In Protest of Fragmentation.

I spent a good amount of afternoons this fall walking through the leaves.










And enjoying every minute of it.

"...If you want to live life free,
take your time, go slowly.
Do few things, but do them well,
simple joys are holy."

Claire; or, I so know right.

An email from my beautiful BFF-since-9th-grade Claire included this conversation she's been having with herself. I connected deeply.

"...me: hm, i miss maryland and want to go back. maybe i could even go to school again sometime soon.

me: well that's fine claire, but you know it's going to be different and not like college time. also, you dont know what you're going to go to school for.

me: oh yeah thats a good point.

me: how about you go somewhere crazy then!?

me: okay! buuut...maybe i don't want to.

me: fine let's just worry about this later, shall we?

me: wahoo!"

Affirm. Oh post-college life.

(I freakin' love that girl...)

Pics courtesy of a day trip Chris, Claire, and I took during our wonderful 08 summer of love. PS, can you believe how blue her eyes are?? (She's gonna be so mad at me when she reads this. ;-))

.uselessness.

i've been touched by this this week.

"...His life taken from Him in the ugliest of executions-
what a waste it looked!
His life was poured out in intentional uselessness,
like the expensive ointment the woman poured out on His head.

Some of us are indignant at the waste, like Judas was.

Some of us are envious of her- at least she had the ointment.

We would like to have something to give, to pour out for love of Him, but we don't have even that. It seems we don't have anything.

Nothing to offer except our uselessness, and our choice to be with Him:
and that is a choice that no one but Him is likely to put any value on."

-from Celtic Daily Prayer's Aidan readings

and oh, how He puts value on it.

love, great dinners out with friends, and the difference between guys and girls.

I went out to dinner last night with my awesome friends Steve and Tamara. Steve and Tamara are DATING. Steve and Tamara are I-N L-O-V-E. Like for real for real, and it's been incredibly beautiful and wonderful to watch it unfold over the last year.

So last night we're out to dinner and every so often they will reference something about their future together. Like holidays will come up and they're trying to figure out where they will be, weddings will come up, and the phrase "Ours should be like..." will be said, or infertility will come up and "Well we'd probably adopt..." gets said (I'm not sure how all those topics came up over a chill dinner at a Mongolian grill, but they did).

It inspires in me a healthy dose of making fun of them combined with some OMIGOSHMYBEAUTIFULFRIENDISINLOVEFORREALWITHTHISAWESOMEGUYANDTHEY'REGOINGTOGETMARRIEDDDD!!!! giddy disbelief and joy as I watch Tam's face radiate when she looks at Steve... not even to mention the way he looks at her.

Yeah, I'm a sap.

So moving on. We're eating our spicy bowls of awesomeness and we are, in fact, discussing infertility which leads to adoption which leads to foster care. So Tamara and I get into this like, legit discussion about foster care. How important it is for Christians to be involved in, how Focus on the Family's new adoption incentives have reduced the number of kids waiting for families in Colorado in half, how we really want to make it a priority in our adult lives but also omigosh is it ever a big deal...

Anyway, Steve is kind of half in the conversation and doodling on his napkin. We're like, Steve, so what do you think.

He looks up. "Huh? Oh... sorry, I wasn't paying attention." We look at his napkin and he looks sheepish.

"Yeah, well... I was just thinking... you know how sometimes when people get married, they get stuff with their initials on them? Like, the last initial in the middle, and then the husband and wife's initials on either side? I was just figuring out how ours would look..."

AWWWWW, Tamara and I make isn't-he-cute faces at each other...

"And look," he continues, and shows us what he's drawn...

S H T

"...If you add just one letter to ours, it would spell-"

And, that is the difference between guys and girls.

We ran the half-marathon and it was freaking awesome.

Christine, Luke, Christine's fam, Meghan and I dressed up in costume to run the Chicago Monster Half-Marathon on Halloween morning. 13.1 miles baby!!! It was so much fun. Five days later and my knees are still enjoying shouting their existence to me all the day long... but it was so worth it. :-)

Go Luke and Christine go!

And I'm off...

The proud husband after the race! These are my dear friends Meghan and Josh. Meghan can run 13 miles and still look this gorgeous. It's kind of unfair. (And then she graciously hosted 10 of us that night in her apartment for small group!!! I love that girl.)

