prayer for the year.

I couldn't believe when I read this.
Way to put words to my crazy little heart, Thomas Merton-
well, at least where I want my heart to be.

"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following Your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that my desire to please You does in fact please You.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this You will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust You always
though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear,
for You are ever with me,
and You will never leave me to face my perils alone."

-Thomas Merton, from Thoughts in Solitude

.open and known.

Almighty God,

to You all hearts are open,
all desires known,
and from You no secrets are hid:

Cleanse the thoughts of our hearts by the inspiration of Your Holy Spirit,
that we may perfectly love You,
and worthily magnify Your Holy Name,
through Christ our Lord.

Amen.

Mercy.

My amazing friend and former housemate Emily and her family are in my prayers this weekend, as they hold and love on her beautiful niece, Mercy, who was born on Tuesday with encephalocele, and is expected to be in Heaven early next week.

I've never met Emily's sister (Mercy's mommy), but Emily and I did HNGR together and lived together senior year. She is one of my dearest and most encouraging friends, and her family are well-loved among our group of friends for their joyfulness, authenticity, and hospitality. I vividly remember her mom pulling me aside at church and praying over me and my family a few weeks after we got the news about Mom.

Please be praying for all of them, especially Mercy's parents Luke and Liesl.

You can read more of this awesome family and their strength and Hope here.

From Mercy's website:

"Father of Love: You come near to us in your love. Your love finds us needy and it does not flee, but satisfies our soul. Your love comes near to us on our terms in your Son. Your love comes near to us and transforms our existence in your Spirit. Your love comes near to us and allows us to abide in you freely and without fear. Cause us now, in the midst of trial, to be reminded of your love—to live and abide in your love, to live and abide in You. Cause us to trust in a wild and mysterious Father who is not defined by sadistic control of the universe, harsh displeasure with creation, nor indecision regarding human need—but a Father of Love who is for us and not against us.

Be for us this day and for your daughter Mercy..."

Megan, me, and Mercy's beautiful aunt, who is so precious to me.

what i learn.

Throughout college, almost every single prayer I heard Matt Hiltibran pray out loud started with, "God, we thank You that You are all good". He had never noticed this until I pointed it out. I know the exact inflection of how he would voice this phrase, and it was always filled with joy. I heard him pray this through times of deepest pain. Often still, when I don't know how to start praying, from habit if nothing else my voice or pen will start, "God, I thank You that You are all good...".


Mary and I prayed together on the phone a few nights ago, for a long time. She called Him Father, easily, over and over, through our time together. I hadn't realized how little I do that lately.

She painted Psalm 139 for me before I left for Bolivia. The words slant across the page, her pen and ink flying around the borders. A prayer through her friendship and her art. I find myself praying every time I look at it, instantly, in its words and images and love.


Slagg's theory is that an ideal ratio for friendship is two hours praying for someone for each hour you spend with them. He has taught me to pray deeper for other people more than almost anyone ever.

Often when this wise friend prays for me, even if I am with him, he prays silently. He prays for a long time, and when he's done, he will cock his head to one side and smile at me. I am used to people praying out loud when praying together, and this unnerved me; I asked him once, what did you pray? He grinned. Shook his head. "That's for me and Jesus." Months later I told him aching things God was teaching me, wounds that were being re-opened and healed deeper than they had been, love that was growing and pain I was getting more willing to embrace. He grinned wider. "That's what I prayed for."

I now value silent prayers over others more than spoken ones sometimes. The One who needs to hear them still does.


It takes a lot for me to let someone take care of me. I am never scared to call Mary Wolf and ask her to pray. I never feel stupid even if the prayer request seems small and if it reveals my neediness, my insecurities, my sin. She has never judged and she has never been too busy to pray. I sat at a table at Starbucks, alone, a week after my mother was diagnosed with cancer, feeling panic rise to where I wasn't sure how I would stay in my body. I called her at work. "I'm scared. Can you pray for me?" She did, on the phone, immediately, with no other explanation needed. "Thanks. I love you." We got off the phone. It lasted three minutes. I remember exactly where I was sitting, the feel of fighting the pressure in my chest, my hands digging into the phone. I remember biting my lip. I remember that after we hung up, I took a breath and went to class.


For the last year, almost every morning the first thing I hear is my phone buzzing to alert me to a text message. "Hi, Matty," I think. Matt Maloy prays for several of us lucky people almost every day. He texts me this almost every day: "I just prayed for you. Let God ____"- a wish, a Scripture verse, something I'd asked him to pray for. At first this was sweet. Then this scary year, it was a lifeline. Now I find myself willing to share prayer requests I would never have thought to even ask for prayer for before, because I know someone is committed to praying for them.


"How can we spiritually support you?", Christine and Heath asked. We had prayed together easily and often throughout our years of dorm life, apartment life. I got back from HNGR and I did not know how to pray, and I did not know how to pray with them. So that semester, twice a week, we would find our way to a couch in the reading room. We would lean our heads on each other's shoulders and compliment each other's outfits, we would laugh and talk about our weeks. Then we would open the Bible- to anything- and read it out loud. Sometimes for half an hour, sometimes for five minutes. We heard His word, which is living and active, and it fell on us together. This time was our prayer offered up; we held each other and He held us.


