Off to Hungary!

I decided that trying out one new continent a year wasn't quite enough for me, so I leave today to ring in the New Year in Budapest with my great friend Matt and his family (they're American, but his parents are missionaries there).

I am so. so. so. so. so (SOOOOOOOO) excited about this.

See y'all in 2010!!!!!!!!!

Oh... and just for clarification purposes:

Frequently Asked Questions

So, are you and Matt Hiltibran DATING?!!
Nope, we're just good friends.

But... you seem to really enjoy spending time together.
Well, that generally is considered part of a good friendship.

But... he's a guy.
He definitely is.

And... you're a girl.
Most decidedly so.

(confused pause)
So... that means... you are CLOSE FRIENDS OF OPPOSITE GENDERS??!!
Yes, and this has in fact been pointed out to us before.

Oh. So, you're close friends, of opposite genders... but are you that kind of not dating where you're really like, sort of dating, but not, but really are, and are going to? You know?
Um. I don't really speak Dawson's Creek, so I'm not completely sure what you're saying, but I think it has something to do with whether or not we have plans to date in the future. The answer is no.

So you know that means you're like SO DUMB, right?
Yeah, both sets of parents have made that pretty clear to us over the years. You can join them and my roommates in praying for changes of heart. In the meantime we're having a great time enjoying a fruitful and encouraging friendship! Thanks for your concern!

:-)

a song, a song, high above the trees, with a voice as big as the seas.

"Therefore, the Lord Himself will give you a sign:
a virgin will be with child
and bear a Son,
and she will call him
Emmanuel:
God with us.

...And His name will be called
Wonderful Counselor,
Mighty God,
Eternal Father,
Prince of Peace."

Isaiah 7:14, 9:6

Gchat conversation, around midnight on 12/24:

me: hey,

heading to bed but wanted to say merry christmas eve!

Chet: aw thanks

have a good night!

24 hours till bingo

(aka Christmas)

me: hahaha

like

Jesus is born: bing-OOOO!!!!!!!
?

Chet: right
its just an expression I use

Merry Christmas, everybody. Bingo! Jesus is born. :-)

I'd love to say I'm spending my first weeks back in the country and the week before Christmas resting, reflecting, peacefully enjoying the season...

but the fact that I just pulled up Google for the sole purpose of desperately needing to find this quote... probably answers that question.

"One reason we are so harried and hurried is that we make yesterday and tomorrow our business, when all that legitimately concerns us is today.
If we really have too much to do, there are some items on the agenda which God did not put there.
Let us submit the list to Him and ask Him to indicate which items we must delete.
There is always time to do the will of God.
If we are too busy to do that, we are too busy."

-Elisabeth Elliot

Trying really, really hard to remember that.

Have I mentioned that I love the Ramsings?

My computer "rang" this evening and I saw that my second family was calling me on Skype. This hasn't been unusual over the last 16 months as they returned from 10 months in Uganda only two weeks before I left for Bolivia, but we don't usually use it when we're um, in the same town... but I'd been planning on going over there today but was too snowed in (two feet and counting!) to drive or even walk the couple miles to their house.

They were all "Emily, want to do ADVENT with us?!!!".

Which of course I did.

So they all gathered 'round... the computer, and the kids took turns reading their sections of the nightly reading to me, making sure to hold the book up to the webcam so that I could see the pictures, too.

And then we all prayed together over videochat and blew each other kisses and said good night.

I really love that family, man.

From Mac screen-shot-taker:

"Don't miss the pictures Em!"


Some CRAZY + beautiful people I love.



Advent candles. Jesus, we are so seriously happy that You came to earth, for real.

I don't have a twitter so I am writing this here:

My SISTER who I have not seen in more than Six Freaking Months...

gets home from her first semester of college in TWO HOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even though I am exhausted I am way too excited to sleep. Baking abounds.

YEAHHHHHHHHH

The last time we saw each other- on our way to take me to the airport in June...


I really just like her a lot.

crying.

