"Lent". (This was supposed to be about praying but it turned out about holidays.)

It's Lent. I've never celebrated Lent before... my church at home didn't really do anything about it (or maybe they did and I just didn't notice) and, not being Catholic, I never really felt like I was supposed to.

However, in the last year or so I've gotten pretty dissatisfied with my celebration of Christian holidays.

I mean, Christmas makes me pretty much the most excited person ever. But it always has made me the most excited person ever, just because it's CHRISTMAS- everyone gets warm and fuzzy and happy and excited.

Religiously... It's pretty amazing to grow up not Christian and then become a Christian and start thinking about the lyrics to songs you've heard a million times and realize that you're BEST FRIENDS WITH THE PERSON THE WHOLE WORLD IS SINGING ABOUT. "Peace on earth, and mercy mild, God and sinners reconciled", "God rest ye merry, gentlemen... remember Christ our Savior was born on Christmas day to save us all from Satan's power when we had gone astray". "O come, let us adore Him, Christ the Lord." ("That's Him! I know Him! I talk to Him!").

So on some level I do get really excited during the Christmas season... but with praying it's always this little guilt thing between me and Jesus, because I'm like, Um, Lord, I feel like I'm supposed to be thanking You for being born and I totally AM excited about that but... not really more than any other time of year? And I always feel like I should be responding more to the FACT of Christmas, instead of just the basic happiness of the season and happiness over being a Christian, but not necessarily the two combining more than they do any other time.

And EASTER? Emotionally, I pretty much experience it like President's Day. It is really, really hard for me to connect with the meaning of that holiday in any way that seems remotely close to doing it justice.

And on the one hand, my thought process on this has been, OK, Emily, you ARE happy and thankful that God sent Jesus to be born (Christmas) and that He died for you and came back to life to forgive all your sins and let you have a relationship with God (Easter). So stop beating yourself up that you don't "feel" a certain way on a specific day because it's not about emotions, it's about truth and worshiping in response to that truth. And it is okay to not be brought to tears at the thought of a baby in a manger on command once a year.

BUT... after Easter last year (during which I did absolutely nothing remotely Easter-ish except go to church, and afterwards did homework alone in my dorm room because it was what made the most sense practically) it occurred to me that this was kind of ridiculous.

Maybe holidays are arbitrary dates on the calendar and Jesus is no more resurrected than He is at any other time of the year, but by having holidays we're given an opportunity to think about it a little bit more than we do the rest of the time. Not out of obligation or guilt, but because it's a chance to do so.

I don't think about what Easter actually means enough during the whole year anyway. So after last year I decided I really wanted to try and be a little more intentional with the whole season.

Thus... Lent. Maybe if I'm "celebrating" for 40 days before Easter, I will be in some way more prepared to understand the significance of that day a tiny bit more. I was going to fast from blogs, but instead I decided to do an hour of "solitude with God" a day. (This might not seem like "fasting", but for me it is very much fasting from depending on friendships, which is another post for another day...).

SO... Lent started on Wednesday and God and I have been having a sweet time hanging out. Of course, though, right away my inner little voice telling me how bad I am at praying started up. On Wednesday as soon as I sat down and opened my journal I started feeling paralyzed... ashamed of how shallow and selfish my prayers were, unsure of what to say or when to not say anything.

But God right away brought my favorite passage ever to mind- Ephesians 1 (shout out Caitlin!); and then later that day I was looking up Romans 8 for another friend and was struck by the directness of the Message version's translation.

All week, as I've sat to pray and be with God, these two passages have been sitting in my mind, reminding me how much God loves me and that He has always loved me; I don't need to be afraid to pray. He already knows I'm screwed up, in flaky ways, and in bigger and scarier ways; and has chosen to know me, love me, have a relationship with me anyway. I have nothing to be afraid of.

"Long before he laid down earth's foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!)... Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone."
Ephesians 1:4-5, 11

"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good."
Romans 8:26-28

Spring Break Book Poll!

I'm going on a road trip for spring break (yay!). I'm super crazily ridiculously excited.

