Just Over Two Weeks Left.

Repite:

"...It is important to know that our emotional life is not the same as our spiritual life.
Our spiritual life is the life of the Spirit of God within us.
As we feel our emotions shift we must connect our spirits with the Spirit of God and remind ourselves that what we feel is not who we are.
We are and remain, whatever our moods, God's beloved children."

-Henri Nouwen

Here's a peek inside my brain right now:

I can't wait to leave. I don't want to leave for another year. It's going to feel so amazing to be home. What will I do at home? I GET TO SEE EVERYONE SOON!!! Am I going to be able to connect with them? I should have done so much differently. I could have done so much better. I love the people here so much. Do I even really know these people? Why didn't I get to know them better?

Why can't I cry? I hear about 12 year olds being raped and I can't cry? Why can't I stop crying? That Grey's Anatomy episode/blog article/random song on my iTunes shuffle was not that sad! But I can't stop crying...

These girls are so beautiful. Oh God, I want such good things for their lives. What are their lives going to look like? How can I leave when I don't know what their lives are going to look like?

I can't stop crying.

Are their lives going to be good? Will they be warm and safe and have jobs they enjoy and stable partners and inner peace and a sense of worth? Did they internalize what Mosoj Yan taught them? Oh Lord, keep them safe, keep them happy.

I can't stop crying...

Why didn't I ask the office staff out for coffee sooner? Why didn't I practice grammar? Why didn't I pray for the girls by name more often? Will anyone here remember me?

I spent most of the last 5 1/2 months longing for home.
I will be overjoyed to be there.
I spent the last 5 1/2 months laughing, dance partying, being hugged and held, learning, loving deeply, internalizing.
I don't want to leave here.

...I'm going to make everyone so freakin' uncomfortable when I spend the whole next semester CRYING!!!

I don't know how to do this.
I don't know how to explain this.
Six months doesn't seem to justify
this much love or this much pain or this much confusion.
I learned a long time ago, though,
that waiting to justify your emotions
doesn't work all that well.

I am blessed beyond measure.
This time was a gift.
My life at home is a gift.
Lord, when I know not what else to do, make me grateful,
because whatever kind of hot mess I am,
I have so much for which to give thanks.
This,
in the midst of the craziness,
I do know.
Make me cling to that-
lead me to give thanks
when I don't know what else to do...

I think I might not know what to do
for awhile.

(That scares me.)

But this time was a gift.
I believe it and I will repeat it.

I want to go home,
but I am going to miss this place and these people.
That's okay. But it's confusing.

And I can't stop crying.

Right now,
I am actively grateful
for the quote printed at the top,
and the fact
that He is so constant
when I am not.


"When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay."