.time to make halloween costumes!

one of my absolute most favorite activities of the whole year.

i'm so serious.

so far on my docket:

a rapunzel in a blue dress with a princess-crown-hat and flowers in her hair

a pink bunny

an orange monster that has three eyes or maybe ten and is ALL ORANGE, EMILY!

a high-speed shark. not to be confused with a low-speed shark. but which will not show off its high speed with a jet pack because sharks don't wear jet packs and anyway the flames would go out underwater...

and possibly a pink princess, or a pink giraffe, or a pink giraffe-princess, or none of the above because we're two and our glares could freeze lava so don't ask me what i want to be for halloween.

.christine is here.

it's the best thing in the world.

i wrote this four years ago,

in bolivia,

after our 10-day vacation together in the middle of our HNGR internships.

"...But honestly, I think that had we been staying in a tiny motel room in an alley somewhere and it had rained the whole week,

I still would have been totally happy.

The best part was just being with Christine.

We got to share our hearts, tell some of the stories we've heard here,

laugh together over the joys and goofs of the last few months.

We got to cry over our own failings that we've come face to face with as we've lived out of our comfort zones,

over how much we miss our friends and family back home,

over the injustices and horrors we have seen and heard and not been able to do anything about.

We were able to affirm, enjoy, and pray for each other,

and speak God's truth to each other's hearts-

that He could not love us more

even if we had been "the perfect HNGR interns".

That He is doing more than we can see or imagine,

in the lives of the people that we have grown to love so much here, and in our own.

That there is fruit in both of our hearts and lives from this time,

and there will be more."

i wrote that in an internet cafe in bolivia,

at 21,

homesick and tired and grateful for that time with my friend.

here we are, 25 years old,

a newlyishwed in illinois and a grad student in oregon...

when we are together,

this is still how it is

and what we do.

these days,

we are not usually homesick

and we spend most of our hours speaking our first language...

but it is still what we need.

i am so grateful for this friend who refreshes, reminds, and strengthens my heart.

wine tasting today... i'm working pretty hard to convince her they need to move here

.i spy.

fall.

vanilla, cinnamon sticks, cloves, orange peel, in a saucepan full of water. keep at a simmer. add water every half hour.

hard weeks, tea, prayer books, toddlers in tutus.

last week was hard.

one evening my plan had been to run five miles.

i figured that would also give me the chance to "pray through" everything.

yay.

what i really, really wanted to do

was get into bed early and watch bones reruns.

so i compromised.

i walked the 2/3 mile into town for a mug of hot tea and a little time in a prayer book.

it was a good decision.

sometimes compromises can be just right.

...the peace of all peace be mine this night,

in the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit. amen.

*******

this weekend was lovely.

case in point;

someone was very happy about her chocolate cake tonight.

I love it!

 Do not take it.

 I know I am cute.

...and this picture was just my favorite.

.base my life.

"...'Mrs. Franklin, do you really and truly believe in God with no doubts at all?'

'Oh Una, I really and truly believe in God with all kinds of doubts.'

But I base my life on this belief."

-Madeleine L'Engle

Words in my head today.

"Comparing yourself to other people is kind of dumb...

because either you come out better,

or you come out worse...

and neither one feels very good."

-E., age 15

"At church today,

I listened to the beautiful music.

Then I changed my attitude."

-I., age 5

I hang out with kids

'cause they're so much smarter than me.

.on shame.

After reading a widely-publicized controversial blog article this week,

I was upset-

deeply and, it felt to me at the time, irrationally.

I was unable to get the writer's words out of my head for hours,

and I couldn't figure out why.

It discussed several topics about which I feel strongly,

but I couldn't tie my reaction to any one of those things.

After some reflection,

I realized that beyond any specific point,

I was reacting to what I felt was conveyed through the writer's tone and word choice:

shaming.

I really really don't like shame.

The day after I read the article,

I had a long and great phone conversation with a close friend,

trying to figure out why I was freaking out...

and also discussing the role of shame.

Can it be helpful?

Setting aside this specific article for a minute,

shouldn't we feel ashamed when we really do things that are wrong?

Some of his questions gave me pause...

I spend a lot of time seeing the ways shame has been just flat-out ridiculously and wrongly applied.

I've worked with girls who have lived through abuse.

I have seen people shamed for being young, or uninformed, or fallible, or different.
(If I'm being honest... I have done some of that shaming, or at the very least agreed with it. And that makes me so sad.)

I know so many friends who carry shame

for things which have happened to them not through any choice of their own,

or for precious parts of themselves which have been rejected by others,

or for poor decisions which have been repented of and fully forgiven.

That is the context in which I am used to thinking about shame,

and it conditions me to reject it on principle.

But what about when we have really, really done something wrong?

Shouldn't we feel shame then?

Couldn't it maybe help us be better? Or make things right?

Is shame ever good?

After days of mulling it over,

here is what I have concluded,

what I have finally put my finger on that makes me reject shame so fully.

Shame does not allow relationship.

I took a Psychology of Shame class last summer.

The professor had us watch movie clip after movie clip of scenes where characters expressed shame, and note their body language and facial expressions.

Picture shame. Can you see a person pull back... break eye contact?

Picture feeling ashamed. Where do your eyes go?

Mine go to the floor.
Even just imagining it,
I can feel my body tense and curl into itself.

I don't want to look someone in the eye when I am ashamed.

I don't want them to touch me (which for me, is a really really big deal.)

When I feel shame, I don't want to stand close to others.

Shame isolates and separates.

Shame removes us from relationship with others.

And ultimately, it makes us apply that same separation to our relationship with God.

When I have sinned, I want to be convicted.

I want to feel bad. I want to feel regret. I want to be filled with remorse.

I need to see and feel what I have done.

I want to genuinely repent, to confess and apologize, to make it right,

to wince and own it.

Christianity is a relationship.

With God, and with others.

Repentance was designed to

lead to closer relationships.

When I have to ask someone to forgive me-

God or a human-

I am, in effect, taking a step towards them.

When they offer their forgiveness,

they are moving towards me as well.

Towards, towards, towards.

If I am ashamed,
I might mutter an apology; I might mean it.
But I won't be able to raise my eyes
to look up into their face to see the forgiveness there.

Shame?

Keeps us away.

Break eye contact with Him?

Not let Him touch me?

Step away and stay separate;

hope He doesn't see me?

Never.

He doesn't let me.

Conviction, yes. Conviction leads us to move towards.

But shame...

Shame says we can't step closer,

can't be seen,

can't look openly into a face.

Shame says keep a distance and be alone.

May we never believe that lie.

Our God always longs to bring us near.

But now in Christ Jesus,

you who once were far off

have been brought near

by the blood of Christ.

Ephesians 2:13

Let us then with confidence

draw near

to the throne of grace,

that we may receive mercy

and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Hebrews 4:16

.we begin.

With the energy we have,

we begin the day,

watching and waiting and hoping.

We wait,

not clear about our waiting.

But filled with a recklessness,

daring to imagine

that You are not finished yet-

so we wait,

patiently, impatiently,

restlessly, confidently,

quaking and fearful,

boldly and daring...

Attend to us- by attending in power and in mercy,

remake this alien world into our proper home.

-Walter Brueggemann

(grateful for prayerbooks

with which to start fall rhythms.)

.first day of the semester tomorrow...