.why Christmas means more to me as an adult.

After HNGR, and cancer, and after a year and a half of post-grad life, and after, I think, a little bit more understanding that, no matter how filled with joy and love my life is (and oh is it!),
this world is not my home and the point of life is not to be happy and without pain.

"The celebration of Advent is possible only to those who are troubled in soul,
who know themselves to be poor and imperfect,
who look forward to something greater to come. 
...the Holy One himself comes down to us,
God in the child in the manger.
God comes.
The Lord Jesus comes.
Christmas comes.
Christians rejoice!...

We are no longer alone. God is with us."

-Bonhoeffer, Christmas Sermons

Such comfort and joy in heartache or fear:

with Christmas everywhere around me, I'm reminded...

not that things are easy or painless, but that in all things:

incarnation, He walked our earth, Emmanuel, God-with-us,

He abides in us.

(HT for Bonhoeffer quote)

I love my mama.

Cancer: Not fun. But trying on hats and scarves, tots is.

Pic of me in the blonde wig: Intentionally not posted. If you need something to thank Jesus for today, thank Him for not making me a blonde. Good call, God. Dude.

We love each other a lot.

And snuggling is the best.

It's good to be home.

Twelve.

The tree outside my window at work has full, green leaves on it.
A few weeks ago, I saw it budding.
The last time it looked like that... I saw it, too. Looking out of the same window.

I have now spent twelve full months in one place. For the last... ok, not 365 days technically, but over 350, which I say counts- days, I have slept in the same bed. I get up every morning and drive to the same job. And there every day I blessedly, wonderfully, do... the same thing I have done for the last. twelve. months.

The trees were just budding when I started there. As they were wide and green all spring and summer long, I drove down Roosevelt into West Chicago and did my paperwork and got to know my families. Through the humid summer, I ran on this prairie path, got frappuccinos at this Starbucks, finger-painted with my kids outside on the grass. This whole fall, I was here, carving pumpkins (three times, in fact, because I didn't have a fall my HNGR year and I was absolutely maximizing this one!!), going apple picking (twice- see what I mean?), taking long walks alone among the leaves. They changed and fell and it snowed and I walked in that too, and then I got sick of walking in it and watched it from inside, and drank hot chocolate with my roommates and decorated our Christmas tree. It kept snowing. I held a Valentine's craft party and walked on a frozen lake with my small group, my kids made cotton ball snowmen and we sang about spring coming. I dared to slowwllyy shed first the down jacket, then the jacket, and now, finally, the sweaters. I am in short sleeves and flip flops and swingy skirts and I meet friends by the lake behind Rez multiple times a week to sprawl on the grass as we chat in the sunshine. This week my babies and moms and I took walks and pointed out the colors of the flowers.

I have had a year of serving Eucharist at church on Sunday mornings. I've had a year of doing life with my small group every Sunday night. I've had a year of journaling in the same coffee shops I journaled in in college. I've had 52 weeks of coffee heart-to-hearts with Tamara, of family dinners with Ryan and Kendra, of running with Meghan and pre-work breakfasts with Chet. 52 weeks of Christine and Steve and Elise, of Rez and Iglesia and my ten beautiful families.

Jana asked me on a Saga date mid-last semester, "What are your non-negotiables?". We were all weighing so many things as we tried to figure out where we'd be post-graduation- job opportunities, relationships, adventure, finances... What were going to be my deciding factors?

I needed to be in one place. I needed to have four full seasons in one place- in a familiar place. I didn't know why. I just knew I did.

Seeing that tree (seriously- that was what made me think of it. It's a really pretty tree :-P)- seeing that tree, I realized I saw it go through its entire life cycle this year. It grew its leaves and lost them and stood bare and grew them again and now here they are. Again. I saw all of it. I saw Wheaton, I saw my families, I saw the same friends, through twelve whole months. Through one entire rotation of the earth around the sun, I was here, doing a few tasks and loving the same people.

Written down this sounds really obvious and not that exciting. And I know that after college, this becomes the norm- most likely in the not-distant future, I'll spend two, five, ten or twenty!, full years in the same place with the same people.

But this first year of it since high school, and especially the year after HNGR and cancer, I'm so grateful. This world turned all by itself as I walked the same streets and loved the same people and focused on my simple work. The seasons changed as I healed and, somehow, that let me just be.

And I am so grateful for that.

The tree outside my office, mid-October.

