Textbooks Make Awesome Autumn-Leaf-Pressers!!

So that's why we had to buy so many of them!!

(Just kidding. I study in grad school.)

I heart fall.

A birthday.

 

 

Happy 24th birthday, my beautiful wonderful friend.

Oh my goodness gracious do I miss this girl!!

Cloudless blue skies in Oregon today!

Perfect fall day.

Reveling in natural beauty has always been
my best help for homesickness.

.love this.

"Once, when I was very unhappy, Hugh and I had to go to a large cocktail party. There was nothing I wanted to do less than get dressed up and have to radiate charm to swarms of people. But we went, and I tried. There was a woman at the party who very quickly had too much to drink because she was lost; she had been widowed; she had not been able to find a new life which was valuable, or in which she felt she had any value. She talked to me and cried into her drink and suddenly she said, 'You're a very happy person, aren't you?'

I had, at that point, legitimate reason to be miserable. But her question stopped me in my tracks. I looked at her in surprise and gratitude and said, 'Yes. I am.'

This was ten years ago. But the answer is still the same. The better word, of course, is joy, because it doesn't have anything to do with pain, physical or spiritual. I have been wholly in joy when I have been in pain- childbirth is the obvious example. Joy is what has made the pain bearable and, in the end, creative rather than destructive.

To be fifty-one in the world of today and to be able to say, 'I am a happy person,' may seem irresponsible. But it is not. It is what keeps me capable of making a response. I do not understand it, or need to.

Meanwhile, I am grateful."

-Madeleine L'Engle,

A Circle of Quiet

Yes. Just... yes.

Preaching to myself.

I forwarded this email a few weeks ago to some friends who are out on HNGR right now; I wrote it midway through my own internship in 2009 and hoped it would encourage them in those oh-so-fun "HNGR September blues". I went back this week and needed to reread it to myself... what was it I was saying again?

In moments of tiredness, when I don't know what to do next and I'm wondering if I'm where I should be, when energy or even joy feel hard to find... let me just be faithful.

"...I’ve had the phrase “live faithfully”running through my head for a couple months

and I’ve prayed it often, that I would live this time “faithfully”, whatever that might mean.

I’ve asked God for joy;

but I’ve also been reminded that living faithfully,

often means just doing what I am supposed to be doing at any given moment.

Living faithfully isn’t necessarily waking up with a huge leap of joy in my heart to be in this city the way I have felt at other times; it might be just going to work (preferably on time), trying my best to love the girls, working on my independent study, and playing cards with my host siblings.

Maybe right now I need to be learning how to just fulfill my responsibilities faithfully and as cheerfully as possible, with or without “feeling” how I want to be feeling;

and that THAT is what I am called to
in this time."

 

 dried hydrangeas and vanilla candles on my bedroom wall.

My mother outdid herself.

 

 

The most beautiful quilt in the world now graces my bed.

(It's sad when your mom's too far away to cuddle with, but this is definitely the next best thing.)

Having a Science Nerd For a Dad is Great.

Post a mention of the Northern lights, I got this text:

"I love you to the top of the sphere of fixed stars!!!"

Thanks, Dad. Me you, too :-)

Becky Ramsing came to visit and brought me the best present ever.

 

I know, right?!

Hot date.

I went to Starbucks with a cute boy yesterday.

He melted my heart with his excellent hand-holding skills, his wide grin... and his shoes that light up when he walks.

 

 

He's a cheap date, too. His only requests were a chocolate chip cookie, apple juice, and that we sit at a "really tall table" and take a picture so he could show Daddy how he climbed in it all by himself (he really did, too!).

 

 (Salted caramel mocha for this cousin!!! Heart fall.)

 

We brought Mama back some coffee and she was happy too.

 

"Hey Wyatt, want to know something?"

"Yeah!"

"I love you very much."

"I already knew that!!"

Such a blessing to be near my sweet family.

Reason Fourteen Million and Six I Love Breanne.

Gchat:

me: mrr...
i so feel like God's telling me i need to stop whining and learn to live in ambiguity.

Breanne:  whatevs.
i hate ambiguity.

Way to summarize, love :-)

provision.

This is a guy in my cohort and his wife, at their house last night. Our cohort had a prayer retreat a couple Saturdays ago and in my small group, despite my best efforts to the contrary, I ended up venting out some worries I was carrying. Tyson came up to me on Monday. "So... I hope you don't mind... but I told my wife some about what you're thinking. And... she's a really great resource. She said she'd love it if you wanted to come over and talk to her any time..."

Sooo... last night I did. I went and perched in their living room and felt self-conscious for about three seconds but it went away in their genuineness and warmth and as I laughed with them at their three beautiful kids running around the living room. Then Tyson put them to bed and Jesi asked me awesome questions and shared good thoughts and was empathetic and wise and prayerful and helpful. And I left feeling encouraged and cared for... and a little bit more able to trust God.

And not only did they reach out to me, listen to me, not judge me, and share their hearts and home:

  we had banana splits.

.grateful... for a lot.