After my host siblings left Cochabamba in October, I spent more than one evening sitting silently with my host mom. I would hold her hand while she cried, and usually I would cry too. The grief in that house in Bolivia was so thick some nights you could feel it tangibly. I wanted to run away from it. I've never grieved like my host parents have had to this year and I had no idea what to do (and even when I did know I didn't always do it).

But I could sit with her when she cried.


About two weeks ago, I was in my Bolivian bedroom staring at the suitcases set out on the floor. I thought about the fact that I was about to fill them with my things and leave this place forever, and I started to panic. I internationally-called my friend Matt, asked him to pray for me, and promptly burst into tears. It's hard to know what to do when someone you love is crying in another country. But he prayed for me, and he listened patiently, and he spoke words of encouragement and confidence in my ability to live the next few days.

And he sat with me, even from across an ocean, as I cried.


Yesterday, my friend Nate spent the day here on his way home from grad school in North Carolina. Nate did a HNGR internship in Ethiopia last year and he remembered the weeks after returning. We mostly just had a blast hanging out around my town and catching up on the last semester, but for about an hour we sat at my kitchen table and he gave me the great gift of letting me talk about Bolivia. I talked about Mosoj Yan, I talked about my girls- for the first real time since getting home a week ago. I started to cry multiple times in that conversation.

I talked about hearing and seeing stories of bodies abused and lives that had been empty of love in a way for which I have no context. I talked, too, of seeing an organization that acted out the words of the Gospel in a way that made changes, and how that led me to hope I don't think I could have gotten to by myself. I talked about Romans 8:28, "For we know that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him", and how that verse doesn't mean the same things to me that it used to.

But at one point I heard myself say something that took me by surprise:

"When I would hear the stories of the girls' backgrounds...it was like He was crying, too."

Seeing the situations some of these beautiful, beautiful girls were born into had me yelling and crying confusion at Him pretty loudly at times. Yelling questions, mostly. I get the concept that His ways are higher than our ways and that's been comforting to me in most of my confused moments... but really, Lord? Really, this is for good? Show me how. I don't see one good thing about this.

When I heard myself say that to Nate, about God crying, it clarified for me a little of why, even with the questions and yelling, I didn't seriously doubt His goodness on HNGR. I would hear those stories and cry and somehow, I knew He was crying, too. I knew that if I was devastated by their broken hearts and bodies, He must be uncountably more.

Lord, I am grateful You sit with us, always. I am grateful You cry.

"...Didn't You see [them] crying?
And didn't You hear them call Your name?...

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that that was You, holding them
I didn't notice You were crying, too
I didn't know that that was You washing their feet..."

-David Crowder, "All I Can Say" (slightly edited)- I listened to that song so many times this year.

what more can He say than to you He hath said

getting a lot of comfort from this right now:

how firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord
is laid for your faith in His excellent Word
what more can He say than to you He hath said
who unto the Savior for refuge have fled?


All of it is good:

...fear not, I am with thee, oh, be not dismayed,
for I am thy God and will still give thee aid
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand

when through the deep waters I call thee to go,
the rivers of sorrow shall not overflow;
for I will be with thee thy troubles to bless
and sanctify to thee thy deepest distress

when through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all-sufficient, shall be thy supply
the flames shall not hurt thee; I only design
thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine

the soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose
I will not, I will not, desert to his foes;
that soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I'll never, no never, no never, forsake!

...in every condition: in sickness, in health,
in poverty's vale, or abounding in wealth,
at home and abroad, on the land, on the sea, --
the Lord, the Almighty, they strength e'er shall be.

How I Really Spent The Last Six Months...

(I am so enjoying having a fast enough internet connection to finally post these...)


Here's a couple glimpses into what my HNGR experience really looked like on a daily basis...


It's definitely NOT all angst :-)

(Videos including me actually dance partying were very intentionally left unposted...)

