Hesed Suite, Spring 09

Christine posted some sweet (suite... haha) pics from the end of the year...

We had a picnic at Herrick Lake for Heath's bday!! (Yay, Heath!)




Beautiful birthday girl...

It was a bit chilly for late April, but our suite always knows how to have fun.

This might be my favorite suite pic of the year:

Then, finals week, we went to Cheesecake Factory for a Hesed Suite Girls' Night Out!


Unbeknownst to me, the girls had planned it as a going-away dinner for me before HNGR!

(yup, I'm crying in this pic)

They made me feel so special and we had an awesome time... we reminisced about our many favorite memories together as an apartment, and we also made (written) lists of each roommate's particular quirks to see if we all recognized the same ones (we did). Yeah, we're pretty cheesy... and we like it that way. Come over for dinner and you can help us sing the Doxology for grace. For serious.



My roommates are hott. Let's not lie.

How much do I miss these girls already...

Update! QUIRK QUIZ:

Match the roommate to the quirk...
Does Heath, Christine, Laura, or Em:
A) Start all her laughs with a surprised "Oh!" sound, like "OH-ha-ha-ha!"
B) Frequently have deep conversations in the bathroom (not GOING to the bathroom necessarily- like, brushing teeth or when one person's in the shower)
C) Cover anyone's sins with a "Bless-his-heart" (this one's fairly obvious)
D) Think any and all butt or fart jokes are HILARIOUS

Hmm, how well do you know the Hesed Suite?!

HNGR HNGR thoughts

(For a change and all.)

At the end of the year, HNGR asks everyone to write down one specific prayer request they'd like the group and others to be praying for them over the course of their internship. After a lot of thought and prayer and for a variety of reasons, what I wrote down was that I would "truly desire to know God HIMSELF and to seek His face (Phil 3:10, Hos 6), that He would reveal Himself to me and be my true and living Bread".

(I'm pretty sure anyone who reads this would have gotten my email about that, so sorry for the repetition :-)).

A few days ago I got an email from Kendra, my beautiful small group leader and dear friend, that made me cry (getting to know her and Ryan and spending time in their great home was so one of the best and most unexpected blessings of this year). Among other cool things, it said this:

"...And when life there isn't the sort of thing you want to gulp up because it's painful and burns, I pray that you will find solace, peace, and rejuvenation in a deepened understanding of God."

I thought that was beautiful and as I've kept rereading that email the last few days, I've realized more and more also how maybe God will answer that prayer in a cyclical way. That, as Kendra prayed, I will find peace in a deepened understanding of Him, but then also that the experience of Him being my rejuvenation and hope (and seeing Him being others') when some of what I see or the stories I hear seem too "painful and burning" will teach me things about Him that I wouldn't know otherwise.

On some small level the last couple weeks as I've been a little emo about missing Wheaton people (which I always get emo about at the beginning of a break, but now I'm a special version of "And-I-won't-even-see-them-for-MONTHS-AND-MONTHS-AND-MONNNTHHSSS!!!!!"-emo), I've learned more about God. As I've worried and whined about not seeing or talking to the people I love as easily and comfortably as I'm used to, He's reminded me that He'll still be with me and with them. When I'm fretting about missing people I'm used to bringing me comfort, He's reminded me that HE'll give me the comfort I need. And if I'm getting comfort from that now (in Maryland) I can't even imagine how much it will mean to me three months into my internship when I'm missing everyone so much it hurts.

I can't learn that specific aspect of His character and couldn't experience Him being my true "bread" and sustenance, if I'm not willing to go through the "painful and burning" and lonely parts. I'm glad I don't have to know what they all are today, but I am excited and grateful for the chance to learn them over the next year. (Slash freaked out, but I know there will be grace for one day at a time).

Random + Birthday

I am currently sitting in a lovely Barnes & Noble café working on my online class (the fact that I am updating my blog gives you an idea of how impressively productive I am being!!).

And I had to parallel park to get here, which I did perfectly. It took me more than 5 minutes (of sloowwwlyy backing in and out and turning by two degrees at a time...) and a cold sweat, but I did it! And I didn't hit anything! And I don't even mind that I'm pretty sure the people sitting nearby were laughing at me.

And this Barnes & Noble has officially the best loudspeaker-playlist I've ever heard. I'm completely freaking out with joy. So far I've heard Joshua Radin, Tracy Chapman, Nickel Creek, and the Once soundtrack. Seriously?!


And... this beautiful girl was born 21 years ago yesterday!! (Isn't that a great picture? Props to Dan Lin, HNGR's resident amazing photographer)

I love you Christine Kirschner, my sweet future roommate!

One of the most generous-spirited, compassionate, funny, authentic, passionate people I know.

Thank you for all the love, walks, talks, affirmation, venting, for helping me to laugh at myself but never laughing at me, for always reminding me that my salvation's not dependent on whatever stressful paper we have, for being honest about who you are and what you're learning and having a humble heart, for loving psychology with me, for working to understand the Gospel and people and teaching me so much about both, for inviting me into your home and your family, for wanting friendship to be about sharing real life, for crying more when I got into HNGR than when you did, for letting me make you go on spontaneous coffee dates with me even when you're tired...
for sharing your life and heart with me...
You are amazing and so many people love being your friend.
I can't imagine doing HNGR (or college, or life) without you!
I love you so much. I can't wait to hike Macchu Picchu!

Mayr

"Marilla, do you suppose I shall ever have a bosom friend in Avonlea?"

"A- a what kind of friend?"

