Grateful today:

hot tea and candlelight.

a supportive team.

living near cousins.

a night building bookshelves.

this song.

this one comes tomorrow.

.grateful down to the marrow of my bones.

i spent all morning at a clinic for farm workers

where i will be working one day a week

through this spring and summer.

hearing fast spanish flowing

makes my heart happier than i can say.

sitting in windowless exam rooms

and twenty-minute appointment slots,

all of a sudden

i couldn't breathe for gratitude

at where He has sent me...

for bolivia,

where i learned this language,

where i got this fire in my bones,

where i met the girls whose faces propel me.

for my year with head start,

where i fell in love with this population

and learned how i can serve and know Him in others,

right here.

for grad school,

where i am so privileged

to be learning,

which lets me get to do this work.

yes,

yes,

yes,

yes,

yes.

thank you for every single one.

for the homesickness

and the nightmares

and the faith crisis,

for the times in that wheaton year

that were long and lonely,

for the exhaustion

and frustrations

and my misfit in this academia world,

yes,

all worth it,

i would take them all again,

to be here, now, with them;

for all the places i can't believe i've gotten to be,

i thank you.

.even before i fully recognize my guest.

I had the kind of day where you just know you're where you're supposed to be,

doing what you're supposed to be doing,

and you can actually see that hey, ok God, maybe You actually are weaving things on purpose.

it was some much-needed and prayed for confirmation,

and balm to my so-often-worrying soul.

*******

lest this post suggest something exciting or important happened today,

that's exactly the point:

it didn't.

i went to the church i love

and hugged people i love

and distractedly, but sincerely, worshipped the God i really do love.

i had a couple meaningful phone conversations,

short and nothing terribly exciting,

but checking in and hearing the voices of people i love and miss.

two sisters from church, ages 9 and 14, texted me that they were walking in my neighborhood and asked if they could stop by.

i said of course.

they came, bringing joy and energy and stories of their walk (and a dog).

i said i would love if they stayed if they didn't mind if i did my homework.

their dad brought their homework (and picked up the dog),

and we sat in my cozy living room

and i helped the older one with her algebra

and started scoring an iq assessment.

the younger one ran around excitedly lighting every candle in my house (there are about twenty-five or so, scattered on windowsills and in mason jars throughout).

we finished homework and baked applesauce bread.

their mom picked them up.

and now i am curled up on my couch alone,

doing more homework,

to serve the God i love

by developing the passion He gave me.

my little house smells like french vanilla and applesauce and pumpkin spice,

thanks to the bread and the candles,
which are still flickering around me.

what did i do today?

nothing much.

i didn't plan anything exciting for the girls:

i shared my space, paid them attention, and created a memory with them.

i didn't counsel anyone back from trauma:

i practiced scoring assessments.

i didn't change my friends' worlds:

i celebrated and mourned with them our small joys and burdens,
i connected with two other lives,

hopefully encouraged,

definitely was encouraged.

i didn't crazily glorify God,

but i walked with Him

and tried to let Him use me.

feeling very ordinary

and that my life is small

but so sweet.

*******

i can cognitively know that my small life

matters to Him

and that it's okay that it is small,

but i've been asking Him anyway-

is it really?

the unfolding of these events

some details to the various conversations

and maybe most of all the sense of peace

are sweet reminder.

we are all called differently,

different places,

different actions,

different people to love.

small and unhelpful as my offerings may seem to me sometimes,

i think He might actually have planned them.

me in right now

might actually be on purpose.

Gettin' my research on, Bolivia-style.

Godson on hip, and you can’t see it but the sweet girl answering the questions is doing so while nursing her two-month-old.

And this one time we flew to Bolivia.

Oh yeah so btw I'm in Bolivia. Did I mention?

It's sort of a long story. Basically, I got a grant from my school (I LOVE YOU FOX!!) to come down here to do a research project! (...and I am really, really excited about the research project, but yes, my first thought when I heard about the grant being available was "OMG FREE TRIP TO SEE EVERYONE!!!").

I'm looking at the factors affecting the girls' resilience: why can some girls thrive after our program, even after living through horrible traumas, and some we can't seem to reach no matter what we do??

A wise and lovely friend posted some about it here, along with her thoughts as a parent of children with early trauma backgrounds, on the importance of understanding resilience.

