.a little extra reality.

my feelings got hurt this weekend.

this morning i got sick of being mature

and instead decided to be snarky.

a wise friend gently reminded me that the other person's actions are coming out of their own hurt.

i saw my own unkindness

and felt genuinely sorry for assigning motives.

she then gently reminded me it was coming out of my own hurt ;-).

so i am going to go replace my hurt with a pumpkin latte and a marionberry scone,

because i think they will produce better fruit in my life.

(if the purpose of this post wasn't to provide a no-image-control glimpse of my life,

i'd also tag on needing to hide in God to replace my hurt.

without a doubt, i need God to set my heart to His and to tell me of His love for me and others.

which He will do.

through a pumpkin latte and a marionberry scone.)

and my heart beside.

"It's all I have to bring today-

this, and my heart beside-

this, and my heart, and all the fields-

and all the meadows wide..."

                                                          

-the other Emily

Good morning.

this picture totally unedited.

My sister is a badass.

She knew she wanted to study racial and socioeconomic disparities and effects since mid-elementary school,

when she asked our mom why some kids in her class didn't have enough food and clothes.

Now she spends her days working with youth to stay out of gangs

and creatively pursuing ways to help the formerly incarcerated find legal, safe jobs.

She is pursuing a master's degree on learning the best ways to restore

communities and victims and offenders affected by crime,

increasing the safety of all and the futures of all.

Her heart is for justice, for kindness, for opportunities for everyone.

For people to be heard and be real and have hope.

She walks her talk more than anyone else I know

and she makes me want to be a better person and remember the needs of those around me,

seen and unseen.

Out of 1300 men and women in her graduating university class,

she was chosen as the recipient of the single award for a woman

recognizing character, service, leadership, and academic achievement.

She also makes me laugh more than anyone else

and looks hotter than I do in my clothes.

I feel amazed and inspired every day

that this girl is my sister.

lost in the right direction.

A couple months ago,

I decided to add a year to my time in the program.

This lets me take a lighter class load,

do research in areas I love,

and live overall at a much slower pace.

The way things flowed last year was just not good for me.

I like breathing, and sleeping, and friendship, and prayer...

and it felt like a constant fight to find time for them.

And fighting itself is tiring.

Plus:

I want to like grad school.

I want to live it well and not just view this entire thing I am devoting hours and hours and years to as "something to get through".

But that's what was happening.

I felt crabby and miserable when in class or trying frantically to get my work done.

And I felt like I had no margin to reflect on what I was learning,

or to put as much heart as I wanted to

into the actual work-

the reason, you know,

that I came here at all.

This year:

I am full-time two days a week at a practicum as the school counselor in an elementary school a few miles away, a small school in a rural community.

I love it madly.

I am in meetings and class a few hours each of the remaining work days.

At the moment,

while my cohort is in hour two of their nine or ten hour day,

with homework to do when they finally get home,

I am at Chapters drinking pumpkin coffee,

finishing up notes and taking a quiz.

My heart is not racing.

I slept eight hours last night.

Finding time for a group meeting does not make me feel like I want to hide or bang my head against the wall.

I spent all morning at school yesterday,

and then spent the afternoon picking out pumpkins and non-hurriedly cooking a soup for friends coming for dinner.

I turned in a paper and led a presentation in class this week without feeling like I was flying by the seat of my pants.

I am putting more effort than is required for my practicum,

because I want to,

because it is a privilege to work with these kids,

and because now I have the space and energy to do more than just get by.

I'm going to a conference in February to learn about how to help at-risk families form strong attachments,

something that moves my heart more than practically anything else,

the passion that led me to higher education.

Though it requires some juggling,

I don't feel like I am doomed to fail my classes or play catch-up for months and months to make that trip work.

Did I mention that my heart is not racing?

The other day Breanna asked me,

"What are you doing with the extra time you have now?"

I felt a moment of panic...

what am I doing??

I just added a year of school

(and extra thousands of dollars)-

for what?!!

I answered the first thing that came to mind...

"I'm not really doing that much more...

I'm just doing everything slower."

It's true.

And it feels right.

I am thankful for the freedom and encouragement to make this decision,

and I am hopeful I will be a more thoughtful psychologist

and a more peaceful friend

with these extra hours in my days.

.quilt.

fabrics:

hoffman batiks & watercolors,

mostly from the honeysuckle and elderberry collections

pattern:

more or less a turning-twenty

feb.

april.

july.

september.

october.