"A bosom friend- a really intimate friend, you know, a kindred spirit with whom I can share my inmost soul. I've dreamed of meeting her all my life!"

-Anne of Green Gables

The other week someone asked me casually what "Mary is like".

Describing such a craz- I mean, deep and complex person is obviously somewhat difficult, but after I gave it some thought I felt that if Mary had to be summarized in just a short conversation, at least two main points were necessary...

The first is that she can make anyone and everyone feel comfortable, accepted, loved, and valued.
I was constantly amazed throughout our four years of high school when no matter where I went, if I mentioned Mary, EVERYONE'S face lit up. The scariest-looking guy at a party, a nervous freshman girl at a skit practice, a toddler at our church, popular kids, insecure kids, Christians, Hindus, Buddhists, Muslims... No matter who someone was or what "category" they would appear to fit into in the often-cruel and categorizing world of high school social life, even if they didn't feel accepted anywhere, they could feel adored by Mary and adored her right back.




The second is that she intentionally and proudly ate more bugs than anyone else in her Outward Bound group.


That's my bosom friend!


Anyway, this morning Mary and I had a lovely day together. We picked up hot chocolate at Mad City, briskly (haha) walked around Centennial Lake, ran into my old baby-sitter, looked at prom dresses, got soup and a smoothie, bought some overpriced greeting cards (OK, just I did that), and stopped by the library.

Before the library, however, we went to a lake (a different one- whooaa! I hadn't noticed until just now that it was a two-lake day!) and chilled out with her smoothie and my soup, watching the water. I made her move twice in order to find enough shade, but we finally found the perfect spot... except for these stupid geese kept coming right up to us.

We're talking right up. Like, three feet away. I think they just wanted my soup, but it was still a little disconcerting.
"Mayr, do geese bite?"
"Mm... maybe. Let's make them go away!"
She tried stomping her foot but they just poked at the ground by it. We waved our arms but it didn't really do anything.

So then Mary started barking at them.

As in, like a dog.

Like, "Ruff, ruff, geese, go away! RRRUFF!!!"

Because... how else would you get geese to leave you alone?

I just looked at her. She gave me a big Mary grin...

...and kept drinking her smoothie.


Oh, I love that girl!

Prayers of friends.

Last Friday Elise made Christine and I a special breakfast.

Christine, Elise and me at the HNGR Commissioning Dinner, 4/21/09

It was special for a variety of reasons. I love Elise and Christine, for starters (see above photo for details). I also love eating and it is an acknowledged fact that Elise makes a freakin' sweet batch of scrambled eggs. And it was also the last real time we'd have together before the blonde chick graduates and the two of us vamos al América del Sur.


I've loved Elise since the first semester of freshman year, starting with the big friendship crush I had on the cool girl who worked at the front desk and went to Amy's church and everyone I knew adored. She came over for hot chocolate and we sat on my bed and bonded. I've loved Christine since the second semester of sophomore year (which freaks me out I've only known her that long), but we were fated to be friends and one night last spring after our second meeting she spontaneously dropped by for tea... and stayed three hours. We bonded too.


Few things could just make any day better than one of those girls. I've learned from them daily about honesty, about friendship, about wanting to see God in hard-to-see-Him places.


Elise returned in December from a six-month HNGR internship in Kolkatta, India. Christine and I leave in less than a month for our six-month HNGR internships in Peru and Bolivia.
We talked about that. We talked about the last year, and the last few months, and the coming summer, and our friends and our families and our God- as well as the Twilight series, language learning, and poetry that MUST be brought on one's internship (Rilke, appparently). We laughed and chatted and sat on her bedroom floor eating and talking for three hours. Because it's what we do.


And THEN, when I thought I was going to make it without crying, Elise is all, "So I hope you guys don't think this is too voodoo but..." and pulls out pieces of paper with our names on them and two small, perfect crystals. She tells us that she got them in Tibet when she was on her internship, and that she wanted to send something with us on HNGR, but wasn't sure what to send. Space is limited, books are heavy... and she said what she really wanted to send with us was her prayers.

"So I held these, and I prayed into them for you."

Um, forget voodoo, try beautiful.

This is what was written on my paper:

"May the blessing of light be on you- light without and light within. May the blessed sunlight shine on you like a great and warming fire, so that stranger and friend may warm themselves at it. And may light shine out of your two eyes, like a candle set in the windows of a house, bidding the wanderer come in out of the storm.

And may the blessing of rain be upon you, may it beat upon the spirit of you and wash it fair and clean, and leave there a shining pool where the blue of Heaven shines, and sometimes a star.

And may the blessing of the earth be upon you, soft under your feet as you pass along the roads, soft under you as you lie out on it, tired at the end of day.

And now may the Lord bless you, and bless you kindly.

I LOVE YOU! And I'm praying this for you."


We talk a LOT in HNGR (slash in life) about how much it will mean to know people are praying for us when we're on our internships (slash living our lives).


But it still overwhelms me sometimes... just how blessed I am.

Christine Elizabeth

My BEAUTIFUL ROOMMATE Christine created a blog some time ago but hadn't gotten a chance to write in it yet.

However, tonight with the loving assistance of Heather and I she wrote her very first post, dictated to and typed up by me.

And it turned into a really cute reflection on our last two-three years of living together (we've lived together technically for two years but freshman year I basically lived in their suite, as in, I had my own toothbrush in the bathroom- we all think that's really cute.)

So... go read it. And leave her comments so she'll KEEP BLOGGING!!! Wahoo!!

(She says she'll blog just for me to read while I'm gone on HNGR. Yeaahhhh!).

