.oregon scenes.

 

 

Give me one good reason you don't live here.

Second Oregon run...

...and first one alone. I had just an hour before sundown tonight and I laced up the shoes I bought over a year ago, that ran me through cancer and my girls and long dark dryness. I headed out, and up a hill...  this fall, they will run me through new everything and stretching into adulthood and flashes of vocation. I ran, up, and up... Oregon is not flat like Illinois, that is for sure.

It's the same me in the same shoes, same body feeling the same heartbeat thudding, same rhythm of steps grounding me here, in this place, as it always does no matter where "this place" may be. But I ran on larger, darker coarsely packed stones and asphalt, not a sidewalk or the packed-dirt prairie path. I ran next to vineyards (vineyards!) lying at the feet of mountains covered in pine trees, past fenced-in fields of long wheat pointing to the sky, as their farms blinked at me in the distance.

I know how I feel when I run and so running lets me know differences. Tonight as my body fell into its familiar rhythm, I could see what has changed. Hills not path. Vineyards not trees, pines not Pleasantville houses. I ran alone... no Meghan, no Chet.

Other differences, too, I hadn't known yet. I ran and was surprised at a peace: certain anxieties I ran with in Wheaton the last months don't seem as at home in this new setting. And I ran and found the heaviness settled around my heart: loneliness.  I ran up a hill I've never run before, alone, and remembered: I love it here, but I don't have years of history, I don't have my community.

I ran and cursed Christy Schweigert's voice in my head, our last HNGR small group night, when we gave each other challenges for the next year: "Press into Jesus when you are lonely. Turn the alone time you're going to have to have there, into solitude with Him". I did HNGR!! Half of my best friends moved away last year!! I did that already!! I know about finding Jesus in solitude, okay, I already learned that lesson!! Because I have it so down at 23... I turned a corner and ran past another field, another farm. I stopped and stared at the huge Oregon sky, gray clouds turned golden and the sun setting behind evergreens, turning their tips into dark, towering, beautiful silhouettes.

I ran and breathed and was thankful for my body, for these hills, these vineyards, adulthood, vocation, community to long for in grateful love, community to anticipate and reach out to. Thankful for Christy's words, for my God who will meet me this season in ways I can't yet see.

Driving my 8-year-old cousin to football practice.

Jack: "How do you say 'football' in Spanish?"

Me: "Fútbol americano".

"How do you say, 'running back'?"

"No idea."

"How do you say, 'Jack'?"

"Joaquim."

"How do you say, Luke?" (his best friend)

"Lucás."

"How do you say, Max?" (his other best friend)

I have no idea... "Um, Mateo."

He leans back in my passenger seat. "What would your name be if you could change it? Or would it still be Emily?"

"Mm, I think I like Emily. Would yours still be Jack?"

He ponders this, staring out the window. "No... I don't think so."

I think about the excitement in our extended family as emails went out when his mom and dad were choosing his name. He was the second baby in his generation (his dad is my first cousin). There have been four more since, and we love them all just as much, but the email-chains over name choices did die down somewhat after about number three. I remember hearing he would be Jack.

"Oh yeah? What would you change it to?"

He tilts his head to one side. "I think... probably 'Awesome'."

Grin. "I love it."

"Yeah. I'd change my last name to Awesome. And my middle name to The. But I'd leave my first name Jack." He grins, satisfied. "Yeah. Then my name would be Jack The Awesome. That would be good."

Can't say what a blessing it is to be living in the same town as them.

.grateful.

oh Lord,

You have searched me

and You know me.

You know when i sit and when i rise;

You perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out, and my lying down,

You are familiar in all my ways.

before a word is on my tongue,

You know it completely,

oh Lord.

You hem me in

behind, and before,

and You lay Your hand upon me.

such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain.

where can i go from Your spirit?

from Your presence, where can i flee?

if i go up to the heavens,

You are there,

if i make my bed in the depths,

You are there.

if i fly on the wings of the dawn,

if i settle on the far side of the sea,

even there,

Your hand will guide me,

Your right hand will hold me fast.

.psalm 139:1-10.

.oregon smells like pine trees.

"This day is Your gift to me;

i take it, Lord, from Your hand,

and thank You for the wonder of it."

-cdp.

"Listen,

...the heart-shackles are not, as you think,
death, illness, pain,
unrequited hope, not loneliness, but

lassitude, rue, vainglory, fear, anxiety,
selfishness."

-Mary Oliver,

"When the Roses Speak, I Pay Attention"

What is promised.

I read two quotes this week in two different places, echoing the same theme. They articulated something which has been rolling in my mind and heart, and I'm grateful for their words.