The costumes were fun, but the weeks of training, the day itself and the people were definitely the most "Incredible" part (hahaha... our costumes... get it?).

I love my girls! Here we are, excited and ready to run at 6:30 in the morning.

i love this work.

"sit with me and tell me once again...
why our thinking and creating
and our efforts at narrating
about the beauty, of the beauty
why it matters...

...with its beauty,

how it matters.
how it matters."

-sara groves, "why it matters"

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness.

For we do not know what to pray for as we ought,
but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.
And He who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit,
because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

Romans 8:26-27

My sister saw Obama in person.

AND shook his hand.

Beautiful red-headed girl in gray sweatshirt, in first photo above and almost all the way to the left, in second directly above him with her fist raised.

She was a wee bit excited about it... (the phrase "best day of my life" was heard. And the email including the photos was titled, "Your sister is best friends with the president!!!!").

Dang do I love that girl!

Eucharist.

I love taking Communion- at my church we call it the Eucharist- more than virtually anything else. "This is My body. This is My blood." It is intimacy with God. And it is tangible and unconditional to how I feel or what I can say. This hard numb year, that tangible, unconditional, every-week intimacy with God was more important than I could ever express.

A couple of months ago, I started helping to serve the Eucharist at church. For fifteen straight minutes, I get to repeat, "The blood of Christ, the cup of salvation" over and over, as people drink wine and receive it- receive Him. I am strengthened by doing this more than I ever predicted.

At our church even small children can take Communion if they've been baptized. I was curious as to what the rationale behind this was, and so I picked up a little informational booklet on the topic. The explanation given moved me a ton. I may be 22, but I think this applies to adults completely as well.

"Psychologists have helped us to see that there is a level of human understanding... that is non-verbal and non-rational. We now know that this unconscious level responds to reality as it is conveyed by means of symbolic forms and actions...
Children experience much that they cannot verbally articulate. We do not delay the first bath until the child understands hygiene, nor do we require knowledge of nutrition prior to the first meal.
The child experiences many baths and many meals- really experiences them- and at the most basic human level apprehends their meaning through the experience. Children may not understand the Holy Communion, but they certainly understand acceptance and rejection.

What we as adults need to understand is that all our intellectual articulations about this sacrament are but feeble human attempts to comprehend the basic mystery of God's unconditional loving acceptance of us, His children.
Reception of the sacrament by those among us who don't "understand" as we "understand" should serve as a reminder to us that we must always experience grace before we can talk truly about it."

-from "Why Children Receive Communion", Rev. Ronald Fisher

other glories.

My sweet friend sits on my couch and cries, for the kids she loves so deeply and works so hard to help. For the lives they return to every night after they leave the after-school program she runs: lives of absent parents, of poverty, of drugs and violence. She cries, and there is no solution to tell her. I hold her hand and she tells me their stories and I hear in her voice and her tears the same realization I am coming to.

So often after a visit full of laughter and finger-painting, when an 18-month-old runs to hug my legs when I walk in the door or a two-year-old knows all his colors, when I make a run to the dentist to act as translator or we successfully get a mom her insurance card, I get that rush of exultation. "YES! This is why I do this job, this is what it's all about."

Except that last week I sat at a kitchen table, while a strong and capable mom wept. They left Mexico because it is so violent, she tells me, they could not let their children grow up there, scared to leave the house. But here they are, without papers, without rights, without money. Without language, without their families- it is too dangerous to go back to visit even a relative dying of cancer, even for a beloved sister's wedding. She weeps with me, finally, this mom whose adorable and thriving kids come home every day to a clean house and her warm hug and help with their homework, because she does everything to protect them. I hold her hand, too... I grasp and pray for something helpful. I tell her she's a good mom... and then I finally just tell her that I'm sorry. And then we just sit together. I have no words for her, either.

Later, in my car, I am silent, even to myself and to God. Because she did not say, "And then, you came and started doing educational activities with my toddler and now our lives are SO MUCH BETTER!!!!".

Yes, it is a good thing, it is an addition. Tamara's after-school program is a good thing, it is an addition. But my "This is what it's all about, this is why we do these jobs!" mindset is changing. It has to be. Because then what do we have, when the strong mom is finally weeping with me about how she doesn't think she can take it anymore- and I have no power to get them the immigration papers they need to make a real better life? What do we have when Tamara helps the kids with their homework- and then they go home to filth and alcohol? If it's "all about" when we win, is it worthless when we can't?