(She says, "We can sort of have 'blogging Advent time'! For more on what ADVENT TIME is, go read the post :-)).

I love this girl.

Our standard, and our surprises.

Last night I told Matt that I've felt frustrated/discouraged with my Bible time lately. I had just spent time with a beautiful friend who is drawing so much strength from the book of Isaiah right now. As she read parts of it out loud to me and explained with such passion and love in her voice how God had been using it to comfort her in a difficult time, I was inspired by her gratitude and humility, thankful to be her friend... and freakin' jealous.

I've been reading pretty consistently, but I haven't "felt" super connected or excited or insightful or anything. I haven't "felt" able to concentrate on one book or plan for more than a few days. It just hasn't been... like... you know. When you're all OMG THIS IS WHAT THE BIBLE'S TELLING ME RIGHT NOW AND WHY GOD'S SO AWESOME. It's just been, oh, cool, the Bible. And then I feel frustrated and discouraged, and like, what the heck is wrong with me, I should be GETTING IT and EXCITED ABOUT IT. And instead it's just been generally encouraging and I-like-Jesus but not felt (ooh, there's that word again) particularly noteworthy or spiritual.

Matt was all wise and reminded me that sometimes we feel a certain way when we read the Bible and sometimes we don't, and there's a time for both. And then I got home and this was the reading for the day in My Utmost for His Highest:

"...What God wants us to do is to 'walk by faith'... We will have to get up on our own, without any inspiration and without any sudden touch from God. Then comes our surprise and we find ourselves exclaiming, 'Why, He was there all the time, and I never knew it!' Never live for those exceptional moments- they are surprises... we must never consider our moments of inspiration as the standard way of life- our work is our standard."

So perfect. And convicting. Hm, coincidence? Or... not.

God is so good. (I think it's funny that He gave me an "exceptional moment" to teach me not to need exceptional moments, though.)

Photobooth is a great Distraction

Quote of the Day #4

"One kid's hot chocolate, two shots of speed!"

-The Caribou barista announcing that my drink was ready.

After studying for hours, I had requested my standard order be spiked a bit. The immediate response (they get a lot of college students) was, "Sure, we've got some crack in the back, one shot or two?"
I chose appropriately.

And thus, my drink was called out as such to the entire coffee shop.

Yayuh. Love finals week.

Quote of the Day #3

"La-la-la, I'M Emily GOLDberg! And me and the Holy Spirit are just like so totally BFF that He just does my homework for me!!"

-Gabe Richarde, imitating me after Rach told him she was on her way to hang out with me on Monday night.


Me and the Holy Spirit are absolutely just like so totally BFF.

Unfortunately for my finals week, He has yet to agree to do my homework for me.

Quote of the Day, Wednesday

"Your frustration delights me, to be honest!"

-Dr. Ewert, my Economic Growth and Development prof.

Apparently feeling overwhelmed at the task of identifying the foundational macroeconomic problems which contribute to the street child phenomenon in Bolivia and providing several key potential solutions...
means I'm on the right track.

I love our profs and that they want us to learn and grow and be challenged.

(I'll just keep repeating that over and over as I write this paper...)

Quote of the Day

"We are going to learn SO MUCH! Look how much there is to learn."

-beautiful Christine Emilie Kirschner, as we sit stressed over our laptops in the Stupe.

It's true. My education is an amazing gift. I love learning.

I just suck at writing papers. But, I LOVE FREAKING LEARNING. Heck yes.

*takes big deep breath... continues work on Spanish paper...*

Why I Love Talking To Claire

"Did I ever tell you about the painting I love? No? OK, I used to have this Georgia O'Keefe painting on my computer, and tonight I realized I haven't looked at it for awhile so I went and found it and I just love it so much, I've spent the rest of the night just looking at it. It just makes me so happy... I love the color of the sky. It's just so blue. Aahhh!!! It's just like... as soon as I started looking at it, my heart filled up."

Reassurance.

I got two emails this week from my organization in Bolivia about what I'll be doing, logistics, etc. At this point it's our responsibility to be in contact with them, something I have been putting off, because I wasn't sure what I was "supposed" to say. Last night when I got the second one I was like, hmm, I'm not sure how to respond to this, I'm still unclear on some details and should probably double-check them with someone first, I wonder what I should say or what's appropriate, and my Spanish is definitely not good enough, oh well, it's too late to call Ryan so I guess I'll just handle it tomorrow.

And THEN I'm like, ok, why am I really not sending this email. I'm not sending this email because I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll somehow offend these women (What if in Bolivia you're not supposed to say "So excited" three times in an email? Maybe using the same salutation they used to me is disrespectful. I used an online translator for the word eagerly but what if its connotations come out to more like impatient, etc, etc...). And I'm scared because I don't want to use Spanish without having someone check it first.

And then it occurred to me that in like, LESS THAN TWO MONTHS I am going to be LIVING in Bolivia, working with these people, HAVING TO SPEAK SPANISH... ALL THE TIME. Calling up Ryan or Claire or Lauren before every conversation to make sure my verb tense is correct is um, not going to happen.

So I wrote the freaking email. In Spanish. And I sent it to the organization without having HNGR officially approve it 8 times. I know, right?!! How hard core am I. JK...

OK, now that I've written this down it sounds like not that big a deal.

But I am so someone who loves to triple-check things with other people to make sure I am doing the right thing. As in if I have to get dressed and leave the apartment without one of my roommates to tell me I look okay it really stresses me out. (After doing this to Amy M every morning this summer, I asked her if she knew that having me live with them would mean constant reassurance. She said yes immediately :-)).