"It is a pagan idea to dwell on the possibility or impossibility of God's suspending the laws of the universe and working tricks and wonders and miracles... But it is a Christian idea to believe in God being constantly present and continually creating, if only we are open to Him." 

-Vincent Donovan, Christianity Rediscovered (a book I highly recommend, btw)- HT, Brittany :-)

and

"One of the many temptations[...] is to create reasons or explanations of what God is doing... We want a reason and if God won’t give us one, we’ll find one (or make one up)... We want reasons because we want our suffering to have a purpose... For example:

-God is setting up all the heathen and arrogant doctors for a great demonstration of his power by making our situation so impossible that they can’t deny that a miracle has occurred.

-God is punishing me for sin by causing my child to suffer.

-God is preparing me for a great ministry and using my child’s suffering as a “thorn in my flesh” to keep me humble...

-God is…, God is…, God is…

At times, it bears a striking resemblance to superstition. The only thing we can be confident that “God is…” is that God is working everything for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose."

 -Needy Parents blog.

Lauren Is Beautiful.

  

I love, love, loved getting to spend time with the lovely Lauren during her HNGR internship while I was in Bolivia.

She is doing an INCREDIBLE job loving on the girls, using her gifts of energy, warmth, "RA-ness", hard work and kindness to brighten their days and light up their lives. They adore her.

And even during times when it was stressful...

(This was us post running the house alone for a full weekend) 

 ...I absolutely LOVED getting to love on these girls with her.

 

I enjoyed and learned so much from her wisdom, thoughtfulness, desire to serve and strength of faith and character. And she is just really fun, great to stay up late pillow-talking with, and makes me laugh a LOT. It was such an amazing blessing to process stuff with her and be a part of her HNGR journey.

Thank you so much for loving on me and letting me into your time down there, Lo! I love you!

Check out her Cochabamba life and what she is thinking about here.

.praise.

"Lord God,

we render praise to You as our Creator and Sustainer,
as the spring of life and source of healing.
We praise You with lips that sing,
arms that embrace,
and feet that dance.
Our praise of You is spoken before the nations
and whispered in intimate love.
Our praise happens in rocking a baby, tending a patient,
affirming a student, hearing a client,
writing a letter, phoning a friend,
reaching out, holding,
listening, waiting,
offering all You have given to us to one another.
We praise You,
Lord God,
when we remember from whence we have come

and to Whom we all soon will return."

-author unknown

Joy, mystery, and overwhelming gratitude.

G-chat, February 14, 2011:

  4:07 AM me: HIIII

4:08 AM YOURE GETTING MARRIED

 Tamara: I KNOW!!!!!!

  AHHHH!!!!!!

4:09 AM me: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  TAMARAAAAAA

4:10 AM

  YOU ARE ENGAGEEDDD!!!!!

 Tamara: I KNoW!!! It was so incredible

 AHHHHH!!!!!!

 me: .......*choking up*

  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Tamara: I love you!!!!

 me: i love you

  SO much

  CONGRATULATIONS

  i am SOOOOOOOOOO proud of you guys

  and so happy.

 Tamara: YAY!!!!!!!!

 me: AH YAY!!!!

Six months later:

Just spent several hours at a rehearsal dinner celebrating and praising two of the people I respect, admire, and love most in the world.  One of my best friends in the world is about to become a wife.  I am exploding with joy,in awe at the love of God and His delight in giving good gifts,(and can not believe how lucky I am to have these kinds of people in my life).  Wedding pics will follow.

"As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one." Ephesians 5:31-32

.goodbye wheaton.

***

Quote of the week:

Lisa walks in last night, looks at my stuff all over the living room floor, turns to her five-year-old and says

"Look, Joseph. Aunt Emily's moving tomorrow, isn't that hilarious?"

***

 Goodbye lunch with Luke and Christine.

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following Your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that my desire to please You does in fact please You.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this You will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust You always...
I will not fear,
for You are ever with me.

-merton.

.body.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters,

in view of God’s mercy,

to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—

this is your true and proper worship.

Romans 12:1

No way I'd rather be using mine.

Two stories and some leaving pics.

1. We are out to lunch and I am idly playing with the hair of the girl next to me as I eat my papas fritas. She leans her head on my shoulder and I look up in surprise a minute later when I feel something wet. She´s picking at her tomato salad diligently but tears are slowly leaking out of her eyes onto my arm. I cast a confused glance at Chacho; he concernedly shrugs back. Can I take her over there, I ask with my eyes and a toss of my head, and he nods.

"Want to walk with me for a minute?" I whisper, and she nods and stands up. I take her hand and we wander a few feet away, to out of sight of the rest of the girls around a corner.

I hug her and she burrows into my neck, still crying.

"What´s up, babe?"

