Thankful.

My high school friends and I have a tradition of writing our thankfulness lists and sharing them with each other every year at Thanksgiving. Here's mine...

My roommates

Understanding them better and better

This year of learning to share myself with people and feeling received (even when messy)

The act of receiving others (even when messy)

The beauty, joy, and freedom of messiness

Realizing that I can't send a Postsecret card in because every secret I have I've shared and been loved through by at least someone

Tea in general, and Bigelow's Vanilla Chai in specific

Walking through campus at night when the chapel bells ring out hymns and Christmas carols

Walking through campus at night… period

This campus. The people walking through it. The lessons learned on it. The laughter and conversation and friendship and trying that pervades it.

Christmas lights

Snow falling, which I NEVER get sick of seeing and which ALWAYS puts me in a good, and thankful mood

Nights when my guy friends come over and do homework and laugh and talk at our kitchen table until 2 AM (while we drink tea, of course)

Those guys in general

Christina getting to come visit and everything about that weekend

SKYPE SKYPE SKYPE

Talking to Claire on Skype

Claire's voice and how cute it gets when she's happy

Talking to Elise on Skype and how she's beautiful and real and even though we've real-talked like twice in six months it's the easiest thing ever

People who it's the easiest thing ever to talk with (near and far)

Vanilla scented candles

The look of candles.

Walking around campus and town and having memories at most places I pass and running into people I know...

...having made a life for myself here, one I love.

Celtic Daily Prayer

Coffee shops. And how I am more productive there than anywhere else.

Comfortable socks. Not even kidding.

My church here, and how everyone loves each other and would do anything for each other

The 3 other Wheaton students who go to my church, and how we all have lunch every week after the service and even though we're really different, have gotten really comfortable with each other

My HNGR small group. I love them. so much.

Texting

How we can't plan what we need to hear/learn; if we live our daily lives and just try and love the people in front of us, God will make those conversations happen when they're supposed to

Realizing for the ten millionth time how much I admire, respect, and love my friends.

Vulnerability (I know I said that-ish already. It's been a theme, what can I say). And the peace and intimacy that comes with it.

Realizing that things that used to be really painful are less so now.

Realizing that I learned and was formed by those experiences and wouldn't have changed them (yikes! weird!)

KNITTING. How its rhythmicness soothes me.

And beautiful yarn.

The fact that my pregnant cousin-in-law is having a GIRL (after 2 boys)

The fact that my sister is growing up and is beautiful and smart and a cool, effective person

Piano music

Being up late having a quiet time at the kitchen table after everyone else in my apartment is asleep

My freshman roommate and how even though we don’t see each other all the time we still know each other so well and get so much comfort and sanity from each other

Having a kitchen. Baking. Cooking. Did I mention tea and people drinking it?

Psalm 119

Psalm 73

Ephesians 1

My mother when she’s being mildly (and hilariously) inappropriate

The fact that my dad (and my mom, come to think of it) seriously thinks I am the most beautiful, wonderful, capable girl in the whole world. And that they affirm that all the time and truly act like I'm the weird one when I point out that mayyybe they're biased.

That I got to live with the Maloys this summer

Matt Maloy and his wisdom

Mary Wolf and how much I want to be like her

Mary Elise Gottschalk’s voicemails

Time alone (WHAT?! Did I actually say that?!)

Inside jokes

Affection. Yup.

Physical touch.

Physical presence.

My high school girls and the beauty and insanity they add to my Thursday nights and life in general.

Good conversations with them and how nice they are to each other.

How much Heather and I make each other laugh.

I'm not sure I will finish this for quite a while. It was a stream of consciousness.

Update...

I saw Sarah's mom tonight and they think she is doing much better :-) Thanks for praying! (Please continue!)

Please pray.

My great friend Sarah, who's been in Cambodia for the last 6 months on her HNGR internship, was diagnosed with dengue hemorrhagic fever this week. She was med-evacced to Singapore and her dad flew out and met her there yesterday.

There's no treatment but time and hydration. She has been improving a bit the last few days, and is sleeping a lot. Please pray for her and her family.

May the Father of heaven have care of her soul.

Your loving arm around her body through each slumber and sleep of her life.

