Long on Staying, Slow to Leave

.how will He not also?.

2012-01-28T13:54:00.000-08:00

"God and I,

we've long had trust issues."

Trusting God has been hard for me the last couple of years.

So often our reasoning for trusting God's faithfulness is based on ways we can see it in our past and our present. "He's been faithful before, He'll be faithful again" sings a popular song on Christian radio these days; "Has thou not seen how thy desires ever have been granted in what He ordaineth?" comfort the lyrics of a hymn from the 1800s. I wrote last year about my struggles with that since HNGR: What about if His providence in the past looks like no definition of the word protection, what if none of their most simple, basic desires have been granted?

I love this book and can read it and learn from it, because the author goes there.
I've been soaking in this chapter this week:

"In an empty pickup truck I hear voices scarred- the voices of people I have long loved and their voices cry pain and I honor them with the listening:
When your memories have an old man groping for your crotch, hot, foul breath on your face, and your skin crawls? Give thanks?
And an ultrasound screen stretches still and you're sent home to wait for the uterine muscles to contract out the dead dreams?
Or the woman you lay down with, shared the naked and unashamed, she beds another man, hands you back the wedding albums, and says she never knew love for you, what then?...

The words sear. I know their voices and I remember their faces...
I wait, just wait. In the wait memories blister.
And in the still, Spirit comes and He whispers a name.
Christ.
And I see a world through His lens: "He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all- how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?"
He gave us Jesus. Jesus! Gave Him up for us all.
If we have only one memory, isn't this one enough?

Why is this the memory I most often take for granted? He cut open the flesh of the God-Man and let the blood. He washed our grime with the bloody grace. He drove the iron ore through His own vein.

Doesn't that memory alone suffice? Need there be anything more?
If God didn't withhold from us His very own Son, will God withhold anything we need?

If trust must be earned, hasn't God unequivocally earned our trust
with the bark on the raw wounds,
the thorns pressed into the brow,
your name on the cracked lips?...

All gratitude is ultimately gratitude for Christ, all remembering a remembrance of Him.
For in Him all things were created, are sustained, have their being.
Thus Christ is all there is to give thanks for; Christ is all there is to remember.

It is safe to trust."

.the soul can do no more.

2012-01-26T21:06:00.000-08:00

"...The constant seeking of the soul pleases God very much
for the soul can do no more than seek, suffer, and trust...

the clarity of finding is by His special grace when it is His will.

The seeking with faith, hope, and love pleases our Lord,
and the finding pleases the soul and fills it full of joy.

And thus was I taught for my own understanding that

seeking is as good as beholding

during the time that He wishes to permit the soul to be in labor."

-Julian-my-favorite.

Ebenezer.

2012-01-24T15:05:00.000-08:00

One of my biggest factors in deciding to move to Oregon was to be near my cousin Andy and his family. Andy was in middle school when I was born. He took me fishing when I was five and when I was ten brought two cars full of his friends to stay at our house on a road trip. When I was twelve he married one of the coolest women I have ever met. And a few years after that, he and Jodi started going to church regularly and raising their kids to love and serve Jesus. But we've never lived in the same state or except for a couple of years even the same coast. We've never seen each other more than about once every year on average, and it's been less since he got married.

When I came out here for my interview at Fox in 2010, I stayed with them. I loved being able to talk on an adult level with my cousin. I loved that we could connect about our faith, and I loved seeing his and Jodi's dynamic as a married couple and parents. I wanted to get to know my cousin, a part of my family, on a more than occasional-family-reunion and Christmas-day-phone-calls basis. And that desire- that hope, really, because I didn't know for sure if it would happen like that even if I was out here- was truly a deciding factor for me in choosing this school, and this side of the country.

As I've written on here before, my relationship with them is beyond anything I could have hoped. I see them every week, I am permanently invited to sleep or eat over. I babysit and read stories and pick up from practice. Jodi is really my closest girlfriend in the state, and more of a joy and an encouragement to me than I can describe. Their home is a safe place for me, and the unconditional aspect of having family here has made such a difference in my overall adjustment.

Yesterday they had something unexpected come up and called me to babysit- I drove into the city and met Andy at the house. He had some time to kill before he was leaving to get Jack and then meet Jodi, and we hung out in their kitchen talking. I ended up sharing some stuff on my mind and heart that was weighing me down. Last night before bed I texted him, "Thanks for listening, I love you." And this morning I woke up and had this text waiting:

"I love you. You are an amazing person, you have a huge heart, you're really smart and you are a beautiful person... Jesus has a plan for you, whatever that plan is you don't have to figure it out... just let it happen, be yourself and trust Him."

Today I looked back on all the prayer that went into my decision to choose this program, on my moving out here in large part on the chance that my relationship with my extended family would become real and deep and close.
Today I read that text and thought about the fact that I was receiving the kind of encouragement and prayer that only comes from really walking-through-daily-life knowing someone- from my cousin. Who before this year I'd never spent more than a few days in a row with and knew only in a same-grandparents, same-Christmas-tradition-stories way.

And I am just in grateful wonder of how God so above-and-beyond answered prayer.

Five months here.

2012-01-21T12:05:00.000-08:00

Lounging around looking ahead at the week, I wondered with some stress why this semester's work seems SO much busier than last! I was clearly going to have to be VERY intentional in mapping out time to finish my assignments and see clients... and I worried that reading textbooks was going to have to be only what filled the cracks.

Then I glanced over my planner:

two coffee dates with girlfriends
and one with a sweet wise woman from church
dinner with the Stanfields
small group at the Stoltzfus'
co-teach Sunday school for the third graders
go out for ice cream with roommate + cohort friends
movie night
community dinner
birthday party for Tyson & Jesi's turning-one-year-old

And of course there's my ability to focus at the coffee shop:
I've been here for two hours and seen (let me count) seven people I know well enough to hug and sit down and have a conversation with. Not including the two babies belonging to some of them who I needed to play with.

Dear Being Completely About My Work,

It was lovely knowing you. Really. I've heard so much about you from friends over the years, and you definitely have your attributes! And I so enjoyed the grades that resulted from you. Really, I'll miss them.

But...

This girl is back :-).

Leaning.

2012-01-20T12:08:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning praying for a friend. As I lay in bed, I sleepily prayed for them first just the word trust, and then a picture: them leaning all their weight on God, letting go, trusting Him to hold all of them.

Within the hour I was still not all the way awake but dressed, backpacked, seated by the window at a small table at Chapters, sipping my hazelnut coffee. My Bible was opened to my current reading for Fridays: Isaiah; today, chapter 10. One verse stood out to me, and I read it over and over. I copied it into my journal slowly, bolding the words with my pen. "In that day the remnant of Israel and the survivors of the house of Jacob will no more lean on him who struck them, but will lean on the LORD, the Holy One of Israel, in truth." I wrote part of it again: "... but will lean on the Lord." One more time, just one word: "Lean." I didn't think at all about the picture I'd just been praying.

8:40 am and I grabbed a seat next to Jaynie, cracked my MacBook, joked with my cohort as we settled in to start class. The smiling professor began, as she always does, with reading from a devotional book. Halfway through it occured to me what I was hearing. "...Trust is like a staff you can lean on, as you journey uphill with Me. If you are trusting in Me consistently, the staff will bear as much of your weight as needed. Lean on, trust, and be confident in Me with all your heart and mind."

Interesting.

Lean: to rest against or on something for support; to depend or rely upon.

Only when.

2012-01-18T11:05:00.000-08:00

Last week I made a friend turn off a rerun of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, because there was a torture scene and I couldn't handle it.

They were gracious and a little confused. I tried to laugh and make light of it, but was panicking inside a little bit, and was clear that, sorry, but I need to turn this off, now. Her husband pointed out, "Um, I mean this is from the 90s. I don't think they're going to put anything really graphic on..."

I know it probably wasn't going to be graphic. I know that it, honestly, is a silly TV show, and the fact that it was involving vampires and an overly-dramatic David Boreanaz should have meant that I could continue eating my ice cream as I gave the screen my half-attention and chatted with my friends.

But I can't do torture. I can't do a person looking up at someone with fear- even badly-acted, clearly fake, for-the-sake-of-ratings fear. I can't do screams or grimaces or any visual of knowing someone is about to hurt you and being unable to get away.

Those are real girls to me. Those are real faces, and that is real terror. People I know felt that terror and knew that pain. And so I cannot watch it, or listen to it, or think about it.

I can't watch it or listen to it or think about it unless.

Last night, I sat on the phone with a new, precious friend. We talked for over an hour and it was one of those conversations where you're both falling over each other with excitement and shared passion and ideas and understanding.

And at one point, she started a sentence and I knew what I was about to hear.

I felt the familiar clenching in my stomach- that I feel when a friend suggests watching a movie I know has violence in it, when I know I'm about to be in a group situation where there may be kids crying and I won't be able to physically turn and see: they're safe, they're fine, no one is hurting them, they're just crying because they're kids.

Normally I pay attention to that clenching in my stomach as a sign to get myself out of a situation. But I didn't stop her this time. Because she has held so much more than I have, because it was important, because I took a deep breath and knew, I can handle it, when I really have to.

We talked and I heard the stories. And a few minutes later in the conversation I realized something.

Yes, this makes me sick. Yes, I hate this. Yes, this is everything horrible and evil and full of death and the fall, just like my girls' stories are, just like Buffy the Vampire Slayer's producers' lame representations of someone scared are.

But I knew that I wouldn't be waking up in a nightmare... not tonight.

We talked and laughed (only crazy people who understand what it is to have loved street kids can laugh in a conversation that includes rape, by the way) and understood each other and groaned over stories and figured out how we can combine our resources to get more information, more help, more healing, more redemption, more love, to these kids.

We were talking to heal. We were talking to help. We were talking because we want to use our gifts and resources to contribute to His work of bringing all things right: even street kids, even rape, even torture, even terror, even death.

When I'm hearing it then?
My stomach clenches. My heart races and my skin gets clammy. I want to throw up and I want to scream.
But I don't want to hide. I don't need to leave the room.

Not when it's to, in some tiny way, be a part of the redemption.

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying,
"Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man...

He will wipe every tear from their eyes,
and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning,
nor crying, nor pain anymore,
for the former things have passed away."

And He who was seated on the throne said,

"Behold, I am making all things new."

Revelation 21:3-5

Red Hills Market

2012-01-17T17:07:00.000-08:00

I stole my friend Jaynie out on Saturday for a date. We drove all the way out of Newberg, to the next town over (2 miles). Excluding cousin visits, leaving Newberg happens for me about once a month, so it was a big deal.

We went to Red Hills Market, which is everything you love about Oregon stereotypes: local food and wine, wood and natural light everywhere, homegrown-herbs flavoring everything.

And it's super cute. Basically the entire restaurant belongs on Pinterest:

(Wine and decorative birds! How Portland.)

Our appetizer. I was so happy that our roasted hazelnuts came with a little pine tree in them. (Also known as rosemary, but hey.)

I love this girl. We sat and talked for a long time... it was so good for my heart.

Yay for dates, and cute quirky pretty decorative accents, and friendship.

Views bookending my Saturday.

2012-01-15T13:10:00.000-08:00

Morning walk with a friend.

Bedtime with cousins.

Almighty and everlasting God, You are always more ready to hear than we to pray, and to give more than we either desire or deserve.

2012-01-13T14:01:00.000-08:00

"O Divine Master

grant that I may not so much seek

to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love."

-St. Francis of Assisi

Pondering.

You know you're in the right program when the first day of classes feels like Christmas morning.

2012-01-11T22:35:00.000-08:00

I don't even know what to title this.

2012-01-07T11:08:00.000-08:00

I set down my backpack full of PGRE study books on the couch and walked through the back of the coffee shop, the part full of bookshelves, with notes from the owners marking their favorite stories. I went over to say hi to the group of kids, the owners' grandkids and some other regulars, who were playing hide and seek among the tables piled with books by Buechner, Nouwen, and Lewis.

Aiden, age 8, told me, "I'm freezing you!". He held his arms out straight in front of him, frowning in concentration, clearly zapping magical freezing powers my way. I froze in place, my leg picked up in the air mid-step, my mouth half-open.

Mariza, age 7, told me, "You're invisible!". She waved her arms hazily in my direction, and I crouched below the table nearest me: invisible.

Bridget, age 5, pointed at me but wavered, thinking hard. "You... you..." she smiled with satisfaction as it came to her. "Now you love everybody in the world!".

Without hesitation they all ran to me and gave me hugs.

Hannah Coulter.

2012-01-05T17:05:00.000-08:00

I spent the last two days (and all of the ink in a brand-new gel pen) devouring this novel.

I understand that it's highly improbable Wendell Berry wrote this book

for the sole purpose of making me happy;

but it accomplished that task so well it's hard for me to completely accept the fact.

"The living can't quit living because the world has turned terrible and the people they love and need are killed. They can't because they don't. The light that shines in darkness and never goes out calls them on into life. It calls them back again into that great room. It calls them into their bodies and into the world, whatever the world will require. It calls them into work and pleasure, goodness and beauty, and the company of other loved ones."

"And so an old woman, sitting by the fire, waiting for sleep, makes her reckoning, naming over the names of the dead and the living, which are the names of her gratitude. What will be remembered, Andy Catlett, when we are gone? What will finally become of this lineage of people who have been members one of another? I don't know. And yet their names and their faces, what they did and said, are not gone, are not 'the past,' but still are present to me, and I give thanks."

"Life without expectations was still life, and life was still good. The light that had lighted us into this world was lighting us through it. We loved each other and lived right on. We sat down to the food we had grown and ate it and praised it and were thankful for it. We suffered the thoughts of the nights and at dawn woke up and went back to work. The world that so often had disappointed us and made us sorrowful sometimes made us happy by surprise."

"Sometimes, a haunted old woman, I wander about in this house that Nathan and I renewed, that is now aged and worn by our life in it. How many steps, wearing the thresholds? I look at it all again. Sometimes it fills to the brim with sorrow, which signifies the joy that has been here, and the love. It is entirely a gift."

Finishing it up flying over patchwork farms and pine trees,

heading back into my quiet and joyful Oregon life,

was pretty perfect.

Reflection Questions.

2012-01-02T18:43:00.000-08:00

Been journaling/praying through some of these this week: for posterity, and in hope of growth.

Questions gleaned over the last couple of years, from HNGR, Sarah's birthday project, other friends, Celtic Daily Prayer, Mary Oliver, and things I know I need to work through. (And I would welcome any others you think of!)

As I enter 2012...
How is prayer changing in my life? Am I comfortable with the direction it's going?
What is the most important thing I have learned about myself in the past year?
What helps me feel God's presence?
What are my biggest fears?
What are my greatest temptations?
What do I desire (honest) and desire (godly)?
What have been the times I've felt most alive this year?
What has become more important to me over the last year? What has become less important?
What do I most want to be able to look back on this year and say?
What are the struggles, fears, temptations, burdens of the people I love? Am I going the 2nd mile in understanding them and caring for them? How can I do this better?
How am I using my gifts to bless, strengthen, and encourage others? How can I do this better?

This was the crazy freakin' sunset I drove past tonight.

2011-12-30T22:52:00.000-08:00

I screamed bloody murder about it to Kym on my cell phone, pulled over, and spent fifteen minutes staring and taking pictures.

The fact that there was a huge beautiful farmhouse with a porch and Christmas lights made me even happier (if it was possible).

Nine years...

2011-12-27T08:00:00.000-08:00

And the scene hasn't changed.

.Our Companion.

2011-12-25T06:38:00.000-08:00

"This is the great mystery of Christmas

that continues to give us comfort and consolation:

we are not alone on our journey.

The God of love who gave us life

sent his only Son to be with us at all times and in all places,

so that we never have to feel lost in our struggles

but always can trust that He walks with us.

Christmas is the renewed invitation

not to be afraid and to let Him-

whose love is greater than our own hearts and minds can comprehend-

be our companion."

-Nouwen

How to sanitize a Christmas present for your 13-year-old sister.

2011-12-23T19:40:00.000-08:00

Yes, those would be the bodies of snowmen glued on top of her Hollister gift card.

Let it be known throughout the North Pole that I am no prude, but seriously?!! Someone please explain to me the purpose of a clothing store advertising with pictures of people not wearing any clothes. (...Actually, please don't.) It may be the current store of choice for all the coolest girls in her class (or so I've been informed), but thanks, I am not giving that to an 8th grader.

After some thought, I decided the snowmen were too boring.

Festive as well as decent. Much better. Feliz navidad!

.why Christmas means more to me as an adult.

2011-12-21T11:09:00.000-08:00

After HNGR, and cancer, and after a year and a half of post-grad life, and after, I think, a little bit more understanding that, no matter how filled with joy and love my life is (and oh is it!),
this world is not my home and the point of life is not to be happy and without pain.

"The celebration of Advent is possible only to those who are troubled in soul,
who know themselves to be poor and imperfect,
who look forward to something greater to come.
...the Holy One himself comes down to us,
God in the child in the manger.
God comes.
The Lord Jesus comes.
Christmas comes.
Christians rejoice!...

We are no longer alone. God is with us."

-Bonhoeffer, Christmas Sermons

Such comfort and joy in heartache or fear:

with Christmas everywhere around me, I'm reminded...

not that things are easy or painless, but that in all things:

incarnation, He walked our earth, Emmanuel, God-with-us,

He abides in us.

(HT for Bonhoeffer quote)

Watch this.

2011-12-19T20:05:00.000-08:00

Please.

I haven't seen something that moved me so much in a long time.

For more back story on this new family, click here.

Christmas Run with the Ramsings.

2011-12-18T20:41:00.000-08:00

The parental units of my lovely second family and I headed to Baltimore at a crazy early hour yesterday for the annual Celtic Solstice five mile race.
(So, if you kind of cut corners on training because you're studying for finals, and then getting to and from the car adds a total of four miles, and you do a five mile run... your knees hurt the next day.
Just fyi.)

It was a really, really, really fun day.

I wanted to make sure I was taken seriously, so I dressed for the part.

(Everyone around me was probably intimidated, right?)

If I could just get these two to lighten up every once in awhile...

Yay us!!

Love Christmas, love running, love making memories, love them.

First day home for break.

2011-12-16T14:50:00.000-08:00

"I went in your room and just stared at you this morning for a long time while you slept...

it was really fun."

-My mother.

I'm glad she loves me so much.

(...Pretty sure that's the only person I ever want to hear that particular phrase from, though.)

I love:

2011-12-15T17:00:00.000-08:00

Instrumental Christmas music.

Christmas lights.

Professors who care about me as a person.

My cohort all laughing together (even when it's at me...wow what a new group dynamic for me.)

The fact that I have a cuddly cohort. Thank God.

Text from Mere: "Happy Friendaversary!"- it was the annual Rez volunteer breakfast, where last year we sat and talked for two hours.

Email from Josh: "Hi friend! Just wanted to send some encouragement your way this morning..."

Watching movies with my roommate in her bed at night.

Bugging Chet on gchat.

Night runs under starry Oregon skies (I take a buddy when it's afte dark, Mom, don't worry).

My assigned upper-class mentor- she's the best.

Text from Christine Will: "I had a dream that the three of us met at a Panera somewhere in the middle of the US. There happened to be a chalkboard, so we drew friendship maps and talked about how different people have blessed and influenced our lives this year."

Telling a professor who just had her first baby, "He's so beautiful!", and her excited reply, "I know, isn't he?!"

Brilliant sunrise sky shining over a low layer of fog over the vineyards.

Little girls running to hug me when I walk in the coffee shop.

Raspberry syrup in my coffee.

Psalm 139.

Girls' night with cohort friends, and an afternoon with all of us lying talking on my bed.

Cuddling and reading Christmas stories with children.

Newberg Friends Church.

And the kids being adorable in the Christmas pageant last weekend.

Coffee dates with wise older-than-me women in my small group.

The strong women in Wendell Berry's fiction.

Justin McRoberts's version of O Little Town of Bethlehem.

An email from Lindsay ending in, "Okay, time to go feed the baby!"

Baking Christmas cookies with an almost 3 year old.

Lessons learned from baking cookies with an almost 3 year old... if you tell a toddler that eating raw cookie dough is bad for her as you sneak a bite, it does not have the effect you hoped for. And no matter how stern she's being, it is still funny when you hear your cousin-in-law scold her child for throwing a piece of the nativity scene, "You need a time out! That was NOT nice to the baby Jesus!!"

Twenty-two hour whirlwind Seattle trips.

The familiarity of beloved faces I've been looking at for years.

Two-minute mid-work-day phone calls from across the country asking for prayer.

Feeling known and so happy here... and realizing I'm not leaving anytime soon.

Feeling sad after finals because it means the semester is ending.

.long-awaited Holy stranger.

2011-12-11T16:25:00.000-08:00

tears are falling, hearts are breaking

how we need to hear from God

You've been promised, we've been waiting

welcome, holy child,

welcome, holy child...

fragile finger sent to heal us

tender brow prepared for thorn
tiny heart Whose blood will save us
unto us is born,
unto us is born

so wrap our injured flesh around You
breathe our air and walk our sod
rob our sin and make us holy
perfect Son of God,
perfect Son of God

incarnate: embodied in flesh; given a bodily, especially a human, form

Rhythms.

2011-12-10T09:30:00.000-08:00

"We give thanks for your ordered gift of life to us,

for the rhythms that reassure,

for the equilibriums that sustain."

"We treasure from you,

days to work and nights to rest.

We cherish from you,

days to control and nights to yield.

We savor from you,

days to plan and nights to dream."

-Walter Brueggeman,

"Our true home"

parents: mine.

2011-12-07T14:11:00.000-08:00

Reading up on Reactive Attachment Disorder at Chapters...

Me via text to both of them: Thanks for warmly and consistently interacting with me in my infancy!!

Obviously without knowing the other's response, they both replied within a minute:

Mom: My pleasure!

Dad: The pleasure was all mine!

They're keepers.

On Psalm 95.

2011-12-05T16:02:00.001-08:00

"Oh come, let us sing to the Lord; let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation! For the Lord is a great God, and a great King above all gods. In His hand are the depths of the earth; the heights of the mountains are His also. For He is our God, and we are the people of His pasture, and the sheep of His hand. Today, if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts, as at Meribah, as on the day at Massah in the wilderness, when your fathers put Me to the test and put Me to the proof, though they had seen Me work." (Psalm 95:1, 3-4, 7-8)

That psalm is prayed every day in the church liturgy. Of all the psalms, when the church fathers chose what to include, what they thought we need to hear and pray daily, they chose that one. Why?

I first heard that question explored at a service at Rez last winter. I remember how Justin showed the place where the voice in the Scripture changes: from about God, to God speaking. Up through verse seven we are speaking of God, but at verse eight, He speaks to us:

"...on the day at Massah, when your fathers put me to the test and put me to the proof, though they had seen me work."

That's a reference to Exodus 17. Verse 7 tells us exactly what God is referring to here, what happened at Meribah and Massah. Moses had just led the Israelites out of Egypt, into freedom...

"[Moses] called the place Massah and Meribah (testing and quarrelling), because the Israelites quarreled and because they tested the Lord saying, 'Is the Lord among us or not?'".

I was literally breathtaken as I read the words of that psalm, the one the church fathers decided out of a hundred and fifty psalms we need to read every day. Breathtaken with conviction as I saw spelled out, by the Israelites, exactly the question my mind and heart wonder so often.

Is the Lord among us or not.

Is God really guiding this decision I have to make... or not.
Did God see my girls... or not.
Was He with them... or not.
Is any work occurring in my heart... or not.
Am I changing and growing... or not.
Did that conversation happen for a reason... or not.
Does He know how she's hurting?
Is He working in his struggle?
Could my flaws and failures screw everything up?
Does good really come from pain?
Did You know that was going to happen?

Are You among us, or not?

Awareness of that question in my heart has changed my prayers since hearing that sermon.
My prayers in fear; my prayers in uncertainty; my prayers in the various new seasons of the last year; my anguished prayers, still, looking at sweet girls whose lives seem so unfair to me.

I don't have answers. I don't like pain. I hate what those girls- what everyone who's known real suffering- have gone through. I still have very little understanding how the whole our-decisions-affect-our-lives vs. God-is-sovereign-and-guiding thing works.

But I have 'seen Him work', and I know that He is among us.

I may not know what You're doing, God.
I may not understand the balance of Your will and my decisions.
I may not like what You're doing,
and sometimes I may not see if You're 'doing' anything at all.
But, when I ask that question, I can answer: yes.
Whatever it is that You're doing-
yes, You are here. You are among us.

Send a Christmas card to a street kid in Seattle?

2011-12-03T10:58:00.000-08:00

From one of the blogs that's had the biggest impacts on my life, an opportunity:

"Would you like to send a Christmas card to a street kid in Seattle? This is a very simple opportunity to show love to the fatherless by extending kindness to a young person living on the streets – in a big city – where it rains all the time – in the winter – where it can be a dark and frightening place... Would you do a simple “mom task” for a street kid in Seattle? You can Be That Mom by sending a Christmas card to a street kid that will be tucked into a backpack of supplies and passed out this month. "

More details here: Be That Mom

Me with some of my faves:

Officially my favorite picture ever.

2011-12-01T10:37:00.000-08:00

We had coffee together every week for five years.

Including on her wedding day.

I talked to her for an hour and a half last night while sitting in a coffee shop...

she was 2,000 miles away, but it still fed (caffeinated?) my soul.

So grateful for her and our friendship.

(photo credit: Yeesum Photography!!)

Oregon life, as told by my phone.

2011-11-29T16:24:00.000-08:00

Flipping through the random moments I've captured recently made me smile last night. It is rich, this life of mine.

On a walk alone, with coffee. (This was about a month ago and it's already hard to believe I was in flipflops).

Pumpkins in the window of my favorite coffee shop/bookstore.

Kids playing together in front of church, a few minutes before the service starts.

Screen door in our kitchen, letting in fall air and light.

Cuddly cohort members, on a break during class.

Studying with my sweet roommate.

Friends who show up at the door with ice cream.

Notation on my cousins' calendar.

And catching a parenting moment in the kitchen.

Pumpkin tattoo on the bicep (announced by, "Look at my GUNS!!").

Sunny afternoon, reading and homework.

Current favorite spot for a quiet time.

Breakfast-for-dinner one night at Chels and Ryan's.

Making apple juice after church (no idea, but it was freaking cool.)

Sunset behind pine trees.

.first Sunday of Advent.

2011-11-27T13:31:00.000-08:00

"Come, Thou long expected Jesus,

born to set Thy people free,

from our fears and sins release us,

let us find our rest in Thee."

Black Friday Shopping with the Goldberg Girls.

2011-11-25T17:34:00.000-08:00

Me and my mama.

Mom: Ooh, look, leopard-print pants!

Allie: Yeah, the world got a little bit worse the day those were made.

Emily: ...Sorry, what'd you say? I was looking for a Starbucks...

Family.

2011-11-20T21:24:00.000-08:00

Train organized by my favorite coffee date (who sat in front because he was the ENGINEER, and proud of it.)

Seats: Kitchen chairs.

Train riders: Grandpa Glenn, me, MY MOM WHO IS VISITING!!, Memaw Peggy, Rubes (who you can barely see poking out), and Jodi. Cameraman: Andy.

What, isn't that what your family does after dinner?

.sunday morning.

2011-11-20T09:05:00.000-08:00

The Lord be with you.

And also with you.
Lift up your heart.

We lift them up to the Lord.

Let us give thanks to the Lord our God.

It is right to give Him thanks and praise.

***

It is right, and a good and joyful thing,

always and everywhere,

to give thanks and praise to You, Father Almighty;

our Creator and Lover, O Giver of life.
You make all things and call them good.

You love us into being,

You form us in Your image,

and breathe into us the breath of life.

When we turn away, and our love fails, Your love remains steadfast.

You delivered us from captivity, and made covenant to be our sovereign God.

You stretch forth Your hand to heal.

Through Your Son Jesus Christ,
with Your Holy Spirit in Your Holy Church,
all honor and glory is Yours, Almighty Father,
now and forever.

Journal.

2011-11-18T12:09:00.000-08:00

Grateful this morning to be writing in my new journal.

I love it because it's beautiful.

I love it because it was hand-made by a precious woman in Kenya, supporting herself through the Amani organization.

Most of all, I love it because it was sent to me by my beautiful friend Breanne.

For absolutely no reason, other than that she knows I love "journaling like a crazy woman" (according to the note she wrote in the front).

It arrived in my mailbox in kind of a hard week,

and reminded me how filled with love and joy my life is.

For-no-reason presents rock.

Precious friendships rock even more.

Can't wait to spend time with God in the pages,

reminded of the gifts He's given me.

Wonder what your psychologist was like in grad school?

2011-11-16T18:11:00.000-08:00

I've written before about my beautiful friend Chelsea, who is one of my favorite favorite people here. We hang out all the time and she is my coffee date buddy and walk-vent-need fulfiller of Newberg. Her husband Ryan and I were assigned to be therapy partners for each other this week and after our respective "sessions" we got slightly unprofessional...

Good psycholog-izing, right?

We love you, Chels!!

So happy.

2011-11-14T15:36:00.000-08:00

Yeah they did!!!

*******

While in Wheaton I got this email from Marcile, one of my favorite people at my new church. (I just ran into her at Chapters and she told me about how happy she is that six of their grandchildren are going to make it home for Thanksgiving):

"Emily,

We missed you Tuesday night. You missed a great potato bar with all the trimmings! as well as great fellowship. Christine reported you were on your way to a wedding in Wheaton and we prayed for you that this will be a precious time of renewing friendships and confirming God's leadership to where you are now. We will touch base when you return.

Love, Marcile."

Yes, it was.

.grateful.

Happy bridesmaids at the rehearsal brunch!

2011-11-12T07:23:00.001-08:00

Emily M, Court, THE BRIDE and me at the rehearsal brunch!

Yeah, they had a rehearsal brunch. So cool. They got engaged over a pre-church breakfast at that restaurant.

WEDDING TODAY. SO EXCITED.

Christine is getting married in five days.

2011-11-07T19:32:00.000-08:00

meg, me, and the bride, small group retreat, july 2011.

beautiful friend, this girl.

.of His simple loving.

2011-11-05T15:05:00.000-07:00

I've had a total theologian crush on Julian of Norwich for a long time- I love every quote of hers I've seen but haven't read anything straight through. I'm finally diving into a devotional edition of her Revelations of Divine Love and I am loving it.

I've been praying lately to be more aware of God's love for me; and I've been less-consciously but very actively wrestling with rest, and how to find it. These readings are speaking to me so perfectly. I'm super grateful.

"I saw that He is to us everything that is good and comfortable for us.

He is our clothing which for love enwraps us,

holds us,

and all encloses us because of His tender love,

so that He may never leave us."

"...He showed a little thing,

the size of a hazelnut

in the palm of my hand

and it was round as a ball.

I looked at it with the eye of my understanding and thought: 'What can this be?'

And it was generally answered thus: 'It is all that is made.'

I marveled how it could continue,

because it seemed to me it could suddenly have sunk into nothingness because of its littleness.

And I was answered in my understanding:

'It continueth and always shall, because God loveth it;

and in this way everything hath its being by the love of God.'

In this little thing I saw three characteristics:

the first is that God made it,

the second is that God loves it,

the third, that God keeps it."

"For this is the reason why we are not fully at ease in heart and soul:

because here we seek rest in these things that are so little,

in which there is no rest,

and we recognize not our God who is all powerful, all wise, all good,

for He is the true rest."

"Also our Lord God showed

that it is full great pleasure to Him

that a pitiable soul come to Him nakedly and plainly and simply."

"For the goodness of God is the highest prayer, and it comes down to the lowest part of our need.

It vitalizes our soul

and brings it to life

and makes it grow in grace and virtue.

It is nearest us in nature

and readiest in grace

(for it is the same grace that the soul seeks and ever shall,

till we know our God truly who has us all in Himself enclosed)."

-from chapters 5 & 6

You with ears bent close to our lips.

2011-11-03T13:41:00.000-07:00

"...So many words we need to speak
          to you from whom no secret can be hid,
          you beyond us, you with us, you for us,
          you with ears bent close to our lips,
You... and our woes turned towards you, always you, only you,
          yet again you.
Amen."

-Brueggemann,

from "You with ears bent close to our lips: Approaching the Psalter"

Studying, a Skype date, and Soup

2011-10-30T20:37:00.000-07:00

Welcome to a grad student weekend...

My life is pretty stable and predictable and boring, and I am so loving that. So so loving it. I love studying every day at the same wonderful coffee shop (yes, they know me by name and drink order), I love that I can count on running into half of Fox's PsyD program and a bunch of new friends from church there (I love going to church half a mile from my house so that we all go to same the coffee shop). I love my rhythm: class, lunch with friends, study, veg with roommate and whoever else is over, phone with people from home, bed (...ok, Bones rerun, then bed). I like that not much crazy is happening... my life right now is getting to know kind people, working hard at a subject I love, lots of Jesus time, lots of sweet cousins, and learning this town and community a little deeper each week.

It suits me... and I'm thankful to be here.

*Here I am yesterday about hour 5 of 7 of working on a lit review.

These were taken during a much-needed brain break... but seriously? I am so loving doing this work which feels purposeful and fun to me (most of the time). I feel so lucky to be studying something I love so much.

gchat:

me: ok im gonna go continue immersing myself in reviewing studies on resilience factors in street children :-D be still my heart.

*I had a lovely long Skype date with the beautiful Kymberly Grove, rocking her last third of HNGR. Here she is in her Thai bedroom (she did not know this screenshot was taken... sorry babe. But you look cute!!)

My favorite quote of the conversation:

Me: What, you mean you're not omnipotent?!!

Kym: Yeah, becoming omnipotent's on my to-do list... somewhere below about a hundred GCPs.

(...Only HNGR people may get just why that's so funny.)

*And to top off my exciting Saturday night, I walked to the grocery store for vegetables and cooked my favorite soup. This was life-giving for a variety of reasons: 1) Phone date with Heath while I walked!! 2) Walking outside!! 3) CHOPPING VEGETABLES = awesome prayer time. Don't know why, always works. 4) Cooking from scratch!! 5) Doubled the recipe so there's lots in the freezer so I'LL BE ABLE TO EAT SOMETHING BESIDES COFFEE AND LEAN CUISINES THIS WEEK YESSS.

Recipe below.

Black-Olive and White Bean... my adaptation from digthischick's adaptation of the Moosewood Cookbook version.

3 T olive oil

1 large onion, chopped

5 cloves garlic, minced

2 celery ribs, chopped

3 carrots, chopped

2 cans black olives, sliced- save the juice!

2 cups chicken broth

2 cups white beans

1 1/2 cup roasted tomatoes (the blog says to roast them yourself. Um yeah I don't do that. There's a good can of fire-roasted with garlic kind you can find at the grocery store.)

1/4 c fresh basil (or third that if you're using dried. Or more. Basil equals love.)

Salt & pepper to taste

Heat olive oil, add onion and saute 2-3 minutes.

Add celery, carrots, half the garlic, and about 1/3 of the olives. Cook for about 5 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Add the olive juice (there should be about two cups) and the chicken broth. Bring to just barely boiling.

Add the rest of the olives, the white beans, and the tomatoes. Simmer 20 minutes.

Add the rest of the garlic, the basil, and salt and pepper. Serve hot. Serves 4ish.

YUM.

...and now I'm self-conscious because who blogs about soup and studying and skype dates?
But I read this and it is the best explanation of why I blog, too.
...And I'm going to stop apologizing on my own blog now.
:-)

.solo Dios basta.

2011-10-30T12:40:00.000-07:00

nada te turbe,

nada te espante,

todo se pasa,

Dios no se muda.

la paciencia todo lo alcanza

quien a Dios tiene nada le falta-

solo Dios basta.

let nothing disturb thee,

nothing affright thee;

all things are passing,

God never changeth!

patient endurance attaineth in all things;

who God possesseth in nothing is wanting;

alone God sufficeth.

-st. teresa de avila

the english version is in the mid-day prayer of CDP.

the spanish version is written on the prayer flag Sarah made me before i left for Bolivia.

i love them both.

why do i pray?

2011-10-25T17:31:00.000-07:00

I prayed for a sweet friend who's in real pain today.

I didn't know what to pray, because I know too well that she's probably just going to be in pain for awhile.

There are verses to send her, but they won't make it stop hurting (I know).

There's encouragement to speak to her, but it won't make it stop hurting either (I know).

As I read and prayed through the reading this morning, verses kept jumping out that I could email her. Each time, a leap of hope came from my heart- "Oh, this fits!". But then a moment later, I would think about where she is right now, and my heart would sink as I realized... "Yes, it fits... but it's still not going to make it stop hurting."

What do you pray, when the pain part of the season is unavoidable?

Two nights ago as I lay in bed with her face heavy on my mind, to be honest what my heart pleaded was, "Oh Jesus... please make it hurt less." That was all I really wanted for this sweet friend. I want it to go away. I love her and I don't want her to have to walk through the next few months! I asked God, frankly and with no real attempt at piousness, to please just ease her pain. If it was me, that is what my honest desire for others to pray for me would be.

I prayed in trust that our Father could do it and that He wants us to tell Him our real hearts, not what we wish they are- but I prayed it in full knowledge it's probably not going to happen. And I know Him and that He counts our tears and His heart is aching with hers, and that His arms are around her. And I thanked Him for that.

Today, I pray for her pain to ease... and then I pick up my prayer book, and enter these next months with her.

Months of learning how to pray when prayer will not bring comfort- not the relief-from-pain kind, anyway. It will bring other things: wisdom, and trust, and compassion, and endurance. It will bring a sense of His nearness, and maybe even new ways to sense His hand. As we her community circle around her and pray, my prayer is that our prayers bind this season for good, call His hand over it, guard it fiercely from any purpose other than more love for Him and being shaped more like Him.

And I thank Him that He is better and wiser than me, because that is not what I would choose- not for me and not, right now, for her. I only want it to stop hurting. And He knows that, and in His mercy He takes the choice from our hands. He will hold her. I get to enter into the weaving and binding of this pain for good.

Pumpkin Muffins & A Dance Party: Fall Cousin Movie LOVE!!!

2011-10-23T08:26:00.000-07:00

We baked pumpkin-chocolate-chip muffins Friday afternoon!

And then after dinner... we had a dance party to Mumford & Sons. Because, obvs.

I know... I don't know why I get this awesome of a life, either.

We also went on a walk to an insanely-decorated-for-Halloween house down the block and read books and cuddled.

I love fall. And family.

The woman above is Jodi... she is married to my cousin Andy, and I am so unbelievably thankful for that, I cannot even tell you.

To any men considering marriage, my word of request: if you have a little 12-year-old cousin who ten years down the road is going to move away from everyone she knows and need a new best friend- please consider picking a wife who will hang out with her all the time and be the sweetest listener and best coffee-date buddy ever. It's a really, really nice cousin move. Thanks Andy!!

(Andy never really gets represented on here bc usually he's at work when I'm hanging out with the fam. Here he is. Do you think we look alike? Our moms are sisters. I love him a lot.)

"Miracles occur within the rules"- Quote Round-up.

2011-10-21T13:49:00.000-07:00

Whenever I read something that I love or want to think more about, but don't have time to journal or blog it, I stick it in my email drafts folder (no idea why). Theoretically this is so I'll go back and reread it later, but generally it takes me a few months to remember to do so. Here's the June-October-ish round-up...

(Certain blogs make frequent re-occurrences) Kisses from Katie:

"And slowly but surely I am learning to trust my Father in the way that my three year old trusts me. Learning to just allow Him to carry me, take me where He wants me and know that I will still wake up in His arms, and in His arms it is safe. Even when I wake up in unfamiliar territory."

"What are you going to do next/with your home/with your children/with your ministry/in five years/when you are older/etc... I am not concerned with what I am going to do. I am interested only in what I am becoming. Each day, I am hoping to become more like the One who created me."

"I believe that this is how He has loved us and I do not pretend to know why. But I know that He who did not spare His own Son will also graciously give us all things we need, and so I cling to believing this is for good."

"...I pray only that they are becoming people who know Him more."

"...And we pray and we pray that we could spill out the grace God has so lavished on us."

Fabs Harford:

"I have traded Him for the fleeting pleasures of this world too many times to count, but He has never traded me. And He will never trade me. And He has met me in the pig pen and He has led me home."

"He doesn’t promise to give me everything I need to never be hungry. He promises to give me everything I need to not starve to death on the road home to Him."

"There is only one thing I really need. And it is secure."

Enjoying the Small Things:

"My bottom line in parenting--in special needs, in friendship, in anything--is always this: Most of the time I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but I damn well know how to spend time with my kids--how to have fun."

"It's about deeper relationships with family and friends and creating a loving, caring environment that everyone can flourish in."

Dig This Chick:

"I wonder what firsts will happen today? I wonder... "

"I decided it is a good place to be, excited for next and nostalgic for last."

"So much of diligence is about slowing down and attending to what is in my hand already."

(I actually can't find where I got this quote from, but I think it was here.)

And then just random others from all over.

"...There are promises connected to everything we experience."

-Urban Servant

"Some people are more interested in knowing God's will than in knowing God."

-Mark Batterson

"The question is not, 'When will we get what we are waiting for?' but 'What will we become as we wait?'"

-Paul Tripp

"The good hostess is the person who makes you feel welcome, relaxed, and part of his or her life."

-girltalk

"Breathe Him in and let Him exhale from every pore. Aren't we supposed to know Jesus so well that we know ourselves only in Him?"

-In the Heart of My Home

"I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. I don’t have any promises about ease, except: It gets worse. I DO have huge promises about joy."

-John Piper

"We lay our hope, full and tender, into the depths of Him and wait in hope for God to resurrect something good. Good always necessitate long waiting."

-Ann Voskamp

"He who knows the why for his existence can bear almost any how."

-Victor Frankl

"In working out our callings, we are to perform for one audience, the audience of One."

-Os Guinness

"If you can only remember one thing, this is it: What is legitimate and godly is done in the light, known by others, and doesn't violate biblical standards. Anything you experience that is done furtively, in the dark, and kept secret is nearly always sinful."

-Carolyn McCulley

"So how do we keep from wasting our trial? We persist in enduring. No matter how long the road. No matter how numerous the setbacks. No matter how deep the disappointment. We must keep before us that glorious destination: "perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." And having done all, we must simply stand."

-girltalk

"The tricky part is living in the tension without becoming bitter about it. As my last six weeks in Longido approach, I'm trying to be mindful of that; I'm trying to let each day be its own and nothing else, trying not to manufacture experiences but thank God for the ones I have. Thank him for the people I have. Thank him for the sky that seems so much bigger here. Thank him for the dust that covers my feet, and the way the air feels so muggy on my runs at dusk. Thank him for his faithfulness; it's more than enough to make this very-not-Tanzanian-girl very happy in Tanzania for the time she has."

-Sweet Kait, current HNGR intern, Tanzania.

"Also, sorry but you're going to get me started on how much I hate the mobility of the modern world. Because we know such amazing people and have such cool lives and have had the privilege of being a part of amazing communities, we are destined to always miss people and want to be in a million places at once. 100 years ago, people lived in the same places their entire lives, with the same people. But lets be honest, I also love the freedom that modern transportation has afforded us. It has opened us up to incredible relationships and unique learning opportunities. And isn't it better to have this than never step out of our comfort zone? Hmmm the irony of it."

-my beautiful love Hayley, current HNGR intern, Ecuador- via email.
(I looovee her... this made me laugh so much- and I agree.)

"I just feel the present fact that if God weren't petitioning on my behalf, I'd be screwed."

-my dear friend Josh, via g-chat

"This change in the seasons always ushers in one of my favorite family traditions—spending our fall and winter evenings reading books together. Just about every evening we gather in the living room in that time between dinner and bedtime, and for 30 or 40 minutes the family sits while I read to them."
-Tim Challies

"Our rules for the group were to give encouragement as much as we could, and to give advice only once in a great while; we gave rebuke only when absolutely necessary, and we gave condemnation never. This was one of the times when they gave a little advice. They said, "We think you shouldn't pray. We will become your prayer for you."
-Richard Foster

"I believe that prayer truly worked for them, I believe that God heard them, and that even though things didn't necessarily get better, they were at least comforted by the Holy Spirit and that his presence was there with them. I want that, I've wanted that, so I went in search of how to pray like that."

-Foster again- both in a CT interview

"God always does more than we can ask or think."

-Worship Matters

"There is nothing worth living for, unless it is worth dying for."
-Elisabeth Elliot

"After calming the sea he said, “Why are you afraid?” Not because Christians never drown. But they are safe in drowning."
-John Piper again
(wow, I'm fairly verbal about not agreeing with a good amount of his theology, but apparently I do like his one-liners.)

"The essence of the Christian salvation is to say that He is good enough and that I am in Him."
-Martyn Lloyd-Jones

"I can't remember one single regret/
in serving God only/
and trusting His hand..."
-Sara Groves (from whom I got the name of my blog!)

"Today you'll preach to yourself the true Gospel of need and provision or a false gospel of independent righteousness, strength and wisdom."

-Paul Tripp

"The gospel is for tired receivers, not triumphant achievers."

-Tullian Tchidivjian

"Don’t think about what you don’t have or what you can’t do. Ask yourself, Who can I encourage? Who can I bless? Who can I invite to my place for a meal? Who can I offer to babysit for? ... But you can be fruitful no matter where you are."
-The Blazing Center

"Faith is the refusal to panic."

- Martyn Lloyd-Jones

"On the day when the weight deadens on your shoulders and you stumble/

may the clay dance to balance you."

-John O'Donohue

And last but not least, from the epic cancelled TV show, Joan of Arcadia:

Joan: Make Kevin walk, please? I'll just ask this one favor and then I'll never ask for one again.
It's so easy for you. All you have to do is snap your fingers or blink your eyes.
Just let Kevin stand up.
God: People ask me to do things - big things, little things - billions of times, every day.
Joan: What do you expect? You're God!
God: I put a lot of thought into the Universe; came up with the rules. It sets a bad example if I break them - not to mention, shows favoritism. Why should one person get a miracle, and not everybody else? Can you imagine the confusion? It's better when we all abide by the rules.
Joan: No miracles?
God: Miracles happen within the rules.

Holler!

(It's interesting to go back and look at what themes there are- I give basically no thought to it as I do it, just copy and paste something quickly and move on... so it's kind of revealing to see what's been pulling at me instinctively. Lots of trusting God, lots of waiting, and lots of cherishing relationships... the months where I was still working held lots of faithfulness and work ethic. Also, I'm not blogging most of these, but there were lots on adoption and fun homeschooling activities... yeah, maybe not this week.)

Textbooks Make Awesome Autumn-Leaf-Pressers!!

2011-10-20T18:59:00.000-07:00

So that's why we had to buy so many of them!!

(Just kidding. I study in grad school.)

I heart fall.

A birthday.

2011-10-18T20:04:00.000-07:00

Happy 24th birthday, my beautiful wonderful friend.

Oh my goodness gracious do I miss this girl!!

Cloudless blue skies in Oregon today!

2011-10-17T13:12:00.000-07:00

Perfect fall day.

Reveling in natural beauty has always been
my best help for homesickness.

.love this.

2011-10-15T14:54:00.000-07:00

"Once, when I was very unhappy, Hugh and I had to go to a large cocktail party. There was nothing I wanted to do less than get dressed up and have to radiate charm to swarms of people. But we went, and I tried. There was a woman at the party who very quickly had too much to drink because she was lost; she had been widowed; she had not been able to find a new life which was valuable, or in which she felt she had any value. She talked to me and cried into her drink and suddenly she said, 'You're a very happy person, aren't you?'

I had, at that point, legitimate reason to be miserable. But her question stopped me in my tracks. I looked at her in surprise and gratitude and said, 'Yes. I am.'

This was ten years ago. But the answer is still the same. The better word, of course, is joy, because it doesn't have anything to do with pain, physical or spiritual. I have been wholly in joy when I have been in pain- childbirth is the obvious example. Joy is what has made the pain bearable and, in the end, creative rather than destructive.

To be fifty-one in the world of today and to be able to say, 'I am a happy person,' may seem irresponsible. But it is not. It is what keeps me capable of making a response. I do not understand it, or need to.

