mistakes and flowers.

i messed up at work last week. i got stage fright in an important meeting and totally choked on explaining details that mattered. i recovered, other people covered for me and the person most affected by the outcome of the meeting had way more important things to deal with and i doubt even noticed.

but i was SO UPSET.

i did the things i think we should do when we make mistakes:

i fixed it as best i could.

i owned it in the debrief, and i apologized sincerely.

i am genuinely feeling better about it today, because i didn't make the same mistake at a meeting this morning.

even though officially all is well,

i'm working on some ways to fix it even more in the days to follow.

but.

i really, really hate making mistakes.

i SUCK at keeping my "mistakes are good" rule in my own heart. 

i'm realizing more and more what a strange, closet perfectionist i am. i hide it because i am totally fine with being nothing close to perfect or best at things i don't care about, or don't think i should be good at.

i don't care about running fast, getting especially high grades, sewing straight seams, and i clearly don't care about cleaning my house before people come over. i enthusiastically speak my undoubtedly grammatically incorrect Spanish to every patient Mexican friend or acquaintance i have. i invite everyone and their mom over to try recipes i've never made before, figuring that if i wreck it i can just order us all pizza.

i can even give myself a decent amount of learning curve space with something brand new... 

but a mistake in an area important to me,

that i "shouldn't" have made?

i will lie awake at nights, man.

i've been ruminating on how maybe the most effective way to teach my girls that mistakes are good and God loves us when we make mistakes,

is not necessarily making them repeat it over and over,

but letting them see me make mistakes and be truly okay with them.

sooo... it would probably be easiest to "let them see me" do something...

that i actually can do.

i guess i should continue this "hard look" process at what feels so very not okay to me about making mistakes.

i'll keep y'all posted.

******

stories from two important people in my life helped me the next day.

i spoke on the phone with a close friend, one of the most intelligent and hard-working people i know. he sympathized with my story, mentioning casually he'd made a mistake at work last week too.

his mistake cost his company the amount of money that could buy...

could buy...

it's significantly more than i made in an entire year at my first full-time job. the one that was a good job with benefits.

hurray for what Brene Brown calls the shame-defeating power of "me, too"...

and miss hannah took a rough spill off her bike this week :-(.

involving lots of blood, a possibly broken tailbone, a sprained thumb,

and a trip to urgent care.

my poor baby!

amy asked her if she was going to be scared to ride her bike again.

"...She looked at me like i was crazy and said, "Um, no! Riding my bike is fun. I just need to learn how to use my hand breaks better."

girlfriend inspires me.

*****

back to work, lady.

mistakes are good because they're how we learn.

god loves us even when we make mistakes,

and can redeem them all

no matter how many or few zeros were attached.

riding my bike (or sewing, cooking, hostessing, therapizing, or meeting-facilitating) is fun.

i just need to learn to use my handbreaks better.

i'll keep practicing,

and then i will continue to enjoy the ride.

********

ps.

i still really, really hate making mistakes. i wish i were perfect.

*******

and on another note,

here are some pictures of recent major perks of a part-time job gardening.