.breakfast with breanne.

is anything better than time with dearest friends?

i love this girl so much.
she is so life-giving for me.

Journal.

Grateful this morning to be writing in my new journal.

I love it because it's beautiful.

I love it because it was hand-made by a precious woman in Kenya, supporting herself through the Amani organization.

Most of all, I love it because it was sent to me by my beautiful friend Breanne.

For absolutely no reason, other than that she knows I love "journaling like a crazy woman" (according to the note she wrote in the front).

It arrived in my mailbox in kind of a hard week,

and reminded me how filled with love and joy my life is.

For-no-reason presents rock.

 Precious friendships rock even more.

 

Can't wait to spend time with God in the pages,

reminded of the gifts He's given me.

Reason Fourteen Million and Six I Love Breanne.

Gchat:

me: mrr...
i so feel like God's telling me i need to stop whining and learn to live in ambiguity.

Breanne:  whatevs.
i hate ambiguity.

Way to summarize, love :-)

Quotes.

• "I'm freaking out!!! I don't know where I'm going to be... and SUFJAN'S GOING ON TOUR."
  

-Breanne, on the true difficulties of the post-graduate transitional lifestyle.

• "I prayed for a dream last night and I had one in which you and I were on a sci fi adventure."

-Sarah, via text. Because, obvs.

• "We want that he be smart boy." (thoughtful pause) "And that he not break things."

-the Iraqi father of one of my 2-year-olds at work, in response to my question on what their goals for his time in our program are.

• "(spluttering)...And... and because... because you could CRY OR DIE OR JUST MAKE PIES, EMILY!!!!!!!" (puts head in hands in utter frustration at my lack of understanding)
  

-Steve, in response to my innocent inquiry as to how it's so clear that the narrator's boyfriend actually died in Patty Griffin's classic song. I'd had hopes that maybe he was just at home that day. Apparently the death is supposed to be obvious. Who knew.

• "Sweetie, we need to go shopping. I want you to wear shorter skirts."

-My mother, approximately ten minutes after waking up from a four-hour surgery.

I love my life.

but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.

We received the news on Thursday that my mother has breast cancer.

She is beautiful.

Please be praying for her,
and our family.

Yesterday:
Me: So Mom, how are you feeling?
Mom: Well honey, quite frantic. This snow is MELTING and I still need to get more skiing in...

...So she spent the weekend at a cabin cross-country skiing with some of her best buds.
Quite characteristic.
Oh I adore her.

Her friends are wonderful.

It has been a few days of emotional intensity, needless to say. I have the best friends in the whole world ever. WHOLE world EVER. WHOLE WORLD EVER. My friends are. The best. In it.

They have prayed prayed prayed. Sat with me when I cried. Done a lot of that, actually. This past year has been such a ridiculous experience of learning the value of freakin' PRESENCE. Sit And Be With People. Just do it. It's so much more helpful than like, anything else. It was me learning to do that with my girls in Bolivia, with my host family- first because it was the only thing I actually had the lingual ability to do, but then because I realized it was way more precious and important than anything else I could pretend to be able to do. And these last couple of months, it has been TEARS OF GRATITUDE for those people who are willing to do that with me. To sit and just be with me, be with my questions and tears and theological freak-out-moments and restructuring as I have come back from this crazy Bolivia thing. And now, they are sitting with me and my family as we start this new journey.

In addition to the sitting...
friends have also paused an all-HNGR group meeting to pray for my mom and our family, scooped me out to dinner, ignored my ignoring of their phone calls to show up and cuddle with me, rolled their eyes at my insistence that I was fine to handle the cafeteria and brought food to my house, rearranged spring break plans to get me home for longer, held my hand, rubbed my back, cried too, not believed me when I said I was okay, shared their own stories, been willing to drop everything to listen and be. Did I mention prayed for my mom?

Oh, and it's also been
Rachael, after giving me a huge hug and asking concerned questions,
sending me this email:
"Do you read My Life is Average ever? Read these...

Today, I got a new orange kitten. I live on the second story of my apartment building, which has a balcony. I felt it appropriate to blast The Lion King music and re-enact the scene where Simba is held up on the cliff. People gathered, watched, and then applauded. It was epic. MLIA...
Today I was listening to the radio, and they were asking little kids what they wanted for Christmas. All the answers were expected until one little girl. When she was asked, she said she wanted a little brother named french fries. Me too little girl, me too. MLIA

I love you babe,
Rach"

In my opinion, possibly the best response to finding out your friend's mom has cancer... ever.

...I like my parents all the time, but right now I am overwhelmed with gratitude as I think about how much I would never want anyone else.

...And how blessed all of us are with the support and love by which we are surrounded.

...And... not much more to say at the moment.

Thanks for loving us.

(Um, on a separate note, I've been really wanting to do a post about how great the music I've been listening to this semester is. Check it- current playlist contains: Owl City (Fireflies and Hot Air Balloon), Taylor Swift (All, but especially White Horse, Tim McGraw, Stay Beautiful... Taylor Swift really just makes EVERYTHING better, for the record), Deb Talan (All, but especially Big Strong Girl, Kinder Columbus, Thanksgiving, Tenderness, How Will He Find Me, The Gladdest Thing), Joshua Radin (All, but especially No Envy No Fear, Paperweight, These Photographs, What If You, Winter, Today... ok... really, just all), Train (Hey Soul Sister), and Glee.
I know right- Best. Playlist. Evvv-errr, be jealous. Or just copy me like you know you want to.)