And I don't just like reassurance about clothes.

I like reassurance that I definitely didn't hurt anyone's feelings...
and that I didn't sound awkward around a boy I like...
and that no, I'm not really a terrible friend for being late/forgetting a Saga date/forgetting a birthday/not having time to hang out...
and that yes, it is okay to put homework before friends/friends before homework/sleep before anything...
and that I will pass these classes and finish these papers...
and that Jesus will still like me if I...

Wow. Typed out, that sounds like a joke, but I remember specific conversations making people reassure me about each of those this week. And probably every week.

I am pretty much reassurance-dependent.

And I'm about to go spend six months where it will be a lot harder to get that. About my Spanish and my cultural acceptability. But maybe also about the scarier, deeper things I really like having people reassure me about. Like that I'm liked, and loved, and that people feel close with me and my friendships are strong. That God is pleased with me and is at work in my life. That I am in fact useful, and helpful, and fun, and "doing good".

I'm sure I will develop relationships close enough where I can get reassurance on some of those things, and I'm sure through email people here will be able to maintain their awesome-reassurer status' to some degree; but not as much as I'm used to, as much as I would like (aka, all the time, about everything).

I think I'm going to learn a lot of Spanish on this trip, and a lot about people, and economic systems contributing to poverty, and about living without the conveniences I'm used to, etc.

But maybe I'm also going to learn a little bit about how to live without constant reassurance that everything I do and everything I am is just great. Maybe I'll learn how to do more hard and scary things (like, you know, sending emails).

Maybe I'll learn more about what it means to find strength in God's view of me, not other people's; and about trusting that goodness and purpose will come out of my life because He redeems imperfect things, not because my best efforts are particularly productive. And about being okay with that.

I think I need to learn those things.

(In the course of writing this blog post, I called Mary and she reassured me that she's SURE my email to Mosoj Yan was probably JUST FINE!)

Santa Biblia

This sweet couple from my church who found out I'm going to Bolivia gave me a Spanish Bible last week (have I mentioned I love my church?).

I'm having a blast trying to read it. I thought it might be a good idea to go over some of my favorite passages in Spanish so that then when I'm on HNGR and feeling overwhelmed and like everything is alien, at least some words will be familiar. I want to get used to hearing from God in Spanish.

The problem, though, is that I'm realizing it's making me feel WAY over-confident in my Spanish skills (read: I don't really have any Spanish skills). Example: Psalm 139. I've had this memorized since, oh, about 10th grade? It's like my favorite ever. I read it every day for a month with Marissa this summer. It's not exactly random words to me.

So here's my thought process as I read:

"Señor, tú me examinas, tú me conoces. Sabes cuándo me siento y cuándo me levanto; aun a la distancia me lees el pensamiento... Oh yeah, I TOTALLY know what this means! Oh man, this is so easy. I am GREAT at Spanish. Let's see, 'At a distance... You read my thoughts'. Oh, CLEARLY. Oh yeah. Me and Spanish, we're totally down."

Right, because the fact that I KNOW THAT PASSAGE IN ENGLISH has NOTHING to do with the fact that I decided to translate "pensamiento" as "thoughts", even though I've never heard it before and if someone just threw it out in, oh, say, conversation (or a quiz!) I wouldn't have a clue.

So yeah, basically reading stuff I'm familiar with in English in Spanish makes me feel way more confident in my abilities than, oh, attempting to speak with someone does. I suppose this could be dangerous, but instead I'm just hoping it will have magical placebo-ish effects and that feeling all "I think I can, I think I can!" will mean I hop off the plane and immediately start chattering away like Salma Hayek. Es posible, no?!

But, even though someone coming up to me on the street and announcing, "I praise You because You knit me together in my mother's womb!" would prooobably not mean much out of context to my woefully-gringa ears at this point...

...the fact is, it is really fun to go over these words that I'm starting to be able to sort of pick out, and let God comfort me through another language... a beautiful one.

Take this passage:

Tu protección me envuelve por completo;
me cubres con la palma de tu mano.
Conocimiento tan maravilloso rebasa mi comprensión;
tan sublime es que no puedo entenderlo.

Your protection envelops me completely; You cover me with the palm of Your hand. This knowledge is too marvelous for my comprehension; it's so wonderful that I can't understand it.

Now that's just beautiful in any language.

Happy Birthday Mary W!!!!!!!!!!

I love you so much, my sweet friend... you have impacted my life more than you know. You have brightened so many of my days, spoken truth into my life, and encouraged me in a million ways. I truly know and love God more because I know you.

You are beautiful and you are going to be SUCH an incredible mother... I am so excited for you and Wolf, and Rex is such a lucky baby :-)

I am just really excited to meet this child...


These are flowers that Mary dropped by my house on her way to work one day this summer (she was sick, I might add). For no reason. Just one of the trillion and five examples of how she is always thinking of others and making their lives more joyful.

Happy 25th Birthday!!!!!!!!!! I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!

Somali Momma

As part of the preparation for HNGR, all of the interns sign up to tutor refugee families through World Relief. All year, my sweet friend Lauren and I have gone over twice a week to the apartment of a Somalian family in our neighborhood to practice English. And by practice English, I really mean spend an hour chasing around and tickling three adorable and VERY energetic little kids (Lauren always gets more actual tutoring done than me...).