If our hope is based on success, it will fail. Mine did, after Bolivia. I had thought that I was a hopeful person; no. I was optimistic. They are not the same thing. I'm still figuring out what hope is. But it can't be optimism. Sometimes you have love and prayer and hard work- and young parents still weep and children are still not safe. Thank God that sometimes things are made better on earth. But Lord, change my heart, that I fight Your battles because they are Yours, not because I will win. Show us Your heart, here.

Give me gratitude for the privilege of participating.

Give us strength to continue, and to find joy in the long defeat.

"i have joined the long defeat
that falling set in motion
and all my strength and energy
are raindrops in the ocean
so conditioned for the win
to share in victory's story
but in the place of ambition's din
i have heard of other glories."

-sara groves, "the long defeat"

Daybook: Oct 10

Outside My Window

First off, my window is OPEN and it smells like fall! Outside of it, just our side yard. It's dark out.

I am Listening to

Wind through the trees through the open window. And some traffic in the distance.

I am Wearing

Jeans, olive green top.

I am So Grateful for

• Grace. The kind where I somehow am able to be calm and where/who I want to be for some brief time, when I need to be, completely to my amazement and humbled gratitude, because I KNOW it is so not something I would be capable of without tons of people's prayers. SUCH GRACE in the last few days. Omg. I am humbled and in awe... and SO GRATEFUL for grace I do not deserve. (Sorry if that's cryptic.)
  

• How awesome my parents/family are. I am so grateful to be their child and to have grown up in my home and to know them now as an adult and for who they are and to be who I am because of them. Wouldn't want anyone else.
  

• My new Sunday night SMALL GROUP!!!!!! Oh man what a joy and blessing these nights are rapidly becoming. I love these people who are meeting and the honesty they are sharing and how much laughter and vulnerability and acceptance there is in one room and how we all want such similar things for this group... oh. So so so great. I am so lucky.

I'm Pondering

See the Dillard quote from yesterday.

Since seeing "The Social Network" yesterday, I truly have been pondering how glad I am that my life is so much more meaningful than that of the creator of Facebook (at least according to that movie). Arrogant, but true (that I've been pondering it)... sorry.

I am Reading

I started The Cloister Walk today and am loving it so far.

I am Thinking

"The Benedictines believe that in every day there is time for prayer, work, study, and play." -from The Cloister Walk. Affirm, I'm excited to double check they're all happening in my days.

I am Creating
Hmm. Need to work on that.

I am Missing
My mom and Allie. A lot a lot.

(And for real... too many other people to mention. A lot of people I love live far away from me. If you are reading this, odds are good are that I miss you.)

On my iPod (actually, this week more in my car)

Can't stop listening to the new WEEPIES CD!!So good!

Towards Being Faithful In This Time

I'm trying to memorize Scripture before bed. I'm working on the Beatitudes. Mostly that's been wonderful and helpful. Except for the part where I haven't been as faithful with it as I should. Yell at me if I'm not next time you talk to me.

One Thing I Love About My Job Right Now

My coworkers!!!!! They are SO WONDERFUL.

One Thing I Love About My Living Situation Right Now

SO MUCH. Seriously. They deserve their whole own post. Um, but one thing... I love the hard and really worthwhile and beautiful work that living, really living, with other people is. When you learn people's strengths and weaknesses and they learn yours (yikes) and you learn how to love each other and accept each other and live well together. So special and good.

One Thing I Love About Wheaton Life Right Now

Small group. Rez. Fall activities with different awesome groups of friends. Fall. Work. Everything? Did I just write that?

One Thing I Love About My Church Right Now

Just one? Nope. Spanish service. GIVING COMMUNION. TAKING COMMUNION. The meeting for Eucharist ministry we had on Thurs. My friends who go there.

I am Hoping and Praying

To spend good time with God this week.

From the Kitchen

I made Simply in Season's AWESOME Butternut Bisque for everyone who was over for pumpkin carving on Saturday. So good. Mine was not as good as when Kendra made it... we didn't have evaporated milk so I had to sub yogurt. But the recipe rocks. I will be repeating. (And it was fun to serve everyone homemade soup!)