However. I have been informed by certain people (who may or may not have traveled with me and my reading material before) that I am only allowed to bring THREE BOOKS with me. For 9 days. Three books! Seriously?! Come on.

Unfortunately, one of these certain people... owns the car we'll be taking. So. Yeah. I'm pushing for four, but we'll see.

If you've ever gone anywhere with me where I predict I may have time to read, you know I generally need a lot of variety. How am I supposed to know whether I'm going to be in a novel mood (and then do I want cute funny, or deep moving?) or a spiritual mood (and then something new and convicting or familiar and comforting?) or a poetry mood or a classics... you get the idea.

I think I'm going to take Orthodoxy by Chesterton, because I have it and I've been meaning to read it forever. And I think Life of the Beloved, too, even though I've read it, because 1) I'M OBSESSED WITH IT 2) I haven't read it for awhile and need to, 3) I read it on the last road trip and 4) it's the perfect time-to-reflect-with-Jesus-and-people-you-love book.

But that still leaves me with two more options. Suggestions?! A really thick page-turning good read would be great... but you know. Spiritual. Classics. Poetry. Funny. Whatever.

Also, feel free to voice your opinion that giving someone a book limit on their spring break is ridiculous :-D

I think this is a beautiful description of forgiveness

...You are forgiven
I open all my doors
You are forgiven
What a heart is for
I am no martyr, you give me reason
I try harder, and wait for a warmer season
Meanwhile,
you are forgiven

-Deb Talan, Forgiven

I love the distinction she makes- that forgiveness is not something offered "as a martyr", but in fact is a privilege of a loving relationship.

The melody's really beautiful, too.

What My Quiet Times Generally Look Like

Chocolate helps me feel God's love...

Yesss

Today I heard this precious sentence from the mouth of my dear friend Rachael:

"The other night I skipped CareerFest, went to Caribou, and read the Henri Nouwen book you loaned me."

...

This pretty much represents everything I hope to inspire at Wheaton College.

Random

Lately I've been noticing how much I feel a need to be able to define/categorize/explain the people, places, and parts of my life.

And also how much emotional energy I put into doing so...

and that much (if not most) of any stress in my life right now comes from frustration/confusion/anxiety when I don't know what name to put to something.

...I don't really have any conclusions right now. I just think I'm going to keep an eye/prayer on that. And maybe try not doing it so much and see what happens.

There is a story told about a Jewish farmer who, through carelessness, did not get home before sunset one Sabbath and was forced to spend the day in the field, waiting for sunset the next day before being able to return home.

Upon his return home he was met by a rather perturbed rabbi who chided him for his carelessness. Finally the rabbi asked him: "What did you do out there all day in the field? Did you at least pray?"

The farmer answered: "Rabbi, I am not a clever man. I don't know how to pray properly. What I did was simply to recite the alphabet all day and let God form the words for Himself."

When we come to celebrate we bring the alphabet of our lives. If our hearts and minds are full of warmth, love, enthusiasm, song and dance, then these are the letters we bring. If they are full of tiredness, despair, blandness, pain and boredom, then those are our letters. Bring them. Spend them. Celebrate them. It is God's task to make the words!

-Ronald Rolheiser

Messenger

My work is loving the world.
Here the sunflowers, there the hummingbird-
equal seekers of sweetness.
Here the quickening yeast; there the blue plums.
Here the clam deep in the speckled sand.

Are my boots old? Is my coat torn?
Am I no longer young, and still not half-perfect? Let me
keep my mind on what matters,
which is my work,

which is mostly standing still and learning to be
astonished.
The phoebe, the delphinium.
The sheep in the pasture, and the pasture.
Which is mostly rejoicing, since all the ingredients are here,

which is gratitude, to be given a mind and a heart
and these body-clothes,
a mouth with which to give shouts of joy
to the moth and the wren, to the sleepy dug-up clam,
telling them all, over and over, how it is
that we live forever.

-Mary Oliver

I really love that poem. It gives me joy, reminding me how much beauty there is in this world; it gives me conviction as I remember that my work, too, is loving, is standing still and learning to be astonished, is rejoicing, and giving thanks.

