omigosh that's so morbid why would you post that on your blog.

This will be funnier if you know my mother, slash, my mother and me together.

OK. So. As we know, my mother valiantly battled aggressive advanced breast cancer this year, and, following two rounds of chemo, one round of radiation, and several unpleasant surgeries, is doing well. Yay!

So. (I'm home for Christmas and) tonight I had a little mini-meltdown, about the aforementioned cancer among other less important things. There were tears and nonsensical run-on sentences and my face got all splotchy and it was really great.

My mother, being awesome (and patient enough to lovingly comfort ME about the fact that SHE has a serious illness), was sweet and understanding and rubbed my back and murmured encouraging things...
then said, "Oh, that reminds me, I bought you something today! (big satisfied grin)", and rushed downstairs.

This is the part that will be funnier if you know her, but if you don't: my mother LOVES buying me clothing. It is her goal in life to make sure I look feminine and chic at all times. This is a difficult goal, as I spent most of my college career in an oversized pair of bright orange sweatpants (AND I LOVED THEM!).

So at least once, usually more like three times, every time I am home, she comes home with "all this stuff I just found ON SALE... REALLY... IN YOUR SIZE!!!!"... and it's always very cute, and fitted, and usually pink, and she absolutely refuses to let me return just one piece in order to use the money to buy four or five new books ("You have enough books!!! Now try this on.")

Right, so back to my meltdown, followed with love, followed with "I bought you something!".

So she comes back and hands me a REALLY CUTE BLACK PEA COAT. I super love it and squeal a lot and start to try it on and then am overcome with emotion.

Me: Mommm... can you just hug me for a minute?
Mom: Yes.
(She hugs me for a long time. I bury my face in her shoulder.)
Me: (big sniff) I'm sorry you have cancer.
Mom: Me too. But I think I'm going to be okay.
Me: I KNOW!!!! Isn't that just so AMAZING?
(I start tearing up)
Me: Just... all this week... I kept thinking that you could have been DEAD now. I'm so happy you're alive.
Mom: Me too.
(holds out coat for me to try on)
Mom: Now, make me happier.

i've got such thick skin, press Your words into me.

...holy, holy, holy,
Lord God Almighty
all Thy works shall praise Thy name
in earth, and sky, and sea
there is a sign at the sight of Thee
there is none beside Thee...
God in three persons,
God in three persons,
God in three persons,
blessed Trinity.

.tidings of great joy.

When Linus says "Fear not", he drops his security blanket.

The minute before I watched this, I was tossing around in bed thinking idly at Jesus (this would be what I like to refer to as "praying"). I was asking Him to be with one friend and his family, and I was sort of thinking at Him/with Him about my family, and it was all very personal and casual and great.
Then I watched this movie and thought about the insane majesty it taps into, of the glory of the Lord and unto you a Savior is born and a multitude of heavenly host praising God and the million insane, uncountable, independent stars in the distant galaxies.
And all of a sudden it occurred to me, that personal God I'm hanging out with IS the great majestic God who makes the stars and was born in a manger and is praised by a multitude of heavenly host. And it just boggles the mind.

Merry Christmas, friends.

Some quotes.

Whenever I read something I want to remember, something that makes me think, I copy and paste it into the drafts folder of my email (no idea why, I just remember that they're there). I went through and reread the ones I've saved over the last few months. Here's a few...

"You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life & death to you."

-C.S. Lewis (oh hello last year).

"Most of us make the mistake of seeing our lives through the lens of deficiency: what has been withheld from me? Instead of seeing our lives through the biblical lens: everything has been given."

-dt1021.wordpress.com

"It is clear in the bible that our suffering is often God’s greatest gift to us."

-dt1021.wordpress.com again (I love this blog)

“A mouthful of sea air, or a stiff walk in the wind’s face would not give grace to the soul, but it would yield oxygen to the body, which is next best.”

-Spurgeon

"I think it is appropriate to borrow an insight from the German philosopher Martin Heidegger: that care is our most basic, foundational stance towards the world, and what we care about (even in the short term) can go a long way towards telling us who we are and what we should be doing."

-my awesome friend Marty

"I will never say, ‘Holy, holy, holy’ to that which I have been able to decipher and figure out in my own mind."

-Tozer

"Knowing what we don't want helps affirm what we do."

-Urbanservant.blogspot.com (That truth has been a huge theme of my last year in a very helpful way.)

“If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up people to gather wood, divide the work and give orders. Instead, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea.”

-Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"There is nothing that tells the truth about us as Christians so much as our prayer life."

-Martyn Lloyd-Jones* (*Fun fact: the same Marty I quoted above was named after this Martyn!).

"...Now, there is Real Life. It's not so bad, Peter Pan. Real Life is a good place for people with childlike hearts. There is a wonder in every day, even in the most mundane workaday places and people. Real Life is a rich place for people who love to learn. You are going to learn way, way more in the next ten years than you have in the last twenty. Real Life is a place of genuine creativity. You will write your message on the hearts of countless people and you will create home for the people you love. Real Life is a place of joy for those who love without limits. So, go do that. Take that childlike faith, that trust in goodness, that heartfelt courage, and love without limits."

-ebeth.typepad.com

Emmanuel.

This made me so happy. Definitely worth watching!

I've been pretty obsessed with Mary lately (meaning the mother of Jesus, in addition to being obessed with Mary my best friend and Mary my mentor! What a name.) A woman at our church recently prayed for me on a Sunday that I would have "the heart of Mary". I thought it sounded cool and then I thought about it. Yikes. She didn't exactly have an easy time of it. Scary prayer. But that said I hope it is one God will help me to keep praying... she is pretty freaking amazing, I've been drowning in Luke and loving it this Advent.

"Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word."

Bonjour, Good day, How is your family?

I'm putting together a Disney Princesses' Christmas puzzle with one of my two-year-olds. This girl is too smart, and she is very proud as she carefully sets each piece in place. When she finishes, she beams up at her parents and I, and we clap and coo and give her kisses- "Good job, Mariana!! You did it!! You are SO smart!!".

Next, we practice being able to name and find people!

"Mari, can you find Mamí?"

She grins and points to her mom. More clapping and cooing and kissing! Great job!

"And... where is Papí??"

She points to her dad!! Yay!! Happiness and smiles and hugs abound.

"And... where's Emily??"

She looks at me. Grins. Then looks at her Disney princess puzzle, cocks her head, looks back at me... then points to...

Belle.



I meannn, I get that all the time.

The parents and I raise our eyebrows at each other and laugh agreeably, oh-ha-ha-how-cute. I play it cool, I mean, being compared to super hot Disney princesses is really all in a day's work. Isn't she smart, we pat her head affirmingly and continue...

"And Mariana... where are YOU??"

Oh, she is so smart, this girl! She grins at us widely now. She knows this game. She knows exactly who to point to!

My tiny little Mexican beauty flips aside her gorgeous dark pigtails, bats her big brown eyes, and points her olive-skinned finger at...





...Cinderella.

Sigh.

Oh, well. Even a (short-lived) comparison to a Disney princess wasn't as rewarding as the giggly hug I got around my knees when I walked in the door. I heart my job.

O come to us, abide with us, our Lord Emmanuel.

"I am sitting at a table in Caribou Coffee, in Wheaton, Illinois, watching the snow fall out the window. I am sticking my hair in a bun, pen held between my teeth, absent-mindedly looking through Grooveshark for good tunes for the afternoon. I am doing my reading for my graduate Abnormal Psychology class: from The Clinician's Handbook. This subsection: how to look for signs of physical abuse in a child...

'...There are a number of common physical signs of physical abuse. Burns of all types should cause concern, especially cigarette burns...'

...And I am cooking with the girls, we are laughing and chopping vegetables and the radio is playing reggaetón loudly, we are dancing. I grab one's hand to lift over her head and twirl her around. Without thinking, I gently rub my thumb across the round mark on her forearm, just above her wrist, as I set her hand back down. Faded but still raw looking. There are more on her upper arm, there are more on her back. I've seen them, hoping she doesn't notice my eyes linger- as she chats, cheerfully, as she throws her shirt in her laundry basket and pulls on another one, as she tells me about her morning and what she's going to do for the rest of the afternoon.

I am used to them now, they don't turn my stomach and take my breath the way they did when I first saw them. I don't think every time I see them, about what they mean, about where they came from... they are a part of life here, and I rebel against that with every cell of my body, my brain, my spirit, but it is how you continue to do this work day in and day out. Does she think about those marks and what they stand for consciously, when she looks at her arm, dozens of times a day? Do those memories cross her mind, or is she content in the now, in her life in this house, where she is finally safe? Does that mark on her arm seem as natural to her as the scar on my knee I got falling off my bike when I was five does to me? If so, is that good? Is that bad?...

