Happy Thanksgiving, sweet friends.

"Lord God, we render praise to you as our Creator and Sustainer,
as the spring of life and source of healing.
We praise you with lips that sing,
arms that embrace,
and feet that dance.
Our praise of you is spoken before the nations
and whispered in intimate love.
Our praise happens in rocking a baby, tending a patient,
affirming a student, hearing a client,
writing a letter, phoning a friend,
reaching out, holding,
listening, waiting,
offering all You have given to us to one another.
We praise you,
Lord God,
when we remember from whence we have come and to Whom we all soon will return."

I saw that on a blog today. I couldn't find the author- but I really love it.

I had a great Thanksgiving. A lovely normal day at work (funny, Bolivian offices don't seem to close for our American holidays...), but taking girls out for ice cream and a walk in the park, chilling on the couches knitting, completing one more interview for my independent study, and a hilarious staff meeting was just right and felt like a wonderful way to spend the holiday.

And they know enough about the holiday to just shake their heads and thank me when I informed them at work that "Estoy agradecida por TI... y TI... y por TI!" (I am thankful for you, and you, and you!). When I bid them all a "Feliz Día de Acción de Gracias (isn't that a cool translation?? The Day of Action of Giving Thanks)!!!!!!!!!!!" on my way out the door they rolled their eyes but returned the greeting :-).

And then I met up with the lovely Drew and Ann and John and Jenny for an impressively traditional American-style Thanksgiving feast. So perfect.

Hope all of your Thanksgivings were so wonderful, my amazing friends and family. I am so unbelievably blessed and grateful to get to have all of you in my life.

Emily' s College Thanksgivings...

Freshman year:

Here Mary and I are with our cute grandmothers at my house for our awesome Goldberg-Gottschalk Thanksgiving Celebration!

(I love friendships that involve each other's families, I love Mayr's family in particular, and I LOVED that we all gathered and gave thanks together that year.)


And my beautiful sister.

Sophomore year:

My mom, sister, and I met up in California to celebrate Thanksgiving with my mom's fam! My cousin Jenny threw a beautiful dinner and it was so great to connect with family we don't get to see enough. Here are my Goldberg Girls with Jen and her then-new baby Connor...

Cute family, beautiful table...

...and walking on the beach in November... gotta love CA.

Junior year:

The incredibly hospitable Kirschners hosted me and I got to spend awesome quality time with Christine, her boyfriend Luke, and got to meet all of her friends from high school and her family. So special to get to know all of them and it was a definite bonding experience for our friendship.

(Don't worry my love... you're going to be back with him so soon!!!)


So very much to give thanks for.

I Love The Mosoj Yan Staff

Gladys (Albergue house psychologist and my BFF), me, and 2-yr-old Diana

Love them, love them, love them, love them. Their warmth, inclusivity, hard work with the girls, patience, and senses of humor have been an unspeakable highlight of my time here.


The Albergue women: Gladys, Maria Jesús, and Tomy ("Tomitaaa!")

Pics above are from the staff retreat earlier this month!:

• RossMary (my boss), Ariane (Mosoj Yan secretary and one of my closest friends here), and Danitza strike a pose, happy to be in Santa Cruz
• Ross and Ari participating in the staff talent show (it's... a long story...)
• Singing worship songs together on the first night of the retreat

I love seeing them do anything to love on these girls...

Chacho with Leni and Jamnaleth

Hermano Tino swimming with Maria Eugenia and Estefani on Albergue's special pool day

Gladys and Maria Eugenia are very excited about our pizza to celebrate October birthdays!!



...And I am so, so grateful for how they've accepted and loved me.

I love the staff meetings where they with great compassion talk about each girl individually, going over what her needs are and how they can work hard to meet them.

I love how they just raise their eyebrows and laugh the girls off when they try to get their own way- relying on senses of humor to keep the atmosphere light, but still managing to give the girls the stability they so need.

I love that the ENTIRE Mosoj Yan staff greets me with "AMIIIIGAAAA AMERICANNNNAAAA!!!!!!" every time they see me (that would be part of the long story from the retreat!), and that I always return it with "COMO ESTAN MIS AMIGOS BOLIVIAANNNOOSSS!!!!".

