A gift in this year: Iglesia.

When I first started attending Iglesia, towards the end of my senior year at Wheaton, I thought of it (/it was), the "Spanish service" of Rez. It has since grown and evolved from a small group of about three families which met in one family's basement, to a full-on church meeting in the ministry center, which is separate from Rez (although a part of the same family of churches as I understand it...).

My role in Iglesia has evolved and been re-defined as well. The original plan was for me to lead a group of the youth. Over last summer I started getting called in to occasionally lead the kids. And then occasionally was turning into every other week... then every week. And the youth were hard to get together...

Then we moved to the ministry center and combined with another smaller group to be a bigger group, and there were more kids, and, well, new plan... Steven and I were officially leading the kids!

Honestly, my first reaction to this development was great hesitation. I am not a teacher. Not. A. Teacher. I love mentoring. I love snuggling babies. And I absolutely love kids... but managing a room full of them, not just for fun, but for spiritual development? Um...

And, well, this is the part where I'd love to jump in and say, "BUT THEN IT ALL WENT SWIMMINGLY AND NOW I LOVE TEACHING AND THEY HUNG ON MY EVERY WORD AND GREW SPIRITUALLY LEAPS AND BOUNDS AND I CREATED AN ENGAGING, CREATIVE, BIBLICAL SUNDAY SCHOOL CURRICULUM THAT'S BEING USED IN CHURCHES THROUGHOUT THE STATE."

But, nope.

It was really, really hard. And I don't feel like I was that good at it... ever. And honestly, it was frustrating and tiring, a lot, and there are things I'd do differently now... and I have some strong feelings I still really need to think through, about the ways the kids were affected by my limitations.

It was, however, very much a ton of fun and a huge source of joy for me this year...

I'm so grateful for each and every one of those kids. I love them.

I'm grateful for their hugs and sweet smiles and funny, quirky personalities, and crazy antics (...most of the crazy antics :-P).
I'm so grateful for the privilege it is to teach kids about God's love for them, and to meet with them in His Word.

I'm grateful for the chance to try to reach out to the more difficult kids. I'm grateful for the times we felt like we were getting through. I'm grateful for the chance to pray for God's heart for them and to show God's love to them.

I'm grateful for the exhausting creative challenge of trying to come up with ways to get Bible stories and messages across in an engaging and relevant way... I'm grateful for the awesome feeling when it seemed like it WORKED!

I.am.grateful. for the times when it didn't seem that it worked... and what that taught me about "doing your best, praying it will be blessed, and letting God take care of the rest" (thank you my dear sweet freshman roommate).

I'm grateful for their laughter. And for our amazing fun times together... soccer on the grass out front, for the record, is absolutely a spiritual exercise... And tickling is apparently incredibly helpful to their ability to study the Bible, they assure me.

I'm grateful for times when I came back from a few weeks away and kids immediately ran up and said they'd missed me.

I'm grateful for getting to know some of their needs and personalities and trying to tailor lessons to them.

I'm soooo grateful for the many times God taught me through their insights and questions.

I'm so grateful for the time spent in prayer over them... and with them.

I'm so grateful for how God is at work in their hearts and lives... and that we are "coming late to a party".

I'm so grateful God let me be a part of their stories.

These are our kids in the room one day we were playing around with trying to create a more peaceful atmosphere...

we liked avoiding gross flourescent overhead light, but this particular lamp did not quite cut the whole need-for-people-to-be-able-to-see-each-other thing.

 

Making Christmas scenes out of popsicle sticks (does that scream desperation for ideas to you? Well...), and lovin' on the leaders.

I'm grateful for memories together. One specific family's kids Steven and/or I ended up taking out after the service frequently. This was one of my favorite, favorite things. I loved that the kids were excited about it. I loved getting the chance to enjoy them and get to know them better. I hope and pray they are bright moments and memories for them. Some of my most cherished memories in my whole life are of times when I got to go out with leaders from my youth group throughout high school. (...and by throughout high school, I mean, every time I'm home now... I probably just take it for granted a bit more after a decade :-)). But seriously. Quality time is my love language to an insane degree and at least for one of these boys I see that a lot too. Getting to spend fun time with special adults is such an exciting thing to a kid and can be such an amazing way to love on them. And I look back on every one of those Starbucks and IHOP dates as just as spiritually formative (trusting spiritual leaders and feeling safe and accepted in a fellowship environment!!!) as any Bible study I ever did. True story.