A sweet and full six weeks.

It's October 1. I woke up this morning snuggled under a REALLY comfy down blanket on two of my favorite people's couch in Seattle, which is a lovely way to start your favorite month of the year.

I drove up after class yesterday to join Tim & Ash, beautiful Kari, and several other Wheaton alumni in the area for a "Thanksgiving dinner"... since we're losing T&A (sob) back to North Carolina this month, we had to celebrate together early.

I'm back now, refreshed and content. And this crisp evening, I am thankful.

Sweet gifts in this season...

-Doing life with people here. Matt pointed out to me on the phone last week how perfect this cohort set up is for "the way I love to do life"... I see the same people every day, I form deep relationships with them, I get to do the daily tasks of life with them. As much as I loved my community last year, there were few people I saw more than once a week. I'm in class four days a week with the same people; we study together; we bike together; we plan random fun weekend activities together; we cook and eat meals together.

-After sitting next to me at orientation, a quiet guy in my cohort named Ryan went home and informed his wife he had found her new Newberg best friend. Then he brought her to our house for a potluck the next night and sent us into the kitchen together. Half an hour later we had yet to emerge, and were found leaning against the counter discussing our love of Madeleine L'engle and when we could have coffee. Her name is Chelsea and I LOVE her. And I love her husband and I love them together and I love hanging out with them. They and my roommate and I take turns cooking dinner for each other (they made crockpot basil chicken last week, I made the Barefoot Contessa's roasted-red-pepper-and-goat-cheese sandwiches this week), Chelsea hosts weekly Grey's Anatomy nights, we're holding each other accountable to read for pleasure, we text each other prayer requests. It's. Great.

-My sweet and quirky roommate. She's ridiculous and hilarious and wonderful. I am loving living with her.

-Quaint, beautiful Newberg. I love this small town.

-Everything being within a mile. Love it, love it, love it.

-Insanely approachable, warm, encouraging professors.

-A promising-seeming dissertation topic I am giddy with excitement over and a potential advisor who is excited too.

-Slower pace of life here.

-Lots of time outside.

-Autumn air.

-Leaves starting to change.

-MY BIKE (thank you sweet cousins)

-The intimacy with God which comes from loneliness. The good kind of loneliness.

-His tenderness and patience with me and a sense of His presence this week.

-A sense of rightness of being here in this season. As Kar and I talked about today, you can be in the right place without it feeling especially right, and that's important to know how to do. But... it's SO great when it DOES feel right. I'm sooo thankful and enjoying that.

-Amazinggg time with Wheaton friends this week. Ame's wedding, SARAH, which will be its own post, and Seattle last night and today.

-The long drive to Seattle alone, looking out at pine trees and mountains and lakes, listening to hymns and letting their truth feed and ground and comfort me. It was so so just what I needed.

-Waking up on Tim and Asharae's couch this morning, cuddling with Ash, going out to eat with them, good talks, good laughter, good friends.

-A long date with Kari, seeing the amazing fit Seattle is for her, seeing so much of what God is doing in and through and around her, watching her radiance and peace, the comfort and joy of being listened to and loved by a good friend.

-Voicemails and texts from my BEAUTIFUL faraway friends. I am so blessed.

It's October. I am thankful.

90.14

more than all i want

more than all i need

You are more than enough for me

more than all i know

more than all i can see

You are more than enough for me

Too funny not to post.

So I sent an email to one of my best friends in Chicago tonight,

"hey babe- i miss you!
this website should help you with some of the tasks you have weighing on you right now.
you're welcome."

The link leads to the official Oregon state website's "Moving Tips" page. As in, here's how you can move to Oregon! (She has no plans to move to Oregon). Cute, right? Hint hint, I miss you, move to Oregon, ok funny email, love you bye!

Except I am perpetually multi-tasking and so rather than waste the approximately 1.2 seconds it takes to open up a compose mail window by just waiting on gmail, I was looking up recipes. I had just copied the Oregon website address, but found a good looking tomato-pie recipe in the meantime and without thinking copied that one too.

Then I wrote the email to the friend (who is, btw, recently married), over "website" pressed paste and linked her to... the recipe.

Click over to the recipe and see why that was unfortunate.

"Hey babe, this should help you with some of the tasks you have right now..."

Awesome.

I got to see Jana this weekend!

Your jealousy is totally valid.

We were celebrating someone we love getting MARRIED!!... it was absolutely beautiful. More pics to come.

.it all.

"The great secret to the spiritual life, the life of the Beloved Sons and Daughters of God,

is that everything we live,

be it gladness or sadness, joy or pain, health or illness,

can all be part of the journey toward the full realization of our humanity."

-Henri Nouwen,

Life of the Beloved

Made. my. day.

Just got this email from a close friend from Rez, about a conversation with her 4-year-old.

