Sunday, April 29, 2012

.oh! the depth of the riches.



Oh,
the depth
of the riches
and wisdom
and knowledge
of God!

How unsearchable are His judgments
and how inscrutable His ways!

For who has known the mind of the Lord,
or who has been His counselor?

Or who has given a gift to Him
that He might be repaid?

For from Him and through Him and to Him
are all things.

To Him be glory forever.
Amen.

Romans 11:33-36

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Oh snap.


Who just finished her first year of grad school.



 At our program banquet in Portland last weekend;
our clinical skills group with our amazing mentor at our goodbye party on Wedneday.

Pressing Send on the last emailed assignment and closing Word tonight felt amazing.

Now off to WHEATON for eight whole days!!!!

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Manna.


Breathing Exodus 16 this week.

Coming to God one recent morning: Why is this still hard? I already prayed about it. You already gave me grace, and strength, and peace. What is wrong with me? Why do I need it again? I should have already learned this. Why can't I store it up?

If I was better... if I had more faith, if I had more trust, if I relied more on Your word, I would pray about this once (or maybe even twice, but certainly not these hundreds of times). I would not need to ask You again.

"Behold, I am about to rain bread from heaven for you... Gather of it, each of you, as much as you can eat... Moses said to them, "Let no one leave any of it till the morning." But they did not listen to Moses. Some left part of it till the morning, and it bred worms and stank... Morning by morning they gathered it."

They were called to sleep knowing, though they held no bread in their hands, that He would be faithful again tomorrow.

Written in my journal, as that connection was grudgingly made: "Would I feel as dependent on You, if I didn't need it new every morning?"

I get tired, of certain prayers, of certain pains. Doubtless much of this is laziness; but in part this frustration is driven by a real sense of shame- at my dearth of growth, my seeming inability to learn when He has already spoken to me patiently so many times.

Am I afraid of not honoring Him, in my neediness for His comfort, His help, every morning? But He calls me to come to Him needing His bread every day.

He calls me to trust that when I can't see what I'll eat tomorrow- what I'll rest on, what I'll be comforted by- He will be faithful to give again.

"In the morning you shall be filled with bread. Then you shall know that I am the Lord your God."

"In the morning dew lay around the camp. And when the dew had gone up, there was on the face of the wilderness a fine, flake-like thing, fine as frost on the ground. When the people of Israel saw it, they said to one another, 'What is it?' For they did not know what it was."

"This is what the Lord has commanded: 'Gather of it, each one of you, as much as he can eat... And the people of Israel did so. They gathered, some more, some less. But when they measured it, whoever gathered much had nothing left over, and whoever gathered little had no lack."

"Morning by morning they gathered it, each as much as he could eat; but when the sun grew hot, it melted."

"Now the house of Israel called its name manna. It was like coriander seed, white, and the taste of it was like wafers made with honey. "Let an omer of it be kept throughout your generations, so that they may see the bread with which I fed you in the wilderness.""

"Each family had just what it needed."

It always comes. It is always enough. And He is always glad to give it.


(Texted prayer I have saved from a sweet friend: "Lord, may you show Em how you love her in specific ways this week." Listing specific ways He has given me this 'manna' of knowing His active presence and His love just in the last couple of days, I actually lost count. Grateful.)

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

This town.

I run into a sweet lady from church,
the daughter of one of my "adopted grandmothers",
the mother of the boyfriend of a friend I interpret with.
(Side note, I love multiple relationships!!!)

We grasp each other's hands and laugh and catch up and are happy about the sunshine this weekend has held,
as she waits in line for her drink.
She goes to order and I go to the bathroom.
When I get back to my table she's left,
but there's a $5 gift card folded into the front cover of my journal,
and no one will tell me where it came from.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Start.


One thing I have asked of the Lord,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life;
to behold the beauty of the Lord
and to seek Him in His temple.

Who is it that you seek?
We seek the Lord our God.
Do you seek Him with all your heart?
Amen. Lord, have mercy.
Do you seek Him with all your soul?
Amen. Lord, have mercy.
Do you seek Him with all your mind?
Amen. Lord, have mercy.
Do you seek Him with all your strength?
Amen. Christ, have mercy.

-Daily Office: Morning Prayer,

Friday, April 20, 2012

Hey Friday Night.