....annnnd, that was a novel. In conclusion, I am so grateful we went out with them after class so often. I pray it had fruit beyond what we can see. And I'm grateful for the memories of my leaders doing it for me, which moved me to do it more on the nights when I was beat and just wanted to go home.

...Honestly, I have been reflecting a lot in the last couple of weeks,

on the ways that involvement in Iglesia was a hard area for me this year, too.

Not because of any lack of love or joy in my relationships with the members of this church.

But because of how much my own failings were present.

And that is something else I have been gradually starting to thank God for.

It is a gift to get more clarity on my weaknesses, and my sinful patterns. And to see more clearly and startlingly, how they affect me, and other people. And if you are someone who prays for me, please feel free to include in your prayers that my continued reflection on these areas turns into the strength to make actual changes.

I'm grateful for realizing more of just how often I fail to follow through on things I say I will do- or things I just straight up should do.

I'm grateful for recognizing more excuses I give for this laziness, to my own heart and to others.

I'm grateful to be seeing more of how often I care more about how I come across to others than how much I am quietly and honestly just doing what I am accountable for before God.

I'm grateful to be realizing in more dramatic ways, just how much I can shirk work, prioritize my own comfort, and complain in my heart (or out loud), when I am tired, drained, lonely, or feel like I can blame a bad result on someone else.

These were also very real gifts from God through Iglesia to me this year.

But not the only ones.

(I love these little girls so much I almost can't handle it. They are the ones who are usually in my arms when I take Communion... oh they make me so happy. And I love love love their sweet and amazing mom. Which is why I feel really bad about how sad she'll be when I steal her children.)

Girls at my house making Christmas cookies! 

I'm so grateful for the girls I got to mentor. Griselda and Frances became real friends. I adore them, and I look up to them. And I have regret in those relationships, too, about not having as much time or energy as I wanted to; but thanks be to God because I have been seeing some sweet fruit in our times and friendships anyway. I'm crossing my fingers that hopefully it was a situation of God multiplying the loaves and fish I could offer. I love those girls... they brought me so much joy this year!

I'm grateful for the moms at church who became friends. (I wish I was staying. I feel more and more comfortable with them every week.) (I mean I don't wish I was staying, really, but... you know what I mean.)

I'm grateful for the warmth and care they extend to me.

I'm grateful for the times I felt comfortable and at home in that community.

I'm so grateful for the chance to get to know more about what it is like as an immigrant here; to know and enter into their stories in any way.

I'm grateful to have gotten to know the teens, even though I didn't spend as much time with them as I wish I could have. I so enjoyed the time I did spend, and the chance to get to see them on Saturdays.

And obviously I'm so grateful for the close friendships I gained through it!!

I'm grateful for some clarity I got about how to pursure church community and service in the future.
I'm grateful to be wrestling with the balance between "do few things, but do them well" and pouring out where there are needs. Still confused, but grateful to be thinking about it.

I'm grateful for the Kirmes nights where we all eat together to enjoy each other and raise money for the church.

I'm grateful for the baptisms and the first Communions we rejoiced over together.

I'm grateful for celebrating Mexican Christmas traditions!

I'm so grateful to have gotten to worship and pray and take the Eucharist in Spanish.

I'm grateful to have seen and stood in awe, of what can come of people getting to know their neighbors (seriously. That's how this whole church started. Jonathan was intentional with his neighbors.)

I am grateful for this (from the website):

"As a church we exist for the sake of the community and advocate for justice for those whose voice is often not heard..." 

 -to have gotten to be a part of it, to have gotten to see it and be formed by it and learn from it.

This was tonight :-).

 

...This might seem random but it was one of my favorite things. We did a lesson about Jesus healing the blind man. I wanted them to appreciate how grateful that man must have been, so I blindfolded them all and then told them to find the candy that was hidden around the room. Finding candy blind is frustrating; therefore being blind is frustrating; WOW it's great that Jesus heals! Unfortunately for the point of my lesson, they thought the blindfolds were great fun and turned it into a big crashing into each other game. But we went over how lonely and desperate that man must have been in those times, etc... wrote things he couldn't do on the board so that they could imagine how kind of Jesus it was to heal him... anyway, after the service when I went back into the room I found this on the board. They got the point. Love.

Thanking God for giving me Iglesia this year.

.14.

A gift in this year: Steven Doelman.

This was this morning at church. "Steven! I need to take your picture for my blog!" Can't you see how incredibly excited he was about this?

So last summer, I was assigned to lead the class for the kids at Iglesia with this tall, Dutch, Wheaton College senior. He was great with the kids and nice and I enjoyed hanging out with him on Saturday nights, but I'd already decided I was Not Making Any New Close Guy Friends This Year.

Annnnd... I'm grateful for Proverbs 16:9.

Some of our kids have some pretty hard lives. And teaching them was... tricky, in a lot of ways. We started meeting to plan how to teach, and to set aside time to pray for them.

Steven, being Steven, asked as we prepared to pray for the first time,

"Well, and how can I be praying for you?"

 So I told him some things and asked him the same question.

And in addition to praying for the kids, we prayed for each other.

We kept meeting every week, and sharing prayer requests turned into sharing honestly about our spiritual lives. Steven became one of the main people who asked me on a regular basis what I was hearing from God. So I would tell him. And ask him back.

So virtually every week most of this year, we had time set aside to talk for real. And to pray over our kids and pray for each other.

That was such a joy and a gift from God in my year.

I am so thankful for who Steven is and for the friendship we developed.

I'm grateful for his willingness to go deep.

I'm grateful for his heart which is one of the most seeking-God I know.

I'm so grateful for and challenged by his remarkably humble spirit.

I'm grateful for his thoughtful words of encouragement, and how he speaks affirmation of God's work in my life; and I'm grateful that he is willing to push back and challenge me when I need it.

I'm grateful for how seriously he takes church community, at Rez and at Iglesia, and how that's deepened my view of church and challenged me to commit deeper and further to both communities.

SO, SO GRATEFUL TO LEAD THESE KIDS WITH HIM.

I have done it alone on nights when he's away and now that he's doing the Wheaton Summer Bridge program and... let's just say... we are better as a team. (As in, mayyybe I saw him at church this morning and without so much as a hello, immediately screamed in the middle of the lobby, "OMIGOSH COME BACK COME BACK COME BACK!!!!!""...).

Seriously, our team dynamic has been such a joy and help and I cannot imagine having done this year alone.

So grateful for how we can tag-team teaching and classroom management.

So grateful to have someone to share the burden of some of the hardest stories with.

So grateful for our times of prayer;
and for the power of praying in a team for them.

So grateful for someone to just process them with. Often when we meet it's, "How can we reach him? What should we do to engage her more? Did you notice this dynamic...? I think he's really starting to grasp it!". It's SO special and helpful to love them with someone, to be able to bounce ideas off of someone, to brainstorm and plan with another person.

So grateful to have shared these memories with someone.

So, so grateful for his love for these kids. Grateful for his consistency. Grateful for his willingness to sacrifice his time, energy, schedule for them- and the example and challenge that is to me.

Grateful for his faithfulness in prayer.

Grateful for his desire to teach them the Word and to set an example of knowing Christ for them.

So grateful for his high standards for them, for how they respond to him, for his gifts with teaching.

I am so, so grateful they have a positive male role model. It is such a need in the church for men to step up to do that (sorry, soapbox... but, really). Steven is so doing it and I know the fruit from that is bigger than we can see.

Some of our boys... the sign says, "Happy Holidays Steven We Miss You!!!". It was their idea. They all made him signs and I took pictures to send him when he was at home over Christmas break. They love him.

 

And mostly, I am just grateful for his friendship. Grateful to have gotten to learn from and with him. Grateful for the ways he's shown his joy in my joys and I know he's carried my burdens in prayer. And I am grateful to be praying for him and entering into the awesome work God is doing in his heart and life in his post-graduate year.

 "Wow, look, it's the service starting! Hm, think maybe I'll pay attention to that now..."

Thanking God for giving me Steven this year.

.19.

A gift in this year: Lots Of Spanish.

Hearing, speaking, and interacting in Spanish brings me so much joy. And this year was unexpectedly FULL of Spanish.

A sad thing for me about leaving Bolivia was that I felt like I was leaving right at the point where I started to feel really comfortable in Spanish (please note I didn't say good). I had worked so hard for all those months to get to that point and then- I was leaving! I didn't know if I'd ever have the chance to use it intensively again.

And then my job fell in my lap. A series of random connections and a quick interview, and to my surprise, I found myself hired as a home visitor for immigrant families- 9/10 Spanish-speaking.

Then, I got plugged in at Iglesia. I've gotten to attend a weekly church service all in Spanish, teach and mentor kids who speak Spanish at home, get to know and love Mexican families.

I'm so thankful that instead of losing my Spanish skills, this year I had the unexpected opportunity to improve them.

I'm so thankful that I got to use something from Bolivia for good this year. Speaking Spanish helped me feel more connected to my community there. And using a skill I'd gained from HNGR to help people was incredibly healing.

I get so much joy from spending time in Mexican-majority neighborhoods, chatting with Spanish-speaking families in stores or at the library, and being able to form close relationships with people who I would never be able to know without Spanish.

Thanking God for giving me the opportunity to use Spanish this year.

.25.

A gift in this year: Children.

This is a pretty good image of how I spent most of my year:
with my arms full of babies.

(As in, I cashed in a groupon on a massage recently- the masseuse told me it was evident I worked with kids. "Your back is twisted in the way we always see with someone who has a baby on their hip all day..."-
I was so proud.)

My life was FILLED with children this year;
so, oh, was it filled with joy. 

It is joy to see God's design in how they develop.

It is joy to watch their growing exploration of the world around them ("Bubbles! Colors! Blocks! A bird! Look!").

It is joy to be the recipient of their gleeful affection.

It is joy to see their innocent, un-self-conscious personalities expressed.

It is joy to hear their questions of faith.

It is joy to see the purest human love between parents and their babies.

 It is joy to deep-down know just how valuable a life is, even when they have yet to "contribute" anything to society.

It is joy to delight in their beauty and uniqueness.

It is joy to pray over their lives.

I loved going to Rez- a church that number one, has tons of small children, and number two, values them.  Kids are welcomed and encouraged to come to virtually anything. I love seeing them come down the aisle with their parents; I love serving them the Eucharist; I love seeing them dance in the aisles during worship. I love the hugs I get from the kids in the families I know. I love that a good friend's four-year-old was scared to take Communion so they had her come to me for her first time. I love seeing them fall asleep on their parents' shoulders during the service. I love that we hear of God as Father with these examples of it surrounding us. I love that they are growing up feeling safe and accepted in an atmosphere of faith.

I loved teaching the elementary-schoolers at Iglesia every week. I love that Steven, Kym, and I took the kids to see a children's play at the college and they still talk about it months later. I love taking them out for hot chocolate after class and that they call it "going on an adventure" ("Are we going an an adventure to Starbucks tonight?!!"). I love that the moms will call me if they need a babysitter. I love that I joke with them that "God wouldn't recognize me taking Communion without a baby in my arms!" (joke- bad theology- He does!)- because most Saturday nights, I reach for the wafer while juggling at least one toddler in my arms and another clinging to the hem of my shirt.

I loved being immersed in Michael and Lisa's family. I love their babies (ages 5, 3, and 10 months). I love babysitting them, I love playing at the park, I love that I met M. the day after she was born, I love watching Michael and Lisa be parents, I love being Tia Emily.

 

And finally, obviously, there was my job.
All year I had eleven babies assigned to me. I got to read to them, I got to chart and watch their development, I got to cuddle and do crafts, I got to plan activities that were particular to their needs and strengths and preferences, I got to observe and encourage and fill with joy at their relationships with their beautiful parents. I got to fall in love with them and see them grow over a whole year.

 (And it's so sad I'm totally not allowed to post pictures of them, because they are the.cutest.babies.ever. Seriously. Be sad you can't see them.)

"How can there be too many children?
It's like saying there are too many flowers."

-Mother Teresa

Thanking God for giving me children in this year.

.26.

Duh.

This week was my turn to teach the kids at Iglesia on Saturday night. The lesson for this week of Lent was on Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. We had great fun acting it out- I brought bedsheets so that we could wrap one of our eight-year-olds up as Lazarus' body (his buddies had quite a good time "burying" him, although there was a bit more "Get way back in your tomb!!! HA, YOU ARE SOOO DEAD!!" than the deep grief and mourning we were trying to convey the disciples would have felt).

In addition to acting it out, we read the story and asked the kids questions to encourage them to put themselves into it. I read to them about Jesus hearing that his very best friend who he loved was sick, of his waiting but then coming back, of seeing Martha and Mary in pain and knowing that Lazarus had died. I read to them that verse which brings me such comfort in my own times of sadness, John 11:35: "Jesus wept".

"See, guys, when Jesus saw that his friend had died, he cried. He loved Lazarus. This story brings me a lot of comfort when I feel sad, because I know that Jesus has felt sad too."

One of our guys really, really likes helping us read. This is great and sometimes slightly problematic as he chimes in pretty often. We love his enthusiasm and are working on limiting the distracting. So I had him right next to me so he could make his helpful comments to me and not to his friends as I read and asked for feedback.

After I said, "I feel better because I know that Jesus wept", he threw the full weight of his second-grade body back against the chair and let out a slight sigh that had "Let me teach you" written all over it. He tugged on my sleeve to make sure I'd seen that he'd thrown his arm in the air.

"Yeah, dude? What do you think about that?"

"Well..." he shook his head. "Well... DUHHHH."

"Duh?"

"Duhhhh, Jesus knows what it's like to feel sad. I mean... He was like, BORN here. And I mean, He was here..."

He paused.

"...Like, before us."

Oh, right. The Incarnation. And God, creator of Heaven and earth. The whole point of the story I claim to live by. So often I do live like it's news to me that I'm still trying out.

Jesus was here before me.
And He knows all things.
And He wept.

Duh.

cause i think beauty is sequential.

I woke up this morning with warm sun on my face and Ryan plucking hymns on guitar in the living room.

And my plans for Saturday are a long date with God, a long walk with Mere, Iglesia, and going into the city for a double date with Steve and Tamara.

Happy Saturday.




Pics:
Wheaton morning, by Chet
A favorite of me and Mere (and her bf)

my life...

I keep wanting to write a real blog post. But here's about as real as it gets:

My Life Is...

Spanish babies babies Spanish Spanish Spanish BABIES BABIES BABIES toddlers eight-year-old shy smiling siblings Spanish babies...

friends friends friends tears of gratitude for how amazing my friends are friends friends friends long phone calls with friends out of state joyful quick refreshing times with friends in state tears of amazement at God working in my friends' lives exciting lunches with new friends friends friends...

church church taking Eucharist giving Eucharist babies at church babies babies Spanish at church Spanish Spanish worship learning humbled church families friends church...

prayer prayer prayer what the heck I think God is teaching me stuff prayer prayer on dates with God prayer on walks prayer at lunch prayers for others OTHERS PRAYING FOR ME prayer that I don't know what I'm praying prayers of thanks wordless prayer learning what to pray sitting silently alone with others deep sad tearful broken prayer prayer where I am just with God prayer prayer prayer...

conviction learning apologizing laughing feeling so lonely feeling so connected frustration joy prayer friendship bowling reading cooking eating working driving music small group deep talks missing people Christmas lights Starbucks Julian of Norwich my roommates are awesome my cat is insane joy loneliness joy connection joy frustration learning fear HUMBLEDDD trust fear trust fear friendship Spanish Spanish connection phone calls texting Spanish babies friendship prayer thankfulness prayer...

...

(did I mention Spanish and babies? :-))

i am thankful daily there is no direct Spanish translation for "awkward".

Many weeks after the Spanish church service,
we all eat Mexican food together.

Tonight, I was sitting at a table with lovely people,
some of whom I knew and some I did not.
We were discussing how good the food was;
I wanted to say, "Yes, I never leave here hungry!".

In Spanish, you don't say "I am hungry",
it translates to, "I have hunger".

So I wanted to say,
"Nunca salgo de aqui con hambre"- I never leave here with hunger.

Except I accidentally pronounced hambre...
as hombre.
Hombre = man.

"I never leave here with a man!".

...

I think this may beat my previous winner.

aaaahhhhhhhhhhh