"...Summer and winter and springtime and harvest

Sun, moon, and stars in their courses above

Join with all nature in manifold witness

To Thy great faithfulness, mercy, and love."

omigosh that's so morbid why would you post that on your blog.

This will be funnier if you know my mother, slash, my mother and me together.

OK. So. As we know, my mother valiantly battled aggressive advanced breast cancer this year, and, following two rounds of chemo, one round of radiation, and several unpleasant surgeries, is doing well. Yay!

So. (I'm home for Christmas and) tonight I had a little mini-meltdown, about the aforementioned cancer among other less important things. There were tears and nonsensical run-on sentences and my face got all splotchy and it was really great.

My mother, being awesome (and patient enough to lovingly comfort ME about the fact that SHE has a serious illness), was sweet and understanding and rubbed my back and murmured encouraging things...
then said, "Oh, that reminds me, I bought you something today! (big satisfied grin)", and rushed downstairs.

This is the part that will be funnier if you know her, but if you don't: my mother LOVES buying me clothing. It is her goal in life to make sure I look feminine and chic at all times. This is a difficult goal, as I spent most of my college career in an oversized pair of bright orange sweatpants (AND I LOVED THEM!).

So at least once, usually more like three times, every time I am home, she comes home with "all this stuff I just found ON SALE... REALLY... IN YOUR SIZE!!!!"... and it's always very cute, and fitted, and usually pink, and she absolutely refuses to let me return just one piece in order to use the money to buy four or five new books ("You have enough books!!! Now try this on.")

Right, so back to my meltdown, followed with love, followed with "I bought you something!".

So she comes back and hands me a REALLY CUTE BLACK PEA COAT. I super love it and squeal a lot and start to try it on and then am overcome with emotion.

Me: Mommm... can you just hug me for a minute?
Mom: Yes.
(She hugs me for a long time. I bury my face in her shoulder.)
Me: (big sniff) I'm sorry you have cancer.
Mom: Me too. But I think I'm going to be okay.
Me: I KNOW!!!! Isn't that just so AMAZING?
(I start tearing up)
Me: Just... all this week... I kept thinking that you could have been DEAD now. I'm so happy you're alive.
Mom: Me too.
(holds out coat for me to try on)
Mom: Now, make me happier.

Paul said to Petey, You gotta rock yourself a little harder.

A sweet best friend "felt compelled" to spend her lunch hour yesterday in one of the chapels on Wheaton's campus, praying for me and my family.
(No words for how much that means.)
She shared this verse from her time with me:

"Lord, through all the generations
You have been our home."
(Psalm 90:1)

A favorite.

Oh hey cancer!

My mother and I are sitting in a small, sterile room while a very kind and patient doctor with an Indian accent and expressive hand gestures goes over with us every chemical that is about to be running through her veins for the next 18 weeks.

This includes discussion of side effects. Tiredness, hair loss, are normal, he explains. Other common effects... blah, blah, blah...

He smiles reassuringly at us. Do you have questions? Really. ANY question at all, don't be afraid to ask. I'm here to help with WHATEVER you need-

And my mother immediately jumps in. She does have a question, and judging from the expression on her face, it's urgent. Even alarming. Some word in this litany of side effects and description of the journey ahead has caught her ear, and I worriedly wonder which one it was...

Commanding our attention, she holds up her hands, displaying perfectly rounded, shiny dark pink (dusty rose, in fact) tips.

"You said chemo can cause changes to fingernails. What about these? Can I still have them done?"

Oh, sure, he assures her. As long as you're careful about everything being sterilized, painting your nails is no problem. There are even some oncology nurses who volunteer to do manicures...

No, no, you don't understand. They're not REAL. I get acryllics. I LOVE my acryllics. This is really important. Can I still get acryllics?

My mother, who through this discussion of chemo and tumors and percentage rates has laughingly cracked jokes (good ones, too) and compassionately sympathized with the doctor over the stress of his office politics, raises an eyebrow as she waits for the answer.

I mean it's the important stuff that matters, really.

The good doctor pauses as a slightly less-than-confident expression crosses his face for the very first time in our meeting.

"Um... I think so... well... hm. You know, I'll check on that for you. I'll ask um... the nurses..."

Pause...

"You know," he says, "in my time as an oncologist, I'm not sure anyone has ever asked me that before."

Welcome to hanging out with my mother.

Y'know, I think she's gonna be okay.

but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.

We received the news on Thursday that my mother has breast cancer.

She is beautiful.

Please be praying for her,
and our family.

