they were... you know... Tamara's Improv friends. I didn't ever hang out with them really or anything.

But, post-grad life shakes out as it will. They ended up living in Wheaton this year, I ended up living in Wheaton this year. Tamara and Steve moved into the city and we all collectively missed them. So we ended up hanging out. A lot.

And I LOVE THEM. It has been such a fun group of people and amazing source of community this year.

They were super supportive of humoring me and my need to have Seasonal Activities and even acted excited about them :-)- and were always the first group to want to plan one and participate whole-heartedly.

We went apple-picking:

 

 

And carved pumpkins:

(yes, and the story is true- after this afternoon my dad and stepmom commented on Tim and Marty being a "cute couple". They would like the world to be aware that they are not, in fact, a couple.)

AND THEY EVEN BUNDLED UP IN FREEZING FREEZING WEATHER AND WENT CAROLING WHICH MADE ME SO HAPPY I THOUGHT I MIGHT EXPLODE INTO A MILLION PIECES OF SEASONAL HAPPINESS:

(And nice people gave us cookies and requested songs. It was so wonderful.)

And they had people over to bake Christmas cookies!

There is always something fun going on in their apartment. Like when we have an hours-long insane Blizzard Party. Or zillion-people movie nights. Or are really excited when our friends get engaged!:

And they are the best people ever for chocolate-fondue-and-board-game nights:

And we went bowling a lot!!! And I TOOK PICTURES OF IT last time but they're on my lost camera. :-(.

And I enjoyed laughing at them I MEAN SYMPATHIZING as they struggled through several months in a pastel-colored, toxically-mold-infested house (true story... well, we think), before moving into their awesome apartment (DOWN THE STREET FROM ME!).

This group was such a source of fun. Sometimes after college you need just a bunch of fun people who want to do fun things and will all be hanging out together. SO grateful for their senses of humor, their energy, their insane inclusiveness (I am constantly hanging at their apartment and bumping into someone who I didn't even know knew them- "Oh, you're friends with these peeps too?" "Obvs."), and their artsiness by which I now have better musical taste and have even been introduced to a few video games :-).

But maybe coolest of all (I mean... it's a tie between this and the Christmas caroling),

they became real, deep friends. I'm grateful for Josh as a spiritual example and a prayer warrior in my life. I'm grateful for so-encouraging conversations with Marty and Steve, and walks, and reading, and eating soup together. I'm grateful for Tim's patient listening and Tim-ness through guy drama :-). I'm grateful that when my 10-year-old stepbrother came to visit they offered to take him to an arcade (who does that?! Awesome friends.)

I love you guys and admire you and I will miss you next year.

Thanking God for giving me the Improv people this year.

(sorry... I don't know how else to refer to y'all collectively. You know who I mean.)

.24.