The hopes are that understanding what factors enable some girls to overcome their backgrounds, can help us to better reach all of them... please, Jesus.

And TIM AND ASH are going with me!!!!!!!!!!!

Tim grew up in Coch, they both speak Spanish and love Latin America, and we've always talked about how great it would be to all go down together. A casual text: "Wouldn't it be cool if we went to Bolivia together someday and you could take pictures of my girls?", "OMG yes, when?", "Well actually I'm applying for this grant...", crazy amount of details falling together, and... three plane tickets were purchased.

(More info here).

They will be photographing the girls and the staff, to tell and give dignity to their stories, to show the work Mosoj Yan does day in and day out to love on these precious children of God, and to also provide them with the pictures as means of raising awareness and funds.

So, yup. We met up in Miami, flew to La Paz, spent a crazy day there renewing passports after a stolen backpack (sad :-(), stayed one night in a hotel, and are now in the airport about to fly to Coch. Where the Mosoj Yan staff are picking us up from the airport.

I'M ABOUT TO SEE THE STAFF AND GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I'm with two of my favorite people.

And the air smells like Bolivia.

And I get to steward psychology and my opportunities to bless people that are so important to me.

This girl is thankful.

(Sleep deprived. But thankful.)

We are so appreciative of prayers- pray our projects will bless these girls and staff. Pray for safety and health. Pray all of us will know Him better.

We're keeping a tumblr here, which will exhibit much more frequent updates and also Ash's amazing photography.

xoxoxo

em

On the plane!

 

One of my all-time fave photos. At their wedding in 2010.

"Practice resurrection."

-Wendell Berry

Oh snap.

Who just finished her first year of grad school.

 At our program banquet in Portland last weekend;

our clinical skills group with our amazing mentor at our goodbye party on Wedneday.

Pressing Send on the last emailed assignment and closing Word tonight felt amazing.

Now off to WHEATON for eight whole days!!!!

Hey Friday Night.

Josh Garrels' free album is fantastic, and perfect studying company.

My large pumpkin latte was a treat from Esther for watching her children on the spur of the moment last week.

When my brain decides it's done with neuroscience tonight,

I'm going to break in my new sewing machine (!!).

So content right now.

Happy weekend, sweet friends.

A day.

As this day unfolded, just a few hours into it, I realized how perfectly normal it was. I wanted to record it in its ordinary joys, these simple moments which make my life so full.

As it ended, it had become more significant, more notable. But in so many ways still so normal, and making me want to write up the normalcy even more:

so much pain, sorrow, joy, love, prayer, connection, is woven together in this life of ours.

7 am and I am out the door to the "living room" of Newberg. Grab a table in the back, wave hello to some regulars, I sip my coffee and push through to the end: 1,500 words, APA style, correctly cite all sources. I drive to campus, slip it in the prof's mailbox by 9:15, chat with the receptionist.

Back to Chapters and it is packed with full-on morning energy. I fold myself into a corner of the couch, session notes out, but first I see a family from church. This mom is hip, friendly, and can frequently be found homeschooling her three children at the coffee shop in the mornings. (Yes. This is everything I desire for my future.) I kneel down to say hello to her two-year-old, who primly turns and drops herself in my lap without a word, then reaches to play with my cell phone. I look at her mom. "I have a cold...". "Perfect. She does too." Wonderful, then we can snuggle with no harm done.

Before I start my homework, her 7-year-old brother shows off the new card game he just got. Highest numbers win, but you have to know your math facts to figure out which are highest. We play a hand. He beats me by a mile.

Two hours. Session notes mostly done. Book for dissertation ordered. A couple fun emails sent (sorry, session notes). Sipping my second mug.

My friend comes to meet me; we pray together every other week. She is in my cohort in the program but several years older than me, quiet, thoughtful, quick with encouragement, described by one professor as "a deep well". I of course adore her and wanted to make her be my friend. I asked her a few months ago if she would be my prayer partner and it's been deeper and more of an encouragement to my heart than I ever expected. We lay out our hearts. Hers is beautiful, and growing. I surprise myself by going into old familiar pains I don't want to still be dealing with. She hears them; and I know that it was good that I shared them with her. We pray. He hears us.

TA group meeting on campus. We snack as we discuss conceptualizing the relationship between client and therapist. We also plan the run we're signing up for as a group, in June: 6 miles, uphill. It's called "Hellacious". Wonderful. It will be bonding. We'll remind ourselves of that three miles in.