I hear the Mosoj Yan staff's voices when I think some realities and the theology I want cannot be held in the same cup. "Sí, Señor... sí, Señor". Their heads in their hands, their faces furrowed, their work amazing. Their faith strong.

prayer.

From an email I received today:

"...Lord, please grant Emily the ability to lean into You,
knowing that she can never push You over,
no matter how hard she leans..."


Cool.
Yes, please.

.hymn.

"if to distant lands I scatter,
if i sail to farthest seas
would You find and firm and gather
'til i only dwell in Thee?
if i flee from greenest pastures,
would You leave to look for me?
forfeit glory to come after
'til i only dwell in Thee?

if my heart has one ambition
if my soul one goal to seek
this my solitary vision,
that i only dwell in Thee."

-brooke fraser

snowy days in the life.

So, we had a BLIZZARD Tuesday night!!!

Here's how it went down for me.

So Tuesday I had plans to go into the city to hang with Tamara. There's this completely wonderful part of adult life called, "PTO". Which stands for- are you ready- PAID TIME OFF. You know what that means? Exactly what it freakin' sounds like. I got paid to go hang out with Tamara. I KNOW right?!

So, Tamara and I had decided we dearly needed some time off from our jobs to have a day in the middle of the week with absolutely no agenda... other than enjoying life and each other. We both took the day off; I took the train downtown, and we chilled. We went out to brunch at an adorable place in her neighborhood and sat and talked and laughed for hours. Then we went to Borders and found piles of books and bought coffee and sat and talked and laughed and read. It. Was. Wonderful.

THEN, we looked outside and it had (as predicted), started snowing significantly. So we cut the day off a bit short. I bought a novel I had been wanting to read and rushed to Ogilvie to get the train back. The train station was PACKED. It was insane.

And here are my blizzard days chronologically.

Tues, 4 pm: Arrive at Ogilvie, push my way onto 4:35 train. During this time chunk, my BFF from work Lisa calls and tells me that we are OFF tomorrow. (Side note, Lisa rocks and I LOVE her and her husband Michael. And their kids call me Tia (aunt in Spanish) Emily. They make me really happy and are complicating my desire to move across the country for grad school).

4:10: Train leaves early because it's already full of commuters trying to beat the storm.

4:10-5: I start The Help and devour the first fifth or so.

5 pm: I barely notice that the train has stopped at my station because I'm so immersed in the book, but I do notice and get off. I start walking towards my house (3 blocks from train station) and then remember there had been some texting about a hot chocolate snow party (yeah!!) so I stop by the improv boys' apartment (exactly between my house and the train station- so convenient!).

(I am now completely making up the times, I don't know how it all happened).

5-6 pm: I love that apartment. Hang out with all the fun people there. Make a sandwich. Eat cookie dough out of a tub (I KNOW, right?!).

6 pm: People put on a movie. I can't remember which one now? That's because...

6-8ish: I curl up in the corner of the couch and read 150 pages of The Help.

More people are arriving. We are drinking hot chocolate. Every once in awhile someone will look outside and shout about how much snow there is (at this point, maybe ten inches?). People are speculating on whether or not they'll have work tomorrow (but I already know I don't!). It is a Blizzard Party.

9 pm: They put on ZOMBIELAND! I remember this one.

9-10:30: I read another 100 pages of The Help. People start noticing and making comments. THIS BOOK IS AMAZING!!! I am immersed. But I look up occasionally to half interact with people (love yall) or watch a particularly gross Zombie-eating-people scene. Really, you don't need to watch this movie, is my recommendation...

Rest of the night: I fall asleep on the couch with about 50 pages left. Steve wakes me up around 12. Alyssa and Laura are planning on staying over and I am invited to. One guy had just left to walk to his apartment, which is 2 buildings away in the same complex, and texted that it took him 20 minutes and I should under no circumstances try to walk the two blocks home. But my bed has flannel sheets. So I borrow extra hats and scarves and gloves and brave the now good 18 inches of snow...

OK, this is officially the most middle school esque and boring blog entry I think I've written since my high school Xanga. But it was a really fun night, what can I say. (And I stayed up and finished the book!)

Next day: Ryan, Kendra and I made cinnamon rolls, shoveled our driveway (in LAYERS. Like an hour to knock off the first third of snow, then an hour to knock off the middle part...), read, I walked back over to the boys' for a bit, work got cancelled AGAIN, and I made freaking awesome black olive and white bean soup for dinner.

Basically, I love friends, movies, reading on a couch, drinking hot chocolate, being with a bunch of people I enjoy, having nothing to do, cooking, my roommates, and in conclusion:

I love snow days.

Check out pictures of the snow insanity that was Wheaton in Josh's blog.

And read this book:

sometimes

i am just absolutely overwhelmed with how filled with Joy and Love my life is.

that's all.