HNGR tells us that this experience is what will help us the most for being immersed in another culture. I thought that what they meant was that spending all that time in the home of someone from another culture would be good preparation for being in our host culture, and that's definitely been true. But I think even more getting to know the family and what they've gone through adjusting to an entirely different world has made me realize just how difficult that is. One of my biggest hopes for my time in Bolivia is that the times when I feel lonely, frustrated, misunderstood, and totally out of my element, will really give me a new understanding of how it is for the thousands of people who come to America every year and try to start a new life. Unlike me, they're not living in a new culture for a study abroad or a cool adventure.

Our friends lived in a refugee camp in Kenya for twelve years before they came here. One of the moms (the family consists of two brothers and their wives) birthed three children there, two of whom are still alive. She's two years older than me. Lauren once asked Madina, the other mom (she's 20, like us), what her hopes for the future were. She answered immediately, "To go back to Somalia". They're here seeking a safe place to raise their children, learning the language, working hard, in a culture totally foreign to them (not to mention climate!). And judging from their children (between the two families, there's a 6 year old, 4 year old, almost-3 year old, 10 month old, and newborn), who are some of the most joyful, engaging kids I've ever met, they're doing an incredible job.

Wow, this was supposed to be a funny post! Anyway, today Madina, Lauren and I went to the park with the four oldest kids. We had a blast- I love whenever we do something with them outside of tutoring, because I feel like we get to connect in a different way (for example, today Madina and I talked about boys. It's somewhat concerning to them that I, unlike Lauren and our friend Lucy who's come a few times, am not dating. "Why you no have boyfriend?? Everyone else have boyfriend! You need to get married, have babies!!" Mm, well...)

OK, so we're at the park and I'm pushing Aisha (10 months) on the swing. A couple next to us smiles and tells me she's beautiful, asks how old she is, etc. I smile and chat and agree and coo at their baby, etc, and then the mom asks, "So, she's adopted?". Uh... "No, she's my friend's...", I point to Madina. Ohhh, OK.

Later I whisper, "Madina, they thought she was my baby!" She starts laughing. "But she so black! You white!"

She always carries her wrapped in a sling on her back, and I asked if I could do it on the way home. She shook her head at me, but tied her up on my back. It was way more comfortable than carrying her, my arms were totally free. I loved walking around the park with her but it was kind of disconcerting not being able to see her... I kept trying to make sure she wasn't falling out, and Madina was all, "No, she asleep!". It's true. I pushed the rest of the kids on the swing and talked on my cell phone and she was totally conked out against my spine. Also all the other parents at the park gave us kind of funny looks but smiled. I loved it.

When we got back we thought Arbay, her sister-in-law, would think it was funny to see me dressed like a "Somali momma" so I ran upstairs to show her. I walked in and she and the grandmother both cracked up. "Do we look cool? Do I look like a Somalian mom?", I asked. Arbay shook her head... "Yeah, like a Somalian mom. Very cool!"

More from Peace Like A River...

I just love this book!

"...we're fearful people, the best of us. We see a newborn moth unwrapping itself and announce, Look, children, a miracle! But let an irreversible wound be knit back to seamlessness? We won't even see it, though we look at it every day."

Mmm.

(I love that God makes something beautiful out of our broken and scariest places. Do I notice them?)

Like A Rope Ladder

Sarah gave me Peace Like a River last year. (Isn't that just the best present, a book that meant something to someone you love?). I've been rereading it and remembering why I loved it so much the first time... great plot, beautiful and believable characters- and writing that is breathtaking. I don't normally write in my novels but I underlined all the way through, because his phrasings and use of language is just perfect.

The coffeepot was in the kichen, and the action pretty much stayed there. Swede said no conversation in any room but the kitchen was worth overhearing anyway...

A word I hadn't heard before; it almost gave me the giggles. Ratfink. It's vulgar, I know it. One of those terms that makes it worthwhile having enemies.

I succeeded in worrying about this escalation business for a good day and a half before worry died, as usual, at the hands of routine.

"Thanks so much," she said, and may we all be paid one day with looks such as she gave Dad.

I didn't hear what she said but can see their hands touching- not a passionate clasp but an easy timeless transaction as old as Scripture.

This is one of my favorites- the one that made me want to write this post:

Many a night I woke to the murmur of paper and knew he was up, sitting in the kitchen with frayed King James- oh, but he worked that book; he held to it like a rope ladder.

Isn't that just such a great description? I love writing. Yay for books. Peace Like A River, I totally recommend it (Mom, I think you would like this one).

"Take your needle, my child, and work at your pattern-
it will come out a rose by and by.
Life is like that...
one stitch at a time, taken patiently."

-Oliver Wendell Holmes

Easter Greetings

Traditional version
Person 1: He is risen!
Person 2: He is risen indeed!

(I love that one, btw)

The Mary-and-Emily version
Person 1: HAPPY EASTER!
Person 2: HAPPY EASTER!! I LOVE YOU!
Person 1: Love you too- Oh! He is risen!!!
Person 2: He is risen, oh, YAY, He is risen!!!
Person 1: Yayyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alleluia!

Good Friday, part two

Last night my church held a Good Friday service. Anita, the pastor's wife, brought a big bowl of mud (yes, I'm serious, mud from the backyard mixed in with Worceshire (sp?) sauce and vinegar... I love my church), and during worship we took turns going up quietly, ladling mud into a plastic cup and then dumping it out and throwing the cup away. She explained that the mud was to represent all of our sin, the things we've done wrong, the things about us that are wrong... the things the devil loves to remind us of. She pointed out that Easter means God has forgiven us of those things... He sees us as "mudless" and clean. It sounds kind of cheesy typed out, but I really loved it: I'm a kinesthetic learner, and I also have felt particularly aware of my long list of disappointing qualities lately. So ladling this mud into a cup, I could think of some pretty specific things it represented. And pouring it out was a sweet visual. Thanks be to God.