Long-distance phone conversation that's supposed to be on my dissertation, and turns into not only precious information and so much wisdom, but laughter, and the promise of a budding friendship that makes me feel so lucky.

A quick half-hour with another friend; I get to be the listener this time. I learn things I hadn't known. I am proud of her.

Back to the coffee shop, back to online; my sister calls as I am buying plane tickets. Purchase confirmed. I love my sister's voice so much.

I am packing up my stuff to walk down the street to church for the Maundy Thursday service; I get the text I knew was coming.

The day looks different now.

I take a deep breath, I text back. I make a phone call for her as requested. Pain and love are shared on that line, too.

Water is poured over my skin: "The love of Christ bless you, Emily." I sit with Heidi and we sing: "Did e'er such love and sorrow meet, and thorns compose so rich a crown?". I think about this coming weekend. Death. Darkness. Yes, in this world, yes. Such pain, someone I love is feeling now. Sunday is coming, He is risen indeed; what will that feel like for their family this week? Sunday is coming: hope. This world has pain, and we are called to be open to that; this world is not the end. "Such love and sorrow meet" feels so relevant right now.


"...Love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all."

I take Communion.

I know the people who hand it to me, and they know me. I had dinner at their house on Tuesday. We've prayed over each other's burdens and joys. I smile into their familiar eyes as I break off the bread, as I dip it.

"You may leave when you are ready, in worshipful silence."

Now I am in bed. Rain is hitting hard against the roof, the windows. I am praying.

My mattress just fell off my bedframe- this happens weekly or so- and my sweet roommate climbs out of her bed to help me lift it back up. We laugh as we struggle, and decide to call some cohort boys to come over and fix it for us tomorrow.

A day.

grateful quick.

Filled up and smiling tonight.

Grateful for

-the growing amount and depth of my girlfriendships here. long talks. on a walk, a run, laying on my bed, out for coffee.

-lots and lots and lots of laughter in my life (see above).

-sunshine and coming spring and more light and more green and brand new running shoes (oh they're so beautiful!!) promising a more moving body soon.

-a rearranged bedroom with more space.

-current sermon series on Mark.

-patient friends who love me over text and gchat when i'm overreacting.

-picking girls up from the high school youth group and making an attempted ice cream run, which turned into making our own root beer floats in the parking lot?!

-women from church investing in me. so grateful for their friendship, their wisdom, inclusion in their families, the lots and lots and lots of laughter there too.

-spring and summer visits solidifying. plane tickets bought, coming and going. christine + heather: 2 weeks (TWO WEEKS!!!). dad + julie + the kids: 3 weeks. josh + steve + mere: june. ME TO WHEATON (this is new!): may. COLLEGE FRIENDS CAMPING TRIP: july. how did all this happen?! i'm still pinching myself. and there's even MORE, but I'll save it for a separate post. but just those- did you see it?! christine + heath. dad + fam. josh + steve + mere. me to wheaton. college friends camping. what how?!! soooo happy.


Kid quote of the week:

"Why do you have a backpack?"
"Because I gotta do my homework."
"You have homework?"
"Mmhmm. I get to study about how people work. Isn't that cool?"
"I already know how people work!"
"You do?"
"Yup. They have to love God. And they have to love everybody."
"Wow!! You're right! You know a lot!"
"I know! And I didn't even read a book!"

.prayer chapel windows.

  

 

Newberg.

3:20 PM me: i just chatted for like an hour with a woman from church  

  (i'm at chapters)

  (my coffee shop)

  who i hadn't met before

  but i babysat for her best friend's kids this week

  and her other best friend and HER kids came to my valentine's party last weekend

  and she mentors a girl i'm having coffee with tomorrow

  annnnd

  that's my lifeit's like...

3:21 PM Steve: Emily Heaven

*****

Welcome to Newberg.

Need I say more?

*****

"Oh, Emily. The kids sent valentines in with me to give to you!"

*****

I see a friend from church walking down the hallway of my building, where he teaches as an adjunct professor. We high-five and he tells me about his skiing trip. I saw his wife and daughter doing their weekly Bible study together yesterday afternoon at the coffee shop. Every other Tuesday night I can be found wrapped in blankets on a corner of their couch for small group. This week it was on Valentine's day and I made a pink cake.