One of my Favorite Things

Feeling like you are right where you are supposed to be, both in the joyful and painful parts.

A Few Plans for the Rest of the Week

Work, HNGR small group, HEATHER IS VISITING!!!!!!!

A Couple Picture Thoughts:

• My sweet stepsister and me picking out pumpkins this weekend. She will definitely get her own post sometime soon. She's pretty awesome.

• Everyone in our small group!! At a s'mores-making party at Lauren's a couple weeks ago... I look awkward in this pic but I like everyone in it so it is getting posted anyway.

a good life.

"There is no shortage of good days. It is good lives that are hard to come by.
A life of good days lived in the senses is not enough.
The life of sensation is the life of greed; it requires more and more.
The life of the spirit requires less and less; time is ample and its passage sweet.
Who would call a day spent reading a good day?
But a life spent reading- that is a good life.
A day that closely resembles every other day of the past ten or twenty years
does not suggest itself as a good one.
But who would not call Pasteur's life a good one, or Thomas Mann's?"

-Annie Dillard, The Writing Life

Making Fun of Chet

He said,

"Here, you can take my car to work today...

Sorry it's such a mess."

Ohhh, look... it's a water bottle in the front pocket...

...SUCH a mess. Geez Chet.

...But how much fun can we make of him?

Why were you driving Chet's car to work, Emily?

...maybe because I locked my keys in mine.
Where was my spare?
Oh, where you should always keep your spare key... in my purse with my main set.

Awesome prize: me.

Just for comparison's sake, here's what the back seat of the quite possibly slightly ADHD pre-school teacher's car looks like (as opposed to the above pictures of the SOFTWARE ENGINEER's car). Please note the picnic blanket, the finger-painting paper and the colorful, way-educational block toy.


I refuse to consider the possibility that there could be some connection between my spacial dealings in organized chaos, and my propensity to do things like lock my keys in my car. None whatsoever.

.131.

a good way to spend an afternoon.

(leaf: from Kari.)

O Israel, hope in the Lord,
from this time forth,
now and forever...

Annual Library Used-Book Sale

Total: $7.

Score!

Currently Pondering.

Thinking of these two quotes on a daily or multiple-times-daily basis these days,

• "They were helped in fighting them, and God handed the Hagrites and all their allies over to them, because they cried out to Him during the battle. He answered their prayers, because they trusted in Him." (1 Chronicles 5:20)

• "...The prayer preceding all prayers is, 'May it be the real I who speaks. May it be the real Thou that I speak to.'"

-C.S. Lewis

That second one I find myself praying so desperately, so many times a day. And then it's the realization of my inability to ensure it, that keeps leading me to the first.

HNGR goes apple picking

We gathered all the alumni from our HNGR class who are still in the area and went apple-picking on Sunday! (minus Jason who couldn't come and Lauren who met us for apple pie later!)

hiding roommate...

meg is hott (and her husband knows how to take sweet pics!)

hngr significant others were obviously invited as well :-)
(aww... they're wearing matching plaid!)

Great people. Great day :-)

(Have I mentioned I LOVE FALL??!!!!)

holding.

Re-post. 'Cause I miss those girls and still feel so lucky every single day that I got to know them. And because I've been re-thinking about this a lot lately.

"I spent the last six months cuddling with 15 Bolivian teenage girls. Really. It is a big joke among my HNGR class that every single one of my twice-monthly assessment letters included at least something about physical touch. But trust me, to leave it out would not have given a good picture of my time. Of course, it makes grad school applications somewhat complicated. "Description of Clinical Experience: Please list job title and responsibilities". Responsibilities... um... is there a way to make "Rubbed backs and braided hair" sound professional?...

I loved it. I loved every minute. Bolivian culture involves a lot of physical touch; these girls in particular were way affectionate. And plus hugging doesn't require perfect Spanish. But, it felt more important than that. Did, in holding these girls, I get to communicate to them that they were unconditionally accepted? Touch can say so much more than words sometimes. To feel held is such a big deal. Did loving touch from the staff and from me communicate safety to them, when before, physical contact had been a tool for their pain and harm?

