Future Thoughts...

I am a senior in college. I forget this usually, because I am not on campus, I am not going to class, I am not eating at Saga or hanging out in the library or studying. But, despite my less traditional first semester, I am a senior in college. And in less than a year, I will not be a senior in college. I will be (gulp) a college graduate.

I´m thankful that at the moment, my problem doesn´t feel like no options, as I hear many fret over. Instead, it´s more like choosing which of many options to pursue.

Although, before all of you who feel you fall in the first category start throwing tomatoes at me, I must clarify... at the moment, any, and I mean ANY "option" which involves being near people that I love and does NOT involve trying to challenge every belief and thought I´ve ever had... sounds GREAT. So when I say I have "many options", I´m including the fact that laying on the couch while my mother makes me tea and oatmeal for the next ten months sounds like an amazing plan right now.

OK no but seriously. I am excited at the prospect of the next few years, but I also feel slightly overwhelmed and really, really, really unsure of what to do. I love Spanish and want to continue studying it, but I don´t know if I feel up to more months of this. I love clinical psychology, but am I ready to start a grad program right now (if I even could get in to one I like)? I´ve felt drawn to missionary care for several years now, and there are several options with that I could pursue. But can I really leave everyone again, be in another country again, right after this? Mosoj Yan has told me I could come back anytime. I love my job, I love the staff. What would it be like to return? And, I´m not sure, but I think there´s a really good chance that whatever decision I make will be signficantly based off of being near people who know and love me deeply and who I know and love deeply. I think that´s fine to want, but is it okay for it to really be my deciding factor? And if so... which people? And where? And depending on where it is, what would I do there?

Will He really get me where He wants me? Will I be where I´m "supposed" to be? And so often what I mean by that is, will I be somewhere awesome that I love?

I was looking through Celtic and saw a prayer labeled, "Hild of Whitby- ´in the right place´". Oh perfect, I thought, I want to get there.

"Take me often from the tumult of things into Thy presence.

There show me what I am, and what Thou hast purposed me to be..."

Exactly!

"I have prepared a place for you, says the Lord,

a place that is for you, and only you, to fill..."

Awesome! A purpose! Sounds great!

"...Approach My table, asking first that you might serve."

Though most of the options I´m seriously considering involve ´service´ of some kind, I have NOT been asking FIRST, that I might serve. It just hasn´t been my motivating factor. I want to help people, I´m fine with helping people. But my goal is not to help people. My goal is to do something that sounds fun to me.

I could go do grad school in order to become a clinical psychologist to help people because I have prayed and sought God and really believe that is the best way to use my gifts to honor Him. But I could also do it because it´s just what I want to do because I enjoy it. I could go do missions care because I am willing to live in another country if it´s what I feel would be the most helpful with where I am right now, or I could do it because it´s just something I have the option of. But I´ve heard this rumor that God cares the most, about our hearts. A good thing done for the wrong reasons can honor God less than a seemingly less important thing done with a heart to love and serve.

And... He will use me if I seek to follow Him.

It´s not really about what I end up doing. It´s about that I ask first that I might serve.

Hild’s Prayer

"Take me often from the tumult of things into Thy presence.
There show me what I am, and what Thou hast purposed me to be.
Then hide me from Thy tears.

O King and Saviour, what is Thy gift to me?
And do I use it to Thy pleasing?
Dear Lord, You alone know what my soul truly desires,
and You alone can satisfy those desires.

I have prepared a place for you, says the Lord,
a place that is for you, and only you, to fill.
Approach My table, asking first that you might serve.
Look even for the lowest tasks.
Then, the work of service done,
look for your own place at the table.
But do not seek the most important seat
which may be reserved for someone else.
In the place of My appointing will be your joy.

Lord, show me the right seat;
find me the fitting task;
give me the willing heart.
May I be equal to Your hope of me.
If I am weak, I ask that You send only what I can bear.
If I am strong, may I shrink from no testing
that shall yield increase of strength or win security for my spirit.

I trust in Thee, O Lord. I say, 'Thou art my God.
My times are in Thy hand, my times are in Thy hand.´"