The Son of God be shielding her from harm, the Son of God be shielding her from ill,

the Son of God be shielding her with power.

The Son of God be shielding her this night.

Sleep, O sleep in the calm of each calm. Sleep, O Sleep in the guidance of all guidance.

Sleep, O sleep in the love of all loves.

Sleep, O beloved in the Lord of life. Sleep, O beloved in the God of life.

The peace of all peace be hers this night.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen

Oh, home.

Matt's dad put it all into words better than I could.

I guess I am developing a theme for the week here... but it seems appropriate for the holiday.

I know I'll keep thinking about this, probably for the rest of my life to some degree. As I start thinking more seriously about going into missions, especially, I need to face the fact that I may be leaving places and people that will never be the same when I return.

Matt and I were talking recently about how sometimes God doesn't let you know how hard something will be until you get there. So often looking back I'm like, 'Whoa, if I had known ahead of time that was how it was going to be I would never have done it'. Exactly, but I'm always glad I did; I'm better at picturing the difficulty than I am the grace and joy to be provided. Looking ahead, there's sort of an awareness that things will be hard, but I don't know the specifics. That makes it easier to go ahead and do what I think I'm supposed to do. Then when I get there, the pain does come, but in the context of all the joys of the situation it's not as bad as I would have thought. Or maybe it is as bad; it's just so clearly worth it. But that's the part I couldn't have pictured before; and God knew that, so He didn't show me more than I needed to know.

Honestly, if I had realized how much my relationships with home, with CpR, with various people, would change when I went away to Wheaton, I might not have gone. I'm glad I didn't know, because now I'm glad I'm here.

Anyway, here's some from Todd's post. Read more here.

"I read that you can never step twice into the same river. Ohio changed. I’ve changed. I can't return to that Ohio 'home' expecting it all to be the same...

It adds texture to the idea of being a 'stranger and pilgrim' in this world when you've lived outside of the state where you were born. I mean, if you haven’t moved around, sold, given away or just thrown away your stuff…If you haven’t felt the raw void in your heart of a relationship that will never be the same because of the distance, how can you connect ‘pilgrim’ to anything other than Thanksgiving or John Wayne? (emphasis mine)

Home and pilgrims and all that stuff, it’s not about things, geography or language. I think it comes down to relationships. It’s not the house I grew up in or where I used to hunt quail with Dad. Home is not a house—it’s those few people with whom I’ve shared the deepest parts of my heart and life.

...As deep and sweet and painful (I'm crying right now) as those feelings are, they help me understand that the profound longings and emotions in my heart are not to be stifled, but they point me to Christ." (emphasis mine again)

Yep.

(Thanks for making me cry, too Todd :-))

More on the subject.

"Contentment comes when we discover... that wherever we are,

home for us is wherever God has us.

In fact more than this, home is Christ who unites us to God our Father.

In this home alone can we find contentment, because it is the only home that we will never have to leave."

-Lydia Brownback


Of course God would have me find that the day I wrote the long emo non-posted entry :)

Home.

I've been thinking about that word a lot lately. About how now when I say, "It feels good to be home!" after a weekend away from Wheaton or "Hey babe, will I see you at home?" to a roommate heading back to the apartment, it's not only because that is the easiest way to describe the place where one lays one's head on a regular basis.

And about how as of right now, I'm not sure I will ever live in Maryland for more than a month again (makes me even more grateful for this summer). And that is a strange thing to even begin to think about wrapping my head around.

None of these are bad things. Weird, and bittersweet, but natural and not bad (thanks, Matty). God's been teaching me much about being grateful- for the past. Being joyful- in the present. And being trusting- with the future. (And mixing those all up, quite a bit).

I tried to write a more descriptive blog post about the issue... but it turned into two hours of furious typing, resulting in four front-and-back pages of external processing to the max. Incredibly therapeutic, for sure, but not blog-post-worthy (rambly and personal).

I do hope I'll be able to condense it at some point...

But then...

The other night I sat on my couch knitting in Illinois while Mayr sat in her dorm room in Maryland... and we managed to laugh, cry, and analyze and affirm each other's entire lives in two hours.

