However, in the last year or so I've gotten pretty dissatisfied with my celebration of Christian holidays.
I mean, Christmas makes me pretty much the most excited person ever. But it always has made me the most excited person ever, just because it's CHRISTMAS- everyone gets warm and fuzzy and happy and excited.
Religiously... It's pretty amazing to grow up not Christian and then become a Christian and start thinking about the lyrics to songs you've heard a million times and realize that you're BEST FRIENDS WITH THE PERSON THE WHOLE WORLD IS SINGING ABOUT. "Peace on earth, and mercy mild, God and sinners reconciled", "God rest ye merry, gentlemen... remember Christ our Savior was born on Christmas day to save us all from Satan's power when we had gone astray". "O come, let us adore Him, Christ the Lord." ("That's Him! I know Him! I talk to Him!").
So on some level I do get really excited during the Christmas season... but with praying it's always this little guilt thing between me and Jesus, because I'm like, Um, Lord, I feel like I'm supposed to be thanking You for being born and I totally AM excited about that but... not really more than any other time of year? And I always feel like I should be responding more to the FACT of Christmas, instead of just the basic happiness of the season and happiness over being a Christian, but not necessarily the two combining more than they do any other time.
And EASTER? Emotionally, I pretty much experience it like President's Day. It is really, really hard for me to connect with the meaning of that holiday in any way that seems remotely close to doing it justice.
And on the one hand, my thought process on this has been, OK, Emily, you ARE happy and thankful that God sent Jesus to be born (Christmas) and that He died for you and came back to life to forgive all your sins and let you have a relationship with God (Easter). So stop beating yourself up that you don't "feel" a certain way on a specific day because it's not about emotions, it's about truth and worshiping in response to that truth. And it is okay to not be brought to tears at the thought of a baby in a manger on command once a year.
BUT... after Easter last year (during which I did absolutely nothing remotely Easter-ish except go to church, and afterwards did homework alone in my dorm room because it was what made the most sense practically) it occurred to me that this was kind of ridiculous.
Maybe holidays are arbitrary dates on the calendar and Jesus is no more resurrected than He is at any other time of the year, but by having holidays we're given an opportunity to think about it a little bit more than we do the rest of the time. Not out of obligation or guilt, but because it's a chance to do so.
I don't think about what Easter actually means enough during the whole year anyway. So after last year I decided I really wanted to try and be a little more intentional with the whole season.
Thus... Lent. Maybe if I'm "celebrating" for 40 days before Easter, I will be in some way more prepared to understand the significance of that day a tiny bit more. I was going to fast from blogs, but instead I decided to do an hour of "solitude with God" a day. (This might not seem like "fasting", but for me it is very much fasting from depending on friendships, which is another post for another day...).
SO... Lent started on Wednesday and God and I have been having a sweet time hanging out. Of course, though, right away my inner little voice telling me how bad I am at praying started up. On Wednesday as soon as I sat down and opened my journal I started feeling paralyzed... ashamed of how shallow and selfish my prayers were, unsure of what to say or when to not say anything.
But God right away brought my favorite passage ever to mind- Ephesians 1 (shout out Caitlin!); and then later that day I was looking up Romans 8 for another friend and was struck by the directness of the Message version's translation.
All week, as I've sat to pray and be with God, these two passages have been sitting in my mind, reminding me how much God loves me and that He has always loved me; I don't need to be afraid to pray. He already knows I'm screwed up, in flaky ways, and in bigger and scarier ways; and has chosen to know me, love me, have a relationship with me anyway. I have nothing to be afraid of.
"Long before he laid down earth's foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!)... Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone."
Ephesians 1:4-5, 11
"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good."
Romans 8:26-28
Ephesians 1:4-5, 11
"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good."
Romans 8:26-28
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