That second paragraph kept coming to my mind verbatim this week every time I was worried, or frustrated. Despite my being SO "still not half-perfect" (I LOVE that line)... I want to keep my mind on the multitude of beautiful things that matter.

(A beautiful thing:
Christina.

Her response to this post:

Christina: aww that is really nice

we are nice friends, i think.

Mmm... I think yes.)

...out of my sickness, into Thy health

out of my wanting, into Thy wealth

out of my sin, and into Thyself

Jesus I come, Jesus I come

Jesus, I come to Thee...

Bits

• I spent all weekend studying interesting things by a sunny window in Caribou, enjoying the scent of SPRING (it's been in the 40s and 50s!!!), laughing with friends, and listening to Deb Talan. Pretty freaking perfect.

• This week is Missions in Focus week... so awesome (I wish I'd gotten my act together to join the committee- they're so cool... anyway, I'm pumped for the events). I got a tiny bit emotional-ish in chapel today. I was listening to the speaker talk about how important it is to "go, whether it's across the street or across the sea"... but when he talked about the need for world missions, it suddenly occurred to me that I live with people whose families chose to do that. Numerous people in my life have spent their childhoods all over the world because their parents felt God was calling them to use their gifts overseas, and they followed Him. Pretty cool.

(This emotional moment prompted a text of, "Hey, your parents are missionaries!!" to a few friends. Responses ranged from, "Hey... you're right!" to "Yayuh!" to "I'm not in chapel, what are you talking about?")

• I had my first spasm of grief over HNGR today. A long, good conversation last night left me feeling like I understood myself and my friends a tiny bit better. This morning I was thinking how I was excited about that and the thought occurred to me that I only had three more months to use said understanding... of course, the next thought was HELLO THAT'S RIDICULOUS. Friendship is friendship, six months is six months, I'll be back and loving people is... loving people! With or without a picturable time frame.

That said, though perhaps my phrasing it to myself (I actually literally thought the sentence, "Oh... that was a spasm of grief!!") was just a tad dramatic... up to now has been mostly just excitement- or, if negative feelings, it's been fear over being there or worry over the logistics of coming back. This morning was the first time it hit me in a present, emotional way- I am leaving things. Relationships, people, places, that are important.

• Pandora.com alternates between being really addictive and really annoying. It's an online radio station and a great thing- you just put in artists you like and they play you similar music, whole full songs (free and legal!). However, after you listen to a "station" for a few days you notice they basically play the same 15ish songs over and over. And the "free" part only lasts as long as your self-control (which I'm sure is their point). So it's provoked me to fall in love with and quickly invest in a few new favorites...

• Which are: Joshua Radin (love "Closer" and "Everything'll Be Alright"). Kris Delmhorst ("Broken White Lines"- sooo beautiful). The Wailing Jennys ("Beautiful Dawn"). And Joe Purdy ("I Love the Rain the Most"). Yay for mellow music. Pair them with some Weepies and Matt Nathanson and Emily is a happy, chill musical girl.

• Way more importantly... Phil Rizk, a Wheaton 04 alum who was doing peacemaking work in Egypt was taken into custody yesterday by the Egyptian Secret Services. If you know anything about the Egyptian Secret Services... that's not good news. Please be praying for him and his family.
  

G-Chatting with Christina-in-Spain

Christina: hahaha

yeah, it was a good day

i realized that i need to write more while i'm here

5:41 PM me: aww

please do

i know, writings so great

i never really wrote about last semester

and now its colored by this semester

so i hope i still do

but it made me think how important it is to write

for processing and posterity

Christina: it's so true

i can help you if you need to remember what you were feeling

5:42 PM me: :-)

i love you so much

that might be up there with the hands comment.

5:43 PM Christina: haha you know i wrote that and then i thought, emily will love this

me: LOL

5:44 PM Christina: hahaha ah, to be known

My Guy Friends Are Weirder than Your Guy Friends...

So, you know, we all interact with the events of our loved ones' lives in various ways. With interest, of course, and excitement, prayer, concern...

So the whole going on HNGR thing, you know, it means a lot to me when people are interested in that. And excited, and prayerful. YAY! Thanks!