She doesn´t say anything, just shakes her head and stays buried into me.

"Anything happen, or just a sad day?"

She pulls back, shrugs, wipes her eyes.

"I just don´t want to be here."

"Here, like out to lunch? Here at Albergue?"

"I just..." she starts crying again. "I don´t want to be in Bolivia. I want to go far away."

She is 14. She is an orphan. She´s slept under bridges, been bounced around from center to center in the city before landing here. In the house, she is a cheerful presence, laughing and making jokes constantly (she is the one who rubbed flour on her face and announced she was American). She always does her chores without being asked.

"I want to go somewhere far away"... I know that feeling. Don´t we all have days like that? I have no idea what to say. I tell her I feel like that sometimes, too. And I think to myself goodness knows I felt like that at 14 often enough.

What do I need when I feel this way, I pray desperately. I try to channel my mother. I pull this girl close and kiss the top of her head. I rub her back in slow circles and murmur whatever comforting sounds I can think of into her hair.

"I´m sorry you´re sad. We all love you so much and we´re so glad you´re here."

Is it too cheesy to give her a Bible verse... is it forcing faith down her throat, minimizing her pain? But this is the real thing I think of when I feel this way, that I want to be nowhere or anywhere but here, that my emotional clothes don't fit.

"Can I tell you something from the Bible?"

She nods into my shoulder.

"One of my favorite verses says, ´Lord, You are our home.´ Sometimes I feel like that too... like I want to be anywhere but here, like I just want to go somewhere new and start over. Like just... aahhh!" I let go of her and dance like a crazy person for a second, shaking my body and head, trying to convey the whole, 'Nothing works and everything sucks!' feeling. She laughs. "And when I feel that way, I try to think of that. The Lord is our home. He is our house," (I noticed this week that the Spanish Bible translates Psalm 90:1 as "nuestra casa"- literally, our house). I lean my head over my knees and fold my arms up, trying to get the point across of hiding in God, and also still trying to make her laugh. "...I try to imagine I can actually just live in Him, when I don't feel like I live anywhere."

She wipes her face and smiles a little, and nods. I go back to hugging her and we kind of rock for a minute.

"OK. I'm ready to go back now."

"Okay, honey."

**********************

2. The girls have BIEBER FEVER. It is ALL about Justin Bieber. We listen to him every morning as we do chores and every afternoon as we hang out outside and they frequently ask us to translate lyrics- this is, for the record, the mark of truly great lyrical talent, if the translation from English to Spanish is exactly the same: ("Oh, oh, oh, baby, baby..."). And the other night I got asked in total seriousness for his email address. Cause you know, Justin and I are bffl.

Yesterday morning was my last breakfast in the house. I am sad and quiet, but trying to be cheerful. The girls have been telling me how sad they are, too. "Hermana, please don't leave." "Hermana, when can you come back?".

Justin is playing over the CD player as we eat our bread and tea... I have an idea.

"Hey, girls. What if I called you next week and said, Hey, I'm coming back to Albergue for a year..."

"YEAH!!!"

"...OR, I told you that I could send Justin to be here at Albergue for a year. Me. Or Justin. Who would you choose?"

There is silence at the breakfast table. The girls stare at each other. Finally one clears her throat and offers...

"Um... could we maybe... have both of you?"

**********************

I had the absolute coolest goodbye party at the Cochabamba airport. All the other travelers were totally jealous.

 

 

Man do I miss them already.

So so so so so thankful for these past two weeks and all of these beautiful faces.

.happy emily.

.y algunas mas.

We spent a whole morning this week baking bread. The smell of bread dough is such a happy smell. There´s a huge bowl of it that everyone digs into, pulls out handfuls, and you cup your hand in a very specific motion (which I have had taught to me 800 times and apparently still do it wrong) and roll it into a floury ball. Mmm.

One of the girls, post flour-fight :-), comes up to Lauren with her white powdery face: "Look, I´m from your country!!".

My potato peeling skills are coming back in spades. Heck yes. All in one strip baby. And that is called living in Bolivia.

I went with Hermana Tomi, one of the girls, and her 4-month-old to the baby´s doctor´s appointment. I carried the baby in a sling Bolivian-style the whole time. Loved it.

Did I mention pineapple off the street here rocks? It does.

I loved visiting my host parents last weekend (a post in and of itself): but I LOVE living at the house. It is much less stressful to be centered in one place for me.


"when i am afraid, i put my trust in You; in God, whose Word i praise; in God i trust, i shall not be afraid."I love that passage and have journaled it a bunch recently. I was thinking about it a few days ago in relation to my own life and fears; which was important and great. But I thought about it in a different way when one of the girls was scared to get into bed because she thought someone could get in the house.