Re-Entry Week Pumpkin Bread

My "happy place" over the last six months when I needed a little ummm retreat from Bolivia was to page through recipe sites and bookmark anything that looked especially yummy and fun to make for when I came home (...okay, I realize that sounds lame, but I don't have a Facebook... I get my kicks where I can). Many an afternoon brinking on absolute culture-shock/homesickness meltdown was held together by the web-surfing promise of ingredient shopping, two-bowl mixing, and preparing and serving a delicious new dinner or dessert.

(...Yeah, I definitely feel lame writing that. But it is true!)

I finally got my hands on some flour and my kitchen yesterday and made a fun and Christmasy-scented (!!) pumpkin bread:

• 1 (15 ounce) can pumpkin puree (ooh, ooh side note, I used organic pumpkin!! Which... is only because I happened to be shopping at Trader Joe's with Becky that morning and pumpkin was on sale. And nothing else I used was organic. But... it makes me feel cool anyway.)
  
• 4 eggs
• 1/2 cup vegetable oil
• 1/2 cup applesauce
  
• 2/3 cup water
• 1 and 1/2 teaspoons vanilla
  
• 1 and 1/2 cups white sugar
• 1 and 1/2 cups brown sugar
  
• 3 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
• 2 teaspoons baking soda
• 1 1/2 teaspoons salt
• 2 and 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
• 2 teaspoons ground nutmeg
• 1 teaspoon ground cloves
• 1/2 teaspoon ground ginger

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease and flour three 7x3 inch loaf pans. (Mine actually came out to two full size loaf pans and one small one, and probably could have all fit in the two.)
2. In a large bowl, mix together pumpkin puree, eggs, oil, water, vanilla and sugar until well blended.
   
3. In a separate bowl, whisk together the flour, baking soda, salt, cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves and ginger.
4. Stir the dry ingredients into the pumpkin mixture until just blended. Pour into the prepared pans.
5. Bake for about 50 minutes in the preheated oven. Loaves are done when toothpick inserted in center comes out clean.

It's based off of this recipe, but mine has a few changes... I added the vanilla and doubled the spices, and the original recipe called for all white sugar but I like using at least partially brown. I also only used the applesauce because we didn't have enough oil for the called-for cup, but I actually really liked it. I think next time I would just use all applesauce and cut the oil- it makes it slightly more cakey (which it could afford), it's a little healthier, and the flavor was great.

Spicewise, you could pretty much do whatever you want. With what I listed, it comes out VERY clove-y. I think next time I might halve that and replace it with more cinnamon (yum!). And I couldn't super taste the vanilla so I might experiment with a bit more of that.

I wished the pumpkin flavor was a little stronger but I'm not sure how to do that without changing the texture of the bread. I've heard there's a pumpkin spice you can buy?

OH YEAH AND: I definitely think it would be great with chewable somethings. Chocolate chips or personally I'm thinkin' CRANBERRIES!!

Overall: very sweet, very moist, and even if you're not hungry slightly addictive. And best of all fun to make!! Which I did while listening to Christmas music on my laptop and calling out questions every five minutes to my poor mother who was trying to read in the living room. I love Christmas and I love being home.

Home...

I am in Maryland!!!

It is lovely, lovely, lovely to be here.

I am thoroughly enjoying hot showers, a comfortable bed (in a blessedly mice-free bedroom), some variety of food, winter weather, and traffic that stops at red lights.

Way more than any of that though, I am so loving spending time with these precious family and friends I so missed.

My parents, characteristically, pretty much haven't stopped hugging and kissing me since picking me up at the airport on Monday (love it), I'm back to darting in and out of the Ramsings' kitchen to glean wisdom from Nick and Becky and scoop children out for hot chocolate twice a day (literally), and I've gotten to hold Rex TWICE in three days... I figure if I continue at this rate eventually I'll make up for being on another continent the first four months of his life (I still can't believe my friends are allowed to do crazy things like have babies without me present, I mean really).