It also means a lot to me when people are concerned. Really. Seriously. (See conversation with my dad here). Thank you, one and all, for your concern.

The guys, in particular, have been very concerned that I be safe when I go. You know, no walking alone at night, don't act like a tourist, etc. They've been encouraging me to practice self-defense moves and stay away from creepy-looking alleys. OK, cool, thanks guys.

Yeah. So yesterday I had lunch with David and Chet. I got back from getting my food and they were huddled over an iPhone looking at something and wouldn't show me what it was until I made them.

Yeah, it was a Taser. What the heck, I thought, until I noticed something...

It was pink. With "I will not be a victim!" engraved on the side.

Pause. These are not pink-wearing boys. Yep.

OK, seriously?!!

Look, they pointed out, we found you one where you can be safe AND feminine! So isn't that great?! Won't I let them get me one so I can be safe on my Dangerous Third World Trip?!

Um! No!

I think guys maybe show love a little differently than girls do...

HNGR Retreat

We played this game where you had a "HNGR-related word" stuck to your back, and you asked people yes or no questions to figure out what you had.
I thought seeing some of the words used would give a little insight into the vibe of this program...

Yep. Prayer AND malaria. Two very important parts of HNGR!

That says "Globalization", in case you can't make it out.

Mmm.

This is one of my favorite stories from the retreat. This was taped on Ryan's back and he could not figure out what it was. He kept asking questions and was getting nowhere and finally someone hinted, "It doesn't exist!". "What do you mean it doesn't- OH!". And then he got it. Yep. They prepare us well by reminding us of that a lot :-)

And of course...

Yay HNGR :-)

I love me some roommates.

Beautiful girls I live with, these.

<3

HNGR HNGR HNGR...

It's starting to take over a large part of my brain/life/prayers. In a good way, I think.

A few big things happened this week that contributed to that.

1. My placement was CONFIRMED! I am officially going to be spending six months in... Cochabamba, Bolivia. With an organization called Mosoj Yan, which HNGR has been sending interns to (with really positive results) for over a decade. It's hard to even put into words how giddily excited I am about this internship, and how lucky I feel to be going into what sounds like an incredible organization and a really good fit. I'll let the letter I received from the director (translated from the Spanish) speak for itself...

"...Throughout our history as Mosoj Yan, we noticed that the area of psychology is key to the care of our children at risk, especially those who have critical experience of abuse and addiction to certain substances (glue). Therefore, I think Emily could be of great support for the Center for Restoration. This center works everything related to processes of physical and psychological detoxification of adolescent girls. So our interest is that Emily can contribute to the systematization of the type of psychological work that is done in this project.
It will be a pleasure having her with us and we offer her the support of the psychologist that works in our project for the execution of her work. We also feel blessed by the relationship we have and each student has been very respectful and has delivered what it does and is easily integrated into all activities of the team in general."

The website's description of the place where I'll be interning reads: "...The Restoration Center concentrates on the reintegration of girls back into society; whether it be with their families or independently. The girls who stay at the Restoration Center are either seeking shelter from abusive situations (physical, psychological, sexual) or from the streets. The center shelters up to fifteen girls at a time."

I am so, so excited and feel so privileged to get to be a part of the incredible work this organization does.

2. The HNGR Retreat!!! All 25 of the outgoing interns and the HNGR staff went to a camp about an hour away for the weekend and had a blast. We snow-tubed, broom-balled, watched Slumdog Millionare, cuddled like it was our JOB, laughed, talked, bonded, prayed, worshiped, did crazy games and skits... and Discussed. Important Things. A Lot. A Lot A Lot A Lot. We discussed our fears and expectations and gifts and patterns of sin and families and backgrounds. We discussed our dynamics as a group and our dynamics with campus. We brainstormed to form our "covenant": the themes we want to characterize our group and our internships, what we'll promise to each other, to God, and to the campus.

It was such a great weekend- SO fun and I really feel like our group bonded more, in the way that can only happen when you're away with just each other, having a complete blast (and Discussing Intense Things). Plus that knowledge that, "Oh yeah, we're all going to go live in the Global South for half a year." That can help you bond. I love so many of these people (and am excited to get to know the rest), and I truly am pinching myself with how lucky I feel to get to participate in this journey with them.