Then today I read this on the "Stuff Christians Like" blog. If you haven't read this blog, btw, I HIGHLY recommend you go check it out, it's amazing ("Joking about Sex at Weddings", "10 Styles of Hand-Raising During Worship", or my personal favorite, "Confessing Safe Sins"). Normally, it's hilarious with a slight dose of "Hm, maybe we do do that and it is weird or possibly even harmful". But every once in awhile he does a really serious one that is great. This one actually made me choke up a little bit today. In light of the holiday and particularly the visual of that mud getting dumped out, I thought I'd share it... Stuff Christians Like #512: Thinking You're Naked:

"I don't want to brag, but I'm pretty awesome at applying band-aids. And make no mistake, there is an art. Because if you go too quickly and unpeel them the wrong way, they stick to themselves and you end up with a wadded up useless mess instead of the Little Mermaid festooned bandage your daughter so desperately wants to apply to a boo boo that may in fact be 100% fictional.

Half of the injuries I treat at the Acuff house are invisible or simply wounds of sympathy. My oldest daughter will scrape her knee and my 3-year old, realizing the band aid box is open will say, "Yo dad, I'd like to get in on that too. What do you say we put one on, I don't know, my ankle. Yeah, my ankle, let's pretend that's hurt."

But sometimes the cuts are real, like the day my 5-year old got a scrape on her face playing in the front yard. I rushed in the house and returned with a princess bandage. As I bent down to apply it to her forehead, her eyes filled up with tears and she shrunk back from me.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I don't want to wear that band-aid." She replied.

"Why? You have a cut, you need a band-aid." I said.

"I'll look silly." She answered.

Other than her sister and her mom, there was no one else in the yard. None of her friends were over, cars were not streaming passed our house and watching us play, the world was pretty empty at that moment. But for the first time I can remember, she felt shame. She had discovered shame. Somewhere, some how, this little 5 year old had learned to be afraid of looking silly. If I was smarter, if I had been better prepared for the transition from little toddler to little girl, I might have asked her this:

"Who told you that you were silly?"

I didn't though. That question didn't bloom in my head until much later and I didn't understand it until I saw God ask a similar question in Genesis 3:11. To me, this is one of the saddest and most profoundly beautiful verses in the entire Bible. Adam and Eve have fallen. The apple is a core. The snake has spoken. The dream appears crushed. As they hide from God under clothes they've hastily sewn together, He appears and asks them a simple question:

"Who told you that you were naked?"

There is hurt in God's voice as He asks this question, but there is also a deep sadness, the sense of a father holding a daughter that has for the first time ever, wrapped herself in shame.

Who told you that you were not enough?

Who told you that I didn't love you?

Who told you that there was something outside of me you needed?

Who told you that you were ugly?

Who told you that your dream was foolish?

Who told you that you would never have a child?

Who told you that you would never be a father?

Who told you that you weren't a good mother?

Who told you that without a job you aren't worth anything?

Who told you that you'll never know love again?

Who told you that this was all there is?

Who told you that you were naked?

I don't know when you discovered shame. I don’t know when you discovered that there were
people that might think you are silly or dumb or not a good writer or a husband or a friend. I don't know what lies you've been told by other people or maybe even by yourself.

But in response to what you are hearing from everyone else, God is still asking the question, "Who told you that you were naked?"

And He's still asking us that question because we are not.

In Christ we are not worthless.

In Christ we are not hopeless.

In Christ we are not dumb or ugly or forgotten.

In Christ we are not naked.

Isaiah 61:10 it says:
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness.

The world may try to tell you a thousand different things today. You might close this post and hear a million declarations of what you are or who you'll always be, but know this.

As unbelievable as it sounds and as much as I never expected to type this sentence on this blog:

You are not naked."

Good Friday

I love this picture.

Allison Louise

My sister is visiting and it is fabulous.

I love her a lot. I am going to have major separation anxiety tomorrow when she goes back home.

More Dad-on-Facebook Fun

He has a small photo album up, mostly with pictures of me and Allie. Per my request, under one  particularly unfortunate one of me at 14, he's posted: "To: Everyone Who Might Be Viewing This Photo- Please be informed that my daughters no longer look like this. They have grown out of that awkward phase, and now have blossomed into graceful beautiful young women. Sincerely, Their Dad."

John (the best friend) had several impressively long and unfamiliar words in his status and religious views, so I looked them up and posted the definitions on his wall, thanking him for helping me study for the GRE. He's now left me six wall posts with different words-of-the-day. Sweet.

I love my family.

Oh, wow.

My dad now has a facebook.

And so does his best friend, and I just looked at their wall-to-wall, and they've been quoting Beatles lyrics and philosophical statements (with lots of exclamation points) on each other's walls all week. Because what else would a psychiatrist and a neurosurgeon do between patients?

Hands, Lord, Your gift to us,
we stretch them up to You.
Always You hold them.

Keep me close to You, Lord.
Keep me close to You.
I lift my hands to You, Lord,
I lift them up to You.

Some moment happens in your life that you say Yes right up to the roots of your hair, that makes it worth having been born just to have happen.

"Who knows how the awareness of God's love first hits people. Every person has his own tale to tell, including the person who would not believe in God if you paid him. Some moment happens in your life that you say Yes right up to the roots of your hair, that makes it worth having been born just to have happen. Laughing with somebody til the tears run down your cheeks. Waking up to the first snow. Being in bed with somebody you love. Whether you thank God for such a moment or thank your lucky stars, it is a moment that is trying to open up your whole life..."