I love how we all crack each other up every morning, but as soon as we start praying everyone's heads are in their hands and their faces are furrowed and their voices heartfelt as they murmur, "Sí, Señor... sí, Señor". "Yes, Lord... yes, Lord... bless these girls."

I love that when they found out a girl had been lying, in the conversation where they called her out on it and arranged discipline, they kept repeating, "This is because te queremos mucho, hija"... because we all love you so much.

I love that the other night I sat around Ren for an hour with two of the women workers, talking about two of the girls we're the proudest of, in whom even in my short time here I have seen so much growth. That these women humbly refused to take credit but beamed as they discussed them... as Pamela put it, "Nada más necesitamos". We need nothing more.

I love in a different way, though, that when Carola (the other woman) and I went out to lunch the next day and talked about one of the girls who'd left the program, despite the fact that we had just been talking about their successes, about how many girls do so well in Mosoj Yan... just the thought of that one girl whose future she doesn't know, had her in tears. (I mean, I didn't love that she cried. But I love that she cares that much.)

And I love that a minute later, after drying her face with a napkin, she told me, "Emily, I know God can do ANYTHING with these girls, even the hardest case. Our job is to pray."


I am SO, so so so lucky to be a part of this organization and I am inspired every day by these faces.

"Doy gracias a Dios por su trabajo"- I give thanks to God for your work. What I wrote in my card to my "Secreto Amigo" on the retreat (like Secret Santa), but it could have been written to any of them.

Just Over Two Weeks Left.

Repite:

"...It is important to know that our emotional life is not the same as our spiritual life.
Our spiritual life is the life of the Spirit of God within us.
As we feel our emotions shift we must connect our spirits with the Spirit of God and remind ourselves that what we feel is not who we are.
We are and remain, whatever our moods, God's beloved children."

-Henri Nouwen

Here's a peek inside my brain right now:

I can't wait to leave. I don't want to leave for another year. It's going to feel so amazing to be home. What will I do at home? I GET TO SEE EVERYONE SOON!!! Am I going to be able to connect with them? I should have done so much differently. I could have done so much better. I love the people here so much. Do I even really know these people? Why didn't I get to know them better?

Why can't I cry? I hear about 12 year olds being raped and I can't cry? Why can't I stop crying? That Grey's Anatomy episode/blog article/random song on my iTunes shuffle was not that sad! But I can't stop crying...

These girls are so beautiful. Oh God, I want such good things for their lives. What are their lives going to look like? How can I leave when I don't know what their lives are going to look like?

I can't stop crying.

Are their lives going to be good? Will they be warm and safe and have jobs they enjoy and stable partners and inner peace and a sense of worth? Did they internalize what Mosoj Yan taught them? Oh Lord, keep them safe, keep them happy.

I can't stop crying...

Why didn't I ask the office staff out for coffee sooner? Why didn't I practice grammar? Why didn't I pray for the girls by name more often? Will anyone here remember me?

I spent most of the last 5 1/2 months longing for home.
I will be overjoyed to be there.
I spent the last 5 1/2 months laughing, dance partying, being hugged and held, learning, loving deeply, internalizing.
I don't want to leave here.

...I'm going to make everyone so freakin' uncomfortable when I spend the whole next semester CRYING!!!

I don't know how to do this.
I don't know how to explain this.
Six months doesn't seem to justify
this much love or this much pain or this much confusion.
I learned a long time ago, though,
that waiting to justify your emotions
doesn't work all that well.

I am blessed beyond measure.
This time was a gift.
My life at home is a gift.
Lord, when I know not what else to do, make me grateful,
because whatever kind of hot mess I am,
I have so much for which to give thanks.
This,
in the midst of the craziness,
I do know.
Make me cling to that-
lead me to give thanks
when I don't know what else to do...

I think I might not know what to do
for awhile.

(That scares me.)

But this time was a gift.
I believe it and I will repeat it.

I want to go home,
but I am going to miss this place and these people.
That's okay. But it's confusing.

And I can't stop crying.

Right now,
I am actively grateful
for the quote printed at the top,
and the fact
that He is so constant
when I am not.