"Emily,

Just saw a picture of you from this summer's Bolivia trip on the Wheaton homepage!  This reminded me that I wanted  to tell you something cute A. did a week or two ago.  She's in pre-K now and they have a devotional and prayer time each morning.  A. informed me one day that she had prayed for Miss Emily during this time, "since she's moving far away and that's sad".  I was so surprised because we hadn't talked about you recently.  So I chalk it up to the Holy Spirit.  

Just thought you'd feel loved by that!!

Hope the transition to new school, new home, new church, new friends, etc is going well."

Have I mentioned I love my babies?
Also, why is my life so wonderful.

Also, I miss my Wheaton community.

A good day.

Pumpkin spice coffee,

developmental psychology,

my new favorite coffee shop,

and Tracy Chapman, Mumford & Sons, and David Gray playing.

Mmm, dear grad school life, I like you.

.rock of ages (when the day seems long).

Rock of Ages, when the day seems long

from this labor and this heartache, i have come

the skies will wear out, but You remain the same

Rock of Ages, i praise Your name

Rock of Ages, when in want or rest

my desperate need for such a Savior i confess

pull these idols out from my heart embrace

Rock of Ages, i need Your grace

 Rock of Ages, "It is done!" You cried

the curtain's torn and i see justice satisfied

now write Your mercy, on my heart and hands

Rock of Ages, in faith i stand

Rock of Ages, my great hope secure

Your promise holds just like an anchor to my soul

bind Your children with cords of love and grace

Rock of Ages, we give You praise.

-Rock of Ages (When the Day Seems Long),

Indelible Grace: By Thy Mercy

On repeat today.

.this is so so so my heart exactly these days.

"We yearn, in every season, for your presence.
We know that our hearts will be restless, until they rest in you...

Truth to tell, we do pant restlessly,
       but not always for you.
               Sometimes, instead for security
                                   or sex and beer and sports,
                                   or power and success,
                                   or beauty and acceptance... not seeking you.

...We yearn for you in every season,
        making you too easy, imagining you too difficult,
       bewildered and unsure until you give yourself concretely to us,
        as you have done and as you do. Amen."

-Brueggemann, "Not always for you"

Read that a couple days ago after a restless wrestling prayer day and almost cried.

Yes to yearning but not always for Him.

 Yes to making him too easy and yes to imagining Him too difficult,

yes to bewildered and unsure,

and oh yes to how He gives Himself concretely to me, anyway.

1) I love Tim and Ash, 2) A long runway, and 3) Beautiful photos. (I have decided I love lists.)

I got to see two of my favorite people the other week!

(Dear Asharae, I am obsessed with your eyes. Love, Emily. PS I mean that totally non-creepily.)

 

1) Tim and Asharae, close friends of mine from Wheaton, moved to Seattle shortly after their wedding last summer. We have been eagerly texting all year about how great it would be when I joined them in the Pacific Northwest... and the day finally arrived!!

We met up at a town in Washington, found a random beautiful park,

and wandered the woods, laughed a lot, and (very normal for the three of us) sat and talked for hours.

It would be impossible to say everything I appreciate about these two (I tried a bit last year)... they are two of the most genuine people I know. They engage in life fully. Their marriage is beautiful and a privilege to behold. They are unfailingly kind. They are thoughtful and prayerful and wise and insanely, ridiculously encouraging (and I know a LOT of encouraging people). Whenever we hang out I always leave feeling strengthened to seek and love God and to be myself.

2) As we talked I ended up sharing a LOT with them about some of my thoughts and feelings and tentative hopes and concerns about entering a five-year program.

I am so excited to put whole-heart-mind-body-engagement into this education.

Into studying and practicing and pouring myself into learning these skills- out of true hope that it is the best way to steward the gifts God has given me. That it will enable me to serve Him and others in the long-term.

But still. There is this tension...

of memories of laughing and dancing with these sweet girls and praying over them as I tuck them into bed.

Of my arms that long to hold babies that need love.

Of so many needs everywhere-

and I'm burying myself in textbooks in a coffee shop??!

Really? Really, this is not the most selfish and ridiculous thing ever?

They talked to me about the concept of "a long runway"- something they learned about this past year. The idea that God is preparing us all the time and we don't know how He's going to use us in the long-term.

We try to serve Him each day, and we also hold our present with the idea that it may be "a runway"- work and preparation happening in our life and heart and skills, for something in the future we don't know yet.

And sometimes it's "a long runway". They reminded me of that idea.

I'm still mulling on the concept and it will probably turn into its own post at some point. In any case, I was so encouraged by their words and their affirmation of where I am right now. I left feeling strengthened.

3) They run their own professional photography business and they are incredible at it. If you need anything done in the Seattle area through the fall or the Raleigh, NC area after that (or they travel!), I cannot recommend them highly enough.

Gotta love hanging out with friends who can make a walk in the woods turn into this:

 

(I stole their camera and took some of them, too, because as you can see they're way too cute to always be behind it.)

 

I love you guys SO much! Thank you for letting me into your life... thanks for loving on me soooooo much... I am so happy we are in the same region :-).

 

 

 Ah, friendship. You are my favorite.

(All images are Asharae Marie Photography. Yay!)