And, super fun, some crazy bosom friend who had been JUST SO SORRY she couldn't make it home until next week and she's REALLY GOING TO CALL ME A LOT so we can talk my first week home since it's just SO UNFORTUNATE WE CAN'T SEE EACH OTHER... had been super LYING!!!, and totally showed up on my doorstep Monday night.

And some lunches and walks and visits and phone calls... it's just been so lovely. I really have the best friends and family, um, I believe the word is EVER. (My mother snorted when she heard me tell someone on the phone that I'd been "pretty quiet" since coming back... ??). I feel so warm and fuzzy and overwhelmed with joy and what-the-heck-why-is-my-life-so-filled-with-amazing-people-and-love-ness all the time.

Bolivia front:
Goodbyes were so sad but really really rich and affirming and good.

I have absolutely not begun to process... anything... yet. It has not sunk in that I am not in Bolivia and/or am not returning (that I have plans for).

That (the processing) will probably, aka definitely, be hard when it happens. Which it needs to. And it will.

I did go sit quietly at a coffee shop today with my Bible and journal, and acknowledged to God and myself that I was there and now I'm here. I cried (a little bit) for the first time since the airport. I think all those things were good.

I also journaled in Spanish, which felt good. I was very relieved to discover I hadn't forgotten it all already. 'Cause I've heard, you know, lots of people forget whole languages in three days. No but seriously. I felt real relief. After all these months of thinking bitter angry thoughts at verb conjugation charts, I totally am missing it... a lot.

If I think too much about all these faces I'm not sure what will happen. But I need to. Please feel free to ask me about them. I like it (so much it makes me want to cry with gratitude) when people do.

...

'K. More random posts to come.

I will say that if you are thinking about going to another country for six months and then coming back, I really highly recommend coming back at Christmastime. Coming home to snow on the ground and frost in the air and carols playing non-stop and general merriment has, true story, added even more joy to my general atmosphere of life... on top of seeing people I love for the first time in months. I really really love coziness and it makes me think of everything that is beautiful and good about life, which is helpful for transitioning from something like this.

...

what else?...

My blog is now playing a lovely Christmas music playlist so please click on over and hear.

I baked pumpkin bread for my mother tonight. From scratch. I'll post the recipe later :-)

I love you all so much friends. I cannot thank you enough for the love and support throughout this year. The adventure continues and I hope we shall all continue together.

...but to LOVE a great deal.

Good to remember in moments of overwhelmedness and what-the-heck-should-I-be-doing?!!-feelings (not that I'm having those this week or anything):

"O my God, You are there before me. What will You that I think or that I say to You out of the depths of my heart?
'I do not ask you to think a great deal, but to love a great deal,' the Holy Spirit answers. 'Adore me, love Me, contemplate Me; tell me and repeat over and over again that you love Me, that you give yourself to Me, that you long for all My children to give themselves to Me and love Me.'

All is sleeping, all is at rest. Thank You, my God, for calling me to adore You and love You. Hold my eyes open and set wide the gates of my soul. Let me lose and sink myself in the contemplation and love of You."

-Charles de Foucald

let me love a great deal this week, Lord. above worrying about saying the perfect last thing or doing the perfect last thing or visiting every last place i have loved in this city or closing out in some perfect way so that i never have any regrets...

let me simply strive to love hard.

Sad.

(This is, I think, a sort of upsetting entry, so read with caution, okay?).


In my independent study interviews on the girls' perceptions of sexuality,
I ask them if they can please describe their first sexual experience for me.

(And yes, I feel like a bold jerk doing so every time, even though I know it will help Mosoj Yan and thus them to have the information).


On Friday, one of the girls told me how she'd had sex for the first time at age 16,
with a boy she'd known for two months.

And my immediate response?
Was a HUGE wave of relief,
and I inwardly began shouting praises to God.

Because, unlike the other girls I'd interviewed that week,

she'd been over the age of 13,
and it had been consensual.


A year ago, to hear her say that,
would have made me want to cry.

The fact that now I didn't want to...
makes me want to cry.


This organization does good work... this organization does good work... this organization does good work...

God does good work, God does good work, God does good work...