"When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay."

"...The Lord your God is with you,
He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.
With His love,
He will calm all your fears.
He will rejoice over you with joyful songs."

Zephaniah 3:16-18

"You dance over me, while I am unaware
You sing all around, but I never hear a sound
Lord, I'm amazed by You
Lord, I'm amazed by You
Lord, I'm amazed by You...
how You love me."

-Desperation Worship Band

Praying to remember these words today.
Hoping they bless you all as well...

HNGR VACA!!!!!!!!!!

I had the freaking sweetest luck with HNGR placements ever... for, well, a variety of reasons... but one really important one is that being placed in Bolivia meant my beautiful friend Christine was only one country away!!! She has been working with Paz y Esperanza in Andahyluas, Peru as a HNGR intern since June as well. We had been eagerly planning the prospect of a "HNGR Vacation" together since before we even knew if we'd been accepted to the program, and we were thrilled to actually make this dream a reality when in late October we met up for 10 blissful days of relaxation, rejuvenation, processing, praying, laughing, and crying.

This picture was taken about an hour after we were reunited at the La Paz airport. After hugging and crying for about ten straight minutes (haha you think I'm kidding...), we grabbed our bags, headed straight for the nearest café, and ordered whatever chocolate cake they had on the menu. (We couldn't decide between two varieties, so we ordered both!) This pretty much represents how we spent a LARGE portion of our time. We got the most decadent dessert available at EVERY place we went to... EVERY single day.

Here Christine is in our cute hostal room, where we stayed the first night...

So happy to be together after five months!!


We had a blast exploring La Paz!!! I'd never been there before, and every city in Bolivia really is so different.


We sheepishly confessed to each other that for whatever reason, we were both CRAVING to see a movie. A real movie. In English. In a movie theater. Some sort of lame, Hollywood, boy-meets-girl, pop-music soundtrack, movie. And so we found a movie theater in La Paz and went... and FREAKED OUT.

"WE'RE IN A REAL LIVE MOVIE THEATERRR!!"

Talk about culture shock!!! First off, this theater puts most American theaters to shame- it was massive. When after almost five months of South American life we walked in and saw the CARPETED floors, the neon lights, the fast food everywhere, our jaws dropped and our palms started sweating and we tried to remember how to be Americans... it was a little insane. It makes me kind of scared for what's going to happen the first time I go to Target...


We spent most of our time in La Paz staying with some friends of Christine's family, the Kittelsons, who are missionaries there. They are wonderful and were unbelievably hospitable to us. We loved getting to know them!!



We went on a bunch of great hikes...

Including getting caught in a rainstorm one time! (It was well worth it.)

Breathtaking views with a precious friend. Is there much better?

After five days in La Paz, we headed off to Copacabana, a small town about three hours (by both bus and boat!) away, which is right on Lago Titicaca- the highest lake in the world. And in my opinion, maybe the most beautiful. There, we spent five more days, taking long walks together along the edge of this:

(I know right!)


And doing a whole lot of this:

(And eating more chocolate at every opportunity.)

Does it get much better?

Anyway... the trip was absolutely incredible. The Kittelsons were perfect hosts, La Paz was a blast, Copacabana was absolutely gorgeous.

But honestly, I think that had we been staying in a tiny motel room in an alley somewhere and it had rained the whole week, I still would have been totally happy. The best part was just being with Christine. We got to share our hearts, tell some of the stories we've heard here, laugh together over the joys and goofs of the last few months. We got to cry over our own failings that we've come face to face with as we've lived out of our comfort zones, over how much we miss our friends and family back home, over the injustices and horrors we have seen and heard and not been able to do anything about. We were able to affirm, enjoy, and pray for each other, and speak God's truth to each other's hearts- that He could not love us more even if we had been "the perfect HNGR interns". That He is doing more than we can see or imagine, in the lives of the people that we have grown to love so much here, and in our own. That there is fruit in both of our hearts and lives from this time, and there will be more.

It was a priceless, priceless trip, and it will be one of my favorite memories forever. I could not be more grateful to have gotten to do it, and to have gotten to share that time with one of my best friends.