...I secure the clip in my hair. I order my drink and laugh chatting with the barista. I underline in the book so I can remember the details for the test, but I write Lord have mercy in the margin."

-repost from Feb 2010.

Abide: to remain, continue, stay. To have one's abode, dwell, reside.
Emmanuel
is a Hebrew word which translates literally to,
"God with us."

"...o come to us, abide with us, our Lord Emmanuel."

i got back from bolivia one year ago today.

"Oh, it's really good! I really like it! The wine AND the bread!"

-a six-ish year old girl at Rez when she took Communion from me today.


Joy on so many levels in that interaction.

.así sea.

"Take me often from the tumult of things into Thy presence.
There show me what I am, and what Thou hast purposed me to be.
Then hide me from Thy tears.

O King and Saviour, what is Thy gift to me?
And do I use it to Thy pleasing?
Dear Lord, You alone know what my soul truly desires,
and You alone can satisfy those desires.

I have prepared a place for you, says the Lord,
a place that is for you, and only you, to fill.
Approach My table,
asking first that you might serve.
Look even for the lowest tasks.
Then, the work of service done,
look for your own place at the table.
But do not seek the most important seat
which may be reserved for someone else.
In the place of My appointing will be your joy.

Lord, show me the right seat;
find me the fitting task;
give me the willing heart.
May I be equal to Your hope of me.
If I am weak, I ask that You send only what I can bear.
If I am strong, may I shrink from no testing
that shall yield increase of strength or win security for my spirit.

I trust in Thee, O Lord. I say, 'Thou art my God.
My times are in Thy hand, my times are in Thy hand.´"

-Hild's Prayer, from CDP

yep.

Christmas is coming!

Here are some of my faves and me on Christmas Eve last year, in our matching Christmas pj's. I get to see them so soon!!

It snowed today :-)

BCP's Collect 24, "For Vocation in Daily Work".

"Almighty God, our heavenly Father, you declare your glory
and show forth your handiwork in the heavens and in the earth:

Deliver us in our various occupations from the service of self alone,

that we may do the work You give us to do
in truth and beauty and for the common good;

for the sake of Him who came among us as one who serves,
your Son Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you
and the Holy Spirit, one God, forever and ever. Amen."

buried in paperwork and frustrated at the system and not sure how
to carry hopeless cases and dumbstruck at my own capacity for laziness.

deliver me from the service of self alone,
(here the traditional collect adds, "we beseech Thee". amen.),
may i do the work You give me to do.

in truth.
and beauty.
amen.

for those of you who press mute instinctively when you arrive at my blog...

(as I've recently been informed some people and their apartment-mates do!)...

un-mute it, because Gotta Have You and the rest have been temporarily replaced with a rockin' shuffling Christmas mix.

The Weepies shall return Dec 26, have no fear.

Enjoy!

the streets you're walking on, a thousand houses long.

My dear friend Matt works full-time in a home for homeless people who are dying of AIDS and other terminal illnesses in Washington, D.C.

He absolutely loves it. And it is, as you can imagine, tremendously difficult.

The past few weeks he has been spending a lot of time with the 8-year-old son of one of their residents. Here's an excerpt from a recent email (name changed, emphasis' mine).

"...This is one of those relationships that has been teaching me about love.

It has also been a reminder that I cannot fix everything that I want to.

John's wife and son need money and I don't have that to give to them.

His son is going to grow up without his dad and I can't do anything about that.

But, as Dr. Litfin always says, we aren't to respond to need, we are to respond to calling.

The needs are overwhelming and we can easily get bogged down in a futile attempt to meet all of them. God is reminding me that even though I can't make everything better, we are doing important things. We are providing a place for John to die, which is huge, and, in reality, all that Joseph's House is designed to be.

And even though I can't be there for his son in a year or five years or ten years, I can hang out with him now.

I can run around playing games with him and love him in the present.

So not enough,

but all that I have to give right now,

and so from my perspective,

it is enough."

So much to be said on those themes, but I will leave good words alone for now.

(I will say this: for all of the many areas at which I am so sub-par... I am so good at somehow finding the best people in the world to be my friends. I am, all of the time, in grateful disbelief over the people I know.)

joy- the person (who brings me joy the thing).

You should go read my friend Joy's blog.
She is a missionary in Argentina,
and I am insanely proud of her.

In Protest of Fragmentation.

I spent a good amount of afternoons this fall walking through the leaves.










And enjoying every minute of it.

"...If you want to live life free,
take your time, go slowly.
Do few things, but do them well,
simple joys are holy."

Claire; or, I so know right.