And this week I got a voicemail from Christina, walking to a class in Ohio, informing that she'd had a weird dream, and could I please call her back so she could tell me about it because it was just REALLY funny.

And I sat by the fireplace in Saga for an hour and a half last night on the phone with Erika, my freshman RA who's currently living the post-grad life in California, and I swear we might as well have been sitting on the sink in my freshman floor bathroom.

Things will always change.

But it's comforting to remember that no matter how much we change and grow and go our different directions... God provides. And some things only grow sweeter.

Shorter Hair

"I really like it, but what do you mean an accident? Were you playing with scissors?"

-An email from my mother

I only did that once.

And the important part of the story is that my sister's hair did all EVENTUALLY grow back, OK?

:-)

Hey Life, what's up.

Christine, David and I went to Great Clips today for haircuts. Well, in Christine's case apparently "long bangs to the side" equals "short bangs straight across", and in my case "shoulder-length" translated to "slightly below the chin". However, I think we all look gorgeous, and we went out for bagels afterwards, so errand well run... we may venture elsewhere the next time, though.

Parents visited last weekend!! My mom, Laura's mom, Christine's both, Heather's both plus her younger brother, and Matt's grands. We had a blast. This was the first time my mom's been out here when I wasn't packing or unpacking, so I really enjoyed showing her Wheaton in full-force... she came to chapel and Developmental with me, had lunch at Saga, walked around Blanchard at night... the full college experience :-). I LOVE her and we had a great time together- I am so blessed. Fun group activities included going out to dinner with the boys, lunch with Ames, a big suite "extended fam" excursion to a pottery-painting studio (my mother was VERY proud of her mug with palm trees on it...) and having everybody over here for a big brunch on Saturday. SO fun.

Seriously, it was so fun to see how well all of the parents got along and realize how much we do all interact as a big extended family. Repeat the blessed.

Also... is this just MY mom, or do ALL parents worry most of all that their child is COLD?! I realize that I go to school in the Windy City, but I have lived here quite frostbite-free for 2 1/2 years; yet my mother is convinced that she is solely responsible for making sure every inch of my body is as insulated as humanly possible... at all times. Despite my insistences that I was fine, I somehow ended up with a new coat, new boots, a new scarf, and two new sweaters. I'm reminded of how I mentioned to her once freshman year that I had forgotten my purple gloves at home... and received an OVERNIGHT EXPRESS package the next day containing EIGHT brand new pairs of gloves and mittens she had immediately run out to buy from Target.

Not that I'm complaining, mind you :-) It was pretty incredible of her (and my new sweaters are pretty freakin cute. Not to mention the lace-up boots...)

Chet and I took a fun walk tonight, seeing as it was actually not too cold (a positively balmy 35). Highlights included:

C: So I had Bible study tonight.

E: Cool, what'd you talk about?

C: Clothing ourselves with Christ-

E: OMG! JESUS SWEATSHIRT!

C: Yeah! Well... maybe more like white robes. So... I guess like a Jesus hoodie.

And discussing the hymn we sang in Chapel today- "Be Still My Soul". "In every change He faithful will remain" were lyrics I really needed to hear this week (slash month slash life maybe? but really, really this week). We talked about that, and making plans, and how to be proactive with thinking about the future while trusting Him and not overplanning... a much-needed and very helpful conversation; and of course God, in His ridiculous God timing, set me up- I got home and read my Scripture for the day...

Ps 119:25-32; vs 26: "I told You of my plans, and You answered me. Now teach me Your decrees."

Yep. Still thinking on that one. But it seemed quite timely. I can pray about "my plans"; He will reveal His in time; seek first the Kingdom...

Yikes. So much easier said than done. 1 Chron 5:20, yo.

This is getting long, I'm getting sleepy...

Back to psych hwk and vanilla chai :-)

Love from Blogworld, Wheaton, IL.

(ps... dear elise i love you more than my life love em!!!)

Yeah blogging.

I added a music player to my blog!

Because that's exactly what I should be doing when I have four articles on the history of psychology to read and respond to.

If you read this on Bloglines, come visit and check it out!

And let me know if you can think of anything else I should have on there...

"The real problem of the Christian life... comes the very moment you wake up each morning.

All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals.