I love you so much, Christine!!!!! Thank you for sharing this time and your heart with me, and thank you for encouraging mine more than I could ever say.

I LOVE YOU CHARIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Best (12-year-old) Surrogate Sister EVER!!!!!!!!!!

And I love the rest of the gang too!!!!! (Best Surrogate Brother and 8 year old Surrogate Sister)

No newness yet

A prayer of Walter Brueggemann

You are the God who makes all things new.

We gladly raise our voices and move our lips
to acknowledge, celebrate, and proclaim
your staggering newness.

As we do so, we hold in our hearts
deep awareness of all the places where your newness
is not visible, and
has not yet come.

Our hearts link to many places of wretchedness
short of your newness.

We picture folks at home,
sick, in pain, disabled, paralyzed
(we name Frank),
and no newness yet.

We know up close the deep wretchedness
of poverty, of homelessness, of hunger
and no newness yet.

Move our hearts closer to the passion of our lips.

Move our lips closer to your own newness.

Work your newness in hidden, cunning ways among us.

Move us closer to your bodied newness in Jesus,
newness of strength come in weakness,
newness of wisdom come in foolishness.

Draw us from the wretchedness we know
to his scarred, bloody wretchedness
that is your odd entry of newness into our life.

We pray in the name of his suffering newness.

Amen.

Hat tip: Beautiful Bree, Current HNGR Intern in Rwanda

Sigh...

Does anyone else think it's weird that I am able to talk about adolescent girls' perceptions of sexuality and their bodies for a good half hour in Spanish totally (well or really close to totally) comfortably, happily, without stress, responding to questions, and with everyone acting like they totally know what I'm talking about...

but when I try to give directions to the taxi driver like "Please turn left here", he looks at me like I'm crazy?

Totally serious.

I guess that fits though, huh.

Made. Me. LAUGHHH.

I got to sleep at Albergue every night this week! I really like that schedule (although I miss my host fam)... after dinner and chores it's pretty chill, we get to watch a movie or go to a nearby playground to play basketball. The girls are more relaxed at night and also a little bit crazy... everyone being exhausted can contribute to some quite hilariously loopy conversations and of course, mad dance parties (with loud, loud music... since I'm the only "staff" in the house in these times, and I happen to prefer it that way. Mwahaha.)

And it is just a special thing, to be there at night, too. It feels deeper somehow... some of the most profound or "real" conversations have been as I go sit on the edge of one of the girls' beds to kiss them goodnight. What a privilege to be the last one to say goodnight and God bless you and sweet dreams, to get to "tuck in" girls who maybe didn't get that at home.

Andddd... then I have my days FREE! Yayuh.

There is, however, also the stressful side of it. Going from days to nights means that I go from being the cool big-sistery person whose SOLE JOB is to hang out and do whatever with the girls, to being the medication-dispenser, chore-taskmaster, and bedtime-enforcer. This isn't BAD, but it is different and my people-pleasing self gets pretty stressed out about it. And unfortunately, the girls definitely know how to manipulate that. It's a longer story than that and it's in a good place right now, but it was frrrrustrating at points this week.

Just to illustrate the point (and because it made me laugh when I figured it out): I recently took an absolutely amazing vacation with my beautiful friend Christine Kirschner, who is a HNGR intern in Peru- HUGE blog post coming on that once I load the pics. But anyway, I noticed that our accents when we spoke Spanish were pretty different (even after accounting for the fact that her Spanish is 8 million times better than mine)... I noticed that compared to hers, my Spanish tends to have a kind of sing-song rhythm, and my syllables are really drawn out. Hm, I thought. I wonder if that's the "Cochabamba" accent.

And then I got back to work and noticed something one night...
"Hermaaaaaaaana, porque no podemos miraaaaaarrrrrr unaaa más pelííículaaaaa???" ("Why can't we just watch oonneee more movieeee???"), followed by a large pout...

Yes. My job has ensured that I have learned to speak Spanish with the cadence of an Adolescent Whine. Wonderful.

OK so anyway, something that (at least I thought) was kind of hilarious happened the other night...

The reason I'm staying there all week is because the older woman who normally works nights is on vacation. She's adorable. Super sweet, very grandmotherly, great with the girls, etc.