An email from my beautiful BFF-since-9th-grade Claire included this conversation she's been having with herself. I connected deeply.

"...me: hm, i miss maryland and want to go back. maybe i could even go to school again sometime soon.

me: well that's fine claire, but you know it's going to be different and not like college time. also, you dont know what you're going to go to school for.

me: oh yeah thats a good point.

me: how about you go somewhere crazy then!?

me: okay! buuut...maybe i don't want to.

me: fine let's just worry about this later, shall we?

me: wahoo!"

Affirm. Oh post-college life.

(I freakin' love that girl...)

Pics courtesy of a day trip Chris, Claire, and I took during our wonderful 08 summer of love. PS, can you believe how blue her eyes are?? (She's gonna be so mad at me when she reads this. ;-))

.uselessness.

i've been touched by this this week.

"...His life taken from Him in the ugliest of executions-
what a waste it looked!
His life was poured out in intentional uselessness,
like the expensive ointment the woman poured out on His head.

Some of us are indignant at the waste, like Judas was.

Some of us are envious of her- at least she had the ointment.

We would like to have something to give, to pour out for love of Him, but we don't have even that. It seems we don't have anything.

Nothing to offer except our uselessness, and our choice to be with Him:
and that is a choice that no one but Him is likely to put any value on."

-from Celtic Daily Prayer's Aidan readings

and oh, how He puts value on it.

love, great dinners out with friends, and the difference between guys and girls.

I went out to dinner last night with my awesome friends Steve and Tamara. Steve and Tamara are DATING. Steve and Tamara are I-N L-O-V-E. Like for real for real, and it's been incredibly beautiful and wonderful to watch it unfold over the last year.

So last night we're out to dinner and every so often they will reference something about their future together. Like holidays will come up and they're trying to figure out where they will be, weddings will come up, and the phrase "Ours should be like..." will be said, or infertility will come up and "Well we'd probably adopt..." gets said (I'm not sure how all those topics came up over a chill dinner at a Mongolian grill, but they did).

It inspires in me a healthy dose of making fun of them combined with some OMIGOSHMYBEAUTIFULFRIENDISINLOVEFORREALWITHTHISAWESOMEGUYANDTHEY'REGOINGTOGETMARRIEDDDD!!!! giddy disbelief and joy as I watch Tam's face radiate when she looks at Steve... not even to mention the way he looks at her.

Yeah, I'm a sap.

So moving on. We're eating our spicy bowls of awesomeness and we are, in fact, discussing infertility which leads to adoption which leads to foster care. So Tamara and I get into this like, legit discussion about foster care. How important it is for Christians to be involved in, how Focus on the Family's new adoption incentives have reduced the number of kids waiting for families in Colorado in half, how we really want to make it a priority in our adult lives but also omigosh is it ever a big deal...

Anyway, Steve is kind of half in the conversation and doodling on his napkin. We're like, Steve, so what do you think.

He looks up. "Huh? Oh... sorry, I wasn't paying attention." We look at his napkin and he looks sheepish.

"Yeah, well... I was just thinking... you know how sometimes when people get married, they get stuff with their initials on them? Like, the last initial in the middle, and then the husband and wife's initials on either side? I was just figuring out how ours would look..."

AWWWWW, Tamara and I make isn't-he-cute faces at each other...

"And look," he continues, and shows us what he's drawn...

S H T

"...If you add just one letter to ours, it would spell-"

And, that is the difference between guys and girls.

We ran the half-marathon and it was freaking awesome.

Christine, Luke, Christine's fam, Meghan and I dressed up in costume to run the Chicago Monster Half-Marathon on Halloween morning. 13.1 miles baby!!! It was so much fun. Five days later and my knees are still enjoying shouting their existence to me all the day long... but it was so worth it. :-)

Go Luke and Christine go!

And I'm off...

The proud husband after the race! These are my dear friends Meghan and Josh. Meghan can run 13 miles and still look this gorgeous. It's kind of unfair. (And then she graciously hosted 10 of us that night in her apartment for small group!!! I love that girl.)

The costumes were fun, but the weeks of training, the day itself and the people were definitely the most "Incredible" part (hahaha... our costumes... get it?).

I love my girls! Here we are, excited and ready to run at 6:30 in the morning.

i love this work.

"sit with me and tell me once again...
why our thinking and creating
and our efforts at narrating
about the beauty, of the beauty
why it matters...

...with its beauty,

how it matters.
how it matters."

-sara groves, "why it matters"