 *****

Her eight-year-old made the earrings I'm wearing. I ran into her in town- "Oh! You're wearing them!! She's going to be so excited!!!". We took a picture to prove it.

 *****

Weekend walk with this lady. She's my faaavorite... so much. Her family is absolutely lovely and hilarious. (Also, she reads this. Hi Nance!! Thanks for being my friend!!)

What, don't you see alpacas on your walks?

*****

This man has taught our church's babies for 30 years.

They like hiding in the cubbies.

*****

Prayer labyrinth in the valley, open to the public. With this view:

It helps me concentrate. And by concentrate I mean not have to think, as I walk with God.

*****

I stop by Chapters for an hour between classes. I run into the leader of the above-mentioned small group, a bearded, kind grandfather of three. "Ah, I was going to email you!", and he pulls out a chair at my table. "I've been thinking about what you said the other day, about what you've been learning about praying for wisdom in making decisions...". He shares some of what he's learned through his years of faith, about how we pray for wisdom, to make the best decisions we can, but "even if it seems the results are bad, God will walk with you, and He will redeem it all." He stands up.
"Well! See you later!".

*****

Co-teaching Sunday school to the kindergartners. Too fun, even on way too little sleep, especially because the main teacher is my weekly coffee date and one of my favorite people. And because five-year-olds have so much personality.

One energetic boy wants to show us how he can count.

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11..." to 20 and we are oh-my so impressed.

He keeps going. And going.

"51, 52, 53, 54..." Wow! And we are helping other kids with the craft...

"86, 87, 88..." "Malachi, I think it's time to stop now," Miss Pam suggests.

"93, 94, 95..." "Really, Malachi, it's time to do your craft, OK?"

"106, 107, 108, 109-" "Malachi!"

He stops.

"Malachi, thank you for stopping."
He gives us a blank stare. "Well, I only know how to count to 109."

Oh.

*****

7 am, view from my bed.

*****

Home from a long day and I knock on my roommate's door. She's sitting up in bed and raises her eyebrows when I peek in with an overwhelmed expression. I collapse next to her. We roll over and pull our knees up to our chests and spill everything Jane-and-Elizabeth style. We affirm we are totally awesome and beautiful and capable of passing grad school, and also that we can always drop out and join the circus if we decide we don't like homework anymore. So grateful to live with this girl.

*****

Around midnight on this night. This picture is 100% candid and un-posed.

But we finished. And we downed pumpkin pie lattes the next day. And we slept ten hours the next three nights in a row.

And even just in the past few weeks, these two girls have suddenly become I-have-to-tell-you-something! friends, not friends-in-Oregon.

*****

Church.
We sing Gungor to a bell choir (seriously).

Taco Bell with one wonderful family after church.

Homework at Chapters all afternoon.

Baking cookies and watching Downton Abbey with another wonderful family all evening (see alpaca walk family, above).
That's my whole day.

*****

"Joy abounds and life is abundant. But the world is also tainted by sin, so joy is marred by struggle and pain... we cling by faith to the belief that God works redemptively in this broken world. God works everywhere, even in pain and silence, and certainly in therapy offices."

-from one of my textbooks, written by one of my professors
(who goes to my church and lives in my town and whose wife has a regular coffee date with one of the wise prayerful women in my small group... did you get that?)

*****

"Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are.
Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart.
Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.
Let me hold you while I may…"

-Mary Jean Iron

You know you're in the right program when the first day of classes feels like Christmas morning.

Oregon life, as told by my phone.

Flipping through the random moments I've captured recently made me smile last night. It is rich, this life of mine.

On a walk alone, with coffee. (This was about a month ago and it's already hard to believe I was in flipflops).

Pumpkins in the window of my favorite coffee shop/bookstore.

Kids playing together in front of church, a few minutes before the service starts.

Screen door in our kitchen, letting in fall air and light.

Cuddly cohort members, on a break during class.

Studying with my sweet roommate.

Friends who show up at the door with ice cream.

Notation on my cousins' calendar.

And catching a parenting moment in the kitchen.

Pumpkin tattoo on the bicep (announced by, "Look at my GUNS!!").

Sunny afternoon, reading and homework.



Current favorite spot for a quiet time.

Breakfast-for-dinner one night at Chels and Ryan's.

Making apple juice after church (no idea, but it was freaking cool.)

Sunset behind pine trees.