To end: Some more MLIA's I found and loved.

Today I walked into my kitchen where my dad was helping my little brother with his math homework. While I was getting my glass of milk I noticed that my dad was holding a nerf gun and then proceded to watch him shoot my brother with it everytime he got a wrong answer. MLIA

Today, I was outside of Home Depot, when I almost got knocked over by an old man riding by on one of those orange cart things. His grandson ran up to me, apologized for his grandfather's bad behavior, then proceeded to run after his grandfather saying, "Alright Grandpa, if you get us kicked out of one more store, I'm telling Grandma." MLIA

Today, my twin brother tried to convince me that he doesn't exist and that I'm actually schizophrenic. He then refused to open doors because ghosts can't open doors. We're almost 18. MLIA

The other day I was in the car with my dad. The song Single Ladies by Beyonce came on and he started singing along. But he was singing, I'm a single A! I'm a single A! I'm a triple A! I'm a double A! He said he loved the battery song. I didn't even bother to tell him. I love my dad. MLIA

Currently listening to: Glee, "You Can't Always Get What You Want". ...But we get what we need.

No newness yet

A prayer of Walter Brueggemann

You are the God who makes all things new.

We gladly raise our voices and move our lips
to acknowledge, celebrate, and proclaim
your staggering newness.

As we do so, we hold in our hearts
deep awareness of all the places where your newness
is not visible, and
has not yet come.

Our hearts link to many places of wretchedness
short of your newness.

We picture folks at home,
sick, in pain, disabled, paralyzed
(we name Frank),
and no newness yet.

We know up close the deep wretchedness
of poverty, of homelessness, of hunger
and no newness yet.

Move our hearts closer to the passion of our lips.

Move our lips closer to your own newness.

Work your newness in hidden, cunning ways among us.

Move us closer to your bodied newness in Jesus,
newness of strength come in weakness,
newness of wisdom come in foolishness.

Draw us from the wretchedness we know
to his scarred, bloody wretchedness
that is your odd entry of newness into our life.

We pray in the name of his suffering newness.

Amen.

Hat tip: Beautiful Bree, Current HNGR Intern in Rwanda

Ingrid.

So, I just wanted to say a great big thank you to those of you who have extended your gentle and
accepting support to my exploration of harder emotions on this HNGR journey. And by "gentle and accepting support", I really mean, "sharing your completely uncensored glee at the prospect of Emily Goldberg being even a tiny bit angsty" (you know who you are, SARAH AND BREANNE).

Seriously, it is good for me to try to write about the harder things I am seeing and feeling and experiencing. It helps me process it and I like trying to share stuff.

But at the moment?
I am SO UNBELIEVABLY SICK of writing about HNGR angst.

So, instead, today I'm going to write about Ingrid Michaelson.

I love her. Really. If we met on the street, I promise we would be best friends within an hour because she is adorable and I would win her over to Emily's Land of Pursuing Friendships With Adorable People.

I've listened to her fairly incessantly on HNGR. I love her unique voice and that of her back-up singer, I love her quirky lyrics, I love her melodies that are both beautiful and fun. "The Way I Am" helps me wake up, "Sky" makes me dance, "The Chain" makes me WEEP, "Keep Breathing" is beautiful, and I'm going to dance to "Giving Up" at my wedding. I'm totally serious. Can YOU think of a more romantic song than pledging to always stay together, even if I "never let you win/and chase you with a rolling pin"? I know right. That is commitment. Heck yes.

And you know, she helps cheer me up when I just wanna be okay, be okay, be okay, I just wanna be okay today, and she helps me experience Bolivia on a deeper level when I just wanna feel today, feel today, feel today, I just wanna feel something today.

She really helps me orient my heart towards service, too. I mean, after listenin' to some Ingrid, I feel SO motivated to give you my sweater if you are chilly, or buy you Rogaine if you are losing all your hair.

And she helps me affirm my love for my parents. Mom and Dad, get excited. If I get rich someday, I'm TOTALLY gonna buy you a home in the South of France.

If you're reading this and feeling a bit confused, or even a little bit bruised, don't you worry there my honey. I'll soothe your worried looks... by telling you that YOU JUST NEED MORE INGRID IN YOUR LIFE!!!

Which I have made quite easy for you because two of her songs are on the playlist at the bottom of my blog.

I also am extending this post as a gift to all current and future HNGR interns, to help with their self-esteem. In those moments where you are lying sweating under your mosquito net, thinking how you are just a TERRIBLE HNGR intern because you are NOT grateful for your mosquito net but in fact find it claustrophobic, and you are SICK of trying to learn the local language, and unlike some earthy spiritual annoying intern in this week's newsletter who wrote a beautiful dissertation on how much she discerned the Holy Spirit in the tribal drums this week, YOU spent your whole indigenous church service thinking how much you wanted to sing Chris Tomlin...

You can remember how I not only (gasp) listened to AMERICAN MUSIC while on my HNGR internship (on my IPOD, no less), and not only (gasp) UPDATED MY BLOG regularly, but also (unbelievable), UPDATED THE AMERICAN MUSIC ON MY BLOG.

And then you can think to yourself, "Well, I may suck as a HNGR intern, but at least I'm not Emily Goldberg. How did she even get IN??!!".

I promise that when I glide away from Bolivia on soapy heels, I'll come home with nice sweaters and teach you all how to dance.

*happy sigh* It feels nice to not be angsty. Deeper entries to come later this week.

Thanks for taking me the way I am, y'all.