Meanwhile, I am grateful."

-Madeleine L'Engle,

A Circle of Quiet

Yes. Just... yes.

Preaching to myself.

2011-10-13T15:54:00.000-07:00

I forwarded this email a few weeks ago to some friends who are out on HNGR right now; I wrote it midway through my own internship in 2009 and hoped it would encourage them in those oh-so-fun "HNGR September blues". I went back this week and needed to reread it to myself... what was it I was saying again?

In moments of tiredness, when I don't know what to do next and I'm wondering if I'm where I should be, when energy or even joy feel hard to find... let me just be faithful.

"...I’ve had the phrase “live faithfully”running through my head for a couple months

and I’ve prayed it often, that I would live this time “faithfully”, whatever that might mean.

I’ve asked God for joy;

but I’ve also been reminded that living faithfully,

often means just doing what I am supposed to be doing at any given moment.

Living faithfully isn’t necessarily waking up with a huge leap of joy in my heart to be in this city the way I have felt at other times; it might be just going to work (preferably on time), trying my best to love the girls, working on my independent study, and playing cards with my host siblings.

Maybe right now I need to be learning how to just fulfill my responsibilities faithfully and as cheerfully as possible, with or without “feeling” how I want to be feeling;

and that THAT is what I am called to
in this time."

dried hydrangeas and vanilla candles on my bedroom wall.

My mother outdid herself.

2011-10-11T18:21:00.000-07:00

The most beautiful quilt in the world now graces my bed.

(It's sad when your mom's too far away to cuddle with, but this is definitely the next best thing.)

Having a Science Nerd For a Dad is Great.

2011-10-10T16:15:00.000-07:00

Post a mention of the Northern lights, I got this text:

"I love you to the top of the sphere of fixed stars!!!"

Thanks, Dad. Me you, too :-)

Becky Ramsing came to visit and brought me the best present ever.

2011-10-09T21:38:00.000-07:00

I know, right?!

Hot date.

2011-10-06T18:21:00.000-07:00

I went to Starbucks with a cute boy yesterday.

He melted my heart with his excellent hand-holding skills, his wide grin... and his shoes that light up when he walks.

He's a cheap date, too. His only requests were a chocolate chip cookie, apple juice, and that we sit at a "really tall table" and take a picture so he could show Daddy how he climbed in it all by himself (he really did, too!).

(Salted caramel mocha for this cousin!!! Heart fall.)

We brought Mama back some coffee and she was happy too.

"Hey Wyatt, want to know something?"

"Yeah!"

"I love you very much."

"I already knew that!!"

Such a blessing to be near my sweet family.

Reason Fourteen Million and Six I Love Breanne.

2011-10-05T20:17:00.000-07:00

Gchat:

me: mrr...
i so feel like God's telling me i need to stop whining and learn to live in ambiguity.

Breanne: whatevs.
i hate ambiguity.

Way to summarize, love :-)

provision.

2011-10-03T20:04:00.000-07:00

This is a guy in my cohort and his wife, at their house last night. Our cohort had a prayer retreat a couple Saturdays ago and in my small group, despite my best efforts to the contrary, I ended up venting out some worries I was carrying. Tyson came up to me on Monday. "So... I hope you don't mind... but I told my wife some about what you're thinking. And... she's a really great resource. She said she'd love it if you wanted to come over and talk to her any time..."

Sooo... last night I did. I went and perched in their living room and felt self-conscious for about three seconds but it went away in their genuineness and warmth and as I laughed with them at their three beautiful kids running around the living room. Then Tyson put them to bed and Jesi asked me awesome questions and shared good thoughts and was empathetic and wise and prayerful and helpful. And I left feeling encouraged and cared for... and a little bit more able to trust God.

And not only did they reach out to me, listen to me, not judge me, and share their hearts and home:

we had banana splits.

.grateful... for a lot.

A sweet and full six weeks.

2011-10-02T00:01:00.000-07:00

It's October 1. I woke up this morning snuggled under a REALLY comfy down blanket on two of my favorite people's couch in Seattle, which is a lovely way to start your favorite month of the year.

I drove up after class yesterday to join Tim & Ash, beautiful Kari, and several other Wheaton alumni in the area for a "Thanksgiving dinner"... since we're losing T&A (sob) back to North Carolina this month, we had to celebrate together early.

I'm back now, refreshed and content. And this crisp evening, I am thankful.

Sweet gifts in this season...

-Doing life with people here. Matt pointed out to me on the phone last week how perfect this cohort set up is for "the way I love to do life"... I see the same people every day, I form deep relationships with them, I get to do the daily tasks of life with them. As much as I loved my community last year, there were few people I saw more than once a week. I'm in class four days a week with the same people; we study together; we bike together; we plan random fun weekend activities together; we cook and eat meals together.

-After sitting next to me at orientation, a quiet guy in my cohort named Ryan went home and informed his wife he had found her new Newberg best friend. Then he brought her to our house for a potluck the next night and sent us into the kitchen together. Half an hour later we had yet to emerge, and were found leaning against the counter discussing our love of Madeleine L'engle and when we could have coffee. Her name is Chelsea and I LOVE her. And I love her husband and I love them together and I love hanging out with them. They and my roommate and I take turns cooking dinner for each other (they made crockpot basil chicken last week, I made the Barefoot Contessa's roasted-red-pepper-and-goat-cheese sandwiches this week), Chelsea hosts weekly Grey's Anatomy nights, we're holding each other accountable to read for pleasure, we text each other prayer requests. It's. Great.

-My sweet and quirky roommate. She's ridiculous and hilarious and wonderful. I am loving living with her.

-Quaint, beautiful Newberg. I love this small town.

-Everything being within a mile. Love it, love it, love it.

-Insanely approachable, warm, encouraging professors.

-A promising-seeming dissertation topic I am giddy with excitement over and a potential advisor who is excited too.

-Slower pace of life here.

-Lots of time outside.

-Autumn air.

-Leaves starting to change.

-MY BIKE (thank you sweet cousins)

-The intimacy with God which comes from loneliness. The good kind of loneliness.

-His tenderness and patience with me and a sense of His presence this week.

-A sense of rightness of being here in this season. As Kar and I talked about today, you can be in the right place without it feeling especially right, and that's important to know how to do. But... it's SO great when it DOES feel right. I'm sooo thankful and enjoying that.

-Amazinggg time with Wheaton friends this week. Ame's wedding, SARAH, which will be its own post, and Seattle last night and today.

-The long drive to Seattle alone, looking out at pine trees and mountains and lakes, listening to hymns and letting their truth feed and ground and comfort me. It was so so just what I needed.

-Waking up on Tim and Asharae's couch this morning, cuddling with Ash, going out to eat with them, good talks, good laughter, good friends.

-A long date with Kari, seeing the amazing fit Seattle is for her, seeing so much of what God is doing in and through and around her, watching her radiance and peace, the comfort and joy of being listened to and loved by a good friend.

-Voicemails and texts from my BEAUTIFUL faraway friends. I am so blessed.

It's October. I am thankful.

90.14

2011-09-30T16:26:00.000-07:00

more than all i want

more than all i need

You are more than enough for me

more than all i know

more than all i can see

You are more than enough for me

Too funny not to post.

2011-09-28T21:38:00.000-07:00

So I sent an email to one of my best friends in Chicago tonight,

"hey babe- i miss you!
this website should help you with some of the tasks you have weighing on you right now.
you're welcome."

The link leads to the official Oregon state website's "Moving Tips" page. As in, here's how you can move to Oregon! (She has no plans to move to Oregon). Cute, right? Hint hint, I miss you, move to Oregon, ok funny email, love you bye!

Except I am perpetually multi-tasking and so rather than waste the approximately 1.2 seconds it takes to open up a compose mail window by just waiting on gmail, I was looking up recipes. I had just copied the Oregon website address, but found a good looking tomato-pie recipe in the meantime and without thinking copied that one too.

Then I wrote the email to the friend (who is, btw, recently married), over "website" pressed paste and linked her to... the recipe.

Click over to the recipe and see why that was unfortunate.

"Hey babe, this should help you with some of the tasks you have right now..."

Awesome.

I got to see Jana this weekend!

2011-09-27T00:04:00.000-07:00

Your jealousy is totally valid.

We were celebrating someone we love getting MARRIED!!... it was absolutely beautiful. More pics to come.

.it all.

2011-09-25T16:46:00.000-07:00

"The great secret to the spiritual life, the life of the Beloved Sons and Daughters of God,

is that everything we live,

be it gladness or sadness, joy or pain, health or illness,

can all be part of the journey toward the full realization of our humanity."

-Henri Nouwen,

Life of the Beloved

Made. my. day.

2011-09-23T14:23:00.000-07:00

Just got this email from a close friend from Rez, about a conversation with her 4-year-old.

"Emily,

Just saw a picture of you from this summer's Bolivia trip on the Wheaton homepage! This reminded me that I wanted to tell you something cute A. did a week or two ago. She's in pre-K now and they have a devotional and prayer time each morning. A. informed me one day that she had prayed for Miss Emily during this time, "since she's moving far away and that's sad". I was so surprised because we hadn't talked about you recently. So I chalk it up to the Holy Spirit.

Just thought you'd feel loved by that!!

Hope the transition to new school, new home, new church, new friends, etc is going well."

Have I mentioned I love my babies?
Also, why is my life so wonderful.

Also, I miss my Wheaton community.

A good day.

2011-09-19T15:42:00.000-07:00

Pumpkin spice coffee,

developmental psychology,

my new favorite coffee shop,

and Tracy Chapman, Mumford & Sons, and David Gray playing.

Mmm, dear grad school life, I like you.

.rock of ages (when the day seems long).

2011-09-18T14:59:00.000-07:00

Rock of Ages, when the day seems long

from this labor and this heartache, i have come

the skies will wear out, but You remain the same

Rock of Ages, i praise Your name

Rock of Ages, when in want or rest

my desperate need for such a Savior i confess

pull these idols out from my heart embrace

Rock of Ages, i need Your grace

Rock of Ages, "It is done!" You cried

the curtain's torn and i see justice satisfied

now write Your mercy, on my heart and hands

Rock of Ages, in faith i stand

Rock of Ages, my great hope secure

Your promise holds just like an anchor to my soul

bind Your children with cords of love and grace

Rock of Ages, we give You praise.

-Rock of Ages (When the Day Seems Long),

Indelible Grace: By Thy Mercy

On repeat today.

.this is so so so my heart exactly these days.

2011-09-16T17:30:00.000-07:00

"We yearn, in every season, for your presence.
We know that our hearts will be restless, until they rest in you...

Truth to tell, we do pant restlessly,
   but not always for you.
               Sometimes, instead for security
                                   or sex and beer and sports,
                                   or power and success,
                                   or beauty and acceptance... not seeking you.

...We yearn for you in every season,
    making you too easy, imagining you too difficult,
   bewildered and unsure until you give yourself concretely to us,
    as you have done and as you do. Amen."

-Brueggemann, "Not always for you"

Read that a couple days ago after a restless wrestling prayer day and almost cried.

Yes to yearning but not always for Him.

Yes to making him too easy and yes to imagining Him too difficult,

yes to bewildered and unsure,

and oh yes to how He gives Himself concretely to me, anyway.

1) I love Tim and Ash, 2) A long runway, and 3) Beautiful photos. (I have decided I love lists.)

2011-09-13T18:33:00.000-07:00

I got to see two of my favorite people the other week!

(Dear Asharae, I am obsessed with your eyes. Love, Emily. PS I mean that totally non-creepily.)

1) Tim and Asharae, close friends of mine from Wheaton, moved to Seattle shortly after their wedding last summer. We have been eagerly texting all year about how great it would be when I joined them in the Pacific Northwest... and the day finally arrived!!

We met up at a town in Washington, found a random beautiful park,

and wandered the woods, laughed a lot, and (very normal for the three of us) sat and talked for hours.

It would be impossible to say everything I appreciate about these two (I tried a bit last year)... they are two of the most genuine people I know. They engage in life fully. Their marriage is beautiful and a privilege to behold. They are unfailingly kind. They are thoughtful and prayerful and wise and insanely, ridiculously encouraging (and I know a LOT of encouraging people). Whenever we hang out I always leave feeling strengthened to seek and love God and to be myself.

2) As we talked I ended up sharing a LOT with them about some of my thoughts and feelings and tentative hopes and concerns about entering a five-year program.

I am so excited to put whole-heart-mind-body-engagement into this education.

Into studying and practicing and pouring myself into learning these skills- out of true hope that it is the best way to steward the gifts God has given me. That it will enable me to serve Him and others in the long-term.

But still. There is this tension...

of memories of laughing and dancing with these sweet girls and praying over them as I tuck them into bed.

Of my arms that long to hold babies that need love.

Of so many needs everywhere-

and I'm burying myself in textbooks in a coffee shop??!

Really? Really, this is not the most selfish and ridiculous thing ever?

They talked to me about the concept of "a long runway"- something they learned about this past year. The idea that God is preparing us all the time and we don't know how He's going to use us in the long-term.

We try to serve Him each day, and we also hold our present with the idea that it may be "a runway"- work and preparation happening in our life and heart and skills, for something in the future we don't know yet.

And sometimes it's "a long runway". They reminded me of that idea.

I'm still mulling on the concept and it will probably turn into its own post at some point. In any case, I was so encouraged by their words and their affirmation of where I am right now. I left feeling strengthened.

3) They run their own professional photography business and they are incredible at it. If you need anything done in the Seattle area through the fall or the Raleigh, NC area after that (or they travel!), I cannot recommend them highly enough.

Gotta love hanging out with friends who can make a walk in the woods turn into this:

(I stole their camera and took some of them, too, because as you can see they're way too cute to always be behind it.)

I love you guys SO much! Thank you for letting me into your life... thanks for loving on me soooooo much... I am so happy we are in the same region :-).

Ah, friendship. You are my favorite.

(All images are Asharae Marie Photography. Yay!)

Oops.

2011-09-11T13:54:00.000-07:00

I accidentally ordered some books online this week. I didn't mean to!

(Haven't found a liturgical church here yet!)

(I think I'm going to do my research paper for spiritual formation on Julian of Norwich... So it really counts as a textbook...)

(...I just really like Brueggemann?)

Whoops.

(Amazon and your lame one-click button. Horrible wretched marketing scheme.)

Memory verse for the month: "But the fruit of the spirit is... self-control." Galatians 5:22-23.
Working on it. Hm, I wonder if there are any good books on it available...

"God of our times, our years, our days...

2011-09-11T12:51:00.000-07:00

You are the God of our work,
                                of our rest,
                                of our weariness.
Our times are in your hands. We come to you now
     in our strength and in our weakness,
      in our hope and in our despair,
     in our buoyancy and in our disease.

We pray to you this day, for ourselves and others like us in our greed.
     We are among those who want more...

     ...Be for us enough and more than enough,
     for we know about your self-giving generosity."

-Brueggemann,

"With all the graciousness we can muster"

And then you.

2011-09-09T22:07:00.000-07:00

"We arrange our lives as best we can,
to keep your holiness at bay,
   with our pieties,
       our doctrines,
       our liturgies,
       our moralities,
       our secret ideologies,
Safe, virtuous, settled.
And then you-
     you and your dreams,
     you and your visions,
     your and your purposes,
     you and your commands,
     you and our neighbors.
We find your holiness not at bay,
     but probing, pervading,
          insisting, demanding.
And we yield, sometimes gladly,
          sometimes resentfully,
          sometimes late... or soon.
We yield because you, beyond us, are our God.
     We are your creatures met by your holiness,
                            by your holiness made our true selves.
     And we yield. Amen."

-Walter Brueggemann,

"And then you",

from Awed to Heaven, Rooted in Earth.

Absolutely buried in this book and cannot recommend it highly enough

(it mayyy in fact already be on my list for birthday gifts for several of you...)

We are studying Celebration of Discipline in my Spiritual Formation class

(side note: I picked a graduate program that has Nouwen and Foster as assigned reading- I am so in the right place, huh?!),

and this week I copied down a quote about

"the temptation to study the disciplines without experiencing them".

I am trying to truly pray these words, not just study or even enjoy them.

Brueggemann has been a great fit for me...

somehow as I read and pray it is easy to recognize immediately that the God he wrote to is mine.

But his words and heart convict me-

his prayers spell out clearly that this world and life are not about me.

Excited to keep praying through this book,

helped to find words to Him and hopefully formed into a heart more for Him.

(More will definitely follow.)

.nuestro Dios todo lo suplirá.

2011-09-07T21:17:00.001-07:00

I sent this email to some close friends today. I'm never sure who's reading here, so thought I'd post it here too...
<3

Hey friends,

Lauren H., who is the current intern at Mosoj Yan, my organization in Bolivia, wrote this blog post this week. It captures beautifully, and painfully, some of the battles we fight for our girls there, and the lives they have been through.

I was incredibly moved by her words and reminded to be praying for these girls. I've been thinking a lot about how... eternal... (sorry, I don't know how to make this non-Christian-ese-y) the work they do at that home is. I was so so so so blessed and reminded of that in my two weeks there this summer. Just that they are truly loving girls who ARE "the least of these".
That the staff are doing work, not because it is fun or easy or what they want to be doing all the time, but because it is what they are called to, the purpose for which they think the Lord made them.

I've been thinking a lot about how much these girls matter to God, even if no one else knows their names. And what holy work it is to work for loving even the tiniest, least significant-in-the-world's-

eyes life.

On her blog Lauren invited her friends and family to fast and pray on Thursdays with her for the girls and I am going to take that challenge. I wanted to ask a favor- that you would consider joining in that. To be honest, I am not planning on fasting from food. I'm not sure what yet, probably the computer, which is maybe really stupid but so far every time I've fasted from food it's just been disastrous and I figured it was more important that I at least do something (because too often when I fast from food I end up giving up and not fasting at all).

I truly hope this does not feel like a guilt trip and I will never ask if you do it (and wouldn't be upset if you didn't!). But you have all been a big part of my life/Bolivia journey and I wanted to invite you in on this part too.

Please know how much of my journey to those girls and their place in my heart and life and prayers is due to each of your HUGE RIDICULOUS INSANE investment in my life. Your prayers and love on me has truly touched girls in Bolivia who you will probably never meet. Which I think is really cool. Yay for life and friendships and love.

Thank you so much for your prayers- love you guys!!!
Em

Our girls.

2011-09-05T10:42:00.000-07:00

Please read Lauren's blog post today-

and please pray with us for God's protection over these precious girls.

...mi oración en el desierto, cuando todo en nosotros seco está

mi oración en la necesidad

mi Dios todo lo suplirá

mi oración en la batalla, cuando el triunfo no puedo ver
somos coherederos y conquistadores , en Cristo permaneceremos

Te alabaré , Te alabaré , contra nosotros nada prevalecerá
Me gozaré , declararé...
Dios es mi triunfo y Él está aqui.

Gift list- quick.

2011-09-03T20:43:00.001-07:00

View from my bedroom window- fields and mountains.

Three pieces of hand-written snail mail today. !!!

A lovely coffee shop .7 miles from my house, and a routine developing of God time there to start the day.

A sweet cohort of warm, quirky new-friends-in-the-making... the fact that we are all in this same boat together... the crazy things we are throwing out to do in our adjustment phase (last night may have included retro bowling and temporary tattoos... or it may not have. I'm not saying anything...)

A bike, free and perfect, bright blue and with a beautiful BASKET!!

Almost everywhere I need to go within a mile (LOVE this!).

Friendly people everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Oregonians are genetically bred for friendliness, I swear.

My bedroom. Brand new soft white sheets. Long sheer white curtains. Framed photos of people I love. Vanilla-scented candles. Soft lighting.

Living off of loans is great motivation to cook from scratch, which is actually one of my favorite things :-)

The fact that I have such amazing friends to miss. (This will be a thankful. This will be a thankful. This will be a thankful. ...Thankful and tearful can coexist.)

Seeing Tim and Ash last week <3.

First fall chill in the air.

Every single thing about living in the same place as my cousin and his family.

This was taken with my phone and is not a great picture but CAN YOU STAND THE CUTENESS OF THE PINK STRIPED GAUCHOS?? CAN YOU??? BECAUSE I CAN'T.

Bones reruns.

Things I worry about (money and time, usually) being provided for so quickly and obviously that it actually makes me irritable because I have total theology issues with assuming God will provide in these kinds of ways and on this kind of schedule. But it keeps happening. If I could let myself do what everyone else does ("Omigosh two seconds after I was worried about this THE LORD JUST PROVIDED!!!!") I'd probably be more openly thankful. But... I really am thankful. Even if calling it provision makes me squirmy. Really. I promise.

Hydrangeas on every bush on our street. Deep warm pinks and purples and blues, everywhere. I have decided that I deeply, deeply love hydrangeas.

Almost every store in Newberg is independently owned.

Interesting reading.

Feeling peaceful and right about being here.

.ground.

2011-09-02T15:43:00.000-07:00

For You are the ground.

The ages to You are only seasons.

You look on the near no differently from the far

and if they've learned to plant You more deeply

or build more grandly upon You

You barely feel it. You hear

neither sower nor reaper

when their footsteps pass over You.

-Rilke

Book of Hours I, 60

.my heart.

2011-09-01T11:16:00.000-07:00

"JESUS, I WOULD REALLY LIKE IT IF YOU WOULD JUST FREAKING TELL ME ANYTHING SPECIFIC RIGHT NOW."

-what I wrote in my journal this morning.

In big letters and all caps, just like that.

Nothing's wrong or anything!

I like Jesus.

And sometimes I pray (affectionately) in frustrated all-caps.

I just feel like it's only fair for me to keep this blog

if I'm going to be clear that my prayer life doesn't always look like Celtic quotes and poetry.

:-)

.oregon scenes.

2011-08-30T22:28:00.000-07:00

Give me one good reason you don't live here.

Second Oregon run...

2011-08-29T22:29:00.000-07:00

...and first one alone. I had just an hour before sundown tonight and I laced up the shoes I bought over a year ago, that ran me through cancer and my girls and long dark dryness. I headed out, and up a hill... this fall, they will run me through new everything and stretching into adulthood and flashes of vocation. I ran, up, and up... Oregon is not flat like Illinois, that is for sure.

It's the same me in the same shoes, same body feeling the same heartbeat thudding, same rhythm of steps grounding me here, in this place, as it always does no matter where "this place" may be. But I ran on larger, darker coarsely packed stones and asphalt, not a sidewalk or the packed-dirt prairie path. I ran next to vineyards (vineyards!) lying at the feet of mountains covered in pine trees, past fenced-in fields of long wheat pointing to the sky, as their farms blinked at me in the distance.

I know how I feel when I run and so running lets me know differences. Tonight as my body fell into its familiar rhythm, I could see what has changed. Hills not path. Vineyards not trees, pines not Pleasantville houses. I ran alone... no Meghan, no Chet.

Other differences, too, I hadn't known yet. I ran and was surprised at a peace: certain anxieties I ran with in Wheaton the last months don't seem as at home in this new setting. And I ran and found the heaviness settled around my heart: loneliness. I ran up a hill I've never run before, alone, and remembered: I love it here, but I don't have years of history, I don't have my community.

I ran and cursed Christy Schweigert's voice in my head, our last HNGR small group night, when we gave each other challenges for the next year: "Press into Jesus when you are lonely. Turn the alone time you're going to have to have there, into solitude with Him". I did HNGR!! Half of my best friends moved away last year!! I did that already!! I know about finding Jesus in solitude, okay, I already learned that lesson!! Because I have it so down at 23... I turned a corner and ran past another field, another farm. I stopped and stared at the huge Oregon sky, gray clouds turned golden and the sun setting behind evergreens, turning their tips into dark, towering, beautiful silhouettes.

I ran and breathed and was thankful for my body, for these hills, these vineyards, adulthood, vocation, community to long for in grateful love, community to anticipate and reach out to. Thankful for Christy's words, for my God who will meet me this season in ways I can't yet see.

Driving my 8-year-old cousin to football practice.

2011-08-26T10:07:00.000-07:00

Jack: "How do you say 'football' in Spanish?"

Me: "Fútbol americano".

"How do you say, 'running back'?"

"No idea."

"How do you say, 'Jack'?"