So that's the official what's-going-on stuff! My feelings are pretty INSANE right now! I am (as I mentioned) just giddily happy about this internship. I was pretty much on cloud 9 for several days after I got that email- they just sound so nice (and I've heard they are from HNGR) and the internship could not sound more perfect. I am so excited academically for the chance to get to see and participate in an opportunity like that and to use psychology for such important purposes- and spiritually... oh, dear, spiritually. I will say... I am excited spiritually for the chance to get to know and love and hopefully enter into the lives of these women. I am excited to learn from them, and this organization, to experience and be a part of their stories and they mine.

That sounds trite... I mean it so sincerely. I just don't even know how to picture or imagine exactly what this is going to be like (which is okay). And to be honest... "The girls who stay at the Restoration Center are either seeking shelter from abusive situations (physical, psychological, sexual) or from the streets." I have been telling people for months, "Oh, it looks like I'll be going to Bolivia! Yes, to work with teenage street girls. Mmhmm, I'm so excited!" All of which is true. But like... abusive situations? Addictions? Living on the street? That is... so hard. In a way I cannot imagine. So I am excited about it. But I also just... know that I don't know those girls, yet. I'm praying for them. I can't wait to meet them. I hope I fall in love with them, and they with me. But how can I even write about it, or what I'm excited about (or scared about)? When words can't do justice now... and probably won't then, either.

So I don't know how to put it into words, or if I should try. And that's okay.

I had a minor freak out this week (yes, this week... although it's only Monday), on the whole what-the-heck-I'm-going-and-my-roommates-are-staying-and-and-AAHH!! front. A lot a lot of journaling and praying and processing on that. I was talking about it with a friend today and felt kind of silly... what felt like a huge tear-worthy deal on Saturday feels more like normal and handleable today. But tomorrow it might be tear-worthy again.


I also had a sweet conversation with Ryan tonight at small group. It was sweet for two reasons. One was that it was entirely in Spanish :-). The other was that I talked about how nervous I am ("Erm, tengo im poco temor...") about my Spanish skills... not as much about embarrassing myself (I'm sure that will happen!), but more just... I am going in order to interact with and help and love on these girls, and I don't even speak their language. A lot of HNGR interns are Spanish majors, and I am seriously crossing my fingers through Conversational. What if the director is disappointed? What if I choke and can't do anything to help or even do my internship right? Ryan was super reassuring about it- he said it's totally normal to feel that way, and that Mosoj Yan has worked with HNGR for years and understands where I'll be at when I come... that the first two-three months will be mostly learning and learning and learning to speak more every day... and that's why they send us for "seis meses y no dos!". Es verdad.

The cool thing was that I'm not sure I would have had that conversation in English. For some reason it was easier to admit my fears in another language... it felt not exactly real. Anyway, it was encouraging and I feel a lot better.


I am still overwhelmed every day with how much I love this program, love what it stands for, love the opportunities it provides (for interns and hosts), LOVE the people. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for my friends and family who are being so incredibly encouraging and supportive. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude to God for letting me participate, for letting me see what He's doing in Bolivia, for letting me get to know Him in a different way. My main feeling right now is just... excitement. (In addition to all those freak out moments :-) I guess they're part of the excitement...? Part of the experience, anyway!).

To close (because this is not long enough?!)... One of the talks we heard was on the meaning of a covenant, and how God has covenanted with us. My mind and journal had been filled that morning with worries. And as I sat and heard that talk, and remembered the story of the curtain tearing, I suddenly remembered what HNGR is about. God. And how He is all, all good- so good. And He very suddenly and completely reminded me that He will meet every need. From scheduling (which was the worry of that particular moment) to compassion to sanity. My job is not to figure out how I'll get where I'll need to be, or how I'll feel what I want to feel. It is to live each day and try to love Him, and ask Him to show me how to love others. For that day (not an entire six month period at once, and not a year from now).

So. On that note. God is good. And I am grateful for this and all opportunities to get to know Him and participate in His work. Can I get an amen? Amen.