Did they feel loved when we lightly touched their head or rubbed their back? When we cupped their cheek or tucked their hair behind their ear? Did they feel known, like they belonged? Was it easier, then, for them to visualize the love of God that Gonzalo told them about in devotionals every morning, Tino taught to them as he structured and organized their days, counseled them on work, disciplined them when necessary, that Gladys led them to in their counseling sessions?

One girl I literally spent probably an hour every day just cuddling on the couch with. She was a shyer one. She took awhile to warm up to me. But once we became friends, about half-way in, she wanted to be leaning on my shoulder or laying quietly with my arm around her as I chatted and laughed with everyone in the living room as much as possible. Mosoj Yan threw a goodbye dinner for me two days before I left, but I had forgotten some stuff at the house and had to run back the next day to grab it. I was going to try to make it a really quick trip in because I didn't want to have to see everyone again and start crying... "Yes, that's a good idea, don't let the girls see you. Maria Eugenia cried the whole night after you left." What did I even do that would be that important to her? I held her.

We receive love by having material needs being met: Mosoj Yan gave them good meals, clothing, warm and safe beds. We receive love by having hope and a future: Mosoj Yan teaches them skills, counsels them that they are worthwhile, works to get them education. We receive love through words: encouragement; through memories: laughter, dancing, pizza parties, good conversations.

And, we are bodies. We are physical bodies with physical needs, with needs to be touched and held and loved physically. At times when my language skills weren't enough but even more than that my brain and heart failed to be able to communicate to them how deep God's love for them is, how much I hated what had been done to them, every hope and dream I had for them... I could lovingly touch them. I could pray that as I held them they could receive that they were hold-able, acceptable, worth knowing and loving, deserving of more than abuse.

What a privilege, to be able to hold."

wonderful night.

windy fall outside, tamara drove in from the city, rooted around for a recipe using what i had and found this, rosie thomas pandora station,

a whole evening to do nothing but sit, talk, cook, eat, laugh, with one of my best friends of four years...

life is good.

Emily Is Excited About Fall

leavescolorhotchocolatepumpkinspicewarmthcozinesssweaterscuddlingspicecinnamonsmokejoylaughterfamilyfriendsapplesharvest

YES PLEASE

Perfect Early Autumn Salad

Although "salad" is misleading because there are no greens!
This was easy, filling, and delicious.

Waldorf Quinoa Salad (hence renamed, "Emily's Favorite Tastes Like Fall Meal!"):

2 C quinoa (quinoa, just in case you don't know, which I didn't until I lived in South America where it is super popular, is a grain-like complete protein... think if rice and barley had a love child)
4 1/2 C chicken broth
2 large apples, chopped (I used red)
2 C red seedless grapes, halved (I didn't halve them. Started to and it took way too long. It worked fine with them whole)
1 C craisins
Dash salt
1 C sliced almonds, or walnuts if preferred
6 T lemon juice (sounds like a lot but it was perfect)
4 T olive oil
8 oz blue cheese crumbles, or less if you're not a fan

1. Rinse quinoa well.
2. Put quinoa and chicken broth in a saucepan and bring to a boil.
3. Reduce heat and simmer until just cooked through, 20-25 minutes.
4. Fluff with a fork, cover, and let sit until cool* (*I didn't have time to let it cool and I actually liked it a lot with everything mixed in warm).
5. Mix in salt, apples, grapes, craisins, and almonds.
6. Drizzle lemon juice and olive oil and toss to coat.
7. Sprinkle liberally with blue cheese crumbles and mix in if desired.

IT WAS SO GOOD!!! I made it for Ryan and Kendra on Tuesday and we all really liked it... and Kendra noted it was the first family dinner I'd cooked where I wasn't constantly listing all the things I was going to do differently next time :-).

The quinoa cooked in the chicken broth is great (I like it that way much better than cooked in water... after six months in Bolivia it's taken me some time to be able to eat much quinoa, which makes it an even bigger deal that I liked this so much).

The fruit makes it rich and flavorful (and gives it the fall taste). The almonds are yummy and add extra protein (the whole thing is super protein-y! yay energy!). And the blue cheese. OMG. If you are a blue cheese fan, this is a great dish. The quinoa makes it super filling... we ate it with French bread and Trader Joe's $2 Chardonnay :-).

Yum!

"He loves Thee too little

who loves anything together with Thee,

which he loves not for Thy sake."

-from the Confessions of St. Augustine

So. Convicting.