-Frederick Buechner

Works for Me Wednesday: Prayer Books

I became a Christian at 13. The very first thing that made me think maybe I wanted to give Jesus a try was hearing the people at the Bible study I visited pray- so spontaneous and intimate, as if they really had a relationship with the person they were speaking with.

I then spent my high school career in the greatest church in the whole entire world (in my unbiased opinion). There I was taught that talking to God can and should be as easy as talking to a friend. Tell Him about the friend who snubbed you at lunch and the boy you have a crush on, ask Him to help you know Him better. Use whatever words you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be formal or scary, Jesus knows our hearts and wants us to come as we are.

So that is wonderful, but somehow along the way I got the idea that praying any sort of pre-written prayer "didn't really count". Praying to me was having a conversation, and how could you have a natural conversation if someone else wrote it?! Didn't that mean that it wasn't really heartfelt, or made God sort of distant and removed? Yet tons of my friends at college came from Anglican traditions and clearly had thriving relationships with God using lots of pre-typed, daily-ordered prayers. I gradually gave it a try, and in the past few years I have discovered how much I LOVE using pre-written prayers (prayer books, hymns, daily office, etc.) to pray and connect with God.

Here are a few of the main benefits pre-written prayers have had for my spiritual life:

1) Relief From Anxiety.
This might be the biggest difference using prayer books has really made for me. I am super anxious girl. While I wholeheartedly believe everything I just wrote about coming to Jesus as we are and being able to speak with Him openly and honestly, it is often not that easy for me. Much of praying in high school (OK, and now!) for me was characterized by fear, worry that I'm saying the "wrong thing", or just being totally paralyzed and unsure of how to start. While some of that is deeper issues (for a longer post sometime... :-)), some of it is just plain "pray-er's block". Having something concrete to start with gives me such relief, that I don't have to magically have these great words flowing from my heart and mouth and pen!

2) Gives Words to Things I Want To Say But Don't Know How.

One of my favorite prayers, by Richard Foster, begins: "I am, O God, a jumbled mass of motives. One moment I am adoring You, and the next I am shaking my fist at You... I am full of faith and full of doubt. I want the best for others and am jealous when they get it." Uh, yeah I am a jumbled mass of motives... as soon as I read that phrase I identified with it, but I would never have known what to call that feeling of frustration and helplessness I feel with myself sometimes.

"I believe that Jesus Thy Son has plenteous redemption" (from Valley of Vision). Of course I believe He does, but I'd never been able to put it into words quite so succinctly before I read that prayer, and reading that sentence always reminds me of the hugeness of that truth and brings me to gratitude and praise.

3) Creativity and Inspiration.

There are so many times when I'll read a prayer and totally recognize and fall in love with the way they describe God- but I would NEVER have been able to articulate it so well myself, or even have thought about it. My friend Sarah emailed out a prayer reading, "May the blessing of our love and our strong joy in blessing call out new growth in everyone we know and meet". What a cool thing to pray, to ask God to use us to "call out new growth" in others... but I would never have thought about it myself. That same prayer from Valley of Vision thanks God that "Thou hast seen and abhorred all my sins yet... Thou hast invited me to Thy table". I LOVE that image- God inviting us to sit, relax, eat, be with Him at His table- the picture of relationship. Ever since I read that it's been a new visual in my head when I think about the forgiveness and closeness God offers us.

4) Words To Lean On.

Our feelings so often do not line up with what we know to be true. At least mine don't. Prayer books and hymns give me truths to pray, sing, and repeat when my emotions are all over the place and when God feels far away.

"I will not run from Your presence. Nor will I pretend to be what I am not. Thank You for accepting me with all my contradictions. Amen."

"Lord, You have always provided bread for the coming day, and though I am poor, today I believe."

"Hast Thou not bid me seek Thy face, then shall I seek in vain?"

"Come ye sinners, poor and needy, weak and wounded, sick and sore..."

I don't have to wait for my emotions to chill out to pray and I don't have to feel a truth for it to be true. Still, at times when my mind goes blank and my heart doesn't have anything to say, these words have given me a template to talk to God and reminded me of what is true, not contingent on my moods or circumstances.

There are a ton more reasons that I love and am so grateful for pre-written prayers and liturgy... what I learn about God, the calmness of a routine, the way something sinks deeper into your soul when you say it repeatedly, how something mentioned in a prayer book can act as a springboard in my journaling and "casual" conversations with God, the beauty of praying something Christians have prayed for centuries, the connection I feel praying the same prayer as a friend in the same room or continents away.

So yep, using prayer books works for me! For more Works for Me Wednesday please visit We Are THAT Family.

(I love:

Celtic Daily Prayer, from the Northumbria Community

Valley of Vision, a collection of Puritan prayers

Indelible Grace

and my roommate swears by the Book of Common Prayer)

I'd love suggestions for more!

I'm Ridiculous

On a slightly less spiritual note than my last post, I'm com-plete-ly obsessed with the song Love Story by Taylor Swift. I heard it for the first time Thursday night, immediately downloaded it and have since listened to it literally 35 times. Tonight Christine, Heather and I had a mad dance party to it in the kitchen. 'Cause we're hot like that. I'm glad my roommates have found ways to cope with my tendency to listen to one song on repeat for days at a time...

"To worship God means to serve Him.
There are two ways to do it.
One way is to do things for Him that He needs to have done- run errands for Him, carry messages for Him, fight on His side, feed His lambs, and so on.
The other way is to do things for Him that you need to do- sing songs for Him, create beautiful things for Him, give things up for Him, tell Him what is on your mind and in your heart,
in general rejoice in Him and make a fool of yourself for Him the way lovers have always made fools of themselves for the one they love."

-Frederick Buechner

This one got added to the quote book.

"Thank the Lord for every errand that takes you to the throne of grace.
Whatever it is that sends you to prayer,
count it one of your choice blessings.
It may be a heavy cross, a painful trial, a pressing need;
it may be a broken cistern, a cold look, an unkind expression;
yet, if it leads you to prayer,
regard it as a mercy sent from God to your soul."

-Octavius Winslow

I was stressin' today and wishing things were flowing differently. Then I remembered reading this on a blog- and realized that in my frustration I had been praying way more than normal. "Whatever it is that sends you to prayer, count it one of your choice blessings". Yay for the sweet reminder... anything that makes me pray is something to be grateful for.

Road- I mean, BUS!- Trip!

I want to write a real post about it but I'm waiting for some more pictures; but I feel like I can't post anything until I do at least a brief update. Um: so so so wonderful and fun.




This is what we did: Read. Talk. Laugh. Eat a lot. Sleep late. Make fun of each other (mostly me). Enjoy David and Matt's amazing families. Journal. Play cards. Lose at cards (mostly me). Eat. Read. Laugh. Watch movies. Stay up late. Stay in pajamas all day. Lay on the couch. Sit at the kitchen table. Laugh. Talk. Go to church. Cut Matt's hair (mostly me, but luckily for Matt, significantly his grandmother as well). Take cute pictures and goofy pictures. Explore. Go for walks. Go back home and eat. Sleep. Enjoy each other. Read-talk-laugh? So much.

I have the best friends in the whole world.

(OKKKK, the book update is: I didn't finish any of them. But I WOULD have, if I hadn't left To Kill A Mockingbird at David's! I was more than halfway through it (it was so wonderful). And I got well into Return of the Prodigal Son, which I'm loving. And I started Circle of Quiet but didn't really like it. And I never got desperate enough to read much of Shopaholic since Matt made sure to roll his eyes at me the whole time...)

Road Trip!!! Day... One... Sort of

We're doin' it!

Well. Sort of. It got pretty exciting there for awhile.

Original plan: Leave Wheaton at 10 AM yesterday, drive 7 hours to David's parents' house in Minnesota and arrive in time for dinner. Have leisurely evening with the Thorntons and sleep in on Sunday.

New plan: One broken engine, three trips to different car places, four last minute Greyhound tickets and an 8-hour overnight bus trip! YEAH!

We left Chicago 11 pm last night and arrived in Minneapolis 8 AM this morning. Wahoo!

Seriously, we're having so much fun though. We're all so thankful that it worked out for the trip to still happen... David's parents SO graciously offered to drive us back to Wheaton on Wednesday, and then Matt's grands are picking us up and taking us to Ohio, where his grandpa can fix the car in time for us to take it back to school.

So the plans have changed but we're having a blast.

Today we had the incredibly eventful schedule of:

9 AM: Arrive David's house.
9:30-10:30: Eat amazing breakfast cooked by Mrs. Thornton.
11-12: Shower and chill (and talk on the phone with beautiful Mary, in my case).
12-2:30 PM: Sleep.
2:30-3:30: Eat amazing lunch cooked by Mrs. Thornton.
3:30-5:30: All sit together reading.
5:30-6:30: Go for a walk.
6:30-present: Chill.
And we're about to go eat another delicious meal. Probably followed by some reading and movie watching and laughing. Um. Heck. Yes.

Iiiiii seriously couldn't be happier. Being with some of my favorite people with no work and no agenda? So perfect.

ANDDDDD the final book list is:

Bible & Journal (didn't count)
Celtic Daily Prayer (duh)
To Kill A Mockingbird, Harper Lee (deep fiction fix)
Shopaholic & Sister, Sophie Kinsella (funny fiction fix)
Circle of Quiet, Madeleine L'Engle (beautiful and peaceful and page-turny writing fix)
With Open Hands, Henri Nouwen (Nouwen fix, and peaceful-devotionaly)
Return of the Prodigal Son, Henri Nouwen (Nouwen fix, and one I've been meaning to read, and spiritual growth-y)

So happy just thinking of all of them sitting in my backpack waiting for me to read themmmm...

Heather J

My roommate and I are hot.

We love each other.

Emily is...

I'm off facebook again (always such a freeing feeling)... but I have a strong desire to Update My Status.

I love, love, love my Wheaton life. Including the schoolwork aspects, seriously, and living with lots of people and being busy.

But right now... my status update of life...

is SO, "Emily is SO READY to be on break and SO EXCITED for time to chill, read, be with Jesus, be with friends, and be away."

Yayuh. 24.5 hours til departure.

(yes, I am procrastinating on studying a little bit.)

(side note, my friend Anna from home is visiting today on her way to a conference in Chicago! We're having a blast, it's great to see her.)

Road Trip Update

Email received from my mother:

"...tell your traveling friends that from personal experience, trying to limit your books may induce a bit (teeny) of crankiness. 3 is very unrealistic...
love,
mom"

I forwarded said email to aforementioned Owner of Car.

Who may have traveled with my reading material before... but has also (ha!) traveled with me when I'm cranky.

Annnnd, the book limit has been revoked (with pleas to live by "the spirit of the law").

;-) Thanks, Mama!

The crew. We're excited. Road trips are so the best finals/midterms week cure.

affirm. grateful.

...And my God will meet all your needs

according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

To our God and Father be glory for ever and ever.

Amen.

Phil 4:19