So I'm sleeping in her room upstairs all week, which was very nice of her to let me do. The other night I was looking for a movie to put in for the girls on her nightstand.

And I noticed, lined up against the books, five wine corks.

Hm.

Maybe they're for decoration.

Maybe she collects them?

Orrr.... maybe this sweet little old lady who pats my cheek and wears glasses on a chain around her neck... wants to yank her hair out at the end of a whole night of "No really hermana, I'm going to do my chores in just five more minutes" too...

Ahhh... it cracked me up.

Prostitution.

It's an ugly word.

Earlier this year, I was driving with my wonderful friends Kari, Nate, and Alex. We were listening to a Derek Webb CD.

The song "Wedding Dress" came on and Nate said he didn't like it.

I was surprised. Nate loves "D. Webb" as he calls him, and Wedding Dress is a popular song. It's been a favorite of mine for years. It has a beautiful melody and powerful lyrics: the writer describes seeking other things over God and coming back to Him.

But to do that, he uses the metaphor of a prostitute:
"I am a whore, I do confess
I put you on just like a wedding dress and I run down the aisle, run down the aisle to You".

I asked Nate why he didn't like the song. He pointed out that it portrays being a "whore" and a "prostitute" as a terrible sin, but so many of those who engage in prostitution do so out of desperation. It's an ugly word and a horrible profession, and to attach more shame to it is disgusting and unnecessary. As he put it in an email response to my request to tell this story here, "I understand that the word 'whore' there might be alluding specifically to Gomer (think Hosea and Christian female infatuation with Redeeming Love -which I haven't read so

can't judge). This is a place in Scripture where prostitution could be confused for putting God on 'just like a wedding dress and run[ning] down the aisle.' But otherwise, I think it plays into harmful attitudes about how prostitutes got to where they are."

I agreed with him during that conversation a year ago, and wondered at the regrettable word choice. But I still liked the song over all.

I know "prostitutes" now: people who had sex for money, food, or shelter.

They look a lot like middle- and high-school-aged girls, because that's what they are.

They get excited when the drink at breakfast is hot chocolate. They moan over their math homework and ask me to do it for them (I don't). They laugh uproariously as they choreograph dance routines with their friends to pop songs and loudly sing along with the words.
In the evenings they like to lay with their heads in my lap so I can rub their backs while we watch a movie.

I can't listen to that song anymore.

The language fun continues

Overheard at Albergue while some of the girls and I were doing laundry:

"...When the Señorita Emily arrived here, oh man, her Spanish was so FUNNY! She couldn't understand ANYTHING! And we couldn't understand anything she said, either."

(Great.)

"Since she couldn't really talk to us, she would just dance crazy all the time to make us laugh."

(What! They caught on to my strategy?! All this time I thought I was being so subtle...)

"...Whenever she wanted to ask us something, she would have to go through the Señorita Danae" (who GREW UP HERE as a missionary kid, which gave her a completely unfair advantage at being awesome at Spanish) "and Danae would translate to us, and then we'd talk to her and she'd translate back to Emily. Her Spanish was just SO FUNNY-"

"Gabi!"

"Sí, Emily?"

"You know I SPEAK SPANISH NOW, right? I can hear what you're saying."

"Oh, don't worry, Emily. Your Spanish is MUCH better now."

"Good. So it's not funny anymore?"

(Pause)

"Um... well, we can understand you now."

How nice of God, I didn't even pray specifically for humility but here He goes heapin' it on...

The fun of learning a second language...

Over dinner last week, some friends and I were talking about how Bolivian food is different from American food.

I told them that I had lost a significant amount of weight when I first got here because the food is so much fresher; I wasn´t eating any preservatives.

(Those of you who speak Spanish may see where this is going...)

I couldn´t remember the word for preservatives, but no matter, often an educated guess can be fairly accurate.

"Perdí muchos pesos, porque no estaba comiendo los preservativos..."

A few seconds of hysterical laughter later and I suddenly remembered...

The word for preservatives is "preservatífs".

"Preservativos" would be the Spanish word for "condoms".

Lovely...