And your first job each morning consists in shoving them all back; in listening to that other voice, taking that other point of view, letting that larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in."

-C.S. Lewis

Summer.

Saturday's Stanza

Joyful are people of integrity, who follow the instructions of the Lord.

Joyful are those who obey His laws and search for Him with all their hearts...

Oh, that my actions would consistently reflect Your decrees!

Psalm 119:1-2, 5

How I got to marvel at the goodness of life tonight.

Go see the play (or read the book, come to think of it) To Kill A Mockingbird.

With one of your beautiful high school girls doing tech for it, which she loves.

And her beautiful best friend sitting next to you, there to faithfully cheer her on.

When one of your good friends decided on her own to email all the high school theater groups in the area to see if there was any way she could help, just because she loves and believes in the power of the theater.

And she has therefore spent two afternoons a week for months meeting with and loving on these students, talking with them about the Depression and racism;

for the sole purpose of helping them imagine what it would have felt like to be a young girl watching your father risk his reputation and safety in order to do what he knew was right,

helping them understand what it means that they get to enter into and share that story with others.

Marvel at said friend's beauty and passion, and at having seen that belief in the power of sharing stories and truth SO evident in her own life.

And sit in a high school auditorium between people you love,

watching beautiful teenagers doing something they love,

listening to timeless words spoken, that convey the power of human goodness in that way great literature does. 

"Miss Jean Louise, stand up. Your father's passing." 

"It seems that only children weep." 

"Thank you, Arthur. Thank you for my children."

"Atticus, he was real nice..." "Most people are, Scout, when you finally see them."

And maybe choke up a little bit. Because seeing people doing something they love and believe in is a powerful thing. Whether it's tech work, or theater mentoring, or defending a black man in Alabama in the 1930s.

All that made me marvel at the beauty and goodness of life tonight, and my great luck at getting to participate in it.

It's a peaceful night in the apartment and all of a sudden...

An Anonymous Blonde, Alabaman English Major Roommate of Mine: "AAHH!! I am NOT going to read this stupid Post-modern novel! You know what, SCREW Post-modernism! SCREW IT!! I HATE POST-MODERNISM!!!"

(sound of Post-modern novel hitting table with a bang as it is thrown across the kitchen)

(pause)

Her Extremely Empathetic Roommate: "Ooh, can I put that on my blog?"

AABAEMROM: "Sure. The only people who'll read it are the boys and your friends from home, and they all know weird things about me anyway."

(pause)

AABAEMROM: "But tell them I don't mean screw in a sexual way."

Lewis

"Am I, for instance, just sidling back to God because I know that if there's any road to H., it runs through Him?

But then of course I know perfectly well that He can't be used as a road.

If you're approaching Him not as the goal but as a road, not as the end but as a means, you're not really approaching Him at all."

-C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed, emphasis mine

I'm missing this face a lot.

Reading and Loving L'Engle

"When I think of the incredible, incomprehensible sweep of creation above me, I have the strange reaction of feeling fully alive. Rather than feeling lost and unimportant and meaningless, set against galaxies which go beyond the reach of the furthest telescopes, I feel that my life has meaning. Perhaps I should feel insignificant, but instead I feel a soaring in my heart that the God who could create all this- and out of nothing- can still count the hairs of my head."

"Creation is just as visible in a grain of sand as in a skyful of stars."

"One small enormous thing: you came to us as one of us

and lived with us and died for us and descended into hell for us

and burst out into life for us-:"

"For men make the cozy and comfy promises; not God."

-The Irrational Season

Happy Sunday, friends.

I love my HNGR small group...

Pumpkin carving time!

Wise and reserved leaders...

Beautiful Joy :-)

The American Gothic couple... (and their pumpkin child?)

It was a freaking awesome night.

How's that Richard Foster prayer go again?

"I am, O God, a jumbled mass of motives."

First reason I love pre-written prayers: They put words to things I'm feeling but don't know how to say.

...Second reason I love them: they put words to things I'm not always feeling.

"...Even so, I will not run from Your presence... thank You for accepting me with all my contradictions. Amen."

Reason #29,873 I Am Proud Mary Elise Gottschalk Is My Bosom Friend:

Halloween Costume of Choice:

iPod ad.

Heck yes.