"Joaquim."

"How do you say, Luke?" (his best friend)

"Lucás."

"How do you say, Max?" (his other best friend)

I have no idea... "Um, Mateo."

He leans back in my passenger seat. "What would your name be if you could change it? Or would it still be Emily?"

"Mm, I think I like Emily. Would yours still be Jack?"

He ponders this, staring out the window. "No... I don't think so."

I think about the excitement in our extended family as emails went out when his mom and dad were choosing his name. He was the second baby in his generation (his dad is my first cousin). There have been four more since, and we love them all just as much, but the email-chains over name choices did die down somewhat after about number three. I remember hearing he would be Jack.

"Oh yeah? What would you change it to?"

He tilts his head to one side. "I think... probably 'Awesome'."

Grin. "I love it."

"Yeah. I'd change my last name to Awesome. And my middle name to The. But I'd leave my first name Jack." He grins, satisfied. "Yeah. Then my name would be Jack The Awesome. That would be good."

Can't say what a blessing it is to be living in the same town as them.

.grateful.

2011-08-24T21:44:00.000-07:00

oh Lord,

You have searched me

and You know me.

You know when i sit and when i rise;

You perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out, and my lying down,

You are familiar in all my ways.

before a word is on my tongue,

You know it completely,

oh Lord.

You hem me in

behind, and before,

and You lay Your hand upon me.

such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain.

where can i go from Your spirit?

from Your presence, where can i flee?

if i go up to the heavens,

You are there,

if i make my bed in the depths,

You are there.

if i fly on the wings of the dawn,

if i settle on the far side of the sea,

even there,

Your hand will guide me,

Your right hand will hold me fast.

.psalm 139:1-10.

.oregon smells like pine trees.

2011-08-24T07:39:00.000-07:00

"This day is Your gift to me;

i take it, Lord, from Your hand,

and thank You for the wonder of it."

-cdp.

"Listen,

2011-08-20T21:24:00.001-07:00

...the heart-shackles are not, as you think,
death, illness, pain,
unrequited hope, not loneliness, but

lassitude, rue, vainglory, fear, anxiety,
selfishness."

-Mary Oliver,

"When the Roses Speak, I Pay Attention"

What is promised.

2011-08-20T00:24:00.000-07:00

I read two quotes this week in two different places, echoing the same theme. They articulated something which has been rolling in my mind and heart, and I'm grateful for their words.

"It is a pagan idea to dwell on the possibility or impossibility of God's suspending the laws of the universe and working tricks and wonders and miracles... But it is a Christian idea to believe in God being constantly present and continually creating, if only we are open to Him."

-Vincent Donovan, Christianity Rediscovered (a book I highly recommend, btw)- HT, Brittany :-)

and

"One of the many temptations[...] is to create reasons or explanations of what God is doing... We want a reason and if God won’t give us one, we’ll find one (or make one up)... We want reasons because we want our suffering to have a purpose... For example:

-God is setting up all the heathen and arrogant doctors for a great demonstration of his power by making our situation so impossible that they can’t deny that a miracle has occurred.

-God is punishing me for sin by causing my child to suffer.

-God is preparing me for a great ministry and using my child’s suffering as a “thorn in my flesh” to keep me humble...

-God is…, God is…, God is…

At times, it bears a striking resemblance to superstition. The only thing we can be confident that “God is…” is that God is working everything for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose."

-Needy Parents blog.

Lauren Is Beautiful.

2011-08-17T22:26:00.000-07:00

I love, love, loved getting to spend time with the lovely Lauren during her HNGR internship while I was in Bolivia.

She is doing an INCREDIBLE job loving on the girls, using her gifts of energy, warmth, "RA-ness", hard work and kindness to brighten their days and light up their lives. They adore her.

And even during times when it was stressful...

(This was us post running the house alone for a full weekend)

...I absolutely LOVED getting to love on these girls with her.

I enjoyed and learned so much from her wisdom, thoughtfulness, desire to serve and strength of faith and character. And she is just really fun, great to stay up late pillow-talking with, and makes me laugh a LOT. It was such an amazing blessing to process stuff with her and be a part of her HNGR journey.

Thank you so much for loving on me and letting me into your time down there, Lo! I love you!

Check out her Cochabamba life and what she is thinking about here.

.praise.

2011-08-16T13:58:00.000-07:00

"Lord God,

we render praise to You as our Creator and Sustainer,
as the spring of life and source of healing.
We praise You with lips that sing,
arms that embrace,
and feet that dance.
Our praise of You is spoken before the nations
and whispered in intimate love.
Our praise happens in rocking a baby, tending a patient,
affirming a student, hearing a client,
writing a letter, phoning a friend,
reaching out, holding,
listening, waiting,
offering all You have given to us to one another.
We praise You,
Lord God,
when we remember from whence we have come

and to Whom we all soon will return."

-author unknown

Joy, mystery, and overwhelming gratitude.

2011-08-13T00:35:00.000-07:00

G-chat, February 14, 2011:

4:07 AM me: HIIII

4:08 AM YOURE GETTING MARRIED

Tamara: I KNOW!!!!!!

AHHHH!!!!!!

4:09 AM me: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TAMARAAAAAA

4:10 AM

YOU ARE ENGAGEEDDD!!!!!

Tamara: I KNoW!!! It was so incredible

AHHHHH!!!!!!

me: .......*choking up*

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tamara: I love you!!!!

me: i love you

SO much

CONGRATULATIONS

i am SOOOOOOOOOO proud of you guys

and so happy.

Tamara: YAY!!!!!!!!

me: AH YAY!!!!

Six months later:

Just spent several hours at a rehearsal dinner celebrating and praising two of the people I respect, admire, and love most in the world. One of my best friends in the world is about to become a wife. I am exploding with joy,in awe at the love of God and His delight in giving good gifts,(and can not believe how lucky I am to have these kinds of people in my life). Wedding pics will follow.

"As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one." Ephesians 5:31-32

.goodbye wheaton.

2011-08-10T13:15:00.000-07:00

***

Quote of the week:

Lisa walks in last night, looks at my stuff all over the living room floor, turns to her five-year-old and says

"Look, Joseph. Aunt Emily's moving tomorrow, isn't that hilarious?"

***

Goodbye lunch with Luke and Christine.

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following Your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that my desire to please You does in fact please You.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this You will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust You always...
I will not fear,
for You are ever with me.

-merton.

.body.

2011-08-07T20:56:00.000-07:00

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters,

in view of God’s mercy,

to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—

this is your true and proper worship.

Romans 12:1

No way I'd rather be using mine.

Two stories and some leaving pics.

2011-08-07T07:00:00.000-07:00

1. We are out to lunch and I am idly playing with the hair of the girl next to me as I eat my papas fritas. She leans her head on my shoulder and I look up in surprise a minute later when I feel something wet. She´s picking at her tomato salad diligently but tears are slowly leaking out of her eyes onto my arm. I cast a confused glance at Chacho; he concernedly shrugs back. Can I take her over there, I ask with my eyes and a toss of my head, and he nods.

"Want to walk with me for a minute?" I whisper, and she nods and stands up. I take her hand and we wander a few feet away, to out of sight of the rest of the girls around a corner.

I hug her and she burrows into my neck, still crying.

"What´s up, babe?"

She doesn´t say anything, just shakes her head and stays buried into me.

"Anything happen, or just a sad day?"

She pulls back, shrugs, wipes her eyes.

"I just don´t want to be here."

"Here, like out to lunch? Here at Albergue?"

"I just..." she starts crying again. "I don´t want to be in Bolivia. I want to go far away."

She is 14. She is an orphan. She´s slept under bridges, been bounced around from center to center in the city before landing here. In the house, she is a cheerful presence, laughing and making jokes constantly (she is the one who rubbed flour on her face and announced she was American). She always does her chores without being asked.

"I want to go somewhere far away"... I know that feeling. Don´t we all have days like that? I have no idea what to say. I tell her I feel like that sometimes, too. And I think to myself goodness knows I felt like that at 14 often enough.

What do I need when I feel this way, I pray desperately. I try to channel my mother. I pull this girl close and kiss the top of her head. I rub her back in slow circles and murmur whatever comforting sounds I can think of into her hair.

"I´m sorry you´re sad. We all love you so much and we´re so glad you´re here."

Is it too cheesy to give her a Bible verse... is it forcing faith down her throat, minimizing her pain? But this is the real thing I think of when I feel this way, that I want to be nowhere or anywhere but here, that my emotional clothes don't fit.

"Can I tell you something from the Bible?"

She nods into my shoulder.

"One of my favorite verses says, ´Lord, You are our home.´ Sometimes I feel like that too... like I want to be anywhere but here, like I just want to go somewhere new and start over. Like just... aahhh!" I let go of her and dance like a crazy person for a second, shaking my body and head, trying to convey the whole, 'Nothing works and everything sucks!' feeling. She laughs. "And when I feel that way, I try to think of that. The Lord is our home. He is our house," (I noticed this week that the Spanish Bible translates Psalm 90:1 as "nuestra casa"- literally, our house). I lean my head over my knees and fold my arms up, trying to get the point across of hiding in God, and also still trying to make her laugh. "...I try to imagine I can actually just live in Him, when I don't feel like I live anywhere."

She wipes her face and smiles a little, and nods. I go back to hugging her and we kind of rock for a minute.

"OK. I'm ready to go back now."

"Okay, honey."

**********************

2. The girls have BIEBER FEVER. It is ALL about Justin Bieber. We listen to him every morning as we do chores and every afternoon as we hang out outside and they frequently ask us to translate lyrics- this is, for the record, the mark of truly great lyrical talent, if the translation from English to Spanish is exactly the same: ("Oh, oh, oh, baby, baby..."). And the other night I got asked in total seriousness for his email address. Cause you know, Justin and I are bffl.

Yesterday morning was my last breakfast in the house. I am sad and quiet, but trying to be cheerful. The girls have been telling me how sad they are, too. "Hermana, please don't leave." "Hermana, when can you come back?".

Justin is playing over the CD player as we eat our bread and tea... I have an idea.

"Hey, girls. What if I called you next week and said, Hey, I'm coming back to Albergue for a year..."

"YEAH!!!"

"...OR, I told you that I could send Justin to be here at Albergue for a year. Me. Or Justin. Who would you choose?"

There is silence at the breakfast table. The girls stare at each other. Finally one clears her throat and offers...

"Um... could we maybe... have both of you?"

**********************

I had the absolute coolest goodbye party at the Cochabamba airport. All the other travelers were totally jealous.

Man do I miss them already.

So so so so so thankful for these past two weeks and all of these beautiful faces.

.happy emily.

2011-08-05T15:08:00.000-07:00

.y algunas mas.

2011-08-05T08:02:00.000-07:00

We spent a whole morning this week baking bread. The smell of bread dough is such a happy smell. There´s a huge bowl of it that everyone digs into, pulls out handfuls, and you cup your hand in a very specific motion (which I have had taught to me 800 times and apparently still do it wrong) and roll it into a floury ball. Mmm.

One of the girls, post flour-fight :-), comes up to Lauren with her white powdery face: "Look, I´m from your country!!".

My potato peeling skills are coming back in spades. Heck yes. All in one strip baby. And that is called living in Bolivia.

I went with Hermana Tomi, one of the girls, and her 4-month-old to the baby´s doctor´s appointment. I carried the baby in a sling Bolivian-style the whole time. Loved it.

Did I mention pineapple off the street here rocks? It does.

I loved visiting my host parents last weekend (a post in and of itself): but I LOVE living at the house. It is much less stressful to be centered in one place for me.

"when i am afraid, i put my trust in You; in God, whose Word i praise; in God i trust, i shall not be afraid."I love that passage and have journaled it a bunch recently. I was thinking about it a few days ago in relation to my own life and fears; which was important and great. But I thought about it in a different way when one of the girls was scared to get into bed because she thought someone could get in the house.

I rocked a three-week old baby to sleep the other day. I prayed out loud over him, reading from a Spanish Bible one of my favorite passages to pray for someone, from Ephesians 1: "Le pido al Dios de nuestro Señor Jesucristo, es decir, al Padre maravilloso, que les dé su Espíritu, para que sean sabios y puedan entender cómo es Dios. También le pido a Dios que les haga comprender con claridad el gran valor de la esperanza a la que han sido llamados, y de la salvación que él ha dado a los que son suyos. Pido también que entiendan bien el gran poder con que Dios nos ayuda en todo." "I ask that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe."