I rocked a three-week old baby to sleep the other day. I prayed out loud over him, reading from a Spanish Bible one of my favorite passages to pray for someone, from Ephesians 1: "Le pido al Dios de nuestro Señor Jesucristo, es decir, al Padre maravilloso, que les dé su Espíritu, para que sean sabios y puedan entender cómo es Dios. También le pido a Dios que les haga comprender con claridad el gran valor de la esperanza a la que han sido llamados, y de la salvación que él ha dado a los que son suyos. Pido también que entiendan bien el gran poder con que Dios nos ayuda en todo." "I ask that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe."

I went to visit el Centro de Motivacion yesterday. That´s the first step of the Mosoj Yan process- it´s a day drop-in center for girls who are still living on the streets. They can come in, get lunch, a shower, do a craft, nap... there are Bible studies, art projects, a psychologist... and the staff just love on them, and talk to them about Mosoj Yan and explain that if they want to take the next step to change their life they can work on moving into one of the other centers (which involves rules and a basic commitment to following them, hence why some girls don´t want to).
I spent some time there at the end of my time in 09, and I interviewed girls there for my independent study, but I haven´t spent a ton of time there. But yesterday I had the same deep feeling in my heart and my gut that I always got when I was there last time too... there is just something so special about that center and those girls. That staff is in it. In it, in it, in it. We have girls (and I do mean girls, as in, 10-16 years old) who come in, hang out all day, then head for the bathroom mirror to do their faces up and go back out to work the streets. Yesterday I sat in the living room with them watching a movie as three of the girls slept on mats on the floor. They are dirty, I mean literally, there is dirt on their skin and faces. They have nowhere to go. They have no one. When they leave they go sleep under a bridge. No one knows where they are. Fourteen years old. I looked at one of them and just thought about myself at 14... and how many needs for safety and parenting I had (have!), and how different our lives are. I prayed and prayed but what is there to say?
The staff there are amazing. They love them and hug them and talk to them and find out their stories and make them feel welcome. They pray and pray and pray over them.
They (the staff) go out on the streets at night and early in the mornings- I´ve been before, once, out when they go searching for girls. They get to know the groups of kids at the different corners. The kids feel known by them. They just head out, talk to them, search for them, invite them to come, hug them and call them by name.
If I were coming back I think I´d want to spend more of my time with the Motivacion team and getting to know their work.

I´m going to be really sad to leave.

.bits.

Lauren and I stayed in the house with the girls all weekend. It was a blast (althoughhh we were pretty happy to see the full-time staff this morning I think.) Saturday night after church we let them have a "piyamada"- a sleepover. We watched a movie, made popcorn, and all the girls slept in the living room together. In the past I´ve slept in there with them... but we looked at each other when they were still up and chatty at 2 AM and headed to bed. We then let them sleep in/watch TV until about 10 Sunday morning. And Sunday was honestly a virtually perfect day in my book... after we all got up and had brunchish, we hung around the house cooking and dancing, ate lunch, played cards, did a workshop with the girls on discovering their and others´ ´love languages´, baked "American desserts" (chocolate chip cookies and brownies), played soccer at a nearby park, and they all on their own initiative agreed it would be a good idea to go to bed early. Rock. Star. Day.


I love this work.


I´ve been trying to grab one-on-one moments with the girls where I can... taking one with me to get bread from the tienda next door, washing dishes with another. I love one-on-one time.


I am trying not to say "my girls". I am so glad to be here but I am also very aware that two weeks is not six months. I´m so excited for Lauren to get to continue to form these relationships with them.


In staff devotionals today we read Psalm 91. It´s beautiful in Spanish and in English.


Have I mentioned how much I love the staff?


We have a beautiful girl here who is too young to have her driving learner´s permit in the States. A few months ago she birthed a perfect baby girl... by a member of her immediate family.
The other day I passed by her room and glimpsed her lying on her side on the bed. I knocked and walked in. She turned over and smiled at me. I saw that she was lying on her side facing her baby, who was laying on her blanket and smiling open-mouthed up at her mom. "Look, hermana. Isn´t my little girl so beautiful? Look at her eyes. Aren´t they so beautiful?" She turned back to smiling and cooing at her baby. "Mira, hija! Mira! Donde esta Mami? Donde estoy?" She laughed and gave her kisses on her face.
This morning at the staff meeting we discussed how we´ve never seen even a moment of anything other than responsible care and concern and affection and joy from her over her child.


I´m obsessed with the book Gracias by Henri Nouwen. I want to memorize every other page.


The cell phone ringtone of Hermano Tino, the director of Albergue, one of the kindest and most respectful, faith-filled men I know, is "Hey, Soul Sister" by Train.