Reassurance.

I got two emails this week from my organization in Bolivia about what I'll be doing, logistics, etc. At this point it's our responsibility to be in contact with them, something I have been putting off, because I wasn't sure what I was "supposed" to say. Last night when I got the second one I was like, hmm, I'm not sure how to respond to this, I'm still unclear on some details and should probably double-check them with someone first, I wonder what I should say or what's appropriate, and my Spanish is definitely not good enough, oh well, it's too late to call Ryan so I guess I'll just handle it tomorrow.

And THEN I'm like, ok, why am I really not sending this email. I'm not sending this email because I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll somehow offend these women (What if in Bolivia you're not supposed to say "So excited" three times in an email? Maybe using the same salutation they used to me is disrespectful. I used an online translator for the word eagerly but what if its connotations come out to more like impatient, etc, etc...). And I'm scared because I don't want to use Spanish without having someone check it first.

And then it occurred to me that in like, LESS THAN TWO MONTHS I am going to be LIVING in Bolivia, working with these people, HAVING TO SPEAK SPANISH... ALL THE TIME. Calling up Ryan or Claire or Lauren before every conversation to make sure my verb tense is correct is um, not going to happen.

So I wrote the freaking email. In Spanish. And I sent it to the organization without having HNGR officially approve it 8 times. I know, right?!! How hard core am I. JK...

OK, now that I've written this down it sounds like not that big a deal.

But I am so someone who loves to triple-check things with other people to make sure I am doing the right thing. As in if I have to get dressed and leave the apartment without one of my roommates to tell me I look okay it really stresses me out. (After doing this to Amy M every morning this summer, I asked her if she knew that having me live with them would mean constant reassurance. She said yes immediately :-)).

And I don't just like reassurance about clothes.

I like reassurance that I definitely didn't hurt anyone's feelings...
and that I didn't sound awkward around a boy I like...
and that no, I'm not really a terrible friend for being late/forgetting a Saga date/forgetting a birthday/not having time to hang out...
and that yes, it is okay to put homework before friends/friends before homework/sleep before anything...
and that I will pass these classes and finish these papers...
and that Jesus will still like me if I...

Wow. Typed out, that sounds like a joke, but I remember specific conversations making people reassure me about each of those this week. And probably every week.

I am pretty much reassurance-dependent.

And I'm about to go spend six months where it will be a lot harder to get that. About my Spanish and my cultural acceptability. But maybe also about the scarier, deeper things I really like having people reassure me about. Like that I'm liked, and loved, and that people feel close with me and my friendships are strong. That God is pleased with me and is at work in my life. That I am in fact useful, and helpful, and fun, and "doing good".

I'm sure I will develop relationships close enough where I can get reassurance on some of those things, and I'm sure through email people here will be able to maintain their awesome-reassurer status' to some degree; but not as much as I'm used to, as much as I would like (aka, all the time, about everything).

I think I'm going to learn a lot of Spanish on this trip, and a lot about people, and economic systems contributing to poverty, and about living without the conveniences I'm used to, etc.

But maybe I'm also going to learn a little bit about how to live without constant reassurance that everything I do and everything I am is just great. Maybe I'll learn how to do more hard and scary things (like, you know, sending emails).

Maybe I'll learn more about what it means to find strength in God's view of me, not other people's; and about trusting that goodness and purpose will come out of my life because He redeems imperfect things, not because my best efforts are particularly productive. And about being okay with that.

I think I need to learn those things.

(In the course of writing this blog post, I called Mary and she reassured me that she's SURE my email to Mosoj Yan was probably JUST FINE!)