Josh Garrels' free album is fantastic, and perfect studying company.
My large pumpkin latte was a treat from Esther for watching her children on the spur of the moment last week.
When my brain decides it's done with neuroscience tonight,
I'm going to break in my new sewing machine (!!).

So content right now.

Happy weekend, sweet friends.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Baby chicks!!

Perfect way to start a Friday morning!








I enjoy my life so much.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Pause.

We believe and trust in God the Father Almighty.
We believe and trust in Jesus Christ His Son.
 We believe and trust in the Holy Spirit.
We believe and trust in the Three in One.

Teach me, dear Lord, to number my days;
that I may apply my heart unto wisdom.
Oh, satisfy me early with Thy mercy,
that I may rejoice and be glad all of my days.
And let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us;
and establish Thou the work of our hands, dear Lord.

Let nothing disturb thee,
nothing affright thee;
all things are passing,
God never changeth!
Patient endurance attaineth to all things;
who God possesseth
in nothing is wanting;
alone God sufficeth.

-Daily Office: Midday Prayer,

Getting back into a daily office this week, inspired by this post.
Having intentional times throughout the day built in to stop and pause and remember to turn to Him
is good.

(PS: In other news, I got up and drove across town at 6:45 this morning to help some friends get their 33 new baby chicks set up before I headed to class...)

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Sleep.

Calm me, oh Lord, as You calmed the storm;
still me, oh Lord, keep me from harm.
Let all the tumult within me cease.
Enfold me, Lord, in Your peace.

Father, bless the work that is to be done
and the work that is to be.

Father, bless the servant that I am
and the servant that I will be

Thou Lord and God of power, shield and sustain me this night.

I will lie down this night with God,
and God will lie down with me.
I will lie down this night with Christ,
and Christ will lie down with me.
I will lie down this night with the Spirit,
and the Spirit will lie down with me.
God and Christ and the Spirit,
be lying down with me.

The peace of God be over me to shelter me,
under me to uphold me,
 about me to protect me,
behind me to direct me,
ever with me to save me.

The peace of all peace
be mine this night.

In the name of the Father
and of the Son
and of the Holy Spirit.
Amen.

-Wednesday Compline,

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Cows didn't generally show up to Bible study in Chicago.


This was taken walking into small group tonight.

I keep waiting for living in a rural community to start feeling less exciting...

Monday, April 9, 2012

Filled.

"Emptiness can be good
when, in our emptiness,
we come to Jesus
to be filled.
When we do, we have the opportunity
to find out for ourselves
that Jesus really can fill us up-
that He can be enough for us."

Friday, April 6, 2012

A day.


As this day unfolded, just a few hours into it, I realized how perfectly normal it was. I wanted to record it in its ordinary joys, these simple moments which make my life so full.
As it ended, it had become more significant, more notable. But in so many ways still so normal, and making me want to write up the normalcy even more:
so much pain, sorrow, joy, love, prayer, connection, is woven together in this life of ours.

7 am and I am out the door to the "living room" of Newberg. Grab a table in the back, wave hello to some regulars, I sip my coffee and push through to the end: 1,500 words, APA style, correctly cite all sources. I drive to campus, slip it in the prof's mailbox by 9:15, chat with the receptionist.

Back to Chapters and it is packed with full-on morning energy. I fold myself into a corner of the couch, session notes out, but first I see a family from church. This mom is hip, friendly, and can frequently be found homeschooling her three children at the coffee shop in the mornings. (Yes. This is everything I desire for my future.) I kneel down to say hello to her two-year-old, who primly turns and drops herself in my lap without a word, then reaches to play with my cell phone. I look at her mom. "I have a cold...". "Perfect. She does too." Wonderful, then we can snuggle with no harm done.

Before I start my homework, her 7-year-old brother shows off the new card game he just got. Highest numbers win, but you have to know your math facts to figure out which are highest. We play a hand. He beats me by a mile.

Two hours. Session notes mostly done. Book for dissertation ordered. A couple fun emails sent (sorry, session notes). Sipping my second mug.