I went to visit el Centro de Motivacion yesterday. That´s the first step of the Mosoj Yan process- it´s a day drop-in center for girls who are still living on the streets. They can come in, get lunch, a shower, do a craft, nap... there are Bible studies, art projects, a psychologist... and the staff just love on them, and talk to them about Mosoj Yan and explain that if they want to take the next step to change their life they can work on moving into one of the other centers (which involves rules and a basic commitment to following them, hence why some girls don´t want to).
I spent some time there at the end of my time in 09, and I interviewed girls there for my independent study, but I haven´t spent a ton of time there. But yesterday I had the same deep feeling in my heart and my gut that I always got when I was there last time too... there is just something so special about that center and those girls. That staff is in it. In it, in it, in it. We have girls (and I do mean girls, as in, 10-16 years old) who come in, hang out all day, then head for the bathroom mirror to do their faces up and go back out to work the streets. Yesterday I sat in the living room with them watching a movie as three of the girls slept on mats on the floor. They are dirty, I mean literally, there is dirt on their skin and faces. They have nowhere to go. They have no one. When they leave they go sleep under a bridge. No one knows where they are. Fourteen years old. I looked at one of them and just thought about myself at 14... and how many needs for safety and parenting I had (have!), and how different our lives are. I prayed and prayed but what is there to say?
The staff there are amazing. They love them and hug them and talk to them and find out their stories and make them feel welcome. They pray and pray and pray over them.
They (the staff) go out on the streets at night and early in the mornings- I´ve been before, once, out when they go searching for girls. They get to know the groups of kids at the different corners. The kids feel known by them. They just head out, talk to them, search for them, invite them to come, hug them and call them by name.
If I were coming back I think I´d want to spend more of my time with the Motivacion team and getting to know their work.

I´m going to be really sad to leave.

.bits.

2011-08-01T12:10:00.000-07:00

Lauren and I stayed in the house with the girls all weekend. It was a blast (althoughhh we were pretty happy to see the full-time staff this morning I think.) Saturday night after church we let them have a "piyamada"- a sleepover. We watched a movie, made popcorn, and all the girls slept in the living room together. In the past I´ve slept in there with them... but we looked at each other when they were still up and chatty at 2 AM and headed to bed. We then let them sleep in/watch TV until about 10 Sunday morning. And Sunday was honestly a virtually perfect day in my book... after we all got up and had brunchish, we hung around the house cooking and dancing, ate lunch, played cards, did a workshop with the girls on discovering their and others´ ´love languages´, baked "American desserts" (chocolate chip cookies and brownies), played soccer at a nearby park, and they all on their own initiative agreed it would be a good idea to go to bed early. Rock. Star. Day.

I love this work.

I´ve been trying to grab one-on-one moments with the girls where I can... taking one with me to get bread from the tienda next door, washing dishes with another. I love one-on-one time.

I am trying not to say "my girls". I am so glad to be here but I am also very aware that two weeks is not six months. I´m so excited for Lauren to get to continue to form these relationships with them.

In staff devotionals today we read Psalm 91. It´s beautiful in Spanish and in English.

Have I mentioned how much I love the staff?

We have a beautiful girl here who is too young to have her driving learner´s permit in the States. A few months ago she birthed a perfect baby girl... by a member of her immediate family.
The other day I passed by her room and glimpsed her lying on her side on the bed. I knocked and walked in. She turned over and smiled at me. I saw that she was lying on her side facing her baby, who was laying on her blanket and smiling open-mouthed up at her mom. "Look, hermana. Isn´t my little girl so beautiful? Look at her eyes. Aren´t they so beautiful?" She turned back to smiling and cooing at her baby. "Mira, hija! Mira! Donde esta Mami? Donde estoy?" She laughed and gave her kisses on her face.
This morning at the staff meeting we discussed how we´ve never seen even a moment of anything other than responsible care and concern and affection and joy from her over her child.

I´m obsessed with the book Gracias by Henri Nouwen. I want to memorize every other page.

The cell phone ringtone of Hermano Tino, the director of Albergue, one of the kindest and most respectful, faith-filled men I know, is "Hey, Soul Sister" by Train.

oh, that we might know the Lord.

2011-07-30T06:17:00.000-07:00

I vividly remember one night sitting in the Voss reading room the spring of my junior year reading 1 Thessalonians and being struck dumb by this verse.

"Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. Therefore encourage one another with these words."

I read it and I thought about what was promised to us, what was clearly laid out as our greatest encouragement: that we will be with the Lord. Would I be content to be with the Lord? Was that what I longed for- just Him? Just His presence? Did I get comfort and joy from the idea of being with Him forever? The answer was no. It didn´t sound satisfying. It didn´t sound bad, but I wasn´t longing for His presence. I was living to try to honor Him, show His love to others, obey His voice... but I wasn´t just seeking to know Him. To just be with Him was not my greatest joy.

The next week in HNGR class they asked us to write down one prayer request- something the office would pray over us, something we would pray over each other and ask our communities to pray for us. I knew immediately what mine needed to be. "Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord... ´For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings´" (Hosea 6), ¨That I may know Him and the power of His resurrection.¨(Phil 3:10). That was my prayer over HNGR and it´s been my main prayer ever since. I return to Hosea 6 over and over and over again, convicted over and over for my greatest joy and my greatest comfort to be just my God, His face and His presence.

I am in Bolivia. And I am praying. All the time, this past week, I am praying... over the girls, and over the house, and the staff, and Lauren, and a good amount of time for me... even here for two weeks, I can get lonely (honestly, as much fun as I am having, i keep wondering how on earth I did this for six months??! Current interns, yall are amazing).

And as I´ve prayed, God has been very clear with me about where He is, here. He is here. My God speaks Spanish. My God speaks Quechua. My Jesus is the Jesus of my girls scared in their beds, or without beds, He was with them as they lay under bridges. He is the Jesus of my sweet host mom as she bakes bread and hums her Quechua hymns and can not read and has never left the country. He is the counselor of these staff in all their meetings as they pray over how to lead and reach these girls, as they structure this organization and lay their own hearts and burdens before Him.

I keep having the feeling I get sometimes when I see someone I love in a new element. Whenever I stop by my parents´ offices and see them dressed up at work and hear them interact with their coworkers in their "professional" voices. When I have gotten to spend time with a good friend and their family for the first time and I see them as a sister and daughter, not just as cool fun coffee-dater heart-sharer. Like, "Oh... I thought I knew you, but all this time you had these other sides I´d never gotten to see". Isn´t it weird sometimes, to think that our parents aren´t just our parents but were teenagers, spouses, friends? That our friends are workers, lovers, their parents´children? Even my closest closest friends have places they´ve gone where I have not been with them, where they were opened in a way I haven´t seen and showed sides of themselves I may never know.

And that´s how I´ve been feeling about God this week- clearer than I remember it even from when I was here on HNGR. "God, You speak Quechua??". "Yup." "And... You were with my host mom as she grew up in the campo." "Yes." "God, You are someone to these girls I have never had to know." "Yes."

Sometimes I am overwhelmed, when I casually ask God what His spirit is praying over these loved ones of mine... and I hear answers I am unfamiliar with, that I don´t understand. Part of me wants to run away because sometimes I don´t like the answers; and sometimes part of me just doesn´t want to bother to press in to hear a new thing He is saying, to see a new side of Him. I know God in Wheaton, in my psych classes, in my closest friendships and in coffee shops. That is comfortable. I am lazy and it is easy to stay there; I am scared to find the parts of my Lord I don´t know.

But do I want to know Him? Then I need to press in to see who He is here.
To know that He has been here long before me.
My God has so many different sides to Him.
Thanking Him for letting me see even a glimpse of more of who He is.

"all i once held dear, built my life upon

all this world reveres, and wars to own

all i once thought gain, i now count as loss

spent and worthless now compared to this

knowing You, Jesus,

knowing You,

there is no greater thing."

thank you all so much for your prayers for me and these girls.

"...transfigure my small resources and make them sacred..."

2011-07-27T15:03:00.000-07:00

"...One image has been with me ever since I saw Pamplona Alta in Lima. It is the image of living as a hermit in the midst of the poor. That image must have been vague and subconscious, since I never wrote or spoke about it. But when a visiting priest from the St. Louis, Missouri, diocese said to me: "I am living in a poor sector of La Paz as a hermit among the people," I immediately understood him. Yes- indeed, just to pray for, with, and among the poor spoke to me as a true missionary vocation. Wouldn't that be an authentic way of entering into solidarity with those who have nothing to lose?

"True prayer always includes becoming poor. When we pray we stand naked and vulnerable in front of Our Lord and show Him our true condition. If one were to do this not just for oneself, but in the name of the thousands of surrounding poor people, wouldn't that be 'mission' in the true sense of being sent into the world as Jesus Himself was sent into the world? To lift up your hands to the Lord and show Him the hungry children who play on the dusty streets, the tired women who carry their babies on their backs to the marketplace, the men who try to forget their misery by drinking too much beer on the weekends, the jobless teenagers and the homeless squatters, together with their laughter, friendly gestures, and gentle words- wouldn't that be true service?"

-Henri Nouwen, October 24, 1981, Cochabamba, Bolivia.
From ¡Gracias!: A Latin American Journal.

So thankful.

2011-07-26T20:53:00.000-07:00

I am so thankful to be here.

So thankful that the second I stepped off the plane in La Paz (still one flight away from my beloved Coch), I almost started crying because it smelled like Bolivia.

So thankful the staff brought this girl to the airport with them when they picked me up- she's graduated from the program but they'd told her I was coming.

When we got back to the house, she and I sat down at the dining room table and talked, deep talked, for over an hour- about what she's been learning, about her baptism last year (she beamed as she told me about it), about what she misses about the house since she graduated and how it changed her life, about our memories from my time here.

In my opinion if I had had that conversation and turned and headed back to the States, it would have been worth the trip.

So thankful for how insanely easy it has felt to step back into relationships here. For the inside jokes we all started tossing around instantly, for the affection and laughter and mutual gratitude exchanged.

So thankful for the conversations I've already gotten to have with the staff.

So thankful to get to hug and know a new group of girls.

So thankful for how much more fun it is to be here with Spanish and self-confidence.

So thankful and genuinely surprised by how completely natural it feels to be here. A year and a half is a decently long time, but the most surreal part so far has been how not surreal it feels. The streets, the cafés, the fresh fruit sold on the corners, the people's mannerisms, the house, the Albergue schedule, all feel so familiar. I remember more than I thought I did.

So thankful the waitress at my favorite café RECOGNIZED ME IMMEDIATELY!! I left here 19 months ago!! That rocked.

And thankful to have sat in that café once again at the quiet table in the corner on the second floor, where I found my sanity so many mornings those six months.

So thankful to get to see my mountains in every direction.

So thankful and THRILLED (and not surprised at all) to see how amazing Lauren is doing here, how much the girls and staff love her and that I can see her falling in love with Mosoj Yan and its work and its girls. So thankful I get to see her HNGR journey up close.

So thankful to have stayed up two late nights talking with Lindsay. So thankful for how natural living Cochabamba life with her, even briefly, feels. So thankful to get to mutually externally process with her; so grateful to see her belly and squeal over kicks and celebrate upcoming parenthood.

Praying so hard to be an encouragement to the people I'm interacting with here. The staff, the girls, Lauren, Lindsay, my host parents.

There have been hard things, too.

I don't want to trivialize them by throwing them into a quickly-written list.

The joy is richer than I remembered,

but the darkness is just as dark.

But I am deeply, deeply thankful to be here.

To be a part of this work again, even if only briefly.

To be praying over this work, these girls, this suffering, from here.

Every night when I've gone to bed and tried to start praying, all I can do is thank Him over and over for letting me come back.

More to come...

.off to bolivia.

2011-07-23T07:31:00.000-07:00

oh. my. goodness.

Small group brought Panera bagels over for breakfast, prayer, and love before I leave :-). I love my girls! (And Josh, Luke, and Daws)

Leaving for the airport right now!!!!!