I started this blog about a year ago. For most of that time, to my knowledge about 5 people read it, virtually all of whom I either lived with, saw every day, or talked to weekly. They were generally the people I was already processing all the stories and thoughts in here with, anyway. Which might make the concept of a blog redundant, but hey, I like writing and it's fun to give people shout-outs.
Most importantly, I felt happily secure in the fact that everyone who read this blog had long ago made commitments to loving me even when I'm self-centered and overanalytical, rambly, or even (gasp) grammatically incorrect. So while I still maintained my rules about only blogging things I'd already processed in person with God and the people important to me, I was able to write and post when I chose to with minimal self-consciousness, and enjoy the fun of thinking-through-writing in a (very minimally) public forum.
And theennn... I sent this freaking link to virtually everyone I know. Aahhh!! What was I thinking :-)
Quite possibly there are still only five people who read this (judging from the comments I could hardly think otherwise, and yes, you absolutely should all take that as a hint :-)). But technically, a lot of other people COULD be reading it, including my entire extended family and several of my professors. So all of a sudden I find myself feeling self-conscious about what I'm posting, rereading and editing everything 8 times, wondering "how I'm coming across", what people are thinking, if they agree, if they don't agree, if I sound as narcissistic and shallow as I think I do sometimes... Not even to mention the whole I-love-Jesus-but-not-everyone-who-reads-this-does thing! Not that that's ever stopped me from talking about Him, but it is something to think about in terms of word choice here.
I'm committed to trying to keep this as authentic and un-self-conscious as possible, because that's what's fun for me to write. And also because this whole HNGR thing and this whole living-life thing are really so much better shared when they're not insanely censored. I'll never let blogging replace quality conversations with best friends, and there's certain things I just think are unhealthy to be sharing online without the necessary vulnerability and love that comes with intimacy and face-to-face contact. But I do want anyone who wants it to get a real glimpse of a bit of what life here is like, and what's going through my head and my heart- even if it's only a partial glimpse.
However. The problem. Is. That... at 10 weeks in I'm starting to think about harder things, here. Yes... oh no... I think the HNGR angst may be starting a teeny-tiny bit (Crap! I totally thought I was gonna get away without it, too!). Which maybe is the most important stuff to share, in some ways, because part of HNGR is supposed to be that we are changed by the poverty we see and experience and then share those changes and lessons with others.
But I'm not that brave. I'm not even sure I know how to share everything I'm thinking in conversations with my closest friends, so I have no clue how to put into blog posts. Or when it's a good idea to, or when it's not. What would make sense across the ocean, and what's going to sound like angsty over-processing.
This week I actually thought that maybe I should start keeping this blog to pics and funny stories of how much I suck at Spanish, but then I was like, no. I want to at least attempt to write about the harder stuff. Even if it's just tiny bits of it. (Don't worry, you'll still get lots of the Spanish goofs, there are too many not to share...)
So! My whole long-time-to-get-to point is that, while it is hard/impossible for me to ever forget that technically a lot of people COULD be reading this and to not feel self-conscious about that, and what they're all thinking, and what posts I'm going to look back on and wince about... I am going to try to continue to be real, on here. And I humbly ask that all of you would give me grace in my blog-strivings :-).
So. Yes. Those are my thoughts. Thanks for reading, Heather, Laura, Matt, David, and Claire :-).
Most importantly, I felt happily secure in the fact that everyone who read this blog had long ago made commitments to loving me even when I'm self-centered and overanalytical, rambly, or even (gasp) grammatically incorrect. So while I still maintained my rules about only blogging things I'd already processed in person with God and the people important to me, I was able to write and post when I chose to with minimal self-consciousness, and enjoy the fun of thinking-through-writing in a (very minimally) public forum.
And theennn... I sent this freaking link to virtually everyone I know. Aahhh!! What was I thinking :-)
Quite possibly there are still only five people who read this (judging from the comments I could hardly think otherwise, and yes, you absolutely should all take that as a hint :-)). But technically, a lot of other people COULD be reading it, including my entire extended family and several of my professors. So all of a sudden I find myself feeling self-conscious about what I'm posting, rereading and editing everything 8 times, wondering "how I'm coming across", what people are thinking, if they agree, if they don't agree, if I sound as narcissistic and shallow as I think I do sometimes... Not even to mention the whole I-love-Jesus-but-not-everyone-who-reads-this-does thing! Not that that's ever stopped me from talking about Him, but it is something to think about in terms of word choice here.
I'm committed to trying to keep this as authentic and un-self-conscious as possible, because that's what's fun for me to write. And also because this whole HNGR thing and this whole living-life thing are really so much better shared when they're not insanely censored. I'll never let blogging replace quality conversations with best friends, and there's certain things I just think are unhealthy to be sharing online without the necessary vulnerability and love that comes with intimacy and face-to-face contact. But I do want anyone who wants it to get a real glimpse of a bit of what life here is like, and what's going through my head and my heart- even if it's only a partial glimpse.
However. The problem. Is. That... at 10 weeks in I'm starting to think about harder things, here. Yes... oh no... I think the HNGR angst may be starting a teeny-tiny bit (Crap! I totally thought I was gonna get away without it, too!). Which maybe is the most important stuff to share, in some ways, because part of HNGR is supposed to be that we are changed by the poverty we see and experience and then share those changes and lessons with others.
But I'm not that brave. I'm not even sure I know how to share everything I'm thinking in conversations with my closest friends, so I have no clue how to put into blog posts. Or when it's a good idea to, or when it's not. What would make sense across the ocean, and what's going to sound like angsty over-processing.
This week I actually thought that maybe I should start keeping this blog to pics and funny stories of how much I suck at Spanish, but then I was like, no. I want to at least attempt to write about the harder stuff. Even if it's just tiny bits of it. (Don't worry, you'll still get lots of the Spanish goofs, there are too many not to share...)
So! My whole long-time-to-get-to point is that, while it is hard/impossible for me to ever forget that technically a lot of people COULD be reading this and to not feel self-conscious about that, and what they're all thinking, and what posts I'm going to look back on and wince about... I am going to try to continue to be real, on here. And I humbly ask that all of you would give me grace in my blog-strivings :-).
So. Yes. Those are my thoughts. Thanks for reading, Heather, Laura, Matt, David, and Claire :-).
5 comments:
and april! :)
I'm glad you're writing some deep stuff. I really like the first one about the real effects of poverty that you've seen. Can't wait to read more!
Reading.
Loving.
emmm. i know you know that i live on your blog ;p
and i enjoy reading :)
ok, so I'm way late in posting this, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm reading too! :) I love you!!
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