My friend comes to meet me; we pray together every other week. She is in my cohort in the program but several years older than me, quiet, thoughtful, quick with encouragement, described by one professor as "a deep well". I of course adore her and wanted to make her be my friend. I asked her a few months ago if she would be my prayer partner and it's been deeper and more of an encouragement to my heart than I ever expected. We lay out our hearts. Hers is beautiful, and growing. I surprise myself by going into old familiar pains I don't want to still be dealing with. She hears them; and I know that it was good that I shared them with her. We pray. He hears us.

TA group meeting on campus. We snack as we discuss conceptualizing the relationship between client and therapist. We also plan the run we're signing up for as a group, in June: 6 miles, uphill. It's called "Hellacious". Wonderful. It will be bonding. We'll remind ourselves of that three miles in.

Long-distance phone conversation that's supposed to be on my dissertation, and turns into not only precious information and so much wisdom, but laughter, and the promise of a budding friendship that makes me feel so lucky.

A quick half-hour with another friend; I get to be the listener this time. I learn things I hadn't known. I am proud of her.

Back to the coffee shop, back to online; my sister calls as I am buying plane tickets. Purchase confirmed. I love my sister's voice so much.

I am packing up my stuff to walk down the street to church for the Maundy Thursday service; I get the text I knew was coming.

The day looks different now.

I take a deep breath, I text back. I make a phone call for her as requested. Pain and love are shared on that line, too.

Water is poured over my skin: "The love of Christ bless you, Emily." I sit with Heidi and we sing: "Did e'er such love and sorrow meet, and thorns compose so rich a crown?". I think about this coming weekend. Death. Darkness. Yes, in this world, yes. Such pain, someone I love is feeling now. Sunday is coming, He is risen indeed; what will that feel like for their family this week? Sunday is coming: hope. This world has pain, and we are called to be open to that; this world is not the end. "Such love and sorrow meet" feels so relevant right now.


"...Love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all."

I take Communion.

I know the people who hand it to me, and they know me. I had dinner at their house on Tuesday. We've prayed over each other's burdens and joys. I smile into their familiar eyes as I break off the bread, as I dip it.

"You may leave when you are ready, in worshipful silence."

Now I am in bed. Rain is hitting hard against the roof, the windows. I am praying.

My mattress just fell off my bedframe- this happens weekly or so- and my sweet roommate climbs out of her bed to help me lift it back up. We laugh as we struggle, and decide to call some cohort boys to come over and fix it for us tomorrow.

A day.



Wednesday, April 4, 2012

.a stumble she didn't know what to do with.


I saw one of my favorite babies today at Chapters. She has just learned to walk and was showing off. I got down on the floor and held out my arms.

Toddle, toddle, toddle... sit. Grin at us. Yay!!!

Toddle, toddle, toddle- sudden lurch into me. I catch her and she leans against my shoulder, then looks up at me, seemingly confused to find herself there.

I looked up at her dad. "Uh, was that a hug?"

"Mm, I think it was a stumble she didn't know what to do with... so she turned it into a hug."

Oh, the spiritual analogies.



"Should I stumble again,
still I'm caught in Your grace..."
-Hillsong

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

.i love my dad.


So so much.

 
He's known me a long time... he's used to my need to make funny faces in pictures.

(After 23 years I still have not succeeded in getting him to join me, though. "Em, you know I don't do faces." Someday.)

Human Needs Global Resources Covenant, 2009

As fellow travelers on this journey, we commit to this covenant before God. Lord, in Your mercy, hear these our prayers:

When confronted with scarcity, need, and inadequacy, may we be nourished by the Bread of Life and the Cup of Salvation. Abundance overflows from Your table, sustaining all who come in faith. Father, help us.

When monotony blurs our vision and dulls our senses, may we encounter others as Christ did, through intentional presence in daily life, submitting as clay to be formed into vessels filled with the Spirit. Christ, guide us.

When wounded by the fractured condition of Your people, may we be united by Your Lordship in faith, hope, and love; seeing, as through the facets of a diamond, the beautiful spectrum of Your light reflected onto Your holy Church joined in praise. Spirit, empower us.

When all Creation groans, afflicted by injustice and driven to despair, may the promise of redemption root us in the hope of Your Kingdom: "Behold, I am making all things new!"

Holy Trinity, send us now into the world in peace, and grant us strength and courage to love and serve You with gladness and singleness of heart.

Amen.