Yesterday:
Me: So Mom, how are you feeling?
Mom: Well honey, quite frantic. This snow is MELTING and I still need to get more skiing in...

...So she spent the weekend at a cabin cross-country skiing with some of her best buds.
Quite characteristic.
Oh I adore her.

Her friends are wonderful.

It has been a few days of emotional intensity, needless to say. I have the best friends in the whole world ever. WHOLE world EVER. WHOLE WORLD EVER. My friends are. The best. In it.

They have prayed prayed prayed. Sat with me when I cried. Done a lot of that, actually. This past year has been such a ridiculous experience of learning the value of freakin' PRESENCE. Sit And Be With People. Just do it. It's so much more helpful than like, anything else. It was me learning to do that with my girls in Bolivia, with my host family- first because it was the only thing I actually had the lingual ability to do, but then because I realized it was way more precious and important than anything else I could pretend to be able to do. And these last couple of months, it has been TEARS OF GRATITUDE for those people who are willing to do that with me. To sit and just be with me, be with my questions and tears and theological freak-out-moments and restructuring as I have come back from this crazy Bolivia thing. And now, they are sitting with me and my family as we start this new journey.

In addition to the sitting...
friends have also paused an all-HNGR group meeting to pray for my mom and our family, scooped me out to dinner, ignored my ignoring of their phone calls to show up and cuddle with me, rolled their eyes at my insistence that I was fine to handle the cafeteria and brought food to my house, rearranged spring break plans to get me home for longer, held my hand, rubbed my back, cried too, not believed me when I said I was okay, shared their own stories, been willing to drop everything to listen and be. Did I mention prayed for my mom?

Oh, and it's also been
Rachael, after giving me a huge hug and asking concerned questions,
sending me this email:
"Do you read My Life is Average ever? Read these...

Today, I got a new orange kitten. I live on the second story of my apartment building, which has a balcony. I felt it appropriate to blast The Lion King music and re-enact the scene where Simba is held up on the cliff. People gathered, watched, and then applauded. It was epic. MLIA...
Today I was listening to the radio, and they were asking little kids what they wanted for Christmas. All the answers were expected until one little girl. When she was asked, she said she wanted a little brother named french fries. Me too little girl, me too. MLIA

I love you babe,
Rach"

In my opinion, possibly the best response to finding out your friend's mom has cancer... ever.

...I like my parents all the time, but right now I am overwhelmed with gratitude as I think about how much I would never want anyone else.

...And how blessed all of us are with the support and love by which we are surrounded.

...And... not much more to say at the moment.

Thanks for loving us.

(Um, on a separate note, I've been really wanting to do a post about how great the music I've been listening to this semester is. Check it- current playlist contains: Owl City (Fireflies and Hot Air Balloon), Taylor Swift (All, but especially White Horse, Tim McGraw, Stay Beautiful... Taylor Swift really just makes EVERYTHING better, for the record), Deb Talan (All, but especially Big Strong Girl, Kinder Columbus, Thanksgiving, Tenderness, How Will He Find Me, The Gladdest Thing), Joshua Radin (All, but especially No Envy No Fear, Paperweight, These Photographs, What If You, Winter, Today... ok... really, just all), Train (Hey Soul Sister), and Glee.
I know right- Best. Playlist. Evvv-errr, be jealous. Or just copy me like you know you want to.)

To end: Some more MLIA's I found and loved.

Today I walked into my kitchen where my dad was helping my little brother with his math homework. While I was getting my glass of milk I noticed that my dad was holding a nerf gun and then proceded to watch him shoot my brother with it everytime he got a wrong answer. MLIA

Today, I was outside of Home Depot, when I almost got knocked over by an old man riding by on one of those orange cart things. His grandson ran up to me, apologized for his grandfather's bad behavior, then proceeded to run after his grandfather saying, "Alright Grandpa, if you get us kicked out of one more store, I'm telling Grandma." MLIA

Today, my twin brother tried to convince me that he doesn't exist and that I'm actually schizophrenic. He then refused to open doors because ghosts can't open doors. We're almost 18. MLIA

The other day I was in the car with my dad. The song Single Ladies by Beyonce came on and he started singing along. But he was singing, I'm a single A! I'm a single A! I'm a triple A! I'm a double A! He said he loved the battery song. I didn't even bother to tell him. I love my dad. MLIA

Currently listening to: Glee, "You Can